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by pgk



Category: ER (TV 1994)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Friendship, IVF, LGBTQ Themes, Miscarriage, Pregnancy, not your typical fluffy baby fic hold on tight y'all
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:36:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 150,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24877816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pgk/pseuds/pgk
Summary: After several rounds of IVF, Kerry and Sandy are at once thrilled and trepidatious at the discovery of their newfound pregnancy. Keeping her personal life out of the ER proves to be more and more difficult as Kerry navigates her new normal, realizing that accepting a little help from her friends is one of the few things that will get her through.I will post a complete list of content warnings, as well as their corresponding chapters, in the final chapter author's note upon completion.
Relationships: Sandy Lopez/Kerry Weaver
Comments: 280
Kudos: 76





	1. We'll Try Again

They’d been here so many times now that Kerry was beginning to get used to the disappointment; she made a habit of resigning herself to the heartbreak before they even got the result. Eight times, now. Eight times their hopes had been crushed, eight times their hearts fractured further than she’d thought was possible.

Even now, sitting uncomfortably on the edge of her bathtub, staring at the pregnancy test from across the room, Kerry already felt her heart splitting - in two, four, six. It was a wonder it had any further to go. Sandy was at work. Kerry had decided, somewhat selfishly, she knew, that she’d have an easier time handling her own disappointment without the additional strain of putting on a brave face for Sandy. 

Since their miscarriage, Kerry’s brave face had warn and warn until it was all she could do to not combust at the faintest idea that they’d never end up with the family she so desperately wanted. There was adoption, but it was still difficult to adopt as a gay couple in Illinios, despite the laws in place, and Kerry knew it would be just as emotional, if not  _ more _ of an emotional process. Sandy’s refusal to carry a baby was, at first, hard for Kerry to get past. She knew deep down that, of course, it was Sandy’s decision - it was her body. But she knew Sandy’s body would have a much easier time carrying a baby to term than her own. The fact that they’d gotten pregnant at all that first time was such a shock to Kerry - but the miscarriage was, unfortunately, something she had been almost more prepared for. And it wasn’t surprising to her, sitting in front of her 9th pregnancy test, that they were having such a difficult time getting pregnant again. She was 43 and, although she was very healthy, her age posed a difficulty that no amount of vitamins or hormone shots seemed to be able to conquer.

Yet here she was. Kerry checked her watch: 30 seconds left. 30 seconds of hope - what little she could muster, anyway. If she was being honest with herself, she wasn’t sure how many more implantations she could endure. It wasn’t the money - she was far from draining her savings. It wasn’t even the physical pain that always accompanied them; she typically cramped pretty badly despite their doctor’s insistence that the procedure was painless. It was the days off that were starting to stack up that were posing an issue. Kerry always took the following 24 hours after implantation off; spending most of it laying down, or reading a book, or attempting to nap. Her hip always angrily opposed to the stillness - but Kerry would do anything she could to better their chances. 

There were still very few people who knew of her first pregnancy - only Susan and Abby - and they did not know that they were still trying. It had been almost a year since she’d lost their baby and the emotional turmoil (and skyrocketing - and then plummeting - hormones) only added to her flaring temper at work, and she knew that. And she knew that her days off were messing with her coworkers schedules. No one had mentioned anything to her, but she’d seen the glares and heard the snide comments made under their breaths - mostly Chen and Pratt, if she really thought about it. No one else seemed to pay her schedule too much mind, aside from Romano who took any opportunity he could to reprimand her to her face. There were no comments made under breath where Romano was concerned. No, his were shouted clearly out to her across the crowded construction zone formerly known as the ER. 

Kerry looked down at her watch - she’d been sitting an extra five minutes. It was ready. Kerry took one last calming breath - that really came out more like a shudder - and blinked back tears as she reached toward the test. Biting her lip, she brought the test up to her eyes and just managed to see the result through the tears already pooling in her vision.

One line.

Not pregnant.

She threw the test to the floor, and it bounced and skidded across the room, settling as it hit the bath mat under the sink.

Not pregnant.

There were so many obstacles in her life she had been able to conquer: her hip, her adoption, her sexuality. The fragile egos of most men whose paths she’d crossed. Nothing had ever stood in her way. Until now.

Three embryos. That’s how many had been implanted this time. Three chances. Three individual failures.

Grabbing her crutch from where it was resting against the wall beside her, she pushed herself up and crossed the room, leaning down to grab the test off the floor only to toss it in the garbage can as she left the bathroom. She couldn’t help the tears that streamed down her cheeks - but they were more angry than anything. Angry at her body, for failing her again. Angry at Sandy for refusing to try. Angry at herself, for getting her hopes up again.

She was still in her work clothes - she had grabbed a pregnancy test on her way home from her shift. Making her way into their bedroom, she left her crutch by the door and crossed to their bed, stripping herself out of her pants and shirt before throwing on a long sweatshirt - one of Sandy’s - and crawling into bed. She settled beneath the covers, cuddling into Sandy’s pillow and relaxing into her wife’s scent. Tears were still rolling out of her eyes but, calmed by the enveloping smell of her lover, her breathing settled and she finally drifted off into a restless sleep.  
  


Sandy had done her best to rush home after her shift, turning down the various offers for an after work beer with her boys. She’d known what day it was, that Kerry would be anxious to take a test, no matter her insistence that she should wait for their appointment.  _ Hell, Kerry’s the doctor, what do I know? _

Turning the keys in the door, Sandy slowly entered the house, unsure of the state Kerry would be in on her arrival.

“Ker?” Sandy called into the dark house. It was just after 8pm, Kerry should have been home at least an hour ago. Hanging her coat on the coat tree beside the door, she continued into their home - no sign of Kerry on the couch or in the kitchen. The bathroom door was open - she wasn’t in there, though Sandy did notice the opened pregnancy test box still sitting on the corner of the sink. The door to the untouched nursery was closed, but that’s the way they kept it. It had been too hard for Kerry after they lost their baby, seeing the room they’d specifically redone for their child who would not be needing it. It was still empty - they hadn’t gotten to cribs or changing tables - but it was a clear indicator of what Kerry considered her failure. Sandy didn’t enjoy that room much these days, either.

Skipping the nursery, Sandy arrived at the door to their bedroom, which was slightly ajar. She pushed it open slowly, the light from the hallway filtering into the dark room and falling upon Kerry’s still form, sleeping deeply on Sandy’s side of the bed. At 8pm, Sandy took this as an indicator that Kerry did not have good news. Quietly, Sandy crawled into bed beside Kerry, wrapping her arm around the redhead's waist and tucking herself tightly behind her. Kerry stirred, moving herself closer against Sandy.

“Hi,” Sandy said gently, nuzzling her head into her wife’s neck.

“Hi,” Kerry whispered, not trusting her full voice.

They stayed in silence for a while. Sandy didn’t need to ask; Kerry didn’t need to tell her. Kerry tried to focus on the feeling of Sandy’s heartbeat that she could feel steadily against her shoulders; anything to ground her in this moment.

“We’ll try again.” Sandy said eventually. 

Kerry sucked in a breath - when had she forgotten how to breath? - Sandy’s words little daggers in her chest. The acknowledgment that it hadn’t worked, again, was enough to push her through her clumsily built armor - the armor that was rusty and chipping and failing her more with each passing day.

“I’m sorry,” Kerry brought her hand up to her face, hiding as much as she could from Sandy, from the world.

“Hey -” Sandy pulled Kerry’s hand down, lightly grabbing her shoulder and turning her around to look her in the eyes, brushing away the tears that lingered on the redhead’s cheeks, “don’t apologize. You have nothing to be sorry for. You hear me?”

Kerry looked into Sandy’s eyes for the first time that night; eyes that were fiercely protective, so full of passion and love. Eyes full of so much life that Kerry could not help falling in love with them. Sandy leaned forward and kissed Kerry on her forehead, stroking her hair comfortingly as she wrapped her arms around her, drawing her in toward her chest.

As Kerry settled into Sandy’s embrace, Sandy could feel her own breathing slow until the growl of her stomach reminded her that she hadn’t eaten since breakfast.

“Did you eat?” She knew Kerry had heard her stomach growl as it had been fairly loud in the silent room.

Kerry shook her head. She hadn’t been able to think of eating, she’d been too nervous to take the test and then had gotten right into bed.

“C’mon.” Sandy pulled the covers off of herself, standing and rounding the bed to come to Kerry’s side - or rather, the side Kerry had claimed tonight. She gently lowered the covers off of her wife and offered her a hand. Kerry slowly sat up, pushing her hair back off her face and looking up at Sandy. Sandy was so beautiful. How she got so lucky, she would never understand. Kerry took Sandy’s hands and hoisted herself out of bed. Giving her hip a moment to stretch, Kerry leaned into Sandy who wrapped her into a tight hug. She was lucky. She was deeply in love with an incredible, strong, resilient, beautiful woman, who loved her too. They had a very happy home. They both had jobs they were passionate about. Kerry tried hard to let the gratitude seep deeply into her chest, but no matter how much she reminded herself of her good fortune, she just couldn’t help it. She couldn’t stop feeling like there was something missing. The empty room next door was a never ending reminder.

Sandy placed her hands on Kerry’s hips, backing her up just enough to look into her eyes.

“I love you.”

Kerry mouthed a silent ‘love you’ - placing her hands on the sides of Sandy’s face and kissing her lightly before grabbing Sandy’s arm as she guided her into the kitchen. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have not written fic since 2014, but I have also never written five chapters in a row before even publishing the first one, so suffice it to say I'm having a grand ol' time over here. My #quarantinelook has mostly been reading every Kerry fic I can get my hands on, and dang y'all are good. So thrilled to see ER fic still alive and well after all these years.
> 
> I'm very excited for where this story is headed - I always felt Kerry's relationship with Abby especially was so forced (but also barely reciprocated on Abby's part?) so I'm going to figure that out. Also, the amount of Kerry/Susan fic I've read lately has definitely grown Susan's involvement in this fic exponentially and I for one am not complaining.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy and would certainly appreciate any feedback. Oh, I also want to say I am not a doctor and I have never gone through IVF, so everything here is borne of research and could certainly be incorrect despite my best efforts. But don't worry, even Kerry gets scolded for taking an over the counter test instead of waiting for her blood test with her doc. Even doctors who know better can get a little carried away...


	2. Never Falters

Kerry watched from her position on her stool at their kitchen island as Sandy attempted to flip a pancake in the pan, the way Kerry had shown her on one of their first mornings together. She could tell Sandy was hamming it up for her, even if it was just a bit. She was trying to bring any sort of levity into their home that had felt so dark for the last year.

Kerry felt a small smile creep in the corner of her lips as she watched Sandy count to three before launching the pancake in the air that promptly landed half on the side of the pan and half on the floor.

“Damn!” Sandy exclaimed, jumping back slightly to get out of the way of the falling debris, placing the pan back on the stove. Kerry couldn’t help it then, laughing and dropping her head onto her arms that were folded in front of her on the counter. “Aw man, I thought I had that one.”

“Give it up, Lopez,” Kerry smirked, lifting her head up in time to see Sandy rise off the floor where she had scooped the half-baked batter into a paper towel. Normally, Kerry probably would have risen and taken over the task herself, but she just didn’t have it in her tonight. She hadn’t even been in the mood to eat when Sandy suggested food, but when Sandy had mentioned pancakes, she folded. Kerry could always stomach pancakes, and Sandy knew that.

They’d been fairly silent, Sandy adding the ingredients to the glass bowl and Kerry watching her with distracted interest. Each time Sandy walked past her, she found a different way to touch the redhead, to show her that she loved her. Once had just been a hand gliding over her back as she walked by - another time she had reached around Kerry’s head and pulled her into a soft kiss. Once she just played with her hair as she passed. She wasn’t sure what to say anymore, if she was being honest. She’d run out of words by their fourth attempt. What  _ was _ there to say anymore?

“What if it never happens for us?” Kerry almost whispered, pushing around pieces of pancake on her plate with her fork. Sandy was finishing cooking up the last of the batter and hadn’t even really heard what Kerry had said.

“Huh?” She threw a quick look over her shoulder before flipping the three pancakes in the pan, then turning to face her wife.

“What if it… never works.” Kerry’s eyes were trained downward.

“Do you want to stop trying?” Sandy asked bluntly, crossing her arms with the spatula still in hand.

Kerry’s eyes shot up. “Do you?”

“Well… I don’t know, Ker. I know I hate seeing you like this.” She admitted; her normally indomitable and invincible wife looked like she could be blown over with a feather: a heap of sweats and red hair slumped over their kitchen island, barely a shadow of the woman she had met that fateful night in the pouring rain.

“I’m really tired,” Kerry barely voiced.

“Kerry… if you want to stop. Or… at least take a break. We can take a couple months off.”

The shots and the implantations and the hormones and the headaches and the cramping - months and months of all of these things on a constant loop were really starting to leave their mark on Kerry. Her stamina was nothing like it used to be and people at work were definitely noticing. She’d heard comments about her early onset menopause being the reason for her mood swings and crankiness.  _ At least they’re blaming it on something other than my personality _ , she had thought at the time.

“No,” Kerry began, straightening up in her seat only to be paused by a twinge in her hip, wincing slightly and rubbing at it with her left hand, “no I don't want to stop. I don’t- I don’t want to take a break.”

Sandy almost felt hopeless in that moment - her wife, clearly in pain from the strain they’d been putting on her body and her mind, was so focused on succeeding that she was clearly blind to what was happening to her. But, Sandy knew, there wasn’t much one could do when Kerry Weaver had made up her mind.

“Sandy - they’re burning.” Kerry changed the subject, pointing behind Sandy to the forgotten pancakes.

“What? Oh shit!” Sandy turned around and flipped the pancakes in the pan, the blackened sides steaming.

“Those ones are yours.” Kerry smirked. Sandy’s brown eyes met Kerry’s green ones, the unspoken communication just as strong as if they’d said it out loud. They were in this together; they would keep going. If there were any two women in the world who refused to fail, it was the brunette and the redhead right in this very kitchen, eating pancakes at 9 o’clock at night.

  
  
  


Trauma after trauma had been rolling in all day, barely leaving room for breath between patients. Kovač was nowhere to be seen, per usual, so Kerry had run almost every trauma that day, with the help of Carter when there had been more than one at once. Each trauma left Kerry more drained than the last, and Carter noticed the additional time it had taken the older doctor to rise out of her chair at admit as the paramedics burst the gurney through the ambulance bay doors. He followed her down the hall, placing a tentative hand on her shoulder outside the trauma room, suggesting that he take this one. Despite the irritation she felt deep down at Carter pitying her, she couldn’t help also feeling immense gratitude. She’d barely had a moment to sit down all day and took the welcome break to slip into the lounge and grab a cup of coffee and a bite of her lunch.

Entering the lounge backward, she’d practically stumbled into the room, surprising Susan and Abby who were just coming onto their shifts.

“Hi Kerry,” Susan said over her shoulder, “how’s it going so far today?”

“Susan,” she said in greeting, immediately crossing to the coffee machine and pouring herself a generous helping into her cleaned mug that had been waiting for her, “it’s madness out there. Abby, where is Luka?”

Abby’s hands shot defensively into the air, “I am not his keeper.”

“Tell him if I don’t see him within the next hour I’m calling deportation.” Kerry tried her best not to chug the bitter, lukewarm liquid but even the idea of it invigorated her. She’d been trying to stay away from coffee, had she actually been pregnant, but since finding out three days previous that she indeed was not, she almost enjoyed drinking it in rebellion.

Abby shut her locker and left the lounge - to call Luka, Kerry hoped - and Susan was still situating herself for her shift, sliding her arms into the sleeves of her white lab coat.

“Do you want to take your lunch, Kerry? I’m here now, I can give you a break.” Susan watched as the normally formidable Weaver leaned heavily against the counter behind her, grasping desperately at her mug of subpar hospital coffee.

Kerry wanted to refuse - she almost wanted to snap at Susan - why did she think she needed a break? When did she ever need a break? But… she needed a break.

“Sure,” Kerry finally said, “that would be great, Susan, thank you.”

Susan was surprised at Kerry’s quick surrender. “Um - great.” A beat passed as Susan nodded awkwardly and waited - was she waiting for Kerry to explain? - and then she left. Kerry was alone in the lounge - alone for the first time in seven hours, and she could no longer deny how utterly exhausted she was. The amount of emotional energy she was constantly being drained of in her and Sandy’s attempts to get pregnant was definitely catching up with her, she thought, as she crossed the room and slowly lowered herself onto the couch, leaning heavily back into the cushions. She was very grateful to Susan, suddenly, as she leaned her head back and tried her best not to drift off. 

  
  
  


Chuny had interrupted Kerry’s attempt at a break almost immediately, grabbing her as a double trauma came through the doors. Kerry quickly rose to her feet, dumping the rest of her coffee in the sink before following in the direction Chuny had just gone. By the time she caught up with the team, they were already transferring the patient onto the gurney in Trauma 2.

“What’s the bullet?” Kerry asked as she handed off her crutch in return for a gown and two gloves that she snapped on her hands as Abby repeated the bullet they’d just gotten from Doris. Kerry quickly stepped into the leadership position, ordering tests and calling for an intubation kit, guiding herself around the gurney with ease. That is, until she leaned down to begin the intubation. 

“Push 15 of etomi-” As she lowered her head, the room seemed to dip and swirl around her and she slightly faltered on her feet. “Etomidate. 100 of sux,” she finished. Attempting to blink away the dizziness, Kerry leaned down again, Abby quickly by her side this time.

“Woah - Dr. Weaver are you okay?” Abby grabbed Kerry’s left elbow as the older doctor swayed again.

Kerry shook her head, as if shaking away the dizziness like an etch-a-sketch. She lightly pulled her arm from Abby’s grasp.

“I’m fine,” Kerry attempted to regain control over the trauma room. She finished the intubation and called out her additional orders as the rest of the team kept working. “Check the cuff - what’s the pulse ox?” Her brain suddenly felt like it was going to burst right out of her head.

“92,” Abby responded, her eyes leaving Weaver’s face just long enough to get the reading.

The rest of the trauma was run in relative silence, aside from the occasional call from Kerry and answers from various nurses, followed by nervous glances between Chuny and Susan, who had come in to assist after Abby had silently sent Chuny to grab her from Trauma 1 following Weaver’s dizzy spell. By the time the patient was being wheeled upstairs, the room had mostly cleared aside from Abby, Susan, and Kerry. Abby exchanged a quick worried glance with Susan before slipping into Trauma 1 to help Carter with the patient they’d pulled Susan off of.

Susan spoke after a moment of tense silence.

“Kerry, are you okay?”

“We didn’t need you, Susan.” Kerry answered, ignoring Susan’s question, snapping her gloves off and throwing them into the toxic waste bin.

“Okay…” Susan considered her words carefully, “but Abby did have a right to be nervous… I mean you almost collapsed-”

“I did not collapse - I was light headed for a  _ moment _ ; excuse me for being exhausted after six traumas in a row.” She snapped at the blonde doctor, leaning heavily on her crutch, her frustration dripping with every consonant she pronounced.

“Kerry, I’ve seen you work much more than that on a back to back double and I’ve never seen you falter.” Susan stepped tentatively toward the redhead, “Are you sure you’re alright?”

Susan lightly touched Kerry’s arm and the compassion was almost too much to bear, Kerry turned away, toward the x-ray board, her eyes filling with frustrating, unwanted tears.

“I’m fine, Susan.” She wanted desperately to relieve the news of eight unsuccessful IVF attempts draining her of all of her energy to her coworker, but she knew she would not be able to take the pitting look in Susan’s eyes if she were to bring it up. She’d seen that look before - when Susan had given her a baby gift before she’d heard of Kerry’s miscarriage. She couldn’t take that look again and certainly not right now.

Lily poked her head into the doors before dipping out just as quickly as she arrived - “We need the room. GSW rolling in in 10 minutes.”

Susan debated continuing the conversation, but looking at the back of the older doctor’s head, she knew she wouldn’t get anywhere. Kerry refused to turn around until she heard the doors swing closed, marking Susan’s exit. She swiped at her eyes, brushing away the tears that had escaped without her permission. She stripped her plastic gown off of her, depositing it in the trash as she exited into the hallway, hoping  _ desperately _ that Susan would take the incoming trauma without her having to ask.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said in the notes of the first chapter, I've actually been writing super far ahead for the first time in my life. I'm extra glad I've been doing that because the first scene in this chapter did not exist until yesterday when I was just about to post, and now it's one of my favorite scenes thus far.
> 
> I hope you guys are enjoying! Feedback is always appreciated :)


	3. Ruling It Out

To Kerry’s immense relief, Susan did take the GSW and Kerry took the additional time to update her charts at the admit desk. Jerry kept glancing at her from across the desk, and as much as Kerry tried to ignore it, after catching him for a fifth time, she couldn’t help but call him out.

“Jerry, is there something I can help you with?”

“I’m sorry, Dr. Weaver -” he started, “I’m just not used to you sitting at admit this much anymore. It’s kind of freaking me out.”

Kerry rolled her eyes. “I’ve been here for ten minutes, do you think you can handle another ten or do you need me to go to the lounge?”

“No, no, it’s fine.” Jerry receded, thankful as the phone interrupted them, answering it on it’s first ring.

“Just one moment -” Jerry spoke into the phone before holding a hand over the receiver and turning back to Kerry who looked at him in annoyance, “Dr. Weaver it’s someone from Dr. Rydell’s office? They said you never confirmed your appointment for today.”

“Tell them I need to reschedule.” She rejected the phone call with a wave of her hand. Kerry couldn’t stand the idea of going back into that office quite yet.

“She says she’ll call to reschedule - okay I’ll let her know. Thank you.” Jerry hung up the phone, “They said they want you in before the end of this week.”

“Yeah, and I’d like a million dollars but I’d settle for just ten minutes to myself.” Kerry snapped, turning her focus back onto the charts in front of her until yet another voice from behind her called her out of her thoughts.

“Dr. Weaver, I need you in curtain two,” it was Abby, who was nervous to be coming to Kerry at all after their moment in the trauma. Kerry flashed a look over her shoulder before looking back down at her chart.

“I’ll be right there.” She flipped through the last few pages of the chart she was looking through, though admittedly she didn’t read anything that was there - she was too focused on showing Abby that she was fine, that she was functioning business as usual. She flipped the chart closed and collected her crutch, sliding off of the stool. The room swayed, just slightly, but enough that it took Kerry an extra breath to collect herself before following Abby to the first bed in curtain two.

It only took a few minutes speaking with the patient before she gave the young woman a gentle pat on the shoulder, assuring her that they’d return in just a moment. She followed Abby into the drug lockup, out of the patients’ earshot.

“Has she said anything about what she wants?” Kerry asked, leaning against the wall beside the door in the lockup.

“She said she just broke up with her boyfriend last night - do you think we should call psych down here before we let her go?” Abby thumbed through the drug cabinet as she tried to locate the med she was looking for, “I’m nervous she’ll try to hurt herself. She’s been held in psych once before on suicide watch about four years ago; and she didn’t seem to take the baby news very well.”

“That’s probably not a bad -” the lockup suddenly spun around Kerry as she tried to lock her eyes onto something - anything. The back of Abby’s head was the last thing Kerry could make out before her knees buckled underneath her and she slid against the wall onto the floor, her head lulling back and forth.

“Dr. Weaver - Kerry!” Abby called out as she noticed her boss falter and then sink to the floor. Abby crouched beside Kerry, who thankfully had a very low impact fall, aided by the wall she had been leaning against. 

“Kerry-” Abby tried to gain the doctor’s attention, gently shaking her shoulders. Abby stood and poked her head around the door frame into the hallway for help, grateful to see Susan walking toward admit from Trauma 2. “Susan!”

Susan turned slowly, trying to locate the source of her name being called, when she noticed Abby’s head poking around the corner. Abby receded quickly back into the drug lock up and Susan followed her, her heart dropping upon noticing the Chief of Emergency Services slumped against the wall on the floor.

“What happened??” Susan gasped, immediately to her knees checking Kerry’s pulse and airway. “She’s breathing - and she’s got a good pulse.”

“We were talking about a patient and she just collapsed.” 

“Kerry - Kerry, can you hear me?” Susan held Kerry’s head in her hands, trying to bring the redhead back to the world of the living. Slowly, Kerry’s eyes started to flutter open, until they eventually locked with Susan’s, and immediately a look of horror flashed across them.

Kerry’s eyes darted around the room to orient herself as she tried desperately to bring herself to her feet before Susan stopped her.

“Wait just - Kerry, hold on. Just wait a second.” Kerry still fought against Susan’s touch, until Susan grabbed her arms with slight force and held them down, “Kerry give yourself a second. Stop!”

Kerry stilled. If Susan didn’t know who she was dealing with, she might have thought the look in the eyes of the woman in front of her was fear. Kerry took a few steadying breaths while Abby looked on nervously from across the small closet.

“Kerry, what is going on with you?” Susan said finally, still holding Kerry’s arms in her own, “Be honest with us. Please.”

“We should get a BP,” Abby added to Susan, crossing to fetch a cuff monitor.

“No, no, I don’t need all that,” Kerry shook her head, stopping Abby momentarily.

Kerry took a second to think. The IVF had been hard on her, no doubt, but even Kerry couldn’t believe that she’d fainted in front of her staff.

“I -” Kerry began, clearing her throat and pulling her arms out of Susan’s grasp, “I’m fine.”

“Dr. Weaver -” Abby started from her position above the two doctors, “I just watched you collapse. With all due respect…” She didn’t need to finish her sentence. Kerry glared at her from the floor. She reached to her right where her crutch had fallen almost out of her reach and organized her limbs in order to rise off of the floor, noting Susan’s hand that traveled up with her, close to her side. When she was upright, she fixed her hair out of her face and straightened her shirt and coat, buying herself time while she decided exactly what she was going to reveal while also testing out the stability of her legs.

“Well,” she considered the two women in front of her, her left hand fidgeting with the pocket of her lab coat, “since the two of you know anyway… Sandy and I are still trying.” She knew she didn’t need to specify what they were trying. Susan and Abby exchanged glances. Kerry looked everywhere but at them. “It hasn’t been… taking. It’s been a lot on me, I think that’s all.”

“Do you…” Abby wasn’t sure if she should ask - “do you think we should run a blood test? Could you be… I mean, could you be pregnant?”

The question caused such pain in Kerry’s heart that she almost gasped, “No, I’m not.”

“How do you know?” Susan started, “Shouldn’t we rule it out? Kerry, you fainted. You’ve been tired… and… irritable.” Kerry rolled her eyes, turning to look at the younger doctor, with whom the fact that she had any semblance of a rapport was actually a miracle after the way their working relationship began.

“I took a test already, on Wednesday,” Kerry admitted, looking down, unable to make eye contact when she knew her eyes would betray her, displaying her emotions just as strongly as she knew her voice did, “and my period is about to start,” she added, remembering the way her heart had dropped into her stomach at the sight of blood on the toilet paper when she’d gone to the bathroom that morning. Just one of those steady reminders of her failure, arriving right on time.

“An at-home test?” Susan tried desperately to keep herself from grabbing a hold of Kerry’s arm, worrying that any second the doctor could go down again, “You know that those can be wrong… if you don’t take them at the right time of day… or if you’ve had too much water - and you could just be spotting. I mean Kerry, I’ve never seen you faint before, this isn’t nothing. Why don’t you just let us check?”

The idea that her coworkers thought she might be pregnant almost caused as much tightening in her chest as she’d had the day she’d taken the test, but realizing that neither of them were going to let her live fainting in front of them down, Kerry conceded.

“Fine.” Kerry snapped her eyes between Abby’s and Susan’s, “But I want it under a Jane Doe. I don’t want it getting around the hospital that I’m taking pregnancy tests.”

Both of the younger women nodded, grateful that the chief had agreed to another test, if only to rule it out officially.

  
  


Susan pulled the blinds to the suture room closed as Abby drew blood from Kerry’s arm. Kerry was sitting up on the gurney, her crutch resting beside her, and aside from the uncomfortable poke of the needle, she was happy to be away from the chaos of the rest of the ER.

“I’ll send this right now, and I’ll get you as soon as I hear, alright?” Abby looked at her boss, who looked blankly into the distance, “Dr. Weaver?”

Kerry looked up, pulled out of her thoughts. “Okay, Abby.”

Abby smiled uncomfortably at her boss before slipping out of the room, leaving Susan and Kerry alone. Susan eyed the redheaded doctor, crossing her arms and leaning against the wall.

“I think you should take the rest of this shift easy,” Susan started, watching Kerry shift uncomfortably on the gurney, “take the non-criticals…”

“You’re… probably right.” Kerry admitted.

They sat in silence for a moment, breathing in each other’s uncharacteristically timid energy.

“I didn’t realize you were still trying.”

Kerry nodded. “This was attempt number nine.”

“Wow.” Susan knew very slightly what was involved with IVF but definitely knew it was not an easy process. “And you’ve been working through each of them?” It was more of a statement than a question.

“There’s not much else I could have done.”

“Did you… was it, just the one miscarriage?” Susan knew she had crossed a line before the words even left her mouth.

Just as Susan thought she’d unintentionally ended their conversation, Kerry nodded.

“We were pregnant on our first try.” Kerry couldn’t help smiling at the memory of their excitement. She and Sandy had been so happy - they’d felt so lucky to have gotten pregnant so quickly. She’d known they’d told Susan too early - but then she’d made it into the second trimester, finally into the safe zone. They were getting ready to finally share the news with her staff and Sandy’s parents. Only a week later had she begun to bleed. “We haven’t been pregnant since. It’s just not working.”

Susan nodded, understanding, but really not understanding. She’d never been through it herself; she’d thought she’d been pregnant before, by accident, but she never had been. It had been the total opposite of Weaver’s experience - thinking she was pregnant and desperately not wanting to be, while Kerry had desperately been trying to get pregnant to no avail.

Susan’s pager went off, disrupting the air in the room. Without words, Kerry dismissed her and Susan ducked out with one last supportive smile.

Kerry was alone, then, sitting on the gurney, holding a two by two to her arm where Abby had just drawn her blood. As much as she was desperately and painfully keeping guard over her heart, somehow, in some crack she hadn’t paid enough attention to, a little hope was squeezing its way in. Kerry pressed down on her arm a little harder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chugging along here - still figuring out the timeline in relation to Canon, but pretty much everything has been pushed back a bit. We're in the updated ER now, with the big triage area and the lounge down the hall, but Carter hasn't gone to Africa yet and Robert is still Chief of Staff. Just adjusting everything to fit my needs as I see fit (because this is the only thing I have control over in the pandemic sos)!
> 
> I love writing the awkward dynamic between Kerry and literally everyone else. There's a fun scene in Chapter 5 (which was Chapter 4 until two seconds ago when I chopped off the last scene in this chapter and threw it at the top of the next one) between Abby, Susan, and Kerry. And the chapter after that we get some Sandy in the ER scenes that we only got maybe a collective 15 minutes of (excluding the episode where she literally was dying) in the show?? Comparing the on screen time Sandy got vs the other spouses makes me rage, so I'm fixing it. You're welcome, ER. 
> 
> I would love to hear thoughts/predictions/desires!


	4. The Results, Abby

A few hours had passed, and Kerry was surprised she’d been able to focus on anything at all. She’d taken twice the normal time to finish her charts and took a few walk-in sutures to keep her busy. She was thinking about instructing Abby to pressure the lab into processing her test results when a blunt force trauma rolled in and she instinctively grabbed it, Carter on her heels.

She was so hyper focused on the patient that she did not notice Abby enter the trauma room, nor did she hear her call her name the first time.

“Dr. Weaver,” Abby started, hanging back by the door as Kerry continued her normal run of the trauma (despite her agreement with Susan that she would take it easy), “Dr. Weaver, the blood test results on your Jane Doe are back…”

“And, Abby?” She coaxed, as she placed her stethoscope on the patient’s chest, trying desperately to not seem or _feel_ too eager for the results, when she clearly already knew what they were.

“I… I think you should come out here and give her the news yourself.” Abby tried, shifting back and forth on her feet.

“Yeah, I’m kind of in the middle of something.”

“Dr. Weaver -”

“The results, Abby.” Kerry commanded, not even casting a glance over in Abby’s direction.

“She’s pregnant.” Abby stated, watching the older doctor carefully. Kerry froze, still not looking up.

“That’s impossible.” Kerry shook her head, Carter looking up between Kerry and Abby, not understanding what was going on.

“It’s not, Dr. Weaver. She’s pregnant.” Abby bit at her lip, trying desperately to keep the smile off of her face, but her excitement for the doctor was almost palpable. “I think you should come tell her yourself."

Kerry’s breathing quickened and she looked up at John across from her. “You have this?”

“Yeah, go. Gallant, take over for Dr. Weaver.” Carter didn’t notice Kerry’s shaking hands as she backed off the trauma, stripping herself of her gloves and her gown and grabbing her crutch from Abby as she followed the brunette into the hallway. Once they reached the quiet corner in front of the suture room, Kerry reached forward and grabbed Abby’s arm, turning the nurse toward her.

“You’re sure?” Kerry tried very hard to keep the emotion out of her voice, but everyone who worked in the ER knew how clearly her voice displayed her emotions.

“As sure as a blood test can be,” Abby exhaled, “which is pretty freakin sure. We can do an ultrasound to double check-”

“Yes. The hCG injections, I want to make sure it-it’s not triggering a false positive.” Kerry interrupted her, all inhibitions flying out the window, “Abby, will you-”

“Of course.” Abby looked into Exam 4, checking that no patients had been brought in, and opened the door for her. As Kerry entered, she found Susan sitting with the ultrasound prepared for her arrival. She obviously had not been the first to hear the test results.

“Don’t you both have patients?” Kerry teased, unable to find the gruffness with which she usually reprimanded her staff.

“Yeah, _you_.” Susan quipped back at her as Abby took Kerry’s crutch and placed it out of the way as the older doctor situated herself onto the gurney, then pulled the curtain around them for privacy. 

“You would never know this place was a madhouse this morning,” Kerry shook her head, grateful suddenly for the empty room and the time alone as she unbuttoned her blouse from the bottom up and unzipped her pants, then swung her legs up onto the gurney.

Susan squirted the ultrasound gel on Kerry’s stomach when Kerry sat back and started moving the wand, the images lighting up the monitor. Kerry looked at the screen, unblinking - she knew it was probably too early to see any sort of fetus, but if they found the gestational sac, she would know it was not a false positive. That’s all she needed.

Six eyes scanned the screen until finally, Abby’s breath caught in her throat. Susan must have seen it too, because she retraced her movements until what they had been looking for appeared back on the screen.

“There.” Abby pointed to the dark circle on the monitor.

“You can’t be more than… four weeks?” Susan speculated, judging by the size and absence of a yolk sac.

“Four weeks and three days.” Kerry nodded. Her breath was shallow, her heart was racing. It was true. She was really pregnant. It had worked.

“Congratulations, Dr. Weaver.” Abby placed a hand on her shoulder and Kerry looked up at the nurse. They had been in a very similar position nearly a year ago, under very different circumstances, and that fact was not lost on either of them. Abby gave Kerry’s shoulder an extra squeeze.

“I know we can’t see Baby but I’m still going to print this out for you,” Susan said, turning to the machine while Abby grabbed a towel for Kerry to wipe her stomach off. 

Kerry couldn’t help the laugh that escaped her body, her hand landing on her stomach protectively. Abby had always been fascinated by her boss, but in this moment she couldn’t help watching every emotion that passed through the older woman’s face.

“I… I need to call Sandy.”

“Why don’t you go? Take the rest of the night off.” Susan encouraged as she handed the printed sonogram to Kerry, whose hand shook as she took the small photo. “Go tell Sandy.”

Kerry only took a moment to consider the idea - there were very few things that kept Kerry Weaver from doing her job. Even the day she miscarried, she still finished her shift. But, after so many months and failed attempts, as Kerry looked at the black bean-looking spot on the photo in her hand, she really couldn’t be bothered to stay the remaining two hours.

“Thank you.” Kerry exhaled genuinely, looking between the two women as she redressed herself, taking her crutch from Abby and threading her arm through the cuff, “Both of you.”

As she started to walk toward the door, she stopped and turned back to the women suddenly.

“I know I don’t- I don’t have to say it. But, if you would both... not say anything to anyone.” Kerry looked between them, the pain in her eyes even in such a joyous moment speaking volumes to the two younger women, who nodded immediately.

They both assured her of their confidence, and Kerry nodded once, flashing a rare smile and letting out a half-laugh breath as she turned just as quickly as she had stopped and left the exam room.

And with that, Kerry was off, headed to the firehouse where Sandy would be wrapping up her shift. Kerry knew if she hurried, she would catch her before she left - there was no way she would be able to wait until Sandy got home, she had thought as she stepped onto the El. She couldn’t help the fluttering in her chest. It felt almost the same as it had when she’d seen Sandy again for the first time after they’d met - that same nervousness and anticipation for the future. She loved that feeling. She couldn’t wait to share it.

  
  
  


Kerry’s hands trembled as she held the front of her coat closed, making her way down the street to the fire station. She wasn’t sure if they were shaking out of excitement or the bitter Chicago cold, but it didn’t much matter to her anyway. The entire trip in this direction her thoughts had been reeling. Rationally, she knew that getting pregnant was only the first step. There were many many _many_ roadblocks that they would need to overcome and milestones they needed to pass - they’d been down this road before. But, she reminded herself, it was okay to celebrate little victories, and a positive pregnancy test was the biggest little victory they’d had to celebrate in a long time.

Continuing in through the large open Firehouse doors, Kerry quickly spotted one of Sandy’s friends.

“Hey Doc!” He called out as he shook himself out of his gear.

“Hey, Markus, is Sandy here?” Just speaking her name sent chills up her spine; the anticipation of holding her wife and sharing their news almost overwhelming.

“She should be - just got back from a call. Try the kitchen?” He pointed up the metal stairs, the smell of lasagna completing the directions where his words left off.

“Thank you!” She called over her shoulder as she bound toward the stairs, taking them with a lot less care than she normally would, but cursing them for slowing her down in this moment. Finally reaching the top, she continued at her unique gallop until she pushed through the door to the large open kitchen/dining room space.

Sandy was sitting at the table with her feet up, leaning back in her chair while she chatted with her captain as he prepared the group meal. Neither had heard Kerry enter.

“I knew that couldn’t have been your cooking I smelled,” Kerry quipped and Sandy whipped her head around, her eyes landing on her wife who was clearly out of breath. “And have we not talked about shoes on the table?”

Sandy was on her feet in a moment, crossing to Kerry and pulling her into a hug.

“What are you doing here? Are you okay?” Sandy held her back and looked over her, as if looking for a physical clue as to why her wife had surprised her at work, “What’s wrong?”

Kerry just smiled, flashing her eyes in the direction of the other person in the room.

“Can I talk to you for a second?” Kerry played with the sleeve of Sandy’s shirt, almost enjoying the confusion in the brunette’s eyes.

“I’ll be right back, Capt.” Sandy was met with a wave from her boss as an indication that he’d heard her and Sandy and Kerry moved back into the hallway before dipping into the locker room.

“Okay what’s going on?” Sandy said the moment the door closed.

Kerry beamed.

“I’m pregnant.”

Kerry almost wasn’t sure if Sandy had heard her.

“What?”

“I’m pregnant.”

“But… how? I thought you said the test was negative?” Sandy sputtered.

“It was - I-I-I mean, I thought it was.” It wasn’t entirely out of the realm of possibility that Kerry had missed the _faintest_ of second lines on the test - _My uterus is not the only thing affected by my age,_ she thought with a smirk.

“But - how do you know? Did you take another test?” Sandy seemed more confused than excited, to Kerry’s slight frustration. Kerry also knew better than to tell her of her fainting spell, lest she wanted to be all at once babied and reprimanded for not taking it easier.

“A blood test,” she specified, “I wasn’t feeling great and Abby suggested we check just to rule it out.” It wasn’t a complete lie. “We did an ultrasound.” Kerry swung her backpack off her shoulder and reached into it, pulling out the sonogram and handing it to Sandy.

“Wow,” was all Sandy could manage at this point, having run out of questions she needed clarifying. She looked at the sonogram briefly, not entirely sure what she was looking at.

“That- that’s the gestational sac. You can’t see the fetus yet, it-it’s too early.” Kerry searched her partner’s face for anything - any trace of emotion. 

Sandy handed the picture back to Kerry and crossed to the row of benches, sitting down and rubbing her hands over her face. At this point, Kerry’s chest was aching, Sandy’s apparent lack of happiness at the news not what Kerry was expecting to be met with.

“Sandy…” she waited, her hands dropping to her sides, deflated, “silly me, I thought you’d be excited.”

“I _am_ ,” Sandy defended herself, looking up at Kerry, “but… I mean, this is a lot.”

Kerry shifted her weight onto her crutch. “It’s not exactly a surprise.”

“It kinda is, Kerry, you weren’t pregnant ten minutes ago.” Sandy tried really hard to keep her frustration out of her voice - Kerry had had more time to process the new development, Sandy felt like she was getting steamrolled out of nowhere.

“Why does it feel like you’re not happy?” Kerry wasn’t sure if she was angry or distraught, but her voice quivered as tears pooled in her eyes. Quickly, Sandy was on her feet and by Kerry’s side.

“Kerry, stop,” she held Kerry shoulders despite Kerry’s attempts at shirking her hands away, “I am happy, baby. I’m just…” Sandy took a second to consider her words. She and Kerry were very alike, especially in the ways they handled their emotions, which didn’t always make for the best communication. But in this moment Sandy’s own protective armor was beginning to crack as she allowed a glimpse of vulnerability, “I guess I’m scared.” The miscarriage had been harder on Sandy than she’d expected it to be - it wasn’t _her_ body, but it _was_ her baby, and the loss had suffocated her more than she’d let on, as she’d tried her best to be a beacon of strength and support for her wife.

“I am too,” Kerry whispered and then cleared her throat, finding her full voice, “but tonight, can we just... pretend not to be? Can we pretend that everything was easy, and we are normal, and this might not… end up…” Kerry couldn’t finish the thought, “because… I know that it might. But, if I let myself think like that _today_ , then I will not be able to make it through tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the day after that.” She was pleading, and her eyes searched Sandy’s for any sort of silent agreement. Kerry desperately needed a win.

“Please, Sandy,” she added in a whisper, “I need you.”

Sandy’s eyes lingered on Kerry’s for another moment until she reached up, wiping the tears from Kerry’s cheeks with her thumb. She leaned in and kissed her gently, wrapping herself around her wife who she could feel trembling in her arms. They stood like that until Sandy felt Kerry start to shift, the way she did when her hip started to protest being stationary for too long. 

“You’re shaking.”

Kerry laughed into Sandy’s shoulder, “I’m freezing.” The walk from the platform to the firehouse had chilled her considerably - but the emotional rollercoaster of their conversation had left her shakier than the cold had.

Sandy rubbed her hands on the sleeves of Kerry’s jacket, hoping the friction would warm up the redhead. She then turned to her locker and collected her bag and car keys.

“I only have half an hour left on my shift - I was gonna stay for the group meal but let’s go home. I think I know a way I can warm you up,” Sandy leaned into her wife as they started to exit the locker room.

“Uh - I don’t know if that’s good for the baby,” Kerry teased and was met with a pat on her backside, “hey!”

“I think the baby can deal.” Sandy winked before scooting into the kitchen to collect her jacket and say goodnight to her captain. It was in that moment, waiting for her wife to return to her side, that Kerry allowed the full gravity of the day to hit her and what started as a giggle to herself was full blown laughter by the time Sandy returned from the kitchen.

“What?” Sandy couldn’t help laughing right along with her, though she had no idea what they were laughing about.

“I’m just… really happy.” Kerry couldn’t explain it, swiping away at the tears rolling out of her eyes.

“God, you’ve lost it.” Sandy shook her head and grabbed Kerry’s left arm as they made their way down the stairs and out the front door into the cold February night.

“I can’t help it, I’m _pregnant_.” The words didn’t feel real in her mouth, but she knew they were. They were going to take this win, and whatever would happen after that, they’d deal with when they got there. But for now, they were going to go home and celebrate the family they were creating together.

  
  
  


“How many times do we need to tell you to stop taking home pregnancy tests, Kerry,” Doctor Rydell lightly reprimanded her as she squirted ultrasound gel onto Kerry’s stomach, “not only are they not always accurate, but they make you crazy.”

Kerry leaned her head back against the lifted bed as she squirmed slightly under the cold gel. She knew Rydell was right, and she had known that she should have waited for her blood test with her fertility doctor, but she could never help herself. Kerry wanted to know as soon as possible and thought she’d be able to tell if it was accurate or not. Doctor’s intuition, or something like that.

She’d just passed the six weeks mark and was finally able to get in for another ultrasound, getting the opportunity to look at her baby for the first time. She hadn’t been able to coordinate her and Sandy’s schedules, but they both agreed it was important for her to get in as soon as possible, so Sandy would make it to the next one. Though now, the anxiety filling her chest at the anticipation of all that could go wrong with this appointment was making her desperately wish Sandy had been there with her.

“You mentioned you were spotting, has that stopped?” Doctor Rydell asked as she moved the wand around on Kerry’s still flat abdomen. Kerry nodded.

“I spotted maybe twice in the fourth week, but nothing since.”

Rydell continued adjusting the wand in different angles, “Are you nervous?”

“Why?” She knew she wasn’t an open book when it came to her emotions.

“Because your BP was a little higher than usual,” she remarked, finally seeing what she was looking for on the monitor, “there we go.”

Kerry’s eyes searched the screen and she could just make out a little white blot on the bottom right of the gestational sac. Rydell pointed on the screen and confirmed Kerry's guess.

“That’s your baby.”

Kerry gasped a breath, realizing she’d been holding it in anxious anticipation. Shaking her head, she smiled.

“I can’t believe it.”

“Everything looks good; right now I'm pretty sure it's just the one but we'll be able to tell for sure at your 8 week, and - ” Rydell shifted the wand again and the sound Kerry had been waiting for filled the room, “there’s the heartbeat”

They sat amongst the steady rhythmic swooshes for a minute, Rydell giving Kerry the time that she needed, each pump squelching any last molecules of anxiety she felt that day.

“We’ll want to keep an eye on your BP, but I feel good about sending you back to your OB after our next appointment,” Rydell set the wand back on the machine and gently wiped the gel off of Kerry’s stomach, then checked Kerry’s chart, “and based on when we did the transfer, your due date is October 5th.”

Kerry couldn’t help but swoon at the thought that by this fall, she and Sandy might finally have their baby. Rydell pushed the Sonosite away from the bed as Kerry buttoned her blouse back up.

“Remember, just getting here is a good thing. If we need to do another round of IVF, it’s not the end of the world. It happens all the time. Alright?”

Kerry knew exactly what Rydell was saying without her having to use the words. Kerry nodded, biting her lip slightly. She understood. She’d been here before. But as Rydell handed her a printed photo of the ultrasound and Kerry looked at their baby - a white blotch inside of a black blob - all of the rediscovered worry vanished.

“Thank you, Doctor Rydell.”

Rydell patted her on the shoulder. “Good luck, Doctor Weaver.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All these ladies making me emotional. Kerry and Sandy being vulnerable, Abby and Susan enjoying every minute of their momentary glimpse at Kerry's personal life. We needed and ~deserved~ this on the show. Thank you for your comments so far, I'm thrilled anyone's even reading this!


	5. Weak and Dizzy LOL

If she wasn’t sure before, she definitely was now, as she leaned back against the side of her bathtub from her position on the floor. Morning sickness had dropped in swiftly and with a vengeance, and Kerry had barely made it from her bed to the sink - the sink, because it took her more time to find a position she could tolerate in front of the toilet, but also because she hadn’t had the three extra seconds to make it two steps further in the bathroom. Moments like this were when it was hardest to not have Sandy home; there were weeks their schedules were complete opposites, and this week was one of them.

Kerry breathed through another lurch of her stomach, desperate not to have to move. The contents of last night's dinner were not as pleasant this morning, she thought, unable to suppress her gags any longer and shifting her weight back to her right knee, her left leg out in front of her in a wildly uncomfortable position as she retched into the toilet. The last time, they’d kept a deep pot near the bed to completely eliminate any need for her to be on her knees. Kerry felt silly now for not being prepared this time, when it was hitting her at exactly the same time it did during her last pregnancy, right at the beginning of her 7th week.

She gave herself a few more minutes of stillness before using the toilet to leverage herself onto her feet. She pulled herself up to the sink, averting her eyes from the mess clogging the drain, running the water to help push her vomit past the stopper. When it was finally drained away, Kerry splashed water on her face and looked into the mirror. She looked older than she felt, the bags under her eyes puffy from a bad night’s sleep. She always had a harder time sleeping without Sandy beside her, constantly reaching across the bed in her sleep and being pulled into consciousness when her arms came up empty. She also spotted a few grey hairs, realizing for the first time that, more than likely, she’d want to wait until after the pregnancy to color her hair again. Though, on second thought, as she spotted a few more, maybe she’d speak with her OB about it before ruling it out completely.

Kerry grabbed her bathrobe off the back of the bathroom door and pulled her arms into it, fastening it around her waist as she returned to her bedroom, because although she was hot and sweaty from the morning sickness, she knew the further she got into the rest of their house the more the February chill would settle in. She checked her watch - it was 5:23am; Sandy would be home just in time to say hello before Kerry had to rush to work. Grabbing her crutch from beside her bedroom door, she made her way into the kitchen to brew some decaf coffee and make some toast, one of the few things she knew she’d be able to tolerate today. If it continued to be like the last time, Kerry knew to expect the morning sickness to last well into the afternoon, accompanied by fatigue like she’d never felt before. The only time Kerry had ever been found asleep in the on-call room in the middle of a shift was during the last pregnancy, when even an 8 hour shift in the middle of the day felt like a fourth double in a row. 

She leaned against the kitchen counter and nibbled on the dry toast, only managing to get a few bites down before being completely turned off to it. She set the half eaten piece down on a napkin before heading back into the bedroom. She was up early, she had a little time to lay back down before she needed to start getting ready for work.  _ I’ll just relax until my stomach settles,  _ she thought, laying back in bed on top of the blankets.  
  


“Uh - Kerry?” The sound of her name pulled Kerry into consciousness, the touch of her wife’s hand on her shoulder making her smile as she stretched.

“Sandy…” she said sleepily, turning and blinking a few times as her eyes adjusted to the light. As her wife’s face came into focus and Kerry oriented herself to the day and time, she shot up into a sitting position almost faster than Sandy could get out of her way, “Sandy! What time is it?”

“It’s a little after 9 - aren’t you supposed to be at work?”

“Dammit!” Kerry cursed, swinging her legs off of the bed and rushing around the room, grabbing work clothes from various drawers and running a brush quickly through her hair. “I fell back asleep! Why are you home late, you should have been here two hours ago, you could have woken me up!”

Sandy almost,  _ almost _ , enjoyed watching her wife in such a frenzied state - she who could do no wrong. Kerry was never late and Sandy knew she was constantly on her staffs’ asses about tardiness. Although she didn’t want any additional stress for her wife at work, she knew moments like these were good for Kerry’s humility.

“One of those pesky fires, you know?” Sandy said sarcastically, “For some reason it took a minute to get it out.”

“I cannot believe this.” Kerry stripped her shirt and pants off quickly, and though Sandy knew logically that Kerry wouldn’t be showing for another month or so, she could swear there was a swell in Kerry’s stomach that hadn’t been there before. God, she was beautiful.

Kerry had pulled on her work pants and was buttoning her shirt when Sandy came to her side, toothbrush donned with toothpaste in hand, and Kerry gratefully started brushing her teeth quickly as she made her way into the bathroom, spitting into the sink and rinsing her toothbrush before looking in the mirror again. She almost looked worse than she had nearly four hours ago. Sandy came up behind her, wrapping her arms around her and placing her hands on Kerry’s stomach.

“You look beautiful.” Sandy kissed Kerry’s cheek, “But you don’t have time to screw around, go to work.”

Sandy tracked behind Kerry as she finished collecting her things - her backpack, her keys, her crutch - and Sandy helped her into her coat before opening the door for her.

“I love you.” Sandy said as she stole a quick kiss as Kerry left, calling after her as Kerry bounded down the hallway, “Don’t give anyone too much shit today! Don’t forget you’re like 2 hours late, you’re not entitled to be on anyone’s ass!”

  
  
  


“Dr. Weaver, how kind of you to grace us with your presence!” Romano’s voice was obviously the first one to greet her; it only made sense with the kind of morning she was having. The normal 15 minute commute on the El had taken some additional time today, seeing as soon as the doors opened Kerry practically fell through them and immediately over the nearest garbage can, emptying the remnants of last nights dinner and the few bites of toast she had managed to take, losing every last ounce of dignity she’d managed to collect that morning. “Crutch stall out on you, time to upgrade to the broom you deserve?”

“Not today, Robert,” she snapped, whizzing past him in the direction of the lounge.

“Oh no you don’t, Weaver!” He called after her as he followed her down the hall, “You’re three hours late! I needed to move my 9 o’clock meeting this morning so I could keep this department from killing each other and all of your patients without Mommy here to supervise! Now what was so important that you couldn’t so much as make a phone call?”

“I overslept,” she slammed the lounge doors open, letting them close in Robert’s face as she crossed to her locker, stripping off her winter coat and replacing it with her lab coat.

“Overslept, oh in that case.” Robert mocked, throwing his hand in the air, “How about this: Get here on time. Sleep here if you have to. Or next time I’ll have you on overnights for a month.”

Kerry bit her tongue, keeping herself from lashing back at him, as badly as she really wanted to. She knew soon enough she’d be going to him for time off, and as much as she hated the beady eyed little rat, she knew she still needed things from him. 

Romano seemed unsatisfied at her lack of engagement in their fight, turning on his heels and leaving with just as much toxic energy as he’d appeared with. Kerry hung her bag and coat in her locker, shutting it before a wave of nausea passed over her again. She pressed her hands to her locker and leaned forward, resting her forehead on the cool surface and taking a few deep breaths until the nausea passed. Finally, she stood up straight, smoothed out her coat, and began her way into the trenches of the ER.

The actual  _ second _ she made it to the admit desk, however, she immediately retched, covering her mouth with her hand as quickly as she could, vomiting into it before making it to the trash can.

Luckily for her, Abby and Susan were the only ones at the desk, Frank having just taken a trip to the bathroom. Susan and Abby exchanged knowing looks, though each of them were unsure of exactly how much support or comfort Kerry would want from either of them. When Kerry finished, she shook her hand off over the trash can with a look of disgust and Abby handed her a scrub top to wipe her hand and face off on.

“Remind me to take my birth control pill today,” Abby quipped to Susan who snickered as Kerry grumbled about needing to wash her hands.

“Kerry, why don’t you go home? Take a sick day?” Susan suggested as she watched Kerry clean herself up.

“Because it’s never going to end,” Kerry snapped, “I take a sick day today I might as well never come back.”

Kerry stormed off in the direction of the nearest bathroom and Susan flopped her head into her arms on the counter beside Abby. “This is going to be the longest pregnancy of all time.”

  
  
  


“Has anyone seen Kerry?” Luka called out around the admit desk, a chart in hand for a patient signed out to the older doctor who was nowhere to be found.

“Try the lounge?” Frank offered, “She went in there about 30 minutes ago - haven’t seen her since.”

Kerry was not one to stay still for very long, so Luka checked the lounge with little actual hope of finding her there. As he pushed through the doors, however, he did see her red hair from across the room. Kerry was sitting on the bench in front of her locker with her head between her legs, her hair flipped over her head.

“Uh - Kerry?” Luka said eventually.

She jumped slightly, obviously not having heard the door open, and slowly rose up into a sitting position.

“What?” She barked, with no attempt at hiding her impatience.

“You’ve had a weak and dizzy LOL in curtain two for three hours.” He kept to himself the thought that there was a ‘weak and dizzy LOL’ in the lounge right in front of him.

“I haven’t made it there yet.” She brought a hand up to her face, attempting to wipe away the dizziness to no avail. She was sweating and sticky, her bangs clung to her forehead.

“Do you want me to take it?” Luka offered - he wasn’t sure he’d want to be seen by a doctor who looked worse than most of the patients.

“No.” She commanded, standing shakily to her feet, holding a hand out in front of her for the chart, “I’ve got it. Give it to me.”

Luke held the chart by his side, sizing up the redhead in front of him. He wasn’t sure what to do, but knew for sure he’d be grabbing Abby the second he was out of Weaver’s sight. She gestured again for him to hand her the chart and he did. She snatched it from his hand, tucking it under her right arm, and started to walk around him toward the doors, fighting against the rotation of the floor beneath her feet. 

She considered it a victory when she made it into the hallway, but was quickly brought back down to earth when she retched the contents of her practically empty stomach onto the floor - barely holding herself up with a hand against the wall, the other clutching desperately at the handle of her crutch - just as Luka came up behind her. Without a word, he took the chart from her and guided her back into the lounge, his hand inches away from the small of her back. She sank into the couch, barely even able to care about having thrown up in the hallway, and Luka snuck back out into the ER to find Abby.

“Abby - can I talk to you for a second?” Luka said, poking his head into exam 2 where Abby was helping a young man get situated on a bed. Abby nodded in his direction before turning her attention back to the patient.

“I’ll be right back,” she said as she lifted the blanket up to cover him before following Luka out the door.

“Kerry needs to go home,” Luka said the minute the door closed, “I think she has the flu.”

“What, why?” Abby attempted to appear confused, knowing full well it was not the flu that was plaguing their Chief of Emergency Services.

“Well, aside from the fact that she just threw up on herself?” Luka quipped sarcastically. “Will you talk to her?”

“Me? Why me?” Abby did not want to be the one attempting to send an uncooperative Kerry home.

“Well it’s not going to be me.” Luka stated assuredly - he was already on thin ice with his boss after disappearing and reappearing repeatedly over the last month. The two of them stared at each other, unsure of what exactly to do, until Abby had an idea.

“If I go missing…” she started, moving toward admit, “look for me in Weaver’s trunk.” Abby pulled out the personnel files, flipping to find Kerry’s updated emergency contact. “Because she  _ is _ going to murder me for this.” Finding the number for Sandy Lopez, which matched Kerry’s home number, she dialed and waited tentatively while it rang a few times before a sleepy voice picked up on the other end.

“Hi, Sandy? This is Abby Lockhart at County General.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have never updated something so consistently in my life, and I really think it's because I'm so fueled by your comments - so thank you! Some plots I'd planned have evolved in ways I didn't expect and are requiring a lot more research so updates might start coming a little slower but I've already got the next two in the can. Some exciting things coming up!! :)
> 
> Thank you all for reading and commenting!!


	6. Distraction

“Where is she?” Sandy strode through the automatic doors up to the admit desk, approaching the desk clerk with her usual fiery intensity. She had a thick brown coat thrown over sweatpants and a t-shirt and her hair was thrown into a messy bun at the back of her head, having jumped in the car the second she hung up with Abby.

“Who are you looking for?” Frank asked her, obviously not recognizing the firefighter.

“ _Kerry_ , Frank.” If there was one person in this place Sandy could not stand - Frank won that title with his ignorance and misogyny (even against Romano, because unlike Romano, Frank wasn’t saving any lives). Not to mention the homophobic remarks she’d heard from him by way of Kerry.

“Probably infecting patients somewhere around here - she looks like shit.” He shrugged, turning away from the short brunette.

“Helpful, Frank, thanks.” Sandy rolled her eyes, looking around the ER herself for flashes of red hair or med students who looked like they were running for their lives.

“Sandy!” A voice came from behind her, and she spun, grateful to see Abby approaching her from the direction of the lounge.

“Where is she?” Sandy tried again as Abby came up beside her.

“She was in the lounge a few minutes ago but I left to grab her a Gatorade from the vending machine and when I came back she was gone.” The nurse and the firefighter looked around the ER together, venturing in the direction of the trauma rooms before the familiar voice barking orders was heard clear as day from Exam 2. Abby raised her eyebrows at Sandy before pushing open the door and finding Kerry sitting heavily on a stool beside a patient’s bed, reprimanding the white woman in her 40s for having pulled out her IV.

“Dr. Weaver, I can get that,” Abby cut in, stepping around Kerry and setting to work on the line, grateful to have something to do that kept her from being in the crossfires when Sandy finally made her presence known.

“Now would you just sit here and wait for your test results to come back?” Kerry snapped at the woman in the bed, her bedside manner obviously having taken a backseat on her list of priorities for the day. She spun the stool around to face away from the bed so she could stand without Abby in her way, but as soon as she stood up her eyes fell upon her wife’s face as Sandy stood in the doorway, leaning against the frame of the door with her arms crossed.

Kerry couldn’t help the anger that flared in her chest - normally seeing her wife caused a different type of fluttering in her chest - but the unspoken implication of Sandy’s arrival meant someone had perceived her as unfit today and had gone over her head to her wife, and Kerry could not decide who she was more angry at. She hastily clasped the cuff of her crutch around her arm and stormed out of the room, practically knocking Sandy over as she passed.

At the sound of the collision of shoulders, Abby turned around in time to see Sandy sigh and roll her eyes before following in the direction of her pregnant wife.

“I would not want to be in her shoes right now,” the patient muttered, taking the words right out of Abby’s mouth.

Kerry made her way to the board, reaching up as high as she could to pull the clear board down to her reach. She wiped away the name of the last patient she had discharged as she heard Sandy come up behind her.

“Kerry, can I talk to yo-”

“No.” Kerry barked, interrupting her, and picking up another chart from the rack. Curtain 3. Kerry started to make her way in that direction when Sandy grabbed the chart out of her hand and passed it to an unprepared Frank.

“Why are you giving me this?”

“Give me that,” Kerry snatched it back out of his hands, but Sandy took it again and held it behind her back. “Sandy, knock it off.” Kerry growled, holding her hand out, demanding the chart back.

“Kerry Weaver you need to  _ chill _ the  _ fuck _ out.” Sandy ordered with a smirk.

You could hear a pin drop in the entire ER. Frank had frozen where he stood, Abby was on her way to the desk when she’d heard and promptly turned on her heels back in the direction she came from, Carter had been at the board and did not dare to turn around, and Susan, who hadn’t heard Sandy’s instruction, walked behind the admit desk casually until the atmosphere sent a chill through her bones.

“What did I miss?” She whispered to Carter, who only shook his head, still refusing to turn around.

Kerry was still staring at Sandy, as if she was planning on waiting until actual lasers shot from her eyes. Sandy held her ground though, remembering that this was not the biggest moment the two of them had ever shared in this ER.

“You wanna talk yet?” Sandy asked eventually, attempting to hand the chart back to Frank who refused to take it, then throwing it down on the counter.

Silently, and without breaking eye contact with Sandy until she had to, Kerry rotated around her crutch, turning in the direction of the lounge and slammed the doors open with such force that they promptly slammed against the opposite walls and shut behind her.

Sandy followed a few paces behind, shaking her head but knowing full well that there was no other way to get her wife to listen to her. Perhaps this meant she wouldn't be having the greatest night, and perhaps it also meant she’d be sleeping on the couch, but if it got Kerry home before she killed herself, then Sandy didn’t mind a night in the living room.

“Don’t you  _ ever _ talk to me like that in front of my staff again,” Kerry snarled at Sandy the moment the brunette joined her in the lounge, “do you know how hard I have to fight for respect in this place? And-and you come in here and just-”

“Well it got you to come talk to me didn’t it?” Sandy watched Kerry pace in front of her and could not help the smirk that was creeping on the corner of her lips.

“This is not funny, Sandy,” as much as Kerry was thrilled they were finally pregnant, the only thing worse than her raging morning/all day sickness was her somersaulting emotional state, and as angry as she was at her wife (and whoever had called her) tears filled her eyes and she brought a hand up to cover her face, “it-it was just morning sickness. It passed. I feel fine. I don’t want to go home. I-I can get through it.”

Normally Sandy would be beside the redhead trying to comfort her, but Sandy knew that was not what Kerry wanted in this moment. Instead, Sandy let her cry and let the wave of emotion pass until Kerry wiped her face dry with the sleeve of her coat.

“Why?” Sandy finally said.

“Why  _ what _ ?” Kerry murmured, stripping her coat off of her and throwing it on the table, suddenly blazingly hot. Sandy still stood comfortably in her down winter coat.

“Why do you need to ‘get through it’? Why won’t you just come home and take care of yourself?” 

“ _ Because _ .” Kerry crossed to the sink and wet a paper towel, wiping her face with it until Sandy crossed to her, taking it out of her hand. Sandy pressed it to the back of her neck and Kerry sighed into the cool relief, leaning forward against the counter.

“Because.” Sandy repeated, nodding sardonically at the toddler-like response.

“Because.” Kerry stated again, and Sandy thought that was the most she would get out of her, until, “Because I can, because I always have. I’m stronger than this,” she said through gritted teeth as her stomach lurched, “if I can’t get through a day of morning sickness… how am I going to work when I’m five months pregnant? When the pain in my damn hip starts flaring up? I-I need to prove, to myself, that I can do it.”

It didn’t make much sense to Sandy, but Kerry had an entire aspect to herself that Sandy would never truly understand, so the best she could do was support (most) of the choices Kerry made. Sandy was surprised when Kerry continued.

“Because I don’t want to go home and think about all of the things that could go wrong,” she whispered, turning and looking into her wife’s eyes, “here I can- I can be distracted. I don’t have to think about it.”

The enormity of this truth practically swept the two of them off their feet - it was an unspoken facet of Kerry’s personality they both knew well, the ambition she was known for fueled by the constant rumbling of fear at the base of her stomach. 

“So you’re just going to keep getting sick on patients until people stop coming here? That seems bad for business.” Sandy lightly joked, trying to lighten the mood as much as she could. 

“I didn’t get sick on a patient.” Kerry couldn’t help the way the corner of her lip twitched at the ridiculousness Sandy’s comment.

“No, but I’m thinking the janitor mopping up in the hallway right outside this door had something to do with you.”

Kerry looked up at Sandy sheepishly.

“Why don’t you just take today,  _ one _ day.” Sandy suggested, picking up Kerry’s coat off the table. “I’ll get you into bed, grab you some crackers and some apple juice, we can watch a movie, and you can recover from today just in time to… do it all over again tomorrow.”

Kerry hung her head at the sad truth of it all - though she’d struggled through the first trimester of her first pregnancy, this one was almost worse already. 

“You’re not gonna give up, are you?” Kerry said in defeat, having used the last of her energy in the confrontation and the trek all the way to the lounge from the admit desk.

“It looks like a slow day, they can do without you -”

“Who called you?” Kerry asked suddenly, her anger at Sandy abiding enough for her focus to shift.

“No way.” Sandy refused, turning to Kerry’s locker and tapping on the lock, silently instructing Kerry to unlock it. Kerry slowly made her way across the room, twisting the dial until it clicked open, then moving to the side and leaning against the next locker.

“Who called you?” Kerry said again as she watched Sandy hang up her white lab coat in exchange for her winter coat.

“I’m not telling you,” Sandy smiled, handing Kerry her crutch when the redhead finished buttoning her jacket, “because that person was doing me a favor and they do not deserve the punishment I know you are dying to inflict.”

“I really don’t think that’s fair,” Kerry teased lightly, grabbing her backpack out of her locker to throw on her shoulder before Sandy took it and carried it instead, “I mean, you won, I’m coming home, you gotta give me something.” She wiped the last few tears off her face as she followed Sandy to the lounge door.

“Nope, I’m gonna need their help for the next seven months and I cannot break their trust this early in the game.” Sandy led Kerry out of the lounge and they returned to the admit desk.

“You’re leaving?” Frank said as they approached and Kerry moved to the board, backing away from Kerry as she moved closer to him as if avoiding potential infection.

“Yes, I’ll be back tomorrow at 7,” she erased her initials off the board, “call Dr. Kovac and see if he can come in early. Carter!” She called to him weakly as he passed the desk, “Can you take over my patients? Follow up on a migraine for the man in 3, retinoschisis in 4, and the woman in Exam 2 is still waiting on labs.”

“Sure, Dr. Weaver,” he picked up the charts as she handed them to him, “do you have a second before you go? Will you look at my patient in Exam 3, she wants a second opinion from the “ _ manager _ ” and she’s pretty dead set on getting it before I admit her to medicine.”

Kerry looked back at Sandy briefly, and despite Sandy’s protest, agreed and followed Carter to his patient.

Abby and Susan appeared out of Exam 2 and crossed to Sandy.

“How pissed is she?” Abby asked nervously, watching Kerry as she walked away with Carter.

“Pretty pissed, but I didn’t tell her it was you, though I’m sure she’ll eventually figure it out. She is Kerry, after all.” Susan shook her head and Abby laughed somewhat-nervously, but Sandy’s tone turned serious, “You guys do look out for her, right?”

Susan and Abby were taken aback by the question, looking between each other.

“Yeah, I mean…” Susan started, “she’s not the easiest person to... offer help to.”

“We do… what we can.” Abby added.

Sandy nodded, understanding exactly what they meant. “She needs people more than she lets on. I know she’s difficult… but sometimes she pushes herself too hard and just needs a reminder that she doesn’t have to do it all.” Sandy paused, looking over at her wife consulting with Dr. Carter outside Exam 3. “I worry about her. Just keep an eye on her for me, okay?”

The doctor and nurse nodded, the sincere and palpable love in Sandy’s words almost raising the hairs on their arms. 

“We will… do our best,” Susan assured her with a laugh, “but, I like my job, and I’d like to keep it.”

As the three women laughed, Kerry rejoined them cautiously, then straightened her posture into one of feigned confidence.

“If you’re making me leave, let’s go now or I might as well stay,” looking between the three women, Kerry narrowed her eyes at Abby and Susan as if trying to read telepathically which one had called Sandy in.

“Ok,” Sandy put her hand on the small of Kerry’s back as they walked toward the automatic doors, “you’re welcome!” she called back to the group at the admit desk as she hit the button to open the door, and Kerry’s grip on her crutch tightened slightly.

  
  
  


“What were you and Abby and Susan talking about,” Kerry asked the question that had been reeling in her mind since they’d left the ER a few hours earlier. She was settled back in bed now with the familiar pot beside her should she need it. Sandy had just returned from the kitchen with a bowl of saltine crackers and a glass of apple juice. She set the bowl and cup on the bedside table before crossing to the bathroom and wetting a facecloth, knowing that Kerry was prone to hot flashes.

“When?” Sandy called over her shoulder from the ensuite.

“When we were leaving… you were laughing.” Kerry didn’t want to admit that, despite her best efforts, she’d taken the laughter personally.

“Oh, we weren’t really talking about anything. Susan made a joke - she’s funny, I like her.”

Kerry nodded, taking the wash cloth from Sandy and putting it behind her neck.

“I don’t think they like me very much.” Kerry admitted in a whisper, her eyes brimming again with tears. Sandy knew the hormones were wreaking havoc with her usually much more stable wife, but felt bad nonetheless.

“Why do you say that?” It was rare for Kerry to open up about her interpersonal relationships. Sandy sat on the bed beside Kerry so she could look at her eye level.

Kerry didn’t answer the question, wiping at her tears with frustration, “I can’t blame them.”

“Ker- you’re their boss. You expect a lot out of your employees. They get it.”

“I heard Pratt call me a bitch the other day,” Kerry looked at Sandy’s eyes for the briefest of moments before looking back down, “normally it doesn’t bother me. I swear it’s the baby, she’s making me lose my mind.”

Sandy smiled at the use of the pronoun; they obviously still did not know the gender of their baby, but the definitive feminine pronoun conjured up an image of their daughter in her mind she didn’t mind at all.

“I think they like you more than you think they do - well, maybe not Pratt.” Sandy joked, grabbing one of the saltines out of the bowl and taking a bite before offering the other half to Kerry, “You need to get something in your stomach.”

Sandy watched Kerry nibble on the saltine, then reached up and pushed a strand of red hair that had fallen in her face behind her ear. Kerry leaned her face into Sandy’s hand.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you today.” Kerry said sheepishly, kissing the palm of Sandy’s hand.

“I’m sorry I told you that you needed to chill the fuck out,” Sandy teased, “though it was true.” Sandy crawled onto the bed beside her wife, kissing her on the cheek and nuzzling into her side. “How are you feeling now?”

“Chilled.” Kerry laughed, wrapping her arm around Sandy and pulling her closer.

“Good.” Sandy reached over Kerry and grabbed another saltine, feeding a bite to her wife before eating the rest.

“Are you hungry or something? Stop eating my crackers.” Kerry teased around the bite of cracker in her mouth.

“Hey, it’s a lot of work getting you to let me take care of you, I work up an appetite.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Emotional Kerry is a lot of work. I'm really excited about the direction this fic is taking, especially in the next chapter, but, again, emotional Kerry is a lot of work and while I feel bad for what I'm putting her through... in Laura's own words from an interview she gave on Kerry and what she wanted for her character, "when something bad happens, it's such a good storyline" :) enjoy!


	7. MFPR

A week had passed, and although the morning sickness had not abated in the slightest, Kerry was getting used to running into the bathroom between patients and carried her toothbrush, toothpaste, and a baggy of saltine crackers in her coat pocket at all times. This pregnancy was already harder on her than the last, and when staffing allowed, she tried to take at least an hour to recover after working a trauma before taking another one.

Which was why she was happy to take over Susan’s patient when Chuck had stopped at the last minute to grab lunch with her. Pushing the door open into Exam 2, Kerry consulted the chart in her hand before looking up at the white blonde woman sitting on the bed.

“Hi, Lesley, I’m Doctor Weaver,” she walked up to stand beside the bed, letting her crutch dangle from her arm as she held the chart in front of her, “can you tell me what brought you in here today?”

“I twisted my knee jogging by the river,” Lesley’s voice trembled slightly, “luckily I wasn’t too far away and I could hobble here myself.”

“Okay, let’s take a look.” Kerry leaned down and slowly lifted the ice pack off of her knee, palpating around the knee cap. Kerry heard Lesley’s breathing hitch, and looked up just in time to see the woman wiping tears from her eyes.

“Are you alright?” Kerry’s voice was soft and removed her fingers from the blonde’s knee.

“Yeah, I’m sorry, I’m such a mess,” Lesley laughed dismissively, “that really didn’t hurt that bad. I’ve been told I have White Coat Syndrome.”

Kerry laughed, “I know it well. Don’t worry about it, we’re gonna take good care of you. Do you have someone here with you? Or anyone you’d like us to call?”

“No, no it’s just me,” Lesley shook her head, “I guess that’s what makes it harder. Being alone.”

Kerry felt her chest tighten, she knew very well what it felt like to be alone.

“Well, you’re not alone, alright? We’re here.” Kerry smiled as assuringly as she could, finishing her examination of Lesley’s knee and then resuming her grip on the handle of her crutch, “You have some bleeding inside the knee. We’ll numb the area and then I’ll tap the joint and that should relieve some of the pain you’re feeling.” Kerry nodded, filling out the chart and handing it to Malik. “Malik here will get you set up and I’ll be back for you in just a few minutes.”

“Thank you, Dr. Weaver.” Lesley was visibly more relieved than she had been upon her arrival and Kerry could feel her eyes on her as she pushed back into the hallway. The second the door shut behind her, Kerry took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling, willing the impending tears to return to where they came from. Although she had always felt deeply for her patients, she had also always been skilled at separating their emotions from her own. The baby, however, stripped all those defenses away, and Kerry felt everything much more deeply than she had before.

When the flood of emotion had passed successfully without issue, Kerry continued to the admit desk, taking a look at the board, which was fairly empty, to her relief.

“Dr. Weaver, what do you think,” Kerry turned to see Randi leaning against the desk, snapping her gum in her mouth, “Chicken Tikka Masala from Nazim or Empanadas from the truck outside?”

Kerry blanched, her stomach flipping at the idea of such intensely flavored foods, as she hadn’t stomached anything more than crackers, plain chicken, carrots, and soup for the past two weeks. She held up a hand, stopping Randi from saying any more.

“I say the Empanadas, but make sure you get it with the cilantro sauce.” Chen appeared seemingly out of nowhere and Kerry practically crashed into her in a mad dash to the women’s room.

“That was not nice…” Abby said, joining the women who were watching Kerry bound down the hallway.

“I told you… she’s pregnant.” Chen said with pride.

“No way… isn’t she kinda old for that -” Randi shrugged at the glare she was shot from Abby, “I don’t know, you guys are the doctors.”

“I don’t think we should be gossiping like this.” Abby said pointedly, before a trauma came through the doors, setting the three of them to task.

Doris led the bullet as Abby and Chen joined her in pushing the gurney down the hall toward the trauma room, “There’s another right behind me, auto vs pedestrian.”

“The one this one hit?” Chen clarified as they turned the gurney in the hallway, lining it up with the trauma doors.

“Yeah, he’s in really rough shape.” Doris confirmed.

“Where’s Dr. Weaver?” Chuny asked as they entered in the trauma room.

“She’s in the bathroom - I’ll go get her. Haleh can you jump on here?” Abby said, pulling Haleh in from the suture room. Abby could hear Chen call out for someone to page Corday as she left and could already see the next gurney being wheeled in as Malik and Michael pushed it down the hall.

Abby pushed the door to the bathroom open slightly, knocking on it and calling in.

“Kerry we just got a double trauma, we need you.” She was met with silence before she heard Kerry clear her throat.

“Ok,” Kerry said curtly from the stall, “I- I’ll be right there.”

Kerry waited to hear the bathroom door shut before she let out the breath she was holding.

 _It’s just spotting_ , she told herself. _It’s just spotting._

  
  
  


“What have we got?” Kerry burst through the doors to Trauma 2 and handed her crutch off to a nurse while Abby pulled a gown over her.

“Danny Lorta, 34, auto vs pedestrian, crushed pelvis, BP 70 at the scene up to 80 with two liters.” 

“Okay let’s tube him,” Kerry instructed, moving to the head of the gurney. “One of pavulon, two of versed, 100 of sux… I need uh - I need-” Kerry started, seemingly frozen in place. “Number 8 ET tube.”

The trauma room was a constant motion of hands and arms as they all worked in tandem. “I’m in.” Kerry called to the room as she pulled out the stylet from the tube. “CBC, type and cross for eight - uh…” She stopped again, thinking. “Portable chest, AP pelvis, and prep for a central line.”

“BP 75 palp, pulse ox 88,” Malik called. Abby watched Kerry’s eyes dart over the patient, obviously not entirely mentally in the room with them, trying to decide what her next move was.

“Dr. Weaver?” She prompted to no response, “I think we should page Dr. Lewis to come back.”

“Abby we don’t need Dr. Lewis.” Kerry willed her brain to function; it felt like all the wires were crossed and firing false signals. She couldn’t see anything but the blood that had been in the toilet just ten minutes before.

“Malik, page Dr. Lewis.” Abby turned to face him, away from Kerry.

“No, Malik, get over here and hand me a central line kit.” Kerry ordered, leaving Malik unsure what to do.

“I will get it - Malik page Dr. Lewis.” Abby said, pointing him in the direction of the phone.

“ _Malik_!”

“Fine, _I’ll_ page her.” Abby started toward the phone.

“Abby, get out of my trauma.” Kerry demanded as Corday backed into the room from Trauma 1 with her hands raised to keep them sterile. Elizabeth’s eyes widened, unsure of exactly what she had just walked into.

“Dr. Weaver, I just think you need some help,” Abby tried one last time, speaking gently to the older doctor who was behaving more erratically than she had even in the past week, as Corday and Gallant worked feverishly around them.

“I do not need help, I need you to get out! Get out of my trauma!” Kerry was known to lose her temper, but more in the glaring, subtle sort of way that made your blood run cold. Abby could count on one hand the amount of times Kerry had actually raised her voice, and this was the first time in a long time Abby specifically had been on the receiving end of it. Malik raised his eyebrows, looking between the two of them, unsure if he should continue dialing the number for Susan’s pager.

“ _Malik_.” Kerry ordered, blinking away the tears in her eyes. Malik stepped away from the phone and grabbed the kit as Abby stepped back from the trauma and ripped her gown and gloves off. She angrily made her way into the hallway, grabbing Lily from Exam 4 and sending her into Kerry’s trauma room to replace her.

She looked into Trauma 1 to see if they needed her, but the steady alarm from the monitor told her that the patient had expired. Chen called time of death and was joining her at the admit desk within a few minutes.

“Weren’t you working on that auto vs ped?” Chen asked, gratefully taking labs that she had been waiting on from Randi. 

“Yeah, I was.” Abby bit her lip; she wanted nothing more than to lament about how Kerry’s pregnancy had the potential to drive Abby out of her medical career, but she didn’t. “Have you seen Susan yet?”

“I saw her and Chuck slip into the storage closet if that’s what you mean…” Chen raised her eyebrows suggestively before walking away.

The gurney being wheeled up to surgery by Corday caught Abby’s eye and she watched the succession of nurses and med students exit the trauma room but did not see the redhead.

“Hey, Malik, where’s Weaver?” She asked as the nurse returned from the elevator.

“Still in 2 - I wouldn’t touch that woman with a ten foot pole today,” he warned, though knew Abby needed no such warning, as they’d all watched her on the receiving end of the wrath of Weaver already.

“Thanks.” She said, walking past him in the direction of the trauma room.

“You’re going in there?” He called after her with surprise. “It was nice knowing you!” He added when she ignored him.

Abby made her way down the hallway and looked into Trauma 2. Kerry was leaning against the wall with her back to the door, her voice low as she spoke into the phone. Abby couldn’t hear her from outside and as she was about to walk away, Susan and Chuck emerged from the storage closet.

“I will see you later,” Susan teased with a hand on Chuck’s backside, but they both froze as they practically ran into Abby.

“Hi Abby,” Chuck smiled awkwardly, shuffling out between them and down the hall toward the exit, “bye Abby!”

Susan couldn’t help snickering at getting caught, fixing her hair in the reflection of the closed suture room door, “Why are you skulking around in the hallway?”

“Weaver’s in there.” Abby pointed to Trauma 2 where Kerry was still talking on the phone.

“So?” Susan straightened her shirt out, coming to stand beside Abby.

“She just kicked me out of a trauma.” Abby looked at Susan before looking at the floor. No matter what was going on with Weaver, getting reprimanded by your boss never felt good.

“Really?? What did you do?”

As Abby was about to tell her, the door to Trauma 2 swung open and Kerry emerged, leaning heavily on her crutch, her eyes bloodshot.

“Abby.” She started, looking into Abby’s eyes for the briefest of moments. “I-I overreacted earlier.”

Susan wanted to walk away, but it was like watching a train wreck, she couldn’t peel her eyes off of them.

“It’s no problem.” Abby said, pursing her lips, not making eye contact at all. Abby couldn’t help but be hurt, despite how expected it was to be reprimanded by the infamous Weaver at least a few times while working in the ER.

“No it-it is. A problem. I’m… I apologize.”

There was another beat of silence, and then Abby looked up at her. “Thanks.”

“Susan, your twisted knee in 2 needs a joint aspiration.”

“Alright, I’ll take care of it.” Susan responded slowly.

Kerry nodded curtly and then, very slowly, made her way down the hallway, but just as Abby and Susan were sure she was heading to the lounge to hide out for a while, Kerry turned off in the direction of the elevator bay.

  
  
  


The elevator doors opened to reveal the lobby of the OB Ward, and Kerry walked toward the front desk.

“Is uh- Janet Coburn in?” Kerry asked the clerk in a hushed tone, though no one would find it odd that the Chief of the ER would want to consult with the Chief of OB.

“Kerry?” Janet’s voice rang clear through the hall and Kerry nodded a quick thanks to the clerk before moving in Janet’s direction.

“Hi - do you have a second?”

“Sure... is everything alright?” Janet was not used to Kerry making visits to OB without a patient by her side, and the presence of the difficult redhead set Janet slightly on edge. Kerry looked into the empty exam room to her left and pointed.

“Um… in here?” She practically whispered and Janet agreed, stepping forward and opening the door for Kerry and allowing her to walk inside first. Janet closed the door behind them and waited as the shorter doctor paced for a few moments.

“Is there something I can do for you, Kerry?” Janet crossed her arms, furrowing her brow.

“Um…” She was here, there was no backing out now. “Yeah.”

Janet waited for Kerry to continue but she didn’t. “And that is?”

“I uh… I’m bleeding,” Kerry started, “ _spotting_ , I think. I just… I need a second opinion before I lose my mind.” Kerry laughed lightly, but it didn’t reach her eyes. She knew she was being evasive, but she was grateful when the brunette nodded in understanding.

“Oh. Sure,” Janet agreed quickly as she caught up, patting the bed at the back of the room, “hop on up here and we’ll check you out.”

Kerry let out a shuddered breath, practically tossing her crutch to the side before hoisting herself up onto the bed and sitting back. Even as early on as she was now she was starting to get used to this routine, hopping up on the bed and unbuttoning and unzipping and trying desperately to breathe the whole way through.

“How many weeks?” Janet asked as Kerry situated herself.

“Just about eight.” Kerry responded, the fingers of her left hand tapping against the plastic of the bed beneath her. Coburn pulled the ultrasound toward the bed and started it up, pulling on gloves and squirting the bottle of gel on Kerry’s stomach. “I spotted a bit around four weeks and again a little at the end of last week, but this was more blood than last time… we achieved pregnancy through IVF so I haven’t seen my regular OB for a while, but just last week I had an ultrasound with my fertility specialist and she said everything was okay, that it looked normal and that spotting was normal.” She knew she was rambling but it felt good to let it all out.

“Well,” Janet started, but then paused for another moment, much to Kerry’s frustration. She also had the screen facing toward herself, out of Kerry’s view, “your doctor is right, some spotting is normal, and that’s all I think this was. Everything looks good, Kerry.” Janet reassured her, moving the doppler around on Kerry’s stomach, and clicked a button on the machine, letting the sound of the fetal heartbeat fill the room. Kerry brought a hand up to her forehead and closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. It felt good to breathe.

“I knew I was overreacting but… it took so long to get pregnant I just - I guess I’m being pretty precious with it.” Kerry watched Coburn’s eyes as they continued to scan the monitor, wishing she would turn it in her direction.

“That’s a completely normal reaction, especially with IVF pregnancies,” Janet nodded, switching the sound back off on the monitor, still watching the screen, “Baby A is a little small for 8 weeks, but that’s not really a concern until much later on. Heartbeat is strong.” The button was clicked again and the sound of another heartbeat beat steadily through the machine.

Kerry froze, unblinkingly.

“... _hm_?” was all Kerry could muster, barely a vocalization.

Janet rephrased, “You should speak with your OB about sIUGR but I would not even worry about that for another month or two, just continue to monitor Baby A’s growth and you should be okay, sometimes it just takes a couple weeks for one to catch up.”

When Kerry didn’t respond, Janet finally looked away from the monitor and at Kerry’s face, finally noticing the uncharacteristic wide-eyed, deer-in-the-headlights look she was getting from the Chief of the ER.

“Kerry, don’t worry, it happens all the time,” she reassured her, finally turning the screen in Kerry’s direction, “the difference is so minute you can’t even tell on the monitor,” she traced the outline of both fetuses, showing Kerry that they were practically the same. When Kerry still didn’t respond, Janet looked back at her and it finally clicked. “You didn’t know it was twins?”

Kerry shook her head.

“IVF,” she confirmed, “how many embryos?” She adjusted her mindset, realizing she was breaking this news to the red headed doctor.

“Three,” Kerry whispered, unable to peel her eyes from the screen, “we- we’d been trying so hard to get pregnant. They told me I shouldn’t do more than one, that it would be risky if I were to end up with multiples but… I didn’t think it would happen.”

Janet considered her next move, hanging the doppler back on the machine and turning to give her whole attention to the stunned redhead in front of her.

“Okay…” Janet started, “two isn’t impossible. But… twins are risky for a normal pregnancy, but any multiple gestation is increasingly high-risk when it’s geriatric,” Kerry winced, it wasn’t until she was being referred to as Geriatric that she realized how vile and harsh that term was, “and… I don’t want to suggest to know the nature of your disability, but I cannot imagine that a twin pregnancy and a crutch is going to be easy.”

Kerry nodded slowly… she had not even thought about the possibility of twins, beyond Dr. Rydell warning her when they decided to do a second round with three embryos. 

“I am only suggesting this because I know you are a doctor and are capable of your own research, but I recently attended a conference in New York about multifetal pregnancy reduction, and it is a possibility for you. You are still early… it might be worth considering. It is practically common practice in geriatric IVF pregnancy. A twin pregnancy at 40-” Janet waited for Kerry to insert her age, but was not met with any such help, “40-something is risky, for you and the babies. The probability of fetal and maternal mortality can be greatly reduced in a singleton pregnancy.” The brunette searched Kerry’s face for any sort of understanding, and only when Kerry noticed that that was what the brunette doctor was doing did she nod. “It’s a difficult decision, but I want you to know your options.” 

“Thank you, Janet.” Kerry began redressing, “I definitely need… some time to think about this. And talk to my partner.”

“Of course.” Janet moved the ultrasound to the side, making room for both of them to stand. “Both fetuses are okay, so that’s the good news, right?” Janet smiled, making her way toward the door. “We don’t need this room for another hour, take all the time you need.” And with that, Janet left Kerry alone. Kerry leaned back against the bed, closing her eyes. 

_Twins._

  
  
  


“Honey?” Sandy called into their apartment as she walked in, stripping her jacket off and hanging it up on the coat tree by the door. She could hear the familiar clattering of dishes and cooking utensils in the kitchen and followed the sounds until she was greeted by the sight of her wife digging through the fridge. When Kerry had called her in tears earlier that day, Sandy had been ready to get the rest of her shift covered and pick Kerry up, but Kerry promised to go up to OB and see if anyone could check her out there. Sandy’s shift had been slow, and she spent the following hour wringing her hands until she got the call she was waiting for. Everything was alright, Kerry was going to finish her shift and see her at home.

Kerry didn’t hear Sandy come in as she searched the fridge for another ginger ale; she knew she hadn’t finished one the night before and had thrown it back in, but she’d been so busy with work and not feeling well that the inside of their fridge desperately needed some TLC. She leaned down to look on the bottom shelf when she felt two hands grab her hips and she jumped.

“Oh my god,” Kerry laughed half-heartedly, standing fully erect with a hand on her chest as her heart resumed regular function, “I hate when you do that.”

“Sorry,” Kerry leaned back into her wife who resumed her favorite position: hugging Kerry from behind and letting her hands settle on the small swell of their baby. “How are we doing?”

“We are… doing okay. You’re home early, which we like...” Sandy kissed the side of Kerry’s face and let go, grabbing a beer from the opened fridge before taking a seat at the island, “and I only got sick three times at work today, a current personal record, I might add.”

“I don’t know how you do it.” Sandy teased, taking a swig of her beer before setting it on top of a stack of papers in front of her.

“No, no don’t-” Kerry quickly shuffled in front of Sandy, collecting the medical journals and papers from underneath Sandy’s beer to prevent the inevitable water rings. Sandy muttered a ‘sorry’ before catching the title of one of the bottom journals before Kerry could collect it. Sandy grabbed it from Kerry’s hand. 

“ _Fetal Reduction in Multifetal Pregnancies Associated with Better Birth Outcomes_ ,” Sandy read from the title, looking quickly into Kerry’s eyes. “What does that mean?”

“I was just- I was just doing some research.” Kerry grabbed the journal that she’d tried to hide from Sandy underneath the stacks of budget paperwork. She crossed slowly to the side table near the door, dropping the stack there. When she didn’t immediately return, Sandy watched her with unease.

“Research for what? A patient?” Sandy probed.

“Uh… no.” Kerry turned to face her wife, though she didn’t come any closer, putting a hand down on top of the stack of journals for additional balance.

“For what, then?” Sandy didn’t have an MD behind her name but could easily decipher the general idea of what that journal was about.

“I uh-” Kerry stopped, biting her lip, unsure of how exactly to broach the subject, “when I went to Coburn today, we did an ultrasound-”

“Yeah, you said that on the phone.” Sandy interrupted her impatiently.

“ _And_ ,” Kerry continued, “she said that-that everything was okay. That I was just spotting again… that it was normal. And that Baby A was small for 8 weeks, but not to be too concerned because it is still early.” Kerry waited, watching carefully as Sandy processed the information in the same way Kerry had hours before.

“Baby A?” She clarified and Kerry nodded. “Meaning…”

“That there is a Baby B.” Kerry finished slowly with a long exhale of her breath.

Sandy’s jaw dropped. “Twins?”

Kerry only nodded this time, deeply unsure of exactly how she was feeling about it.

“Kerry!” Sandy stood quickly off the stool and crossed to her wife, “How could you not tell me this until now?”

“I don’t know - I don’t know, I think I’m in shock or something. I- They said we shouldn’t implant multiple embryos at once, they said that a multiple pregnancy wouldn’t be something we wanted and I - I didn’t think it would happen, I didn’t listen, I should have listened to them.” Kerry was spiraling, and quickly. 

“Hey, we made that decision together, remember? You don’t get to blame yourself for everything.” Sandy knew blame was the wrong word in this moment and reached forward to put a grounding hand on Kerry’s arm.

“I mean, we should be happy? Right? Ecstatic, really. Twins, I-I-I mean, we wanted a baby, we couldn’t have a baby, now there are two, we should be happy.” Kerry reasoned with as much logic as she could as her thoughts spiraled around them.

“So, what’s the problem?” Sandy wasn’t sure if she wasn’t keeping up or if there was more that Kerry hadn’t explained.

“The-the risk of birth defects and cerebral palsy, and-and-and premature birth, those were all high risks before, but, twins doubles and in-in some cases triples all of them, and- placenta previa, and preeclampsia and- the preterm birth risk for twins born to a mother over 40 is nearly 60%. Preemies can have fatal complications like-like underdeveloped lungs, and- twins are more likely to be stillborn and -” Sandy stopped her by placing both hands on her cheeks, holding her face. 

“Kerry, honey, you need to take a breath.” They stayed like that for a while, their slowing breaths the only measure of time.

“I need to sit down.” Kerry said finally, her hip screaming at the lengthened unassisted time, and Sandy provided as much or as little support as Kerry wanted as they crossed a few steps to the stool Sandy had risen from.

Crossing behind the island, Sandy filled a glass of water and placed it in front of Kerry, who gratefully took it and raised it to her lips. Sandy watched her wife carefully - sometimes she wished she could turn her Doctor Brain off; Kerry was an over-thinker if she’d ever met one, and she knew it was not the most helpful position to be in when going through such an emotional process. She almost knew too much.

“They suggest a complete lifestyle change at 20 weeks.” Kerry continued eventually, looking up from her glass. “No strenuous activity. Bed rest.” Her words were much slower, a breath or two between each one. “I knew that pregnancy was going to-to be hard. But… with my hip… twins.” She shook her head as her words faded out. Sandy continued to just watch her, unsure what to say, unsure what Kerry needed her to say. Finally, Kerry’s eyes, looking decidedly emerald today paired with the forest green blouse she was wearing, found Sandy’s warm, waiting brown ones, and they filled with tears at the intense connection. “I don’t know if I can do it.”

Sandy reached forward and took Kerry’s hand in her own across the island.

“So that… that article you were reading…” Sandy prompted, gesturing in the direction of the stack of papers.

“Coburn suggested I do some research…” Kerry started, almost numb with exhaustion from the steady expel of emotions, “Multifetal Pregnancy Reduction. It’s becoming common practice in high-order multiple pregnancies but is occasionally used for twin pregnancies, though from what I’m seeing, there are not a lot of doctors who will reduce below two. I’d heard of it before, but I’ve never done any sort of research. It’s - well, it’s exactly what it sounds like. Reduction of a fetus.”

“Like an abortion?” Sandy asked, the word hash in both their ears. Kerry considered her response.

“In a way.” She said gently. “A partial abortion.”

Neither of them would have believed they’d be sitting here talking about abortion, partial or not, after the year they’d had of treatments and pregnancy tests.

“Janet suggested I look at it to-to increase the probability of bringing home one healthy baby. But…” Kerry’s breath caught, “I don’t think I can do it.

“I mean, if this had been a natural conception, then of course, I would not have even looked up the journals, I wouldn’t have- if it was God’s will that we have twins then... I wouldn’t have even considered this. But… it’s all been so controlled, from the very beginning. We fertilized them, we implanted them. I mean, what if all three had become viable? Would I choose to carry all three because the thought of - of reduction feels… selfish? Even if that meant there was a greater probability that all three would die than being able to bring even one of them home?”

Sandy didn’t know what to think, either. She didn’t want Kerry to be in more pain, or be at risk more than she needed to be. But an abortion?

“What are you thinking?” Kerry asked, watching the look in her wife’s eyes as it seemed to drift far away.

“I don’t know,” Sandy said honestly, “I don’t know enough about it.” 

“Then.. how do you _feel_ about it? What are you feeling?” Kerry rephrased, needing something - _anything_ , any sort of response that assured her that she was not alone in this decision. Sandy assessed herself for a moment.

“If you… if you did all that, the bedrest and stopped working… then the chances of the babies being okay is… good?”

Kerry nodded. “Yes… with intense precautions and monitoring, they would most likely be okay. There isn’t anything we would be able to do about developmental abnormalities, but it could possibly prevent preterm labor.”

“And… you would do that? Stop working?”

“It would…” Kerry swallowed hard, blinking away tears, “it would be hard. But I would do it.”

“Then… is that our answer?”

When Kerry fell silent, Sandy squeezed her hand, then circled around the island. She wrapped her arms around her wife, which Kerry quickly reciprocated. Sandy felt Kerry nod in response to her question after a few minutes, their silent agreement weighing heavily in the room. 

“I love you.” Kerry whispered finally.

Sandy kissed the top of Kerry’s head. “I love you.”

It wasn’t going to be easy, but when had things ever been easy for the two of them? But if there was anyone Sandy knew who would be able to handle it, it was the redhead in her arms. Sandy kissed Kerry’s head again, suddenly feeling incredibly lucky that this was the way her life had turned out, hardships and all, and, in all honesty, feeling incredibly thrilled at the thought of their twins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter and the next one are almost twice the length of every other I've posted so far, but not only could I not find a good place to split them up, but I also am too excited about where we're going to take any extra time to get there. I've been doing so much research over the last two weeks, which has been fun as it's given me something to do with my quarantine time, but I gotta say the articles I've read about MFPR have been heaaavy. Intense stuff, but I'd never really heard about it before.
> 
> I hope you guys are still enjoying, would love to hear any thoughts!
> 
> Also, any other Kerry fanfic writers have a b*tch of a time writing on google docs like I am, when it is insistent that I am indeed trying to write "crotch" and not "crutch"? lol


	8. A Tough Transition

“Kerry, you cannot wear that one, either.”

“Why not?”

“Because that one makes you look even more pregnant than you are,” Sandy laughed, leaning back into her pillow as she watched Kerry take off the third shirt she’d tried that morning.

“All of these worked last time.” Kerry threw the shirt onto the bed in frustration, turning back toward her closet and pulling out another blouse.

“Yeah, well it’s double the trouble this time,” she watched as Kerry struggled out of her light blue blouse that she’d worn just a week before after she buttoned it up and it puckered under her breasts at the strain of the buttons, “try that horrible pink one - the one that hurts my eyes.”

Kerry scoffed with just enough of a smile to let Sandy know how ridiculous she thought she was, leafing through her closet for the exact shirt she knew she was talking about. The last time she’d worn this blouse, almost the moment she’d walked in the door after her shift, Sandy was covering her eyes and shoving her face into the couch, screaming about being “blinded by the ugly.” She’d jumped up and ripped Kerry’s jacket off of her, then proceeded to unbutton the shirt, pulling it off over her shoulders and throwing it into a heap on the floor. It had led to a very fun night, with no inhibitions or worries or talk of IVF or work. Ever since then, Sandy couldn’t help but swallow a little harder when she saw Kerry in that shirt.

With the last button fastened, Kerry shut the closet door, revealing the full length mirror behind it. She turned from side to side, smoothing down the shirt and then puffing it back out again. It was the only one that morning that had buttoned loosely over her stomach and somewhat managed to hide her growing belly, so long as she didn’t lean over, or sit, or move too much. Or at all.

“You’re not going to be able to put off telling people much longer,” Sandy said finally as she watched Kerry fuss with the blouse.

“I know… I just, I want to wait until we get into the second trimester. I don’t- I don’t want a repeat of my conversation with Susan. The lab coat helps.” She moved to their dresser and picked up the small gold loop earrings she’d picked out for the day (a few shirts ago) and leaned against the dresser as she put them on.

“If your staff hasn’t realized yet, then I don’t ever want to be treated at your hospital,” Sandy laughed again, “I thought doctors were supposed to be observant.”

“Or I’m just very sneaky,” Kerry crossed back to their bed, leaning over it just far enough to kiss Sandy goodbye before grabbing her crutch from where it was resting on the wall.

“I’m going back to sleep,” Sandy pulled the covers around her neck and nestled deep into the pillows.

“Oh you are a cruel, cruel woman,” Kerry shot Sandy a fake glare for taunting her with her ability to sleep in as she left the room, though in actuality, she felt pretty good that morning. She had more energy than she’d had in a while and the intense morning sickness that had plagued her for the last few weeks had been nearly tolerable for the last couple days. The intense exhaustion and morning sickness had no longer concerned her, knowing now that her body was reacting to carrying two fetuses instead of one, but it was nice to have a slight reprieve. Though she hoped it would dissipate for good around the same time it had before, right as she entered her second trimester.  _ Two more weeks _ , she thought as she grabbed her car keys and locked their apartment door behind her.

  
  
  


“Dr. Weaver…” the inevitable call of her name followed the sound of the ambulance bay doors opening, disrupting Kerry’s last few moments of solace before her shift started. The nausea had held off long enough for Kerry to make the walk from the parking spot she’d found on the street, but the second she crossed into the bay it hit her swiftly and she decided a pit stop at the bench would not be a bad idea. She took a few minutes to breathe deeply and held a medical journal on her lap, should anyone come by - not only would she be able to look busy, but it also skillfully covered any sign of a bump that her winter jacket didn’t quite cover.

“What?” She said impatiently, skimming her eyes over the random page in the journal she’d opened up to.

“I heard you were out here,” Abby stepped closer. Despite Kerry’s apology, they hadn’t been on the best terms for the past three weeks, Abby staying out of her way as much as she could and Kerry too embarrassed by her outburst to bring it up again. “I heard somewhere that watermelon was good for… upset stomachs.” Abby smirked, knowing that Kerry still had not relieved the news to anyone else. She came to sit beside Kerry, holding a Tupperware container of cubed watermelon from her lunch out to the redhead beside her. Kerry shot her a sideways glance before taking a piece of watermelon.

“Thank you.” She said before popping the fruit in her mouth - it was cool and sweet and was exactly what she needed at this moment. They sat quietly for a few minutes while Kerry ate a few more pieces and Abby looked off in the distance, at nothing in particular.

“John is going to Africa.”

“ _ What? _ ” Kerry practically choked on the watermelon. 

“He says he’s not… but I know he is.” Abby’s leg bounced, shaking the bench underneath them slightly, expelling the anxiety she was diverting from her voice. When the settled nausea started to rise again from the movement, Kerry put her hand on Abby’s leg, stilling her. “Sorry.”

Kerry gave Abby’s leg a comforting squeeze before letting go, finishing the piece of fruit she still had in her other hand. She had been so focused internally for so many months she honestly had no idea what was happening anymore in her ER among her staff. Most days had been spent solely treating patients and sitting in various bathrooms recovering from puking her guts out; she had completely lost track of the rumor mill. She knew Abby and John had an on again off again thing going on, but currently wasn’t sure where they stood. 

Taking comfort in just the presence of each other, neither woman said anything else until Kerry looked down at the Tupperware Abby had packed the watermelon in.

“Oh - I didn’t mean to finish it.” Kerry admitted, though not regretting it very much as it had been the first food outside of the bland meals she’d been eating that she had been able to stomach in weeks. Abby laughed, taking the Tupperware back and snapping the lid back on before rising off the bench.

“That’s okay, I brought it for you.” She shot one last smile at Kerry before heading back inside. Touched, Kerry felt a wave of warmth flow through her. Maybe Sandy was right, maybe her staff did like her more than she thought. 

  
  
  


“Did you find her?” Chen asked as Abby returned to the lounge to rinse out her Tupperware container.

“Yeah, thanks.” Abby said over her shoulder.

“How does she look today?” Chen was hanging up her lab coat, getting ready to leave now that her replacement had arrived.

“What do you mean?” Abby knew exactly what Chen meant, but didn’t want to have any part of it, and hoped the attending would take the hint and change the subject

“I mean, how obvious is it? Did you see her yesterday? She’s gotta be at least four months, does she really think we can’t tell?” Chen laughed, pulling her hair out of her ponytail and shaking it loose behind her.

“Tell what?” Malik piped up from the couch, half listening as he leafed through a magazine.

“Malik, Dr. Carter was looking for you a few minutes ago, something about an empty banana bag in 4?” Abby slowly turned to face Jing-Mei. She nodded in the direction of the door to the nurse who was sitting back with his feet up on the table and Malik jumped up at the instruction of his nurse manager, chugged the last of his stale coffee, and was out the door before Chen even felt the shift in the room. 

“Wow, I guess some people are dumb enough not to notice…” She slipped on her gloves and started toward the door but Abby stepped in front of her, blocking her way.

“Jing-Mei… you remember when you were pregnant, right? How you hid it from all of us for, what, five months? How it felt to have people talking about you, making assumptions, talking behind your back?”

Chen was suddenly on the defensive, taking an unconscious step backward. “Abby come on, that was different. Besides, I’m just joking around.”

“Well it’s not funny,” Abby’s protectiveness over her boss surprised even herself, “that is not your life to be joking about. Now I suggest you keep your comments to yourself before they start getting back to Dr. Weaver, because whatever your problems are with her, she is still your boss.”

Chen snorted, stepping around Abby, not letting the intense guilt she was suddenly feeling make its way to the surface, “Whatever you say, Abby.”

Just as Chen was about to walk out the door, it swung open and a shivering Weaver walked into the lounge, her cheeks and nose red from sitting in the ambulance bay in the middle of March. Chen stepped to the side, allowing the older doctor space to come in.

“Dr. Weaver,” Chen said stiffly in greeting, exiting quicker than Kerry could respond.

“What was that about? Rough shift?” Kerry crossed to her locker, leaning her crutch against the wall.

“Yeah, something like that.” Abby answered, glancing out the window on the door and watching Chen quickly walk down the hallway, hoping that their talk would put a stop to the endless stream of rumors she’d been hearing. “Chen knows,” she added, deciding to do what she could to give the redhead the upper-hand. She turned in time to see Kerry glance over her shoulder to see if anyone else was around before taking off her winter coat and quickly replacing it with her lab coat, Abby catching her first real glimpse at the suggestion of Kerry’s stomach under her untucked shirt.

“I’m not surprised,” Kerry murmured, adjusting her shirt and coat, “it’s not as easy to hide this time.” She hadn’t shared their newest discovery of the second baby yet, still wrapping her head around the idea herself.

Abby knew for a fact that second pregnancies tended to show a lot sooner and chalked Kerry’s size up to that, watching Kerry as she grabbed the medical journal she had been holding in the ambulance bay and held it over her front; Abby had a feeling Kerry was only using the journal until she could grab her first chart.

“Has Romano said anything?” Abby was curious, the Chief of Staff’s reputation for having zero filter was sure to bite each of them in the ass some day.

“Not yet… I’m thinking about going to Anspaugh first, seeing what he thinks I should do about time off…” Kerry shut her locker, “he’s always been reasonable.” She was nervous, no doubt, but going to Anspaugh was going to be a hell of a lot easier than going to Romano.

“That’s probably a good idea,” Abby nodded, “are you going to talk to him  _ today _ ?”

Kerry laughed as she came flush with Abby, opening the door for the nurse to walk through first, “Why, you think I need to?”

“You should probably do it soon.” Abby smirked, hinting at the fact that she’d gotten a good look at her as she’d changed her coats. Kerry took a deep breath, she knew Abby was right. As the two of them approached admit, Kerry called out to Jerry who was attempting to get a patient’s boyfriend to wait in the family room.

“Jerry, call Anspaugh for me and tell him I’d like to meet with him later today.” Kerry tried to appear casual as she scanned the board, getting a sense of what she was walking into today.

“Uh - sure Dr. Weaver,” he turned briefly from the young white man who was practically yelling at him, “sir, you’re just going to have to wait, they brought your girlfriend up to radiology and she will be back soon.”

“You’ve been telling me that for an hour!” The man raised his voice, slamming his hand on the counter. “You don’t know  _ shit _ !”

“Hey! Go sit down or we will have security haul your ass out of here.” Kerry barked, coming up beside Jerry, the image almost comical as the redhead half his height was seemingly coming to his rescue.

“Fuck off, lady.” He spat.

“Alright,” she said under her breath, “security!” Just then one of the security guards from the metal detector came over and grabbed the young man by the arm, bringing him out the doors into the ambulance bay.

_ Never a dull moment _ , Kerry thought, asking Jerry if she’d gotten any messages overnight before turning back to the chart rack and grabbing her first patient of the day.

“Kerry, I need to ask you a favor,” Carter emerged out of Exam 2 and walked in step with her down the hall.

“What is it, John?” She asked absentmindedly as she reviewed the chart in her hand.

“I’m going to need you to shoot me.” Kerry stopped and looked up then, finally noticing the frustrated look on John’s face.

“Why?” she narrowed her eyes.

“Because if you don’t, I am going to shoot Romano, and then I’d have to shoot myself because I would not be able to handle the guilt of having  _ totally justifiably _ killed another person.”

“What did he do?” Kerry had a sudden flashback to the year John lived in her basement, talks like this had been more frequent but normally were had over dinner and a glass of wine (or on more difficult days, whiskey).

“What  _ isn’t _ he doing? He followed me around to three different patients, insulted them to their faces, suggested antiquated treatment, and then fired Chuny.”

Kerry threw her arms into a shrug, though quickly realized how much the move opened her lab coat and quickly crossed her arms across her chest, hugging the chart in front of her. “I really don’t know what to tell you John, other than… you don’t actually own a gun do you?”

“No.”

“Good.” Kerry walked away, although wanting desperately to help John, not sure exactly what she could do. Romano was their Chief of Staff, and as horrifying as that idea was and continued to be, they would all have to suffer through it. It didn’t help that his temper and rage had flared since the accident that severed his arm, and his painfully slow recovery was painful for just about everyone within a 30 mile radius.

  
  
  


With Carter and Kovac also working on that particularly slow day, Kerry was able to slip into the lounge and take a more detailed look at the upcoming months’ schedules, noting vacation times various staff had already requested and big meetings set up with the board, trying to see when the best time would be to take her official maternity leave. Like she had told Sandy, it was highly suggested that those expecting twins heavily reduce their activity as early as 20 weeks, but Kerry had been thinking of all the ways she could continue working without setting foot in the ER. She had plenty of administrative duties she could continue to do from an office, or even from her home. Between budgets and research and even bringing in some more grants for the hospital, by the time Kerry was needed for a trauma, she was sure she was prepared for her meeting with Anspaugh. Luckily, as the clock approached 4pm, her morning sickness had long abated and she had been able to get some real work done.

Upon her return from successfully reviving a GSW and stabilizing them for their trip to the OR, Jerry stopped her on her way to Curtain 3.

“Dr. Weaver, Anspaugh’s secretary called back and said he could meet with you at 6 but he wants to meet with you and Romano first at 5 in the conference room.”

“Thank you, Jerry,” Kerry’s heart began to race at the idea of talking to Anspaugh about her pregnancy - she knew he had always been a fairly thoughtful man, but she also knew the thought of the Chief of the ER requesting upward of 6 months off was a hefty order to fill. A search for an interim replacement was sure to be in order (Kerry was cautious of the idea of Susan stepping into her shoes) as well as lots of bumps in the road ahead of them. The next half hour seemed to fly by before Kerry even stopped to question what it was that Anspaugh needed to meet with both herself and Robert about. On her way to the elevator, Lydia stopped her to sign a chart, and for the first time in hours her stomach flipped and her nausea was back ten-fold. Her signature was nothing more than a flip of her pen before stumbling into the women's room and collapsing in front of a toilet. She was more nervous than she thought, apparently, as she expelled her late-lunch that she had eaten without a problem.

Kerry rubbed at her eyes, willing her head to clear enough to be coherent during the meeting with Robert - she could see Anspaugh giving her some slack in the meeting about her pregnancy, but she did not want any suspicion before she was ready to talk about it, and she certainly did not want Robert in the room when it happened.

Filling her lungs slowly, her stomach muscles ached and she held her breath as the contents of her stomach seemed to flip again. She hadn’t had much nausea this late in the day and had not been prepared, the pocket that normally held her crackers having been emptied by noon.

Kerry leveraged herself onto her feet using the seat of the toilet and slowly raised herself to standing, reaching over briefly and flushing the contents of the toilet away before turning and sitting for a moment to catch her breath. It had been so long since she’d felt the type of anxiety she was feeling in this moment, the kind that made her fingertips tingle, and she tried to talk herself off the ledge. Anspaugh was going to be fine and legally she knew she could not be fired for being pregnant. Everything was going to turn out alright. She looked at her watch: 5:13pm, she was late for their first meeting.  _ Not off to a good start, Weaver _ , she thought, reaching down to grab her crutch off the floor beside the toilet.  
  


“Hold on, I never let rehab compromise my work schedule!” Romano’s voice was the first Kerry heard as she weakly pushed the door open, willing the resurfaced nausea down from where she felt it in her throat.

“We both know administration is not your strong suit,” Anspaugh reasoned.

“Should I come back later?” Kerry saw her window of opportunity to escape and try to pull herself together.

“No, Kerry, this involves you.” Anspaugh’s voice stopped her as she turned toward the door. Her mad dash foiled, Kerry recoiled her hand from the door and took the few steps toward the empty chair, grateful for its proximity to the exit should she be unable to calm her stomach.

“How long have you been planning this?” Robert’s voice was harsh, and Kerry was not entirely sure of what exactly she had missed in the first 15 minutes of the meeting.

“I’ve asked Robert to consider sharing the Chief of Staff position with you,” Anspaugh brought her up to speed just as Kerry sank into her chair. Unsure if she’d even heard him correctly, Kerry simply searched his face wordlessly. 

“I’d rather cut off my good arm,” Robert muttered.

“I’m sorry you feel that way, Robert, I thought this was a solution that served everyone.” Kerry’s head was still spinning, even more now than it had been in the bathroom in the ER. She had come up to discuss leaving the Chief of Emergency Services position for a few months, and now she was being offered Co-Chief of Staff?

“Well, you were wrong.” 

“It’s a gift, Robert. I suggest you take it.” Anspaugh said cooly. Kerry had been right about one thing today: Anspaugh was certainly the person she’d want to speak to first about the pregnancy.

“Take it right up the ass.” Robert scoffed.

“Fine. Congratulations, Kerry, you’ve just become Chief of Staff.” Donald’s patience had run dry and he stood and promptly left the conference room, leaving Kerry, who still had yet to say a word, alone with Robert. She’d worked for so many years for this moment, for this promotion. She’d dreamed of it - she knew she could make incredible strides for this hospital with her administrative skills and passion, but this was not the way she ever expected it to happen. Sitting beside the person whose job had been ripped out from under them. Pregnant with twins. This was not the way it was supposed to happen.

Robert simply finished his coffee, setting his empty mug on the table, and rose from his seat. He stood behind his chair for a moment, and Kerry braced herself for whatever insensitive, archaic remark he was about to spew at her. But Robert remained silent.

Instead, he angrily swung his right arm forcefully and launched the green coffee mug into the wall across the room. Kerry instinctively covered her head as the pottery shattered from the force and bounced back toward them. Before the fragments even had a chance to settle on the floor, Robert was gone.

Donald returned to the door in seconds, having heard the crash from down the hall, and he found Kerry still sitting in the seat he had left her in, brushing fragments of the mug out of her hair.

“Are you okay, Kerry?” He asked, coming into the room and assessing the damage left by the former Chief of Staff’s outburst.

Kerry simply nodded with a loud exhale of breath.

“A little shocked, I take it? I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to talk to you beforehand, but I thought this meeting would go better than it did, though perhaps I was foolish to believe that.” Kerry still hadn’t turned to face him and instead Anspaugh resumed his seat in front of her. “It’s going to be a tough transition,” he began, finding her eyes, noticing how clammy her skin appeared to be, “but I think this is what is best for all parties. Robert will assume your position as Chief downstairs and hopefully he will adjust quicker than we think he will. Perhaps he will surprise us all.” Donald attempted levity and Kerry was somehow able to feign amusement. “If you need anything, you know where to find me.” He assured her, tapping his hand on the table twice before rising and crossing back toward the hallway.

“Oh -” he stopped himself and returned just as he stepped out the door, “you wanted to speak with me today?”

She couldn’t possibly tell him  _ now _ . She’d need to revise her entire plan, rework the schedule, reconsider the dates of her maternity leave. Perhaps she’d be able to stay on longer, now, as she knew Chief came with a lot more time behind a desk. Or, perhaps Donald would completely reconsider his offer. Kerry couldn’t risk it. The tables had turned and she needed to be more prepared than she felt now.

“Uh - it was nothing. It resolved itself.” Kerry lied, unable to form a complete, well rounded excuse in this moment. She hoped there would be no follow up questions.

“Alright.” Anspaugh simply said, “Well, I need to scrub in, let’s meet tomorrow to go over the logistics of the move. You have a good night, Kerry.” 

“Goodnight, Don,” her voice quivered slightly, but it went unnoticed by the older doctor who was already halfway down the hall toward the OR.

Kerry wasn’t sure how long she remained in that conference room before her pager went off. She pulled the two-way out of her pocket and read the message from Sandy “3 alarm. Be home late. Love u.” She flipped it closed and tucked it back into her pocket.

Kerry slowly rose out of her chair, using the table and her crutch to help bring her to her feet. While their dinner plans would have to wait, Kerry didn’t mind the change, as her stomach continued to rumble and toss on her walk from the conference room to the elevator. What she really wanted was to curl up on the couch, pick up her copy of  _ Emma _ she had abandoned a few months before only 30 pages in, and read until Sandy got home, when she could talk out the events of the day and hopefully quell the anxiety she felt flaring in her chest. It always helped to talk things out with Sandy - not always her voice of  _ reason _ , but certainly her voice of passion.

And a little over an hour later, after wrapping up her shift and driving home, that is exactly what she did. Curled underneath the burgundy afghan she had bought for Sandy for Christmas two years previous, changed into cozy lounge clothes, Kerry was deeply asleep,  _ Emma _ laying open on her chest and her glasses slipping down her nose.

Sleepily, Kerry tossed her head to the side, waking slowly from her much appreciated nap. She was still exhausted and could have stayed there for hours so she wasn’t surprised when a glance at the clock on the VCR told her that she’d only been asleep for 30 minutes. She shifted her position, pushing herself closer to the arm of the couch to sit up a little further, but a foreign sensation stopped her immediately.  _ There is  _ no _ way I actually wet myself… _ she thought in horror. She’d heard of stress incontinence during pregnancy but didn’t think that started until much later on, but the wetness in her pants proved otherwise. She folded the afghan off of herself neatly, in case it had been soiled as well, and her breath dropped out from under her. As she pushed the blanket away, it slowly revealed that her once grey sweatpants were now a deep crimson red, soaked in blood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay friends, here we go. Those warm and fuzzies are about to be replaced by pain and ouchies.
> 
> One of my favorite things about watching actors is how much the audience’s information informs a performance, because if you watch that Chief promotion scene with this context in mind, Laura's performance still works. Kind of like how I thought Kerry was being all subtly nervous about Sandy and becoming a mom in early season 10 when really Laura didn’t know it was happening till she got the script to start prep for that episode.
> 
> I am going to put a pre-warning here about the next chapter. I will have a spoilery warning at the top of the *End* notes of the chapter, so if you don't feel you need a warning and don't want to be spoiled, you don't need to be. It's just more intense and more detailed than any of the other chapters have been and I want to make sure we're all up for it.
> 
> Again, thank you for reading and for your feedback! I thrive on hearing what you guys think, so if you have a moment and want to let me know how you're feeling, I'd so appreciate it! See you next time.


	9. 11:16pm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * trigger warning * jump to the notes at the end of the chapter if you feel you need a warning.

The feeling of falling. Of having the floor dropped from beneath your feet. Open air. With no end. No impending moment of finality. Downward; permanent.

That is how it felt inside Kerry’s body as she sat, unmoving, looking at the stain on her pants. At the visual of her body rebelling, betraying. This wasn’t spotting. This _wasn’t_ spotting.

All at once, the room came into focus in a sudden rush. She could have sat there forever, she _wanted_ to sit there forever, falling deeper and deeper away from what she knew she’d eventually have to face. Despite her best efforts, however, her head cleared and she set herself in motion. She swung her legs off the couch and stood shakily, the rush of more warm liquid between her legs immediate as she became vertical. She looked at the couch - the cushion would need to be replaced, there was no getting that stain out. Though, perhaps she’d rather replace the whole couch. She’d never sit on this couch again.

Kerry looked around for her crutch, unsure of exactly where she had abandoned it but not entirely trusting her legs for an elongated search expedition. Using the columns and then the wall as support, she slowly traveled toward the bathroom. She didn’t bother shutting the door, pulling her pants down the moment she crossed the threshold, almost tripping herself as she did so.

There was no denying what was happening. It was all so familiar.

They’d been fine nearly a week before. 9 days. She’d slipped into an empty exam room. She listened to their heartbeats. They were strong. They were fine.

A cramp gripped her suddenly, doubling her over so quickly she barely had time to grab onto the sink beside her. She breathed through it. It was all so familiar.

When the cramp passed, she slowly dropped herself onto the toilet. She wondered how long it had been. The last time… she didn’t know either. Blood. No heartbeat. Cramps. How did she not know when the lives inside her had ended? How did she not _feel_ it? Why could she not _stop_ it?

She’d need to change, her underwear and pants were soaked through, she’d obviously been bleeding for a while before she woke up. She cleaned herself up as best as she could, though she was going to put the same bloodied clothes back on for her trip to their bedroom.

This couldn't be happening again. Everything was going so well. She was healthy. They were healthy. They were growing. She was doing everything right.

Kerry rose to her feet, pulling herself up to the sink to rinse the blood off of her hands and her forearms. There had been so much. She turned back and flushed the toilet, making note of the clots as they swirled away. 

The wall provided her support again as she left the bathroom, though with one glance straight ahead she spotted her crutch, leaning just outside the door to the kitchen, where she had left it. She’d never been more grateful to see her crutch in her life and upon reaching it, she closed the clasp around her arm like an embrace, like the hand of a friend. She breathed into the comfort of her reclaimed support before starting the short walk down the hall, pausing once halfway through to breath through another cramp. It was happening faster this time. The first baby always takes longer, they say. 

Sandy. She didn’t call her last time. They’d fought over that decision, later on. No, maybe fought was the wrong word. Sandy was hurt. Sandy was hurt she hadn’t called, hurt she didn’t get to be there with her. Hurt she didn’t get to say goodbye. The fetus - their baby, their first born - Kerry didn’t want to see it. Him. She couldn’t. And Sandy didn’t know that he was gone until she’d gotten home that night and found Kerry in bed.

She needed to call Sandy.

Her crutch was the only thing keeping her vertical at this point as she made what felt like an hour long trip down the hallway, past the door to the nursery - the perpetually empty room - and into their bedroom, across the floor, until finally reaching the phone. She lifted the receiver and- _I need to sit down,_ the thought overwhelmed her. She looked beside her, down at the bed. The dial tone in the phone almost echoed the processing in her brain, the wheels spun slowly and wires were crossing. She couldn’t sit on the bed, not like this. She dropped the receiver back into its cradle and moved to the en suite, grabbing a towel from the linen closet before returning to the bed and throwing it down, sitting on top of it. It had been a few minutes since she cramped last. She could call Sandy and make it into the bathroom before anything else happened, she was sure of it.

The phone rang three times. Four times. Five.

_3 alarm. Be home late. Love you._

They were still out on their call. She’d forgotten why Sandy wasn’t home yet. She took a deep breath. She could do this on her own, she reminded herself. She was strong.

She’d always been strong. But last time… she was hemorrhaging. She wanted it to happen naturally, but it wasn’t. She was bleeding too much. Was she bleeding too much now? She wasn’t sure. She needed to get a pad on. With a pad, she could measure. She could know. She could know something definitive. Something quantifiable. She would have answers.

Before she knew what she was doing, she had changed her pants and underwear, pulling the release paper off and sticking the thick, heavy pad to her underwear. Quantifiable. One pad.

But now what? It was a waiting game. She knew that this could happen for hours, even days if the bleeding lightened up. What was she supposed to do while she waited? At work she had patients. At home she had…. time. To think. To feel.

No, she needed to work. She needed to… be needed. She made her way toward the kitchen, she was sure she’d brought home some paperwork, something remote, she could work on from home. Mortality reviews? The charts were in the ER. Her notes for the department head meeting on Thursday? In her locker. She rifled through her bag, surely she had something that needed combing over, planning. She pulled out a file - it was the schedule. Her maternity leave outline. She quickly shoved the file back into her bag.

Another cramp seized her thoughts, her body, her entire being, and she held the edge of the table, her knuckles white. The pain in her abdomen was nothing compared to the pain in her chest. She stayed there long after the cramp ended, one pain dissipating while another forged like a forest fire, leaving behind char and ash and dust.

She needed to try to call Sandy again, but a look at the clock told her that it hadn’t been more than 15 minutes since the last time she tried. Pulling her pager from her bag, she paged her, _911_. The code they’d discussed for labor. The code they’d discussed prematurely. Much too prematurely.

 _911_. The numbers held an intense new meaning. 911. Emergency. Our babies are coming. 

Our babies are gone.

She needed distraction. Work. Something to occupy the space in her brain. Something to distract her from the pain she felt in her chest. In her heart.

“Dr. Weaver?”

Kerry blinked her eyes hard. She was in the ER. She didn’t remember driving here. Or did she take the El? Her bangs were in her eyes and she lifted her left hand to brush them away - and there were her keys. She’d driven. She didn’t have her purse. Just her crutch and her keys. She wasn’t wearing a jacket.

“Kerry?” The voice repeated and suddenly Abby was at her side.

“Abby.” She acknowledged her presence, though her eyes never focused. They darted around the room, trying to take in as much information as possible: chairs was fairly empty, Frank was behind the desk, the ER was quiet. Abby was beside her, dressed to leave, probably ending her shift. A hand was on her arm.

“Dr. Weaver, I thought you were off tonight?” Abby said cautiously. Something wasn’t right. Why wasn’t Kerry wearing a jacket? It was after 9 o’clock at night and 34 degrees outside.

“I need to do the mortality reviews.” Kerry responded, though her voice hitched in her throat and Abby watched her hand tighten on the grip of her crutch, her knuckles turning bright white in contrast to the chilled red of her hands.

“Kerry?” Abby asked, tightening her hold on Kerry’s arm as the older doctor’s knees buckled slightly. “Kerry, are you in pain?”

Kerry didn’t respond. She couldn’t. The cramp ripped savagely through the base of her stomach and she breathed through it. It was all so familiar. Even Abby.

“Dr. Weaver, let's get you to a bed.” Abby said eventually as Kerry straightened out.

“No,” Kerry stated with authority, “I have work to do.” Kerry started toward the automatic doors which opened thankfully, as the med student manning the desk saw the Chief of ER coming.

“Kerry,” Abby followed her as Kerry took a sharp right toward the lounge, where the reports - her distraction - would be waiting for her in her locker. “Kerry, you’re bleeding.”

Kerry paused. She felt the warmth between her legs, but hadn’t consciously thought of it until this moment. Had she changed her pad before she left? So much for quantifiable - she couldn’t remember how many pads she’d gone through.

“We need to get you up to OB.” The pain in Abby’s voice was crystal clear, even if nothing else was. This was really happening. Kerry’s knees threatened to buckle yet she held herself up as she walked through the lounge door, though she immediately crumbled onto the couch just to the right of the entrance, her crutch skidding out in front of her. Abby was quick to join her, kneeling in front of her on the floor, placing a gentle hand on Kerry’s knee. Kerry only looked straight ahead, across the room. Why was she here? In the lounge of all places?

“Dr. Weaver, you are bleeding. Are you wearing a pad?” Kerry nodded. “How long have you been bleeding?”

“I don’t know,” Kerry whispered, blinking and shaking her head, her eyes finally focusing on the woman in front of her, “what time is it?”

“A little after 9.” 

“An hour. Maybe a little more.” Kerry answered, her first moment of lucidity accompanied by another cramp and she doubled over with a gasp.

“How much bleeding?” Abby asked, the OB nurse mode overpowering the concerned friend mode.

“I don’t know.” Kerry whispered again, breathing through the pain.

“Kerry, we need to get you upstairs.”

“I don’t know why I’m here,” her voice was small, practically inaudible, but Abby heard her, she’d heard Kerry speak like this before, “I don’t know why I’m here.”

“Let’s get you upstairs.” Abby didn’t know what else to say, trying with all her might to encourage her boss, her friend, to let someone else take care of her. “Let’s get you on a monitor. Just to be careful,” she assured her. There was almost no doubt what was happening to the older doctor, but Abby did her best to keep the morbidity out of her voice.

The pain had visibly passed and Kerry straightened up again. Her vision cleared and focused again on the nurse in front of her. Abby. She was either her good luck charm, always there when she needed her, or the visual of impending doom. Whichever she was, Kerry was grateful to her in this moment as Abby stood and offered a hand, helping Kerry to her feet. When they were both sure Kerry wouldn’t collapse, they stepped forward and Abby opened the door for the her.

Though she knew it was almost a dangerous move to make, Abby continued her steady hold of Kerry’s left arm, almost acting as another crutch, as they walked down the hallway. She knew the halls were fairly empty and they’d have practically a straight shot to OB.

“Dr. Weaver, do you want your messages?” Frank hollered in their direction as they walked past, but neither woman acknowledged him. Soon, they entered the elevator and Abby hit the button for the 5th floor.

Kerry moved away from Abby then, holding herself up against the wall.

“Can you call Sandy?” Kerry asked suddenly as the doors closed.

“Is she at work?” Abby asked, figuring she wasn’t home if that was where Kerry was coming from, judging by the casual clothes she wore.

“Yes.” The elevator dinged and the doors opened, but Kerry’s feet were glued to the floor. This would make it final. The silence from the ultrasound. The stillness of the monitor. She couldn’t do it.

“Kerry,” Abby prompted her soothingly, gently placing her hand on Kerry’s right arm, the arm that held her crutch. The arm that was extra sensitive to touch, one that had been held by many trying to stop her, like throwing a rope around her ankles. But Kerry didn’t retreat from this touch, instead she looked down to the hand that warmly held her, and followed the arm attached to that hand until eventually her eyes met Abby’s. “Let’s get you on a bed.”

“Maynard,” Kerry said as she stepped off the elevator, “my OB, Maynard.” Abby hadn’t asked her yet, but she knew it was coming.

“Okay,” Abby acknowledged the information but still led Kerry down the hallway and then into an empty birthing suite. Abby had worked in OB enough times to know protocol, and the fact that most rooms on the floor were empty assured her that the last minute filling of one should not be a problem. She helped Kerry change, neatly folding and putting aside the bloodied pants and underwear, slipping them into a plastic possessions bag, and then helped Kerry up onto the bed with a monitor before leaving to see which Attendings were on for the night shift.

Kerry laid back in the bed, her body feeling incredibly still and calm compared to the previous two hours that it had endured. Perhaps all was fine, maybe it was another false alarm. Kerry had been so precious about this pregnancy, it wouldn’t surprise her to find out that her babies were okay and she had overreacted. She tossed the sheets off of herself just in time for Janet Coburn to enter the room, followed closely by Abby.

“Hi, Kerry, how are you doing tonight?” Janet asked calmly, beginning to fill out a chart for the Chief of the ER. Kerry scoffed, swinging her legs off the bed.

“You know, I think I’ve overreacted again, Janet, I’m fine-” she began before Abby quickly came to her side, practically holding her down in bed.

“Bleeding about two hours, at _least_ three pads worth, cramps every ten minutes,” Abby relayed to Coburn as quickly and subtly as she could while Kerry tried to rise off the bed.

“Alright, well let’s keep you here a little longer, alright Kerry? And we’ll get a good idea of what’s happening.” Coburn had worked with so many women in denial that it was second nature, almost easier to handle than women who had a steady grasp on reality. Kerry stilled, though, at the assertiveness in Janet’s voice. Janet probably knew what was best.

  
  
  


She wasn’t sure how long she had been there. She’d been changed out of her clothes at some point. Her hair was pulled back out of her face - Abby had done that for her, she remembered the nurses cold fingers were a welcome sensation against her sweating forehead. She had an IV in the back of her hand, but she’d refused painkillers and she was starting to regret that decision, though the hot water bottle on her lower back was helping. They’d done an ultrasound, but Kerry couldn’t recall what was seen, she wasn’t sure if they’d even told her. They didn’t need to tell her.

And Sandy still wasn’t there.

Kerry breathed silently through another cramp, thinking she was keeping it a secret, but Abby and Janet both registered the change of breath in the redhead. Abby grabbed a hold of Kerry’s hand, allowing her to squeeze as much as she needed to. A tear leaked from Kerry’s eyes as she whimpered; this was the closest she’d ever get to feeling what it was like to give birth. She got all the pain, and none of the reward. Another cramp was starting before the last one had a chance to dissipate.

“I have to go to the bathroom,” Kerry said suddenly, sitting up as much as she could. Janet and Abby knew what was coming and set into action, Janet helping move Kerry’s legs into a better position and Abby moving closer toward her head, keeping a steady grip on her hand. Kerry pushed, not even fully aware of exactly what her body was doing, and grunted deeply as she felt liquid leak between her legs, though the pain did not dissipate.

“Okay, Kerry, don’t hold back, on the next cramp feel free to push,” Janet said supportively, rubbing a steady hand on Kerry’s shin. Kerry gasped two last breaths in before bearing down once, twice, and then feeling an odd sensation pass between her legs, laying back and recovering her breath as best as she could.

“Scissors,” she heard Corburn say in the distance as felt Abby move around her, but everything felt like a blur. Sandy. She just wanted Sandy.

“Shhhh… it’s okay, Dr. Weaver,” she felt Abby at her head again, brushing her hand over her head in a soothing motion. The cramps seemed to stop but she still struggled to recover her breath. She could hear Coburn moving in the room, but wasn’t sure what was happening. Corburn said something - Kerry heard her voice, unmistakably - and soon she felt something moving within her. It was a transvaginal ultrasound, and though everywhere ached, Kerry couldn’t do more than lay back. She didn’t have the strength to even speak out, to cry, to sob like she wanted to. She simply closed her eyes and succumbed to the exhaustion that had plagued her for hours, dreaming deeply of the moment she would see Sandy again and get to hold her in her arms.

  
  
  
  


Abby was asleep in the visitors chair beside Kerry’s bed, her legs pulled up uncomfortably into the chair and her head back against the wall, when she heard a light knock at the door. She blinked her eyes open slowly and took a second to register who it was.

She unfolded her body off of the chair quietly, careful not to wake Kerry who was deeply asleep beside her, and crept out of the room. When she closed the door behind her, John wrapped his arms around the small nurse.

“How’s she doing?”

“She’s been out for a while… a couple hours now. Has Sandy called downstairs?” Abby leaned into Carter’s embrace, it had been an emotionally taxing night and she desperately needed this hug.

“No, I checked before I came up. Do you want me to try the station again?” John stroked his hand over her hair.

“Nah, I can do it. I need to stretch my legs anyway.” Abby reluctantly broke away from John and began to make her way toward the front desk.

“Are you coming home tonight?” John asked, still unsure of exactly where their conversation had left them after they’d discussed Africa.

“Probably not… I don’t want to leave her like this.” Abby sat in the abandoned receptionist stool - Kirstin must have run to the bathroom, but Abby appreciated the momentary comfort. “John, she was really out of it. It was… seeing her like that… she’s such a force of nature, you know? It just didn’t feel right.”

John nodded, thinking back to the Benzene spill that had incapacitated Kerry years ago. Seeing their indomitable boss postictal and altered had shaken him to his core, and from what Abby had told him so far about the state Kerry had arrived in that night, he was sure he knew exactly what she was talking about.

“I brought your change of clothes, I left them downstairs in the lounge.” John had been home only a few hours when Abby had called him; she’d already been on an hour later than she was scheduled but no part of her felt right leaving Kerry in the state she was in, especially with Sandy MIA. And as the events of the night continued to unfold, Abby was continually glad that she had stayed by Kerry’s side.

“Thank you,” Abby said, eyes full of exhaustion as she picked up the phone receiver, “I’ll call you in the morning and let you know what’s going on.”

John nodded again as he moved toward the elevators. “I’d say tell her I’m thinking of her, but I’m sure she’d rather I just pretended not to know, right?” He was half kidding, half looking for a genuine answer.

“I think you’re right.” Abby dialed the numbers for the firehouse for what felt like the hundredth time that night and watched John hit the door for the elevator. As the doors opened, however, Sandy Lopez shot out of them so fast she practically knocked Carter over.

“Sandy!” Abby exhaled with relief, slamming the phone back down in the receiver and coming around to meet her, waving briefly to John as he stepped onto the elevator the frazzled brunette had just exited.

“Where is she?” Sandy looked like she’d walked straight out of a burning building and directly onto the 5th floor, which was essentially what she had done.

“She’s asleep,” Abby began, leading Sandy down the hallway, “she’s in here.”

Sandy peered into the window and watched with relief as her wife’s chest rose and fell underneath the thin hospital sheets. The second they’d returned from their call, she’d been informed of the numerous calls from the hospital as well as the 911 page she’d only just been able to check - she had no idea what had happened and the trip over here had only allowed her time to imagine the worst.

“What happened? She was fine this morning.” Sandy’s voice was dejected and full of regret - why was she never able to tell when something was wrong? There had to be signs she was missing - she wasn’t paying enough attention.

“She was fine when she left work, too.” Abby gestured to the seats across the hall and they sat beside each other, Sandy’s eyes boring holes into Abby’s, unsatisfied by the wait time for the answer to her question. When they settled, Abby continued, “She came back around 9. She didn’t have a coat on and she seemed confused, I think she was in shock. She was cramping and bleeding. I’m pretty sure she drove here, which is almost scarier than everything else.” Abby did not enjoy the feeling of reliving this night, but knew she had important information to relay to Kerry’s wife, no matter how painful it would be. “We got up here about an hour before…” her voice faded out, she wasn’t sure how to say it.

“Before…” Sandy repeated, prompting.

“Kerry miscarried one of the twins.” Abby hadn’t even known there were twins before tonight, before the ultrasound, though Janet did not seem surprised, “Her cervix is closed and the cramping and bleeding have stopped, so as of now, the other baby is okay.” Abby assured Sandy as best as she could, but knew it was a lot of information to process.

“So… one of the twins… it’s gone?” The exhaustion of working 7 hours to put out an apartment fire and rescue 19 occupants from three different floors topped with the draining of the adrenalin it had taken to get her to the hospital as fast as she did was weighing heavily on her brain as she tried to keep up.

“Yes…” Abby said gently, “11:16pm.” She’d noted the time, as she always did.

“But the other one…”

“-is okay right now. She should stay off her feet for a little while, just to be careful, but as of now everything is looking all right. They were dichorionic twins, so they didn’t share a placenta, which is good, it means the other baby’s chances are better than if they had. I know she was already considered high risk, but there will be a lot more monitoring involved now… just to keep an eye. But… this happens sometimes, one baby doesn’t grow correctly or… get the same nutrition. In a way it’s better that it… was born. Sometimes, the baby who passed away doesn't come out, sometimes it will reabsorb but other times it can cause infection or growth issues to the surviving twin. So… in a way, I know it doesn’t feel like it, but there _was_ a little luck on your side tonight.” Abby paused, giving Sandy the opportunity for questions, but she was met with silence. “Judging by the size... Coburn thinks the baby probably passed away about a week ago.” She added, hoping that any sort of details she could provide would bring at least an ounce of comfort.

Sandy’s mind jumped away in that moment - remembering the last time she’d heard a similar phrase. Their son. He was 14 weeks developed; they said they could see the organs starting to form, they could tell he was a boy. She wondered if 10 weeks was too early, if Kerry had been right that day, when she’d chosen what they thought was an arbitrary pronoun. She wondered if they had their girl.

“Coburn admitted her for the night; she had a fair amount of blood loss and Coburn was concerned about her mental status. But you’re welcome to stay here with her, I can get a cot moved in for you.” Sandy nodded, her eyes locked on the door to Kerry’s room.

“She doesn’t know yet,” Abby said suddenly, attempting to phrase everything with care, “that only one… is gone.” _Only_ didn’t feel right, but there it was. Sandy’s eyes quickly found Abby’s. “She lost consciousness quickly after it happened, and she’s been pretty incoherent in the few moments she’s woken up since. We thought it would be best to let her sleep.” Sandy nodded again, understanding her new unspoken job, though not feeling entirely up to the task.

Abby wasn’t sure how she expected Sandy to react to everything, but Sandy didn’t seem to be reacting at all. She was internalizing it, as Abby knew Kerry was wont to do as well. Every time Abby saw Sandy she was given another glimpse into why the two of them worked so well together. Abby wanted desperately to comfort her somehow: lay a hand on the older woman’s hand, hug her, any sort of physical connection, but nothing felt right. Sandy’s hands were busy, her right hand scratching at her left distractedly, anxiously.

“You can go in with her if you want, she’s been asleep for a while, I’m sure she’d be glad to see you.” Abby attempted a different sort of comfort and Sandy quickly rose to her feet, as if she had been pulling at the bit waiting for the permission. Just as she was about to push the door open, she turned back to Abby.

“Thank you for taking care of her tonight.” Sandy’s voice broke slightly looking back at the nurse.

“Hey, I promised you I would, didn’t I?” Abby smiled gently. Sandy returned the smile and turned to go into Kerry’s room.

  
  
  


Sandy closed the door gently behind herself as she entered the dark hospital room. Kerry was tucked beneath the stiff, sterile hospital sheets, her copper hair a bright contrast against the dull beige polyester. Sandy could see the night’s toll on Kerry’s features, her eyes were darkly rimmed and her face looked three shades whiter than she normally was. Sandy approached her cautiously, almost worried that the slightest breeze would collapse the shell of what was formally her wife.

She pulled the visitor chair up beside the bed, taking Kerry’s hand unencumbered by the IV line in her own, rubbing her thumb gently up and down the back of it, feeling the veins beneath her skin. Slowly, Kerry’s eyes began to blink and her head turned to the side she could feel a presence on, the lids of her eyes feeling like thirty pound weights each as she pried them open. Finally, Kerry’s ever changing eyes - currently a dull grey - found Sandy’s deep, sad brown ones, and Kerry did all she could not to break down then and there, gasping in a breath at the sudden appearance of the only thing she’d been longing for all night. The enormity of the night that her brain had shielded herself from until this moment hit her all at once and the monitor she was hooked up to began furiously beeping. Sandy rose from where she sat and took the trembling redhead in her arms - Kerry clinging to Sandy, pulling her as close as she could, her composure melting immediately at their contact.

“I’m sorry,” Sandy could barely make out from the whispered sob, “I can’t do this again, Sandy, I can’t.”

Sandy didn’t speak, but held her mourning wife in her arms, her own tears running furiously down her face. She could see Abby at the door, alerted by the monitor but waiting to see if the change was solely due to the new presence in the room. Sure enough, the monitor eventually returned to normal as Sandy and Kerry still held each other. Neither was sure exactly how long they had been like that, but finally Sandy scooted onto the bed beside Kerry and Kerry buried herself into her chest, Sandy stoking her head in soothing rhythm.

When Kerry finally quieted, her breathing in small hiccups, Sandy spoke in a hushed voice.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here.” She had given Kerry such a hard time about not calling the last time, and tonight Kerry had called and paged and called again, but Sandy didn’t come. She couldn’t forgive herself for this, she wasn’t sure she ever would.

Kerry shook her head, reaching blindly for Sandy’s hand she could feel wrapped around her on her hip, pulling it up to her chest and holding it tight.

As they both recovered from the intense emotion of their reunion, Sandy suddenly felt gravely ill, remembering her task at hand. Not only did she not know how she was going to broach the news, but she felt immense guilt for keeping this knowledge from her wife for the additional 10 minutes Kerry had been awake. She gently sat up, laying Kerry back against the pillows and shifting her body to face her directly. She looked so small in that bed. Sandy leaned forward and kissed her, suddenly overwhelmingly grateful that Kerry was okay. Just a half hour before she hadn’t been so sure.

“I need to tell you something,” Sandy started, but Kerry pulled her face away, squeezing her eyes shut.

“I know.” Kerry did her best to keep her emotions reeled in; she wasn’t sure she had the energy to cry any more.

“No, Kerry, look at me.” Sandy gently turned Kerry’s face back in her direction. Kerry’s eyes were wide, tears threatened to fall. “We lost a baby tonight.” Just as Abby had had trouble phrasing it earlier, Sandy also wasn’t sure how to put it.

Kerry nodded furiously, tears escaping down her cheeks.

“But… we didn’t lose them both.”

Kerry’s eyes wordlessly searched Sandy’s face, searching desperately for some sort of clarification, something to help her understand the words that felt like they were in some language she didn’t understand.

“What -” Kerry sniffed, wiping frantically at the tears on her face, “what are you talking about?”

Sandy moved her hand toward Kerry’s stomach, placing it gently over what felt so immensely delicate and fragile now.

“We didn’t lose them both.” Sandy repeated. Both of Kerry’s hands shot down to meet Sandy’s, her eyes never leaving her wife’s.

Kerry didn’t speak, but her face crumpled again as she sobbed, and Sandy resumed her position wrapped around the redheaded woman, holding her tight against her chest. Wishing she could take all of the pain away. Wishing this process was less heartbreaking. Less gut-punching. Soul crushing. Wishing any ounce of this experience was fair. None of this was easy. None of this was normal. None of this was fair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * trigger warning * - moderately graphic detail of a miscarriage, including lots of blood.
> 
> It is a little after 5am, it is now light outside, and I am finally posting this chapter. I didn't want to keep you all waiting too long after the last one, but I have been working furiously on this chapter for the last week and I am finally satisfied with it. It was painful to write and research for (and then read repeatedly as I edited) but here it is. I hope I still managed to surprise you and throw you for a few loops.
> 
> Because of the insane amount of research that the last two chapters have taken to write, and then how quickly I wanted the turn around on this one to be, this is the first time since publishing that I do not have one word of the next chapter written yet. But, we are on to slightly brighter pastures for a while, so let's all take a collective breath. 
> 
> Again, I would be so appreciative to hear your thoughts! Sometimes your comments give me giant bursts of inspiration (we can all thank(/blame😉) simplywoven for the twin plot!) and it also makes all the work worth it. Thanks again in advance, and chat with you all soon!


	10. There's My Girl

“What time did Coburn say she was coming by to discharge me?” Kerry asked as she returned from the bathroom slowly, climbing back into bed while Sandy pulled Kerry’s clothes from the night before out of the plastic possessions bag.

“8:30.” Sandy pulled out her _Co. 38 2002 BBQ_ t-shirt that Kerry had been wearing, putting it on the bed beside the redhead, then pulling out the sweatpants, making note of the reddish brown stains down the inner thighs. “Maybe you should wear some scrub pants home.” Sandy shoved the sweats back into the bag.

“It’s almost 8 now, have you seen her in the halls yet?” Kerry peered out the window from her vantage point on the bed. She’d somehow managed to avoid her staff - aside from Abby and Frank who had seen her last night - and she didn’t want Coburn running late to affect that. She needed to slip out of here without being seen and call in sick from home. 

“She’ll get here when she gets here, why don’t you relax?” A long day and sleepless night left them both on edge, a bite in Sandy’s voice unintentional but unavoidable.

“I can’t relax. Not until we get out of here - I don’t want anyone to see me. I don’t want this getting all over the hospital.” She fussed with the blanket that covered her lap, smoothing it out over her. She was already fighting her morning sickness and was desperate to get home so she could get back into bed and sleep for the rest of the day. 

“Would it make you feel better if I went to look and see if she was making rounds yet?” Sandy gambled, exasperated (but mostly exhausted). Kerry nodded, despite Sandy’s frustration. “Okay, I’ll be back.” Sandy pulled the door open and moved out of the room for the first time since she’d gotten there nearly 7 hours ago. Neither of them had slept well - Sandy was grateful for the cot that had been moved into the room, but the distance from her wife kept her up. Kerry struggled with an aching back and hip most of the night, tossing and turning on the creaky hospital bed. They’d muttered comforts to each other in an attempt at some sort of connection, but the efforts were lost in the distance between the beds.

Kerry laid her head back, trying her best to keep from reliving the previous night, but it came back in flashes. Not only all the blood, and the pain, but even the events from earlier in the day. Her meeting with Romano and Anspaugh. She was promoted to Chief of Staff. And almost immediately following, miscarried a baby. If that wasn’t a warning sign…

A knock at the door saved her from that train of thought and she looked up.

“Kerry, may I come in?” 

She couldn’t believe it. Out of every single human in this hospital, this had to be the one who was knocking at her door.

“Of course, Don.” 

“How are you feeling?” He asked cautiously, slowly making his way into the room as he shut the door behind him.

“I’m alright, thank you,” she lied.

“You’ll be happy to know Janet wouldn’t tell me anything about your condition.” He chuckled, pulling the chair Sandy had recently vacated up to her bedside.

“She’s a great doctor.” Kerry nodded, eyeing him. He’d come to withdraw his offer, she could feel it.

“Are you willing to tell me anything?”

“There isn’t much to tell.”

“Kerry…”

“I won’t need more than three days...” she assured him with feigned confidence. She did not have the energy for this, but was fighting tooth and nail to hold onto her last shred of control. She wasn’t ready to tell him, she didn’t have her notes, her plan. It was going to be entirely different now, anyway. It felt as if every time she’d figured out a new course of action, everything would change again, and it only added to her desperate need to control _something_ . _Anything_.

Anspaugh took a moment, his eyes narrowed as he searched Kerry’s face, leaning back in his chair.

“I spoke with Romano,” he began, watching the sheer panic flash through her eyes before she was able to disguise it, “but don’t worry. I only said you were out sick for the day. He starts as Chief in the ER when he comes in at noon, and I will fill in for you for the week.”

“Don, that really isn’t necessary-” she wanted to argue, but he cut her off quickly.

“It’s not often that I visit friends in obstetrics...” he looked around the room, changing the subject masterfully, “these rooms really could use a new coat of paint, don’t you think?”

As Anspaugh seemed to be assessing the decor, Kerry’s argument faded out in her head. It really _was_ necessary for him to step in for her for the week, perhaps longer. Maybe she wasn’t the right person for the job. The timing… it wasn’t working out. What did she want? Did she want to be Chief? Of course she did. She’d been working for 9 years for the position.

But did she want to be able to carry this child to term?

More than anything in the world.

She’d already failed their twin - she should have taken more time off, slowed down sooner. She should have policed her thoughts, kept her stress levels lower. She shouldn’t have done all of that research…

“Don, I… I was pregnant... with twins.”

“Was?” His attention flashed back to her.

“I lost one of them last night.” While the pain in her heart was intense, it still didn’t feel entirely real, and not even speaking the words out loud for the first time allowed them to sink in any deeper. “I am going to need the next few days off to monitor my pregnancy. To make sure I do not lose the other fetus. But then I will be able to return to work and begin my duties as Chief of Staff. I drafted a very detailed outline for the next 8 months, including a few recommendations for an interim Chief, but for Chief of _Emergency Services_ , as this was all before yesterday, before our meeting and when I was still dealing with a multiple pregnancy. While I am no longer carrying twins, obviously having been through a co-twin demise has intensified the risk of this pregnancy, so adjustments will need to be made to my proposition but I assure you it will be on your desk by tonight.”

It seemed to Anspaugh as if Kerry had relayed all of that information without taking a single breath, therefore it took him some extra time to process it all.

Kerry had absolutely no clue what was going on in his mind, his usual stoic expression only more intense than usual.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

Kerry simply shook her head, not understanding.

“I wish you would have come to me sooner, Kerry, we could have figured this out together and you would not have had to take it all on yourself.”

Kerry’s eyes, much to her frustration, immediately filled to the brim with tears, overwhelmed by the genuine affection in her superior’s voice.

“I… I don’t know. I was- I was nervous about… I didn’t want you to think I couldn’t handle it.” Her words didn’t come to her as easily now, and she felt much like a child trying not to disappoint their father. 

Anspaugh leaned forward then, and placed his hand on Kerry’s at her side.

“Take the week, Kerry. Relax, take care of yourself and your child, and come back when you’re ready. We will work on the plan together and we will make this work.” He had seen Kerry throw her entire self into this hospital for the last 9 years; he had seen her dedication and commitment and the sacrifices she had made. He would never forgive himself if he were to stand by while the woman worked herself into the ground, forfeiting her last few years to grow her family. He would give anything to go back and choose to spend more time with his son. “If anyone can make it happen, it’s you.”

Kerry nodded then, tears escaping down her cheeks without permission, and she did anything but make eye contact as she knew the second she did her voice would check out on her and she would be a blubbering mess.

“Thank you, Don.” She doubted she’d be able to go home and do absolutely no work, but the thought that she did not have to figure out everything herself was a weight lifted from her shoulders that she did not realize she was carrying.

He patted her hand and stood up, crossing to the door as he spoke. “Well alright, I better get out of here before anyone comes looking for me. You take care of yourself, Kerry.” And with that, he nodded one last time and left. 

Not in her wildest dreams did Kerry ever imagine that meeting would go the way it did, almost to the point where she wondered if pain killers had been slipped into her IV and she had hallucinated the whole interaction. The weight she felt off of her shoulders was immense, and she felt she could breath a little deeper. She knew there were still a lot of technicalities to figure out, but for the first time since she was given the promotion she felt like it was actually possible.

Sandy slipped back in the room then, a pair of scrub pants in hand.

“Was that who I think it was?” Her eyes were wide, only recognizing him from various descriptions she’d heard from Kerry.

“It was indeed,” Kerry took a deep breath, relishing in the ability to do so, before turning the sheets down off of herself and sliding her legs over the edge of the bed, taking the scrub pants from Sandy and beginning to put them on under her hospital gown.

“... and?” Sandy prompted, crossing to grab Kerry’s bra and t-shirt without taking her eyes off of her.

“And I think everything is going to be alright.” Kerry smiled for the first time in what felt like centuries, the relief palpable to Sandy even from where she stood across the room.

Sandy couldn’t help the smile that enveloped her face, crossing to her wife to help her untie the hospital gown. “I like the sound of that.” Sandy stood between Kerry and the door as she removed the gown and put on her bra and top, should there be any more unexpected visitors. Kerry turned as she pulled her t-shirt down the rest of the way and Sandy’s hands found themselves on either side of the swell of her stomach. They hadn’t spoken any more about it since she’d first gotten there and Sandy knew personally her emotions were all sorts of jumbled inside, she couldn’t help but wonder where Kerry was with it all.

“How are you feeling?” Sandy asked quietly, her thumbs rubbing gently over the small bump.

Kerry, too exhausted from the night and overwhelmingly relieved from her last visitor, did not have the strength to put up her normal walls, especially not from the certain warm brown eyes that were currently looking at her. “Okay right now…” she began, and then added, “sore. Tired.” Kerry leaned back against the bed and Sandy kissed her on the cheek before moving away to finish packing their things. Though Sandy was probably the only one who was allowed such glimpses beyond Kerry’s armor, she always knew when Kerry wasn’t feeling well, _especially_ when she was honest about pain.

“And frustrated. Where the _hell_ is Coburn?” Kerry added with a bite. _There’s my girl,_ Sandy thought with a smirk.

Sandy twisted her keys in the lock and pushed the front door to their apartment open, holding the heavy door to the side so her wife could walk in ahead of her.

“Are you hungry yet?” Sandy asked as she shut the door behind them, following Kerry closely and helping her take off Sandy’s quilted Chicago Fire Dept. jacket - Sandy's long sleeve had certainly been warmer than the mere t-shirt Kerry had managed to wear to the ER the night before and she had gladly turned the thick coat over to the redhead. Sandy also felt like she was literally running on steam at this point, so she was warm all on her own. 

“No, I’m not hungry - but Sandy, wait.” Kerry caught her arm as she moved past her further into the apartment. “I didn’t get to clean up before I left last night.” She spoke pointedly, hoping Sandy would understand her meaning without needing to go into too much graphic detail. Sandy did, immediately, and nodded.

“Okay. I’ll take care of it. What do you need?” Kerry could not believe this woman - she’d never felt so taken care of in her life. So seen. This woman was everything she’d wanted before she even knew she wanted it.

Kerry shook herself out of her thoughts, momentarily assessing herself. “A bath. A warm bath.” Not only was she incredibly sore from the events of the night, but the sponge bath at the hospital had done nothing to make her forget the tacky feeling of blood all over her body. A bath was most certainly what she needed.

“I’ll run you a bath, then. You should at least have a glass of water before you get in, Coburn said to keep your fluid intake up.” Sandy was gone before Kerry could respond, knowing she was sure to get an eye roll or a sarcastic grin. 

Sandy made her way into their en-suite, momentarily pausing in their doorway at the sight of the towel on the bed and the dark brown patch of dried blood in the middle of it. Without letting herself think too much about it, she walked right over and pulled the towel off, bunching it up into a ball and throwing it into their hamper, though she was sure it would end up thrown out sooner rather than later. She moved into the bathroom then, and again found her feet cemented to the floor. Kerry’s grey sweatpants - her favorite lounging pants, Sandy knew - lay stained and hardened, the blood having dried them into their crumpled shape on the floor overnight. Sandy could not believe the amount of blood Kerry had lost - they’d told her that they’d been close to having to give her some, but seeing it was different. Sandy picked up the pants and underwear, throwing them into the sink momentarily as she inspected the rest of the bathroom. Aside from a few spots on the floor, and a smudge on the handle of the toilet, it was fairly clean. Sandy wiped away furiously at the traces, throwing the toilet paper into the toilet and flushing away the evidence of the night she hadn’t been around for. The night she should have been there for. 

Sandy turned on the water then, and pulled the curtain closed, letting the tub fill up with the exact temperature of water she knew Kerry liked to bathe in. She pulled out the bag of Epsom salts, unsure if Kerry would want any additions to her bath this time, but leaving them within reach in case she did. She grabbed Kerry’s clothes out of the sink and moved into the bedroom, this time greeted by Kerry in their bedroom doorway.

“I was going to throw these out.” Sandy didn’t want to hold up the clothes, Kerry knew what she was talking about. “Unless you wanted to try -”

“No. Throw them out.” Kerry kept her head down, moving into the bedroom and setting her glass of water on her bedside table.

“Do you remember where you got these sweatpants? We can try to get you another pair.”

“No, I got them years ago. It’s not a big deal. Just throw them out.” Kerry sat on the edge of the bed, undoing the tie to the scrub pants and pulling them down her legs. Sandy didn’t feel right throwing those sweats out, she knew Kerry practically lived in them when she was home.

“The bath should be filled soon - I didn’t put anything in it yet, I wasn’t sure what you'd be in the mood for.”

“Thank you.” The visual of the sweatpants had certainly lowered Kerry’s spirits significantly, Sandy had wanted to get all traces of the night cleaned up before Kerry could see them, and Sandy wished she knew something she could do to make it easier. Time, she supposed, would be the only thing that would get them both through this. She could barely figure out her own emotions, how would she even begin to figure out and fix Kerry’s?

“Do you want any help?” Sandy offered - though the way Kerry received an invitation of help was always a mixed bag.

“No. I’ve got it.” Kerry was sitting, unmoving, on the edge of the bed. Sandy decided to give her a minute, the woman hadn’t had a moment to herself since - well, since the last time she had been home. Sandy shook the thought from her head, moving back to the main living area of their apartment. 

It was too quiet, she decided. She needed TV, some sort of noise. Sandy moved into the living room, grabbing the remote off of the coffee table and clicking on the TV, then throwing the remote down onto the couch. Her eyes caught the sight only briefly, and as much as her brain screamed at her not to, she slowly turned back to the couch. The middle cushion had been soaked in blood. She must have been here for a while, Sandy thought, judging by how wide the stain had traveled. And it was just that, a stain. It was never coming clean. It was similar to the stain in her consciousness that would also never come clean, the stain that sent waves of guilt through her spine, down her fingers.

She’d make up for not being there. She would. She pulled the cushion off of the couch and began going over her schedule in her head for when she'd be able to make it to the closest furniture store to replace the cushion - or hell, the whole couch - when the phone began to ring.

“I got it.” Sandy called to Kerry from across the apartment and grabbed the phone off of it’s cradle, hitting the mute button on the remote to silence the TV she had just turned on. “Yeah?”

“That is how you answer the phone for your mother? Yeah?” Florina began on the line. Sandy immediately dropped down onto the couch, ignoring the empty spot without a cushion beside her.

“Hi, Ma. What’s up?” Sandy did not have it in her to deal with her mother right now.

“What’s up? I haven’t been able to get a hold of you for 24 hours and you ask ‘What’s Up’?”

“I’m sorry, Ma, it’s been a little crazy around here lately.” Sandy tried to remember the last time she’d called her mother - maybe a week ago? She tried to call once a week to avoid conversations like this one; the guilt her mother was capable of inflicting was impressive.

“Too crazy you can’t call your own mother? I was so worried about you, mija!” Sandy could barely make out her father in the background, yelling at her mother to calm down and come back to breakfast. She looked at the clock - it was approaching 9:30am now and she was surprised that they were only just eating.

“We’re fine, Ma. Long crazy hours for both of us, you know how it is.”

“Well tell me you are at least coming to Saturday dinner.” Florina was relentless; Kerry had pointed out more than once the source of Sandy’s stubbornness.

“Kerry works Saturday nights, I’ve told you that.”

“Well that’s no problem…” the words left unspoken were much louder in Sandy’s ears than those that were, “ _you_ are coming to Saturday dinner, no?”

“I don’t know. I might pick up a shift.”

“Has someone asked you to?”

“No, but I might ask someone if they’ll switch with me.”

“I don’t know why you act like this.” She could almost see her mother shaking her head.

“I’m not acting like anything, Ma, I just wish you could get over whatever issues you have with Kerry. She’s not going anywhere.”

“I don’t have issues with Kerry! Who said I have issues with Kerry?”

Sandy cut Florina off before the conversation could go much further, “You know what, Ma, I gotta go. I just got home and I am exhausted, I’ll call you later.”

“I will see you Saturday?” Florina tried again.

“Bye, Ma.” Sandy clicked the end button on the phone and dropped it back in its cradle, running a tired hand over her face. She couldn’t help feeling like her life had somehow spiraled off course, in a direction she sure as hell had not anticipated. She didn’t regret it - not one moment of it - but she also hadn’t been prepared for it. Sandy liked to be prepared, ready for anything thrown her way, at a moment's notice. And last night… she hadn’t been prepared for last night, not at all. Not emotionally, not physically, not spiritually.

Kerry was in the bath, and knowing her wife, she’d be in the bath for upwards of an hour. The knowledge that she was alone for a while seeped slowly over Sandy as she finally let herself lean into her emotions, every single one she had had since she got the first message from the hospital. Since she’d seen the first page. _911_.

And Sandy wept. Sandy wept for her baby, the one they would never meet. Sandy wept for her wife, for her physical pain, for her emotional pain. She wept for her mother, who would never really get to know her grandchildren, through _every_ fault of her own. She wept for her other baby, the one that still resided within Kerry, for the life she knew would be filled with hardships, despite their best efforts. Being raised by two moms in a state that did not even recognize their marriage. In a country - in a world - that still did not recognize their love.

And she wept for herself. For her shortcomings as a wife, as a woman, as a mother. As a daughter.

“Sandy?” She lifted her face out of her hands and turned around, her eyes catching Kerry’s from across the room. She hastily brushed the tears off her face. 

“I- I thought you were in the tub.”

“It’s still filling up.” Kerry said gently, though they both knew from the silence in the house that the faucet was not running, “I thought I heard you…” Her voice faded out. She crossed to Sandy, who still sat slumped over on the couch. Kerry reached down and held Sandy by the shoulders delicately. “What’s going on?”

Sandy shook her head, plastering her best fake smile across her face. “Nothing, it’s nothing.” When Kerry did not give up, Sandy tried a different route, “That was my mom. You know how she can get to me.”

Kerry nodded, though she wasn’t convinced. Sandy remained seated, and Kerry pulled her forward into a hug, Sandy’s cheek resting on the soft bathrobe Kerry had wrapped around herself. Kerry stroked Sandy’s hair, and Sandy wrapped her arms around her waist, turning her head and planting a few soft kisses over Kerry’s stomach. Sandy allowed a few more tears to fall, hidden from her wife’s face from her position against the bathrobe. Just as Sandy felt Kerry shift all of her weight onto her right leg, a sure sign that a change of position was imminent, the doorbell rang. Sandy looked up at Kerry questioningly, but Kerry obviously didn’t know any more than Sandy did.

Kerry reluctantly peeled herself from Sandy’s arms and crossed to the door, surprised to see Abby on the other side.

“Abby,” Kerry greeted the nurse, her brows furrowed, “what are you doing here?”

Abby held up a pair of keys - Kerry’s car keys.

“I brought your car back. I thought you might need it.” Abby handed the keys to Kerry, not missing the embarrassed look on the redhead's face. She still barely remembered driving to the hospital.

“Where was it?” She asked quietly, shamefully, as if the two other people in the room didn’t already know what had happened.

“A couple streets over from the hospital. I walked around hitting the lock button for half an hour listening for the beeping, I’m surprised I didn’t get the cops called on me.” Abby tried to joke, but saw the attempt fell flat. Suddenly she was very aware that she had walked into the middle of something, catching Sandy turning away and wiping her eyes subtly. “I don’t want to bother you guys, I should get going.”

Abby turned to leave but Kerry stopped her with a hand on her arm.

“Let me at least give you cab money so you can get home,” once she knew she had successfully stopped Abby, Kerry turned away toward her purse.

“No, please, that’s not necessary. I’ll just take the El.” She wasn’t about to tell Kerry that John was outside in his Jeep waiting for her - Abby would let Kerry be blissfully ignorant of his knowledge of the whole situation. “Really, Kerry, it’s not a big deal.”

Kerry fished through her wallet, ignoring Abby completely, and forced a $20 into her hand. “Nonsense.”

While Abby knew she had lost this battle, she could think of twelve different ways to get the money back to Kerry, so she let the older woman take the win and slid the bill into her pocket.

“How are you feeling?” Abby thought she’d take the chance at the question, now that Kerry had felt victorious for a moment.

“I’m okay,” Kerry answered honestly. She was a lot of things, but she was a hell of a lot better than she had been only 12 hours ago, and that was good enough for her. She nodded, punctuating the end of her statement, letting Abby know that was the most she would be getting out of her.

“Good.” Abby smiled, then started to move away from the door, making her exit, “We’ll see you in a week?” Kerry nodded and Abby continued down the hallway, walking backwards as she tossed: “And don’t worry about the ER, it’s in good hands. I heard Romano is taking over… that should be a good time.” She struggled to even joke about the shift in power; he hadn’t even worked one shift as Chief yet and she’d already gotten three calls from Chuny and Malik.

“Thanks Abby, that’s reassuring.” Kerry quipped, waving goodbye as she shut the door behind her, turning and leaning against it for a moment, taking a deep breath.

“What does she mean Romano is taking over?” Sandy asked from the couch.

Kerry brought a hand up to her forehead and laughed, in spite of herself. “Oh my god, we have so much to talk about… later. Right now, I’m getting in the bath.” 

Sandy watched curiously as Kerry gently used the walls to keep her balance on her way back to their bedroom. What else could they _possibly_ have to talk about that Sandy didn’t already know?

  
  
  


About 45 minutes of peaceful relaxation later, Sandy slowly entered their bathroom, finding Kerry still happily soaking in the tub, the smell of the epsom salts filling the warm room. Her head was leaned back against the spa pillow that Sandy had always found ridiculous - but Sandy was not a bath person, unless she was bathing with a partner. Sandy couldn’t deny that she enjoyed the baths she took _with_ Kerry, but before they’d started going out Sandy was sure the last bath she had taken was when she was 7 years old.

“Hey,” she said gently, shutting the door behind her to keep the room warm. Sandy sat at the side of the tub and ran her hand over her wife’s hair as Kerry’s eyes opened slightly, briefly, “just checking on you.”

Kerry smiled lazily, clearly just at the edge of sleep, so it was good Sandy stopped in. Baths were her happy place - her hip didn’t ache, it was quiet, nobody asked anything of her for at least an hour. Sandy continued to run her hand over Kerry’s head before brushing briefly against her forehead, then placing her hand with greater intention square across it.

“You’re warm…” Sandy panicked, “do you have a fever? Where is the thermometer-” She started to rise before a wet hand grabbed her arm and held her in place.

“I’m in the bath, Sandy. I’m going to be warm.” She was so relaxed she practically slurred. She was right, Sandy knew, but she had a feeling she was going to devolve into a helicopter partner, and already knew it wasn’t going to play over well with Kerry in the long run. She bit her lip but sat back down on the edge of the tub and grabbed Kerry’s hand in her own.

“How’s the morning sickness?"

“Mhhh… I haven’t had to get out to puke yet. So not bad.” She’d spare Sandy the details of what happened before she got in. “I should have realized…” Kerry started, her eyes still closed.

Sandy looked down at her, “Realized what?”

“What was happening.” Kerry stated, as if that cleared anything up. Then she added, “When the morning sickness got better… it was too early. It was my hormone levels…”

“Well… even if you knew, you wouldn’t have been able to do anything about it, so maybe it’s better that you didn’t.” Sandy tried to reassure her, noticing the beginnings of tears leaking through her closed eyes. “Besides, it didn’t exactly go away. I seem to recall being thrown up on this week…” Sandy smirked, thinking back to the moment a few days previous as they were rushing out the door and Sandy had leaned down in front of Kerry to pick up her briefcase… and then sent Kerry off without her as she stayed behind to shower again.

“I still should have known. I’m a doctor.” Kerry’s voice remained even, her face relaxed. The only indication of how Sandy was sure she really felt were the tears she saw gathering. “If I had a patient who went from the morning sickness I was feeling to half that practically overnight… I should have known.” She paused. “I didn’t want to believe it.”

Sandy squeezed her hand, letting her work through this moment whatever way she needed to.

“If I can’t separate my personal feelings from my medical knowledge when it comes to my own body… how am I going to take care of a baby. Denial. The newest parenting craze.”

Sandy snickered at that, then watched the corners of Kerry’s lips turn up at the sound of her laugh.

“You are going to be an incredible mom, Kerry. Give yourself some slack. You’ve had a lot going on… and you’re putting a lot of pressure on instinct. When that baby is here, it will be in front of you, in your arms. There will be no guesswork involved. I have no doubt in your abilities as a mother, my love. Plus - you won’t be doing it alone.” Sandy leaned down and kissed the crown of Kerry’s head, then opted for another moment of levity. “Now, I have seven hours before my shift, and I need my personal body pillow in bed with me so I can sleep a few hours before then. When you are done, please meet me directly in our bed. I will be waiting there for you. Clothing is optional.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while! Longer than I intended. I've had somewhat of a health crisis on my end that I've finally gotten a handle on (not 'rona, don't worry) but it has kept me from working on this for the last few weeks. I've started to feel like my normal self again this past weekend so I finished this chapter and have written through chapter 12, so I will do my best not to keep y'all waiting another month between chapters.
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who left me a note on the last one letting me know what you thought - I was so nervous about that chapter and wasn't sure how it would be received, but I'm so glad that y'all enjoyed it. I promise we will not be so deep in the despair all the time, we gotta make sure we get the cute Kerry/Sandy moments the show deprived us of, and I promise that is coming.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you are all well and staying safe and sane! Until next time.


	11. The Bigger Person

“Well, I see you’re making yourself at home.” The grating voice of the former Chief of Staff startled Kerry as she dug through one of her boxes on the floor of her new office, lifting the Dogon statue she had received as a Christmas gift from Mlungisi and setting it delicately on her desk.

“I’m sorry, Robert, I would have waited but I had to reschedule last week’s department head meetings for today and this is the only time I have to get this done.” Leaning down again, she grabbed her framed diploma and set it beside the statue on her desk. Her hip was already irritated at the repetitive bending, but her boxes were heavy and she wasn’t about to lift them herself. Robert’s belongings took up most of the surface of her desk anyway, packed up, ready for their departure. “I’ll have all of this sent to your home by week’s end.”

“Of course…” He stepped further into the room. She could feel his eyes on the back of her head, but she wasn’t going to turn around. She was busy and she was not about to give him the satisfaction of knowing that he was getting to her. “So uh - where were you last week, anyway? Chicago’s Leading Backstabbers have a Gay and Lesbian Retreat?” She threw him a glare over her shoulder as she moved toward the bookshelves, setting down another statue with a deep breath. “Sure looks like the food was good; you been putting on a little weight there, Kerry?”

The fiery fury that pulsed through her body was comparable to the electronic pulse of a defibrillator and she spun to face him with only  _ just _ enough restraint to keep from lifting her crutch and cracking it on the side of his head.

“Is there something I can do for you, Robert? Or did you just come by this morning to insult me? Because if that’s all, perhaps we could reschedule, I have some real work to do.” she said as she moved behind her desk, claiming her position. She placed her hands on the desk and leaned forward, her eyes in a deadlock with Robert’s, who stood in the center of the room. What she knew looked like a power move was also a disguised way of relieving more of the pressure off of her hip; Robert was right, she was gaining weight, and the new additional pounds were not playing games. Her hip would adjust in time, she told herself, but for now it was like red-hot heat when she moved the wrong way.

Robert kept his eyes locked with hers until finally he turned away, eyeing the painting that leaned against the opposite wall, waiting to be hung. “I’ve always hated the impressionists,” he muttered.

“Look, it was a lateral move, Robert. Believe me, it wasn’t my idea.” She would have happily relished in this exact scenario - about a year from now. But for now, the job she’d been working her way toward her entire career felt more like a punishment, adding yet another responsibility (and enemy) to her plate.

“That’s strange, because this little power play smacks of a certain estrogen-based malice I’ve grown all too familiar with over the years.” He took a step toward her, then lowered his voice. “It’s surprising to me that you, of all people, are who Anspaugh chose for the position after you have been all but MIA for nearly a year now.” His eyes narrowed accusingly.

Kerry scoffed, “I have not been anywhere, Robert. I have been here, working my ass off, cleaning up your HR messes, just like I have been for the last six years.” 

“You’re off your game, Kerry,” he ignored her, continuing with a smile, “and it’s just a matter of time before Anspaugh sees that and realizes what a mistake he’s made.”

“I really wish you’d try to appreciate the fact that we are doing you a favor here.”

“What you’re doing is bending me over and driving it up the chocolate highway. Let’s be honest.” The room stilled. “I’m not sure exactly what you did to get this position, but you’re slipping, Kerry. You’re pushing me out, and if you’re not careful, I will take you down with me. And you won't have a leg to stand on. Pun intended.” With one last pointed smirk he turned to leave the room, nearly crashing into her new secretary on his way out. “Don’t get too comfortable!” He tossed over his shoulder as he slammed the door to the hallway open with his good hand.

Kerry knew that whatever Robert thought he had on her was entirely fictitious - the Chen/Malucci ordeal had been years ago, and her one and only suspension even further back, and both had been put to rest. He had obviously misinterpreted her attempts at keeping her pregnancy a secret into some elaborate, concocted power play against him. She wasn’t worried, Anspaugh knew the truth and sooner than later everyone else would too; but that didn’t stop her from feeling the need to keep a close eye on Romano. He was like a cornered dog - lashing out, his fight or flight instinct leaning heavily toward the former. Their relationship had always been a delicate balance, but in Robert’s eyes, he had always been on top. Kerry wasn’t sure what to expect from him as he descended down the very stairs she herself had just climbed. 

  
  
  


The day went by slowly - much slower than Kerry would have appreciated. By the time her office was set up enough to be presentable and Romano’s boxes were moved into a nearby storage closet, the first of her one-on-one meetings with the head of each department had been due to start at any moment. While Kerry did truly enjoy speaking with each doctor about their concerns and hopes for each of their departments, Robert’s voice continued to play on a loop in the back of her head.  _ You’re pushing me out, and if you’re not careful, I will take you down with me. _

Despite her knowledge that there wasn’t anything he could use against her, his voice still haunted her through each of her meetings. Luckily, she’d thought to tell him not to bother coming. She knew what the ER needed and, in truth, could not bear his presence for another moment that day. He’d scoffed and told her he’d planned a mid-day lunch with his latest conquest over their originally scheduled meeting, and not to expect him at the full Department Head meeting at the end of the week, either. Though she knew he was bluffing with his last claim, she didn’t have it in her to argue.

A knock at the door pulled her out of her Romano-induced purgatory and she was at once relieved and tensed at the sight of Janet Coburn at her door. 

“Dr. Coburn, please.” Kerry motioned to the chair across from her desk. She rose out of her own chair slowly, taking advantage of the respite Janet’s presence brought to the need to conceal her pregnancy by standing for the first time in hours. She’d spent all day behind her desk, hiding her body as much as she could as doctor after doctor sat opposite of her, knowing if she wasn’t careful somebody might figure out her secret before she was ready to tell them.

“Dr. Weaver,” Janet greeted her formally with a comfortable smile. “Well, this is quite the surprise isn’t it?” It was the first time they’d seen each other since Janet had released Kerry that morning a week before, and she looked around Kerry’s new office. “I can’t tell you how relieved I am to not be reporting to Romano anymore.”

Janet sat in the chair as she watched Kerry cross the room stiffly, pouring herself a glass of water from the carafe that sat on a high wooden table by her office door.

“My life has been chock full of surprises lately - water?” She offered, and Coburn passed with a wave of her hand. Kerry took a sip before making her way back toward the desk. “I hope you don’t mind but I just cannot sit anymore right now.” She leaned slightly against the wall behind her after setting her water down and grabbing her notes she had prepared to discuss the Obstetrics department.

“How long has your hip been bothering you?” Coburn’s question was met with a furrowed brow from the redhead.

“Janet, you are not here as my doctor, feel free to take that hat off for the next sixty minutes.” Kerry was always skilled at dodging personal questions. Janet surrendered with raised hands and they began a detailed discussion of her department - one Kerry had had more experience with as of late than she would have preferred. Kerry had always appreciated Janet Coburn as a colleague, though they occasionally butted heads - though who hadn’t Kerry butted heads with over the years? Janet was smart and passionate and confident, qualities Kerry admired and respected immensely, especially in women within a male dominated profession.

As Janet gathered her notes and additional proposals Kerry had typed and copied for her, she watched slyly as Kerry moved around the desk to walk her out.

“Can I put my doctor hat back on now?” Janet asked as Kerry came flush beside her and they walked the few steps toward the closed door. Kerry only sighed in response, but did not refuse, and Janet took that as a go-ahead. “If you’re already starting to feel the effects of this pregnancy on your hip, we really should start discussing your options. You’re almost past your twelfth week, we could start looking at a hydrocortisone injection.” Though the door was closed the word  _ pregnancy _ set Kerry on edge. She didn’t want word getting out until she had established herself in her new position, needing her employees respect before subjecting herself to their doubt. And, she was still in her first trimester - though it had been the longest twelve weeks of her life - and she knew they certainly were not out of the woods yet. In all honesty, she would rather keep the pregnancy a secret until her baby was carried to term, if it were possible. She’d never known herself to be superstitious, but after losing her first baby after she told Susan too early and losing her second after filling her head with multifetal pregnancy reduction articles, the logical side of Kerry Weaver was slowly being smothered.

“You know, I don’t think that’s necessary quite yet. It flares when I sit still for too long, I just need a gram of acetaminophen and I’ll be fine in twenty minutes…” Kerry dismissed Janet’s concerns as she started to open the door but Janet pressed the door closed again.

“Acetaminophen might work now, but it’s only going to get worse, Kerry. You’re going to need to start making some changes or you’re going to end up bedridden and admitted long before you want to be.” Janet said seriously. Kerry looked down, setting her left hand on her hip as she debated her response. It was frustrating to be ambushed, and it was even more frustrating to be repeatedly reminded of her limitations. “It is not good for your baby if you are constantly in pain.” Janet added before Kerry could respond.

“I have an appointment with you on the 30th, let’s speak about this then.” With that, Kerry ended the conversation, opening the door and smiling with a nod, letting Janet know that was the most she was willing to hear today.

“Alright… I will see you then, Dr. Weaver.” Janet had had her share of difficult patients, but Kerry ought to win an award. She’d been glad when Kerry had decided to stay with her as a patient but moments like this were when she realized why Maynard had seemed so relieved when they’d spoken about it.

“When is my next meeting?” Kerry asked her secretary as she watched Coburn walk toward the elevator.

“That was your last one, Dr. Weaver,” he responded nervously, flipping hastily through his copy of her appointment book as if he’d missed something.

“Good - I don’t want to be bothered until 4.” Kerry dipped back into her office and closed the door behind her. She knew Janet was right and though she was glad that as her OB Janet wouldn’t be pushing pain medication like all of her other doctors had in the past, she knew that the changes Janet was talking about were physical ones - obvious ones. They’d spoken briefly about switching her cuff crutch out for two under arm crutches, but memories of her days in middle school post various hip treatments upon returning to the states haunted her quickly and she dismissed the idea. A maternity belt was one step she was willing to take, though the overall effect it would have on relieving the pain in her hip, they weren’t sure, and she was a while off from it being able to give any sort of benefit.

She’d avoid stairs. She’d avoid working traumas. She’d avoid strenuous activity. She’d exercise. She’d go to her chiropractor. Hell, maybe she’d even get that injection - she’d had them before, they worked for her in the past. But the risks to her baby were there.  _ What was I thinking going into this… _

Her pager alerted her that her presence was requested in the ER, and as much as she wanted to ignore it, she was Chief of Staff now, and every inch of this hospital was her responsibility. Begrudgingly, she opened the door back up and told her assistant she would return before end of day, clipping past him at a pace she hadn’t embraced for a while, and clicked the down button at the elevator impatiently.

  
  
  


The elevator doors opened to a flood of activity and Kerry weaved her way through the crowds of people.

“What’s going on?” She asked as she reached Frank at the front desk.

“Tour bus. Three of them, all taken down by the same bad oysters at The Falls.” The Falls Fish Bar gave their ER more business than any other restaurant in the city and Kerry was surprised they were still open.

“Who paged me?” She recognized the chaos but knew her staff were more than capable of handling a few cases of food poisoning themselves.

“That would be me,” Luka came up behind her, x-rays in hand, and she joined him in his strides across the floor toward the trauma rooms. “I wanted to know,” he stopped suddenly when they reached an empty stretch of hallway, “how long you are planning on having Romano down here.”

Kerry was taken aback, shifting gears from thinking she was about to join him in a trauma, “What- What makes you think it’s not permanent?”

“Kerry, you cannot be serious? He has no idea what he is doing down here, he has absolutely no experience in emergency medicine, and he has made our lives a living hell all week. Do you know he converted Exam 2 into an office?” Kerry turned then and got as good of a look as she could across the crowded hall, and sure enough all the blinds were pulled. If Kerry could work without an office, so could Romano, and Kerry knew it was solely a power play on his part.

“Look, give it some time. Things were difficult when I took over, too, but everyone got used to it eventually.”

“I thought Gallant was going to punch him this morning-  _ Gallant _ ! That’s how infuriating he has been.” Luka started before Kerry cut him off.

“Luka - deal with it. He’s difficult, sure. But you are all capable doctors and I have complete faith that you will not let this department fall apart because you cannot get along with Romano. Work around him if you have to, but make it work.” Luka obviously did not get the answer he was looking for and turned away exasperatedly, turning down the hall toward the x-ray board outside Exam 3. Kerry pursed her lips and looked around for a moment, debating whether she was going to venture her way into Exam 2 now and kick Romano out of his “office” or if she would take a moment’s solace and escape into the familiar lounge. She opted for the second choice, after considering the fact that she had been speaking non-stop all day, and she wasn’t exactly up for another Romano confrontation quite yet.

The lounge was dark when she walked in, but it was a rather dreary day outside to begin with. Kerry almost didn’t notice Susan sitting on the couch, leaning her head back with her eyes closed, until she’d lowered herself into a chair at the table across the room. The cuff of her crutch clicked as it flipped over when she slid her arm out and the subtle noise was enough to prompt Susan to open her eyes.

“Oh, hi.” Susan said somewhat sheepishly, sitting up and rubbing her eyes. “God, I thought if I saw one more person throw up today I was going to lose it.”

“Did you sic a resident on ‘em?” Kerry grinned, lightly massaging her left hip.

“And my resident promptly passed them off to a med student. Poor Michael.” They laughed quietly, both not wanting to disturb the sanctuary that was the lounge in contrast to the chaos beyond its doors. When they settled into a comfortable silence, Susan spoke up again. “I was worried about you, last week when you were out. Are you doing okay?”

Kerry was surprised to hear Susan had thought about her at all, and couldn’t help but show it on her face as her eyes widened and her eyebrows raised. 

“What?” Susan laughed incredulously.

“Nothing, nothing,” Kerry shook her head. “I’m fine. Thank you.”

Susan nodded. “And…” Her curiosity outweighed her desire to not have a repeat performance of one of the worst conversations she’d ever had in the lounge.

“We’re good.” Kerry tightly smiled, trying to answer the unasked question in the most succinct, discreet way she could. Susan never knew there were twins. She didn’t need to know. At her confirmation, Susan’s eyes brightened, and Kerry was surprised to notice she almost seemed to breathe a little deeper. “I didn’t realize my life had become such an important topic of conversation around here…” She said offhandedly, the subtle bite in her tone one Susan recognized from years of experience.

Susan seemed to stiffen slightly, “Kerry....” she started, trying to formulate a response as she figured out exactly why the thrown away comment had rubbed her the wrong way. “I don’t really know what’s so wrong with your friends and coworkers thinking of you…”

“Oh, Susan, no - I didn’t… It’s just new to me.” She backpedaled, suddenly hearing her tone back as Susan sat up straighter on the couch.

“What? Being asked personal questions?”

“Being thought of.” Kerry answered bluntly, honestly. “Being regarded as a human being with a life, and a heart, and feelings.”

“Well, you’ve never exactly been forthcoming with those parts of yourself…” Susan responded pointedly; they both knew they were walking a thin line between comfortable and offensive and they each took care as they continued.

“It’s not easy to be forthcoming with yourself when no one is there to receive you,” Kerry made brief eye contact with Susan before looking down. “Look, I’m not sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I know I’m not the easiest person to work with - or for. But… you don’t make a lot of friends when you’re in charge. Or, more accurately, you lose a lot of friends when you’re in charge.” Kerry shook her head, then catching and holding her eye contact with Susan as she fidgeted with the cuff of her blazer. “I got tired of losing friends.”

Susan nodded, leaning forward with her elbows on her knees and her chin in her hands. “I guess I didn’t make your life very easy back then, did I?”

Kerry scoffed, flashing a smile in Susan’s direction, who returned it. “I seem to remember coming down pretty hard on you.”

“Often.” Susan added for emphasis.

“Yeah, well, I was impressed and I wanted to push you.” Kerry rose, crossing to the coffee machine and pouring herself a cup of decaf in her mug that still had real estate front and center in the cabinet. “Or I was competitive and I wanted to beat you down a few pegs. Take your pick.”

“I’m sure it was a little of both from both sides.” Susan chuckled.

They were both closer to issuing apologies than they had ever been before - they each could practically taste it on the tips of their tongues. Years had certainly made them wiser, but they each still clung to that last layer of protection and swallowed back the temptation to finally say  _ ‘I’m sorry.’ _ Susan stood from the couch and turned to the lounge door.

“I guess I should get back out there before they send out a search party,” she said somewhat awkwardly, knowing full well she was skirting out before Kerry could be the bigger person.

Kerry only smiled, raising her mug in Susan’s direction as a farewell; she had no intention of being the bigger person.

The dodged opportunity for closure after so many years made the air in the room stifling and Kerry was turned off from her coffee, dumping it in the sink and rinsing her cup out. She thought briefly of bringing her mug up to her office; she was getting a coffee machine brought in the next morning, she could certainly use it. But then she looked at the shelf just at her eye level - the spot where her cup normally sat, empty. There was Carter’s UPenn mug, Abby’s simple blue ceramic one, Kovac’s mug she was certain he’d swiped from a conference room upstairs years ago. She wasn’t quite ready to erase all traces of herself from the ER just yet. Kerry toweled her mug dry and placed it carefully in it’s rightful spot.

  
  
  


Kerry was making good time on her way home - or so she thought before various delays on the El turned her fifteen minute commute into nearly an hour and it was all she could do to keep from dozing on the train. She knew more than a few times her head had dipped and shot back up as she struggled to stay awake until she finally rose out of the seat and stood the rest of the trip home. The last thing she needed to add to the chaotic hell that was her year was to get robbed on the El because she’d fallen asleep.

She held tightly against the metal rail as the train lurched to a stop and the brisk March air was a wakening slap as the doors opened and she exited to the platform. Before long she was unlocking her front door and entering her darkened apartment. It was nearly 10 and she knew Sandy was home and most likely already in bed. Kerry slipped her coat and shoes off, dropping her briefcase beside the door before crossing into their bedroom. Sure enough, Sandy was cuddled beneath the blankets and it was all Kerry could do to keep from snuggling right up beside her, clothes and all.

After she’d brushed her teeth, washed her face, and taken a considerable amount of time staring at her reflection in the full length mirror behind their closet door - she still could not believe the way her body had already changed so much - she finally slipped under the heavy covers beside her wife, stretching her hip momentarily before snuggling up to Sandy and wrapping an arm around her.

“Mhhhh,” Sandy moaned, rolling to face Kerry.

“Long time no see,” Kerry whispered, running her hand up and down along Sandy’s back. “How was dinner with your parents?” Their schedules would eventually be much more forgiving to their relationship thanks to Kerry’s new job, but Kerry had gone into work Saturday evening briefly to meet with Anspaugh and discuss what had happened over the course of the week, and Sandy was going to stop in for dinner with her family before heading off for the night shift at the station and they had not seen each other (awake) since.

“I didn’t go,” Sandy mumbled, half asleep, but practically purring under Kerry’s hand until it stilled at her response.

“Why not?” Kerry knew their relationship was putting a strain on Sandy’s relationship with her family, and she also knew Sandy blowing them off would not be winning her any points with Florina.

“Talk in the morning, Ker,” Sandy tossed to the side, turning her back toward Kerry. “Sleep.”

No longer able to fight her exhaustion, Kerry abandoned her inquiry and followed Sandy’s lead, spooning her and nuzzling her face into the back of Sandy’s neck, quickly falling deeply asleep as the stresses of the day and family drama melted off of her as she melted into Sandy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's very interesting writing a fic set in season 10 when it is one of my least favorite seasons of the show. The later seasons bore me simply because Kerry isn't often much more than a featured extra (unless they are doing something TRAGIC with her), and it is such a waste of such an incredible character. So many missed opportunities with her. So I'm trying to lean into that and write some scenes we missed out on, but at the same time I keep having to scroll through the episodes because I have no idea what is happening with anyone else. 
> 
> I am having so much fun writing this story and exploring Kerry's relationship with Sandy and Abby and Susan (and the men, but they are less important, right now anyway haha). I just typed three different sentences and then deleted all of them because I don't want to even hint at anything I have coming up. You'll just have to wait and see. :)
> 
> Thank you again for all of your lovely notes in the last chapter!! You are all absolute angels and I'm so appreciative of you letting me know your thoughts! Until next time!


	12. A Little Piece of Him

For the first time in months, Kerry awoke to a gentle breeze floating through her bedroom window. April had been kind to Chicago thus far and Kerry relished in the quiet, peaceful state between sleeping and waking up. Her morning sickness had mostly abated, her hip - though still more uncomfortable than usual - was beginning to get used to the steady increase in weight, and work, by some miracle, had not spiralled into a complete disaster as they all adjusted to the new roles in administration.

Kerry stretched under the covers, rolling off of her side and onto her back, and she sunk deeper into the down feather pillows behind her. Grudgingly, she turned and checked the time on her alarm clock: 7am - she’d always been an early riser, but the pregnancy was certainly increasing her love for a few extra hours of sleep. As she oriented herself with the time and day, it started to sink in exactly what day this was.

Today marked her 14th week and 3rd day of pregnancy. The very day she had lost their first one. She’d been dreading the date since she’d discovered she was pregnant again. The bliss of her semiconscious state was certainly wearing off as the new flood of emotions passed through her. The emotion that surprised her the most, however, was how guilty she felt. She felt guilty to be moving on from her first baby, as if she was replacing him as one would replace a goldfish. Logically she knew that was not at all what was happening and it was unfair to judge herself like that, but logic didn’t seem to rule Kerry’s brain the way it used to.

She and Sandy had discussed how they wanted to handle this day, and settled on having a nice dinner at home and honoring the little soul they never got the chance to meet. Kerry had strangely been craving duck for nearly a week now and Sandy was happy to provide. They’d worked in the kitchen in tandem the night before, seasoning and preparing the duck, and Kerry’s mouth watered at the idea of the dinner they had waiting for them. They’d throw the duck in the oven, light a few candles, utilize their dining room for the first time in a while, and, if they were still feeling up to it when the time came, they were going to venture into the nursery.

Kerry wasn’t sure about that last part of their plan, but trusted Sandy to follow her lead if need be. They needed to go in sooner or later and to treat it like a celebration instead of a tragedy seemed to be the only way they would be able to. They’d celebrate their first born, how he changed them as people, made them mothers in a way. Kerry knew she needed to acknowledge what they had lost in order to be able to fully embrace what they were gaining.

With a final stretch, Kerry pulled the sheets off of herself and sat up slowly, relishing in the lack of nausea or dizziness as she moved further into the beginning of her second trimester. She’d even go as far as to say she was  _ hungry _ . She stood and crossed the room, grabbing her bathrobe off the back of the door and securing her arm in her crutch before venturing further into the house. 

She could hear the news in the living room and already smelt coffee coming from the kitchen. She pushed the door open and the first thing she saw was Sandy’s hair tied up into a big messy bun on the back of her head. Kerry loved Sandy’s curls, all at once unruly and refined. She’d always been jealous of women with thick hair as hers was fine and thin, but she enjoyed playing with Sandy’s all the more because it was so different from her own. She loved burying her face in it, breathing in the scent that was truly specific to Sandy - the scent was hard to articulate, but always reminded Kerry of a warm summer day in the middle of an open field; it reminded her of the summers of her childhood, the freedom that came with no school and her parents busy at the church. With a touch of cinnamon. That was what Sandy smelled like.

Sandy heard the door open and turned to face Kerry, a small smile creeping on her lips as she murmured “‘morning.”

Kerry reciprocated the smile, coming to stand the side of her wife - who was busy tending to fried eggs on the stove - and slipped an arm around her waist, kissing her briefly on the cheek before moving to the thermos of coffee. Sandy always made Kerry’s decaf first and placed it into a thermos to keep it hot while her own fully caffeinated brewed in the pot. Kerry poured her coffee into a mug, adding milk and sugar before crossing to the stools and pulling the morning paper in front of her.

“Are you up for eggs this morning?” Sandy asked over her shoulder as she pushed two over-hard eggs to join two buttered pieces of toast on a plate.

“I think so,” Kerry practically beamed - she loved being able to eat again.

“Over-hard, just the way Baby likes ‘em.” Sandy moved the plate in front of Kerry, then turned to pour her a glass of apple juice. Kerry hadn’t always been an over-hard sort of egg eater, but during her first pregnancy, they realized quickly that runny yolks could easily turn Kerry’s stomach, no matter how well she was feeling.

“Thank you,” Kerry dug in immediately and Sandy turned back toward the stove, cracking two new eggs into the pan. “I should be able to get home by 6 tonight, I have a meeting with Alderman Bright at 3 but should be able to head out quickly after that.” Kerry flipped the page of the newspaper she was scanning, looking specifically for the article about Alderman Bright’s fall and subsequent ER visit the week before that had been highlighted on the front page.

Sandy finished cooking her eggs - harder than she enjoyed but aware that Kerry’s mere proximity to runny yolks could end their breakfast early - and took her seat beside Kerry, pulling the sports section of the paper out from under the stack Kerry held.

They sat in comfortable silence, each reading their paper, the sounds of chewing and forks against their plates filling the room, accompanied by the faint sound of the news in the background. These mornings were a lot different than the ones Kerry used to have when she lived alone - up before the sun, the noise of her stereo in competition only with her blender. Sandy was not quite the same sort of morning person and compromises were made, but Kerry couldn’t help but prefer her new normal.

  
  
  


Kerry fussed with her suit jacket, unbuttoning and then re-buttoning it as she examined herself in the ER’s ladies room mirror. Lately she had been getting away with leaving her shirts untucked, and that did enough to hide her belly as it grew, but that would not be appropriate during her meeting with Alderman Bright. She’d gone out and purchased a few suit jackets that were a bit more frilly than her usual taste, but the frills did wonders to distract and hide exactly where and what they needed to. She opted on leaving it unbuttoned, her black shirt beneath hiding what the blazer did not.

She could not wait to be able to just tell everyone - all of this hiding and strategic dressing was getting old fast. Today was  _ not _ going to be the day, but soon. With each passing day she felt less like she was walking a tightrope - she had almost allowed herself to believe that she could make it through this pregnancy, that at the end of all of the chaos and stress there would be a little baby - a baby for them to raise and love and watch grow. She wasn’t sure when she would be able to entirely allow herself to lean into that idea, but she felt closer now than she ever had before.  _ Ironic, considering the day… _

The door opened behind her and her eyes found Elizabeth Corday through the mirror. She nodded politely, and Elizabeth did the same, before the English woman entered one of the stalls, closing the stall door behind her. Kerry turned on the water to wash her hands - and give Elizabeth privacy - before she pulled a few paper towels from the dispenser and threaded her arm back through the cuff of her crutch.

She still wasn’t sure where her relationship with Corday was these days. They’d butted heads a few times in traumas over the past few years, but were able to have pleasant conversations on occasion. Kerry knew Elizabeth harbored resentment for the way she had handled Mark’s competency review, and although Kerry had hated to do it, she still believed she was in the right to have done it. She had gone to Mark first, and then to Elizabeth, and they had both blown her off. As the Chief of the ER, not only would any malpractice ultimately fall on her head, but she felt it was her responsibility to make sure Mark, as one of her attendings and as one of her friends, was taking care of himself. She was doing what was best for all involved. She wished Elizabeth could have seen that before she’d all but wished death on her. And while Elizabeth couldn’t move past what Kerry had done, Kerry had a hard time forgetting what Elizabeth had said.

Just as Kerry was debating whether or not she was going to wait and exchange any pleasantries with Corday, shouting from the hallway grabbed her attention and she bounded out of the bathroom to find the source of the noise.

A large Black man was shoved forcibly against the wall beside Trauma Two by an even larger white man, who quickly wound his arm back and landed a strong punch right on the Black man’s nose.

“Security!” Kerry yelled down the hallway as she stormed toward the two men. “Break it up! Hey!” She yelled to gain their attention, whacking her crutch against the metal supplies cart, but her commands were lost in the roar of violence. The Black man shoved the other man off of him just as the white man wound his arm back for another punch, and as his arms flew out in an attempt to keep his balance, his elbow collided squarely into the loud but small redhead’s face.

Kerry reeled back from the impact, tiny yellow spots clouding her vision momentarily as she swayed on her feet, until she felt two strong hands on her arms steadying her.

“Kerry, are you alright?” Kerry’s sight didn’t need to clear for her to realize Elizabeth had followed her out of the bathroom and was now keeping her upright. She had a sudden déjà vu to the last time she’d been foolish enough to try to break up a fight in this hallway, though Elizabeth’s late husband had been the one to keep her from falling to the ground that time.

Malik, Luka, and some of the security staff were soon there breaking up the fight and Kerry shook herself out of Elizabeth’s grasp.

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine.” She rubbed her face with her left hand until she brushed her fingers against her right cheekbone and winced. Elizabeth came around to inspect, palpating around Kerry’s eye as she spoke.

“I don’t feel any fractures... but you should get some ice on that. It’s going to smart, no doubt.” 

“I’m not even on down here today,” Kerry grumbled as she moved back toward the bathroom to assess the damage in the mirror, and she was surprised when Elizabeth followed her in. She leaned over the sink, squinting and palpating her cheek with her own fingers, the large red welt harsh against her fair skin.

“Oh?” Elizabeth prompted, leaning up against the sink beside her.

“Alderman Bright is meeting me at admit - I’m supposed to take him on a tour of the hospital before we go over my budget plans for the upcoming year.” She shook her hair out, seeing exactly how much would naturally fall over the bruise on her cheek. Not much. “I’m not sure how great an impression this is going to make.”

“It’s not that bad,” Elizabeth assured her until Kerry turned to face her, Elizabeth getting a full view of the fresh wound. “Okay, it’s not pretty. Get some ice on it and the swelling should go down.” Elizabeth pushed herself away from the sinks and gestured to the hallway, holding the door open for Kerry. “What is it about fights between large men that is so tempting for you?” Elizabeth chuckled as they walked down the hallway toward the lounge.

Kerry couldn’t help but laugh at herself, covering her eyes briefly with her free hand and shaking her head. “I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“I don’t know why I’m surprised, though, after watching the way you jumped in there with Peter a few years ago.” Elizabeth alluded to the very moment Kerry had remembered earlier.

“A lot of good I did then,” she knew that she was a lot bigger internally than she was externally and that did not always pan out well for her when trying to referee situations like today, or the fight between Peter and Malucci, but in the moment, she never thought of that. She never had a moment of fear - she always knew she could hold her own. Though, perhaps while pregnant, she might readjust that thought process, or at least take another few moments of consideration before jumping between thrown fists.

“Abby, could you grab Dr. Weaver a cold compress for her face?” Elizabeth asked as they passed her in the hall, Elizabeth beginning to part ways and head toward the elevator. “Try not to get into any more fist fights today, Kerry, at least not until after your meeting with the Alderman!” She quickly made her exit, jumping onto an elevator just as the doors closed.

“What happened to your face?” Abby asked curiously, coming up flush beside Kerry as they continued to cross the ER.

“Nothing,” Kerry dismissed her, not slowing down.

“Kerry!” Romano barked from behind the admit desk, “I saw you jump in the ring back there. What’s the damage?”

“It’s nothing Robert, I’m fine.” She finally stopped, turning in his direction.

“Wow - gotta work on your bob and weave, apparently. What time is the Alderman coming in today for you to kiss his ass?” He asked, looking down at his watch.

Kerry looked down at hers as well - “He’s due in ten minutes.”

“Well that’s not enough time to make you presentable, and we can’t have you meeting with him looking like a battered woman.” Romano came around the desk, ushering Kerry in the direction of the lounge with a hand mere inches away from the small of her back. “Why don’t you go and do... I don’t know, something else, where no one can see you, and I will take the Alderman on his tour.”

Kerry looked at him suspiciously as he pushed her through the double doors and walked with her to the lounge.

“Why?” She finally stopped him, turning in his direction and putting a hand on her hip. He was up to something.

“Because you look like you are beaten by your butch firefighter girlfriend and that is going to make a lousy impression with the Alderman.” If Kerry didn’t know any better she would have thought he had staged the fight in the hallway, planning the events to unfold in the way that they did. She narrowed her eyes at him, but he didn’t sway. She had cleared her entire day for this meeting, and if she wasn’t going to have it, that meant she could feasibly take the rest of the day off. That was tempting…

“Fine. But you better not screw this up for us, Robert. We need him to vote in support of our budget for the year. I want you to be on your best behavior.” She punctuated her point with a finger in his face and he held his ground, not budging an inch.

“Hey, who gave him all-star care when he was in here last week, huh? It wasn’t you.” He smirked, and then continued, opening the lounge door for her and gesturing inside. “You have my word. Would I do any less for you, Kerry?” And then he was gone. Though it may not have been the smartest move she’d ever made, she now had the rest of the day to herself and could head home and spend it with her wife. This cursed day was, in some ways, living up to her expectations. But, entirely salvageable, she thought as she opened her locker and collected her jacket and purse.

  
  
  


Kerry arrived home a little after 3, having stopped on her way to grab a bottle of Sandy’s favorite cabernet and a bouquet of roses. If they were going to treat themselves, they were going to do it right. She unlocked the door and pushed it open with her hip, then picked the flowers and wine up off of the table in the hallway, tucking the bottle under her arm and holding the flowers in her left hand before moving into her apartment.

She could hear the television on in their bedroom and set the wine down on the table by their front door and slipped out of her jacket but brought the roses with her to the bedroom.

“Sandy?” She called in before opening the door a crack.

“Kerry?” Sandy sat up from where she had been lazing in bed, her chestnut hair loose on her shoulders, “What are you doing home already?”

“You can’t get mad at me, because I brought you flowers.” Kerry reasoned illogically, still hidden behind the door until she finished speaking, then slowly pushed it open and walked into the bedroom.

“What did you  _ do _ ?” Sandy scoffed, though she couldn’t decide if she was laughing at or admonishing her.

“I got you flowers.” Kerry held them out to her as she crossed to their bed, her expression stoic.

“To your  _ face _ , Kerry.” Sandy shook her head, sitting up on her knees to get a closer look.

“It comes with the territory of working in the ER.” She shrugged nonchalantly, tossing the flowers beside Sandy on the bed and moving into their bathroom.

“One of your residents finally have enough?” Sandy snickered, joining her. Kerry poked the bruise again, assessing exactly how sore it was before picking up some makeup and attempting to cover it. “Or did you finally push Susan Lewis to her breaking point?” Sandy had heard the stories.

“No and no,” Kerry winced as she blended the makeup over her cheekbone. “I got a little too close to a fight I was trying to put an end to, that’s all.” She shook her head at the ridiculousness of the situation and then turned to Sandy, who wasn’t laughing anymore.

“You really can’t keep doing shit like that, Kerry.”

Kerry was taken aback by the sudden shift in attitude and raised her hands defensively, “I know, I know. I promise, I will take a step back from my job as head of security, though it will be difficult for me. You know how I like to bring down punks with my crutch.” She tried to lighten Sandy back up, lifting her crutch and poking Sandy in the stomach with it’s rubber tip.

“You better… you’ve got precious cargo in there.” Kerry’s attempt had obviously worked and Sandy crossed to her, wrapping her arms around her from behind and looking into her eyes through the mirror. Sandy’s hands caressed Kerry’s stomach. “As soon as our package is delivered, you are welcome to get into as many fights as you would like. You can even make up for lost time if you need to.”

“Thank you.” Kerry mouthed through a smile, chuckling at the thought.

“Thank  _ you _ for my flowers.” Sandy kissed her cheek before moving off of her, shutting the lid of the toilet and taking a seat as Kerry finished touching up her makeup. “So… have you given any more thought to tonight?”

“Tonight?” Kerry brushed some powder over her cheeks to set the cover up.

“The nursery,” Sandy spoke delicately. “Do you want to start looking at stuff for it tonight?”

Kerry tapped her fingertips on the counter in front of her, a soft smile on her face as she looked at Sandy through the mirror. “How do you feel about it?”

Sandy took a moment to consider her words, pursing her lips. “I think it’s time.” She nodded.

“You’re right,” Kerry replied tightly. “I think it is.” Sandy reached her arm toward Kerry and stroked her back lightly. “We’ve been so silly about that damn room.”

Sandy chuckled, “I don’t know… but I’m ready to get back in there.”

Kerry turned to Sandy, taking one step to stand in front of her, then reached down, lifting her face up to give her a kiss. She let her lips linger on Sandy’s a few moments longer before slowly pulling away.

“Let’s get that duck in the oven, because Baby and I have been waiting for over a week and we want it  _ now _ .” Kerry whispered in such a comically seductive manor that Sandy laughed until she snorted, rising and following Kerry out of the bathroom.

  
  
  


Two hours later, soft music played throughout the apartment and the smell of the orange-roasted duck wafted through the air. The roses sat in a thin glass vase in the center of their under-used dining room table, the details etched into the glass highlighted from the flickering candles on either side. Sandy couldn’t help the smirk that overtook her face as she watched her wife scarf down her dinner.

Kerry, finally giving in to the feeling of being watched, looked up. “What?” She asked around a mouthful of squash.

“You’re cute.” Sandy chuckled, taking extra enjoyment in her ability to make her wife blush after all these years with such a simple comment.

“I’m hungry.” Kerry corrected, taking another large bite. “This kid is going to make me very fat.”

“Kerry, that’s called pregnant, not fat,” Sandy took a sip of her wine that Kerry was slightly jealous of.

“I’m going to have to tell everyone at work soon because I’m pretty sure Robert has started a collection to send me off to a fat camp,” Romano had found a way to bring up her weight almost every day since she’d gone back to work and if she really had just been gaining weight she would have lost her temper on him more than once, but as it was, she was trying to keep the scrutiny off of herself and didn’t need to fuel the rumor mill by giving it any more attention than necessary.

“I told Markus at work yesterday-” Sandy winced in anticipation of a verbal thrashing, but defended herself before anything could come. “He caught me looking at the sonogram. He thought  _ I _ was pregnant, I needed to correct him before that started getting around.”

Any argument Kerry had in her was lost half way through that sentence.

“You were looking at the sonogram?” Kerry’s eyes were lit from within; the thought of her wife fantasizing about their baby sent warmth through her entire body.

“Yeah, the one from last week. I keep it in my locker. Sometimes I just like to look at it. You can already tell she has your nose.” Sandy pushed around some white meat on her plate, letting it soak in the juices from the rub.

“You can  _ not _ ,” Kerry teased, “maybe she has  _ your _ nose.”

Sandy chuckled at the joke - they’d chosen a Latino sperm donor, but didn’t know much more about what he’d looked like than that. Brown hair, 5’10”, active. They’d chosen someone much taller than both of them to give their baby a fighting chance at a decent height - but other than that, they’d done their best to match as many of Sandy’s features as they were able to. While they obviously couldn’t actually have a baby that was truly half of each of them, they did what they could.

“When do you want to tell your parents?” Kerry asked suddenly, pulling Sandy out of her thoughts.

“Do we have to?” She snipped with a scoff, taking another sip of her wine.

“ _ Sandy _ ,” Kerry started.

“Why? I mean… Why tell them? They think we’re perverts, why do we want to subject our kid to that?”

“They’re your parents, San,” Kerry pushed around her food with her fork; she surely didn’t get the warmest feelings from Sandy’s parents but wished more than anything that her own parents were still around. She didn’t want Sandy to have any regrets when hers were gone too. “This is their grandchild. Don’t you want them to have a relationship with her?”

“Have we officially decided that the baby is a girl?” Sandy tried desperately to deflect from the current direction of the conversation.

“Sandy, I know it’s difficult, I know your relationship with your parents isn’t exactly what you want it to be, but maybe if we treat this like any other pregnancy - like we were any other regular couple - maybe they’ll start to treat us like that too? But if we don’t, if we don’t tell them because  _ I’m _ the one carrying the baby, then we’re giving them permission to treat us like we aren’t a real family. I don’t like it any more than you do, but I think… I think it’s our responsibility, as mothers, to announce our child like any heterosexual couple would.” Kerry had been thinking about this since they first started trying to grow their family. She hoped that her parents would have been more accepting than Sandy’s, but even if they weren’t, she hoped that she would feel the same way as she did now. They owed it to their child to be proud of the family they were creating together. It was the very sentiment Sandy herself had taught her in the middle of her ER.

Sandy didn’t speak for a few minutes, the clinking of her fork against her plate the only sound in the room. Kerry gave up waiting for a response and went back to her meal. They ate in silence for a while, letting Kerry’s impassioned words settle into their bodies. 

“When are you going to tell your staff?” Sandy finally spoke as she finished her own serving of squash.

Kerry pursed her lips, thinking. “I don’t know… I think I might have one more week before hiding it becomes impossible. I suppose I should start working on the memo.” The idea of announcing her pregnancy to anyone, let alone her entire staff, was terrifying. It was still so unsure - it was still high risk. The idea that she could tell everyone and then something could happen… she didn’t want to think about it, but the possibility was enough to quicken her heart rate when she did.

“A memo? Doesn’t that seem kinda impersonal?” Sandy raised an eyebrow.

“Sandy, I’m not having  _ their _ baby.” Though maybe Sandy was right, at least for the team she was closest to, maybe she should tell them in person. 

“We’ll tell my parents after that.” She spoke quietly then, looking down into her wine glass. “Get that out of the way first. Then we’ll worry about them.”

Kerry knew how hard it was for Sandy, and silently willed her to look up from her wine glass. When Sandy’s eyes did flick upward, Kerry met her with a small, comforting smile.

“I hope you’re not expecting them to be cool about it…” Sandy warned her, unnecessarily. “I mean, maybe they’ll surprise us, but… I just don’t see it going well.”

“Well like you said, maybe they’ll surprise us.” For Sandy’s sake, she hoped they did.

After taking the last bite of food off of her plate, Sandy pushed it away from herself and leaned back. Kerry had been finished for a few minutes and watched Sandy take another sip of wine, looking forward to her next opportunity for a kiss (and subsequently, to taste the fruity cabernet sauvignon).

“I’m stuffed.” Sandy rose and Kerry threw her napkin onto her own plate, signaling that she was also done. Sandy collected their plates, bringing them into the kitchen. Kerry stood as well, topping off Sandy’s glass of wine at the table and bringing her own glass into the kitchen to refill it with her sparkling cider. As Kerry pushed the cork back into the cider bottle, Sandy wrapped her arm around Kerry’s waist, leaning into her. “You ready to go in?”

Taking one last steadying breath, Kerry nodded. That room had been such a blatant reminder of so much pain for so many months, and the longer she stayed out of it, the more of a  _ thing _ it became. She knew she had created this monster in her mind, but it didn’t make confronting it any easier. Kerry set her glass down on the counter and reciprocated the sideways hug she was getting from Sandy before they released each other and Kerry slipped her left hand into Sandy’s right and they walked to the nursery door. 

They took a moment, standing outside the door. Kerry said a silent prayer for their son, and another one for their second baby in Heaven. Kerry’s hand traveled down to her stomach, saying one last prayer before reaching forward and opening the door.

And the world didn’t end. Their lives didn’t cease. The baby within her was still there.

They were all going to be okay.

Kerry stepped into the room she had not been inside for over a year. The paint on the walls still looked fresh. There were boxes of books and files on the floor that had been pulled off of the shelves on the desk, but there were no signs that this was meant to be a nursery. They hadn’t gotten farther than painting.

Kerry felt a hand on her back, rubbing in circles.

“You okay?” Sandy checked in. She’d been in the room to retrieve the occasional book or file that Kerry needed, but she knew what Kerry’s mind had worked this room up to mean.

“Yeah,” she whispered, moving further into the room, “I guess I thought it would be harder than this.”

“I can get these boxes out of here this week - maybe set the books up on the shelves in the hallway? I think there’s room.” Sandy leafed through the boxes, pulling out the occasional book that caught her eye, though most - if not all - of the books were Kerry’s.

“You did a nice job with the walls.” Kerry smiled, looking at the neutral color they had chosen. She’d teased her on the day, but she knew deep down that Sandy really had been nesting. They’d both been getting ready for their baby, in little ways. And here they were, a year later, closer than they had ever been before.

“You know, I think we still have…” Sandy’s voice trailed off as she kneeled down, obviously searching for something within one of the boxes. “Yeah here it is - these were the wallpapers we were looking at.” She stood and moved beside Kerry, flipping through the book so they both could see. It fell open to a page that had been earmarked. “You liked this one, right? With the trains?”

Kerry smiled, tracing a finger over the image of the toy trains. “I think it’d be nice,” she said softly. Sandy looked up then, away from the book. Her eyes searched Kerry’s face, trying to read what the redhead was thinking. Sandy’s approach to the entire thing had been to solve what she could - she could paint, she could wallpaper, she could shuffle around the boxes, but she knew that that wasn’t going to magically fix everything, make it any easier. Kerry looked up, her eyes locking with Sandy’s. “It was going to be his wallpaper… it will be nice to have a little piece of him in here.”

Sandy never knew that such an innocent sentence could feel like such a punch to her gut, completely taking her by surprise. She practically gasped, masking it with a half hearted cough, turning away and wiping the instantaneous tears out of her eyes. “Yeah - that’s a good idea.”

Kerry pretended not to notice Sandy’s break in composure, but reached out her hand and touched her arm gently. Sandy still kept her back to Kerry, trying to pull herself together before she suddenly remembered something, pulling herself away from Kerry’s reach and leaving the nursery.

“Sandy? Are you okay?” Kerry started after her.

“Yeah I’m good - hold on I’ll be right back.” She shouted over her shoulder and Kerry watched her run into their bedroom. Sandy was only gone for a few moments, and Kerry heard a drawer pulled open and then shut with slightly more force than was probably necessary, and before long Sandy returned to her side, wiping away the last of the few tears that had managed to sneak out.

“I meant to give it to you over dinner, but we got side tracked,” Sandy held up a long rectangular jewelry box, holding it out to Kerry, who was completely surprised by the gesture. “Just open it.” Sandy smiled impatiently. Kerry gingerly took the box and lifted the cover off. It was a silver necklace, with a simple pendant - a heart, when looked at straight on, but the pendant itself looped around the silver chair that thread through it. It was different than anything Kerry normally wore, which added to her excitement over it. 

“Sandy, it’s beautiful.” She lifted it out of the box as Sandy took the box away and tossed it to the side on the floor.

“I saw it the other day and I couldn’t help myself…” She hadn’t been sure if it was Kerry’s style, and she wasn’t a big jewelry person herself, but was relieved at the genuine expression on Kerry’s face. “Here, let me.” 

Sandy took the necklace from Kerry’s hand and stepped behind her, clasping the silver chain around her neck. No longer able to see it, Kerry’s hand found the pendant on her chest and touched it gently. Sandy rubbed Kerry’s shoulders briefly when the necklace was secure and Kerry turned to face her, grabbing Sandy’s face in her hands and taking Sandy’s lips in her own.

“It’s you and me, kid.” Sandy spoke as they parted, wrapping her arms around the redhead who melted into her embrace.

“It’ll be you, me,  _ and  _ a kid, soon enough.” Kerry laughed into her shoulder.

“Not soon enough.” Sandy shook her head. Her excitement grew with every passing day. “I can’t wait to be a mommy with you.”

“Don't listen to her, Baby,” Kerry pulled away from Sandy just enough to be able to look down between their embrace, speaking to her stomach. “You take all the time you need in there. You stay healthy and keep cooking, and we will see you in at least 24 weeks, and not a minute sooner.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't help myself with the hallway brawl - a youtube channel that uploads scenes from ER posted that scene from The Visit on the same day I was writing this and it just managed to make it's way into the chapter. A perfect out for Kerry to get her home with Sandy and another moment of realization for our lil redhead that she is not invincible. Though, at my job, I have also jumped between large men fighting when I shouldn't have, and can understand that P.O.V. We just don't have time for such foolishness, lack of size be damned!
> 
> I finished writing Chapter 13 today (it's a doozy) and am going to try to update weekly from now on, though I hope I have not cursed myself with that declaration. Thank you again everyone for leaving notes and letting me know your thoughts, and welcome to the new readers who have hopped on for the ride!


	13. All The Hard Work

Abby looked around the crowded lounge, grateful that she’d been able to snag one of the few seats before the rest of the ER staff had piled their way in. She was squished between Carter and Jing-Mei on the couch and watched in amusement as Randi kicked Jerry out of his seat at the table across the room. Pratt was in the back of the room, leaning against the wall, checking his watch. Abby could easily see Luka’s face above the row of nurses that each stood at least a foot below him.

“What do you think this is about?” Gallant asked from his half-seated position beside her on the arm of the couch.

“I have no idea,” Abby feigned ignorance, shrugging her shoulders. Kerry had pulled her aside the day before to both warn her that the meeting was coming and to ask how she thought she should approach the announcement. Abby, surprised that Kerry was coming to her for advice, had no real advice to offer. She suggested that Kerry just tell them as if they were her friends, because they were. Kerry quickly dismissed that idea, reminding Abby that she was the Chief of Staff now, and had to keep her personal life as separate from her professional life as she could, to which Abby laughed and reminded her that that was no different than before she was Chief of Staff and wondered why she asked her opinion in the first place.

John bumped his knee against hers, but held his eyeline across the room. Abby laughed silently, shaking her head, knowing it was killing John to know exactly what was going on without being able to tell everyone that he knew. His hands were wringing in his lap and Abby was relieved Weaver was finally making her announcement so she would no longer have to worry about John letting it slip before she did. In all honesty, Abby couldn’t believe that John had been able to keep the secret for over a month, but she knew his discretion ultimately boiled down to his respect for the older doctor. 

Finally, Kerry pushed the door to the lounge open and entered, stepping around Gallant, the clicking of her crutch against the floor silencing most voices by the time she reached the center. Abby noticed she was dressed less strategically than she had been lately - another detail Kerry had lamented about the day before - and Abby’s eyes couldn’t help landing on the swell of the Chief’s stomach as she readied herself to share her news.

“Thank you all for being on time this morning, I promise I will make this brief. I need to make somewhat of a personal announcement.” The promise of some sort of personal detail about the Chief silenced the remaining voices and Kerry looked out over her staff, each of their eyes focused on her as she spoke. “ I will send out a follow-up memo with this information attached, along with any important relevant dates, but before word got out I wanted to tell my staff myself…” Kerry couldn’t seem to hold eye contact with anyone and instead locked eyes with Carter’s nameplate on his locker across the room. “I am having a baby.”

“You’re  _ what _ !” Carter exclaimed a little too emphatically and a little too quickly, “oh  _ wow _ !”

Kerry immediately locked eyes with Abby, who just shook her head and looked to the floor, trying to hold back a laugh.

General surprised and excited murmurs filled the room, but Kerry stopped them before it got too out of hand. “Nothing will change down here; I will continue to work my normal shifts in the ER for the next twelve weeks, but we have plenty of coverage so it should not be a problem when I need to take a step back. I obviously will be avoiding x-rays and certain pathogens, and eventually will have to step back from traumas.” Kerry’s eyes were trained at the floor now, and as she spoke it made her realize all the more why she never spoke about personal issues at work. “This should not affect anyone’s schedule or work load. I just wanted to tell you all myself.” Kerry paused uncomfortably, shifting her weight onto her crutch. “That’s all. Go back to work.” She released them and heard snippets of conversations as the crowd dispersed. Kerry somewhat begrudgingly received hugs from Lydia, Lily, and Haleh as they congratulated her and moved into the hallway. Luka stopped on his way out, shaking her hand and giving her a pat on the back before going to run the board.

“I knew it,” Jing-Mei said smugly to no one in particular, rising and meeting Randi, as the latter stopped and pulled Kerry into a tight hug.

“Is it a boy or a girl? How far along are you?” Randi asked excitedly, very clearly trying to keep herself from touching Kerry’s stomach.

“Uh - only 16 weeks, so we don’t know yet.” Kerry was so obviously uncomfortable at the plethora of attention she was being showered and almost seemed to be folding in on herself. Chen said a quiet congratulations and soon was pulling the clerk out of the lounge by her arm.

Once the room was empty, save for Abby and Carter still sitting on the couch, Kerry crossed to them.

“So, you knew?” Kerry put her hand on her hip, looking down at Carter who’s eyes filled with brief panic.

“What? No, I didn’t - How would I? I didn’t know… you don’t even look preg- I mean, how could I-”

“Carter.” Kerry barked, pulling him out of his spiral, then softened her tone as she continued. “I don’t care if you knew. Thank you for not telling anyone.”

“Yeah,” he smiled up at her. “Of course. I’m really happy for you, Doctor Weaver.”

“Thank you, John. Now, don’t you have patients to see?” She gestured toward the door with her eyes and Carter took the hint, rising and bounding toward the door.

“Yes, of course. Congrats again, Kerry!” He smiled as he threw the door open and exited into the hallway. Kerry sat heavily beside Abby on the couch, in the spot that was just abandoned by Carter. She slipped her arm from her crutch and balanced it against the couch, then leaded back deeply into the cushions.

“That wasn’t so bad, was it?” Abby asked, elbowing Kerry lightly in jest.

“No…” though she sighed dramatically. “I’m just thinking about how I have to do this all over again tonight.” 

“Tonight?”

“We’re telling Sandy’s parents at dinner. Thought I’d get it all over with in one day, but now I’m not so sure I’ll make it till dinner.” Kerry’s eyes were heavy and she pinched at the bridge of her nose. Abby couldn’t tell if it was the pregnancy or the momentary display of vulnerability in front of her staff that had drained the older doctor of her energy, but Abby took advantage of the moment and patted Kerry’s arm in support. Just then, the door to the lounge was thrown open once again and Romano sauntered in.

“Looks like I missed the party,” he said casually, crossing to the coffee pot, his lack of remorse for missing the ER-wide meeting dripping from every syllable.

“You did.” Kerry sat up then, straightening out her suit jacket and threading her arm back through her crutch - her momentary respite obviously over - but made no move to rise off the couch.

“You’re done lecturing my staff a lot quicker than I thought you’d be - you should stick around and help out. I’ve got a kid with chicken pox in Exam 4 with your name on him.” Romano poured black coffee into his mug quickly, some spilling over the side as he did so, before turning around and facing the women on the couch and raising the mug to his lips.

Kerry chuckled, “I uh- actually shouldn’t take a chicken pox case, Robert.”

“Why? You become Chief of Staff and suddenly you’re the Queen?” 

“No, Robert, because I’m pregnant.” Her delivery was so deadpan Abby actually laughed out loud, turning her head away to mask what she could. Robert froze, narrowing his eyes at the redhead across from him.

“Oh.” He said eventually, setting his coffee down on the table. “I guess that explains why you’ve been ballooning, I thought you were going into heart failure.” Kerry rolled her eyes, hoping that that would be the last weight comment from Romano now that he knew the truth, though she knew it was perhaps wishful thinking. “Well, good luck to you and the little bastard.” And with that, Romano was gone as quickly as he came.

“You sure you can’t come back to being Chief down here?” Abby said rhetorically as they both stared at the door the current ER Chief had just vacated.

  
  
  


Kerry fiddled with her crutch nervously before propping it against the table and consciously pulling her hands away from it. The restaurant was crowded, but not overly loud, and just dark enough that Kerry didn’t feel nearly as over exposed as she had in the lounge earlier that morning. Kerry sat by herself while she waited for Sandy to walk her parents in the entrance. They’d made sure to arrive first, not only to allow their anxieties to settle before her parents arrived (Sandy with a beer and Kerry with good ol’ fashioned deep breathing) but also so the image of Kerry did not give them away before they had a chance to tell her parents themselves. She’d changed since work, and was starting to regret that choice. 

After her staff meeting, Kerry had retreated to her office to type up and send out the memo to the rest of the hospital staff, with Anspaugh’s assistance. Once that was completed, Kerry closed her laptop for the day and locked her office door not a minute after the clock struck 5. Sandy had met her at home, already pacing across their apartment in anticipation. She had been dreading this day all week, but Kerry assured her that if she could stand in front of her entire staff and tell them, they would be able to tell her parents together. As it neared the end of April, the weather was beginning to get warmer, and this particular day was no exception. After a brief deliberation on what they would wear, Sandy settled on a soft, grey cashmere sweater, relishing in the comfort the material brought her, and Kerry, soon to be “out” in a different type of way, decided she’d had enough of the baggy button downs and instead opted for a light blue cable knit sweater that hugged her tighter than all her clothes had in months. Sitting at the table now, she pulled the material away from her middle, stretching it out uncomfortably as she waited, her clothes suddenly feeling too tight.  _ Calm down _ , she told herself repeatedly, hoping that the repeated mantra would eventually seep in. 

She heard them then, Florina’s voice first, then the lower voice of her husband Guillermo, followed by the voice that settled all her nerves simultaneously. Kerry fussed with her scarf, pulling it to drape in front of her before she stood to greet her in-laws as they reached the table.

Florina nodded in her direction, Guillermo reached out and shook her hand, and Sandy took one last opportunity to rub her arm supportively before they all took their seats around the table.

“It’s great to see you both,” Kerry tried not to sound too desperate in her greeting, swallowing hard as the waiter poured them each a glass of water.

“I’m happy to be seeing my daughter at all, I don’t remember the last time you made it to a dinner.” Florina smiled only at Sandy, all but ignoring Kerry’s welcome.

_ Here we go, _ Sandy thought in frustration, but pushed down her rising anger and answered her mother as calmly as she could. “I know it’s been a while, but that’s kinda why we wanted to talk to you guys tonight.”

The waiter interrupted then, introducing himself and getting drink orders from each of them, giving Kerry and Sandy a moment to sort their thoughts. Kerry sat back slightly, knowing this was mostly between Sandy and her parents, but hoped Sandy knew she was there with her when she needed her. Some gentle small talk continued until they’d placed their food orders and the appetizers arrived. Sandy asked about her brothers and how they were, Florina asked about the few people she knew from the fire station and Guillermo, much to Kerry’s surprise, asked her how things were at the hospital, mentioning that he had seen the article about the Alderman’s visit to her ER.

Their waiter returned with their drinks - another Heineken for Sandy, a glass of Pinot Noir for Florina, a Coke for Guillermo, and another sparkling water with lime for Kerry, and, not knowing what else to do with herself, Kerry was sucking down her second drink almost as quickly as her first. This unfortunately meant a trip to the bathroom would soon be necessary, and she pushed her half-empty glass away from herself. As much as she knew her scarf covered her from the front, the sweater she wore showcased her pregnancy more than her scarf would be able to cover if she were to turn away from the table. As the conversation lulled, Kerry did her best to silently prompt Sandy to tell them, brushing her hand under the table against Sandy’s thigh in encouragement. Sandy flashed her eyes toward Kerry briefly and Kerry nodded, their silent conversation going unnoticed by Sandy’s parents as they picked at the charcuterie board in front of them.

“Mom, Pop, we did want to talk to you about something pretty important,” Sandy said eventually, punctuating her sentence with a swig of beer.

“What?” Florina raised her eyebrows, then leaned forward. “You’re not sick, are you?” 

“No, no Ma, this is good news.” Sandy assured her, then looked to Kerry for last minute assurance.

“Well you can’t be getting married, so what else could it be.” Florina said half under her breath, looking down at the cheese and cracker combination in her hand as she took a bite.

“We’re uh… we’re going to have a baby.” Sandy said finally, finding Kerry’s hand under the table and squeezing it tight.

Sandy’s parents stilled their movements, both of them bringing their eyes up to meet Sandy and then each other in an almost comical fashion.

“What do you mean, ‘we’re having a baby’?” Guillermo asked slowly, looking between his daughter and her partner.

“We’re going to have a baby. We’re pregnant.” Sandy repeated, unable to assess how exactly her parents were taking the news just yet. “That’s why we haven’t been able to come to dinner, Ma, between IVF and our work schedules, we barely have time to see each other let alone sit down for a dinner together.”

Florina was still silent, her eyes practically boring holes into Sandy.

“But Kerry just got a big promotion at work, so her schedule will be a little more solid than it was before and we should be able to make it to dinner at least, what would you say, once a month?” Sandy looked to Kerry who only nodded, watching with trepidation as Florina seemed to come out of her shock induced coma and sat down the remainder of her cracker on the small plate in front of her, brushing the crumbs neatly off of her fingers with her napkin. Silence crept over the table then, as Kerry and Sandy waited for Florina to say something. The waiter returned and filled their waters, assuring them that their entrées would be out any minute before scurrying away after the tension rising from the table hit him like a slap in the face.

Florina took a sip of her water and even Guillermo seemed cautious of whatever would follow.

“Ma, are you going to say anything?” Sandy prodded her eventually, shifting in her chair in aggravation.

Florina took her time, setting her glass down, then setting her hands on her lap and looking up at her daughter. “You’re having a baby?”

Sandy nodded, “I thought you’d be excited, after all these years of asking me when I’m going to give you grandchildren.”

“When?” Florina asked sharply.

“The baby is due October 5th.” Sandy answered, giving Kerry’s hand another squeeze under the table.

Florina’s eyes traveled to Kerry only briefly before returning to Sandy, a spark of sadness colored them before she spoke again. “Have you thought this through?”

Sandy planted her feet securely on the ground below her.

“Of course we have, we can’t exactly get pregnant by accident.”

“How are you supposed to work?” Florina began, her voice still controlled, but the energy coursing through her visible through the intensity of her deep eyes. “Are you going to quit your job?”

“Of course not. Did you ask Eduardo if he was going to quit his job when they had their baby?” 

“No, he has a wife who takes care of the children.” Sandy wanted to stand up. She wanted to storm around the room - she wanted to throw something. Kerry looked between the two Lopez women nervously, unsure if they should call the dinner a loss and move this conversation back to their apartment. “And he was not the one having the baby.”

“Well neither am I.” Sandy said before she could stop herself. That was not the way to tell them that part of the news.

They could almost see the cogs turning in Florina’s brain as the new information processed and her eyes, independent of the rest of her face, turned toward Kerry and Kerry could swear she could feel them bore into her like daggers.

“ _ Kerry _ is pregnant?” Florina clarified, looking back at Sandy as if Kerry was not sitting in front of her.

“Yes.” Sandy said carefully. “Kerry is carrying our baby.”

The corners of Florina’s mouth rose into a smirk and Kerry almost thought she saw her chuckle. “Oh.”

“What do you mean ‘oh’?” The air shifted around the table as Florina seemed to back down, not out of surrender, but lack of interest.

“I thought  _ you _ were pregnant. This is different.” Florina threw her hands up, then ate the rest of the cracker on her plate.

“How is this different? We’re still having a baby.” Sandy’s voice was still dangerously close to raising beyond their table and she looked to Kerry- for support, for backup, for anything.

“I thought  _ you _ were pregnant, and you’re not. This is different. That is all.” Florina shrugged, then leaned back out of the way as the waiter delivered her meal over her left shoulder. They all sat in silence as he dropped off each of their meals and asked if they needed anything else. The relief on his face was apparent when they each said no.

“I don’t understand how…” Guillermo began after a beat.

“I’ll explain it to you later.” Sandy cut him off bitterly, swirling her pasta around her fork and taking a big bite, determined to end this dinner as quickly as she could.

Kerry, suddenly feeling the pressure in her bladder from the two soda waters she had practically chugged, gathered her crutch and rose. “I’m going to run to the ladies room, excuse me.” She could feel Florina’s eyes on her stomach as she turned to find the restroom. Perhaps tonight was not the best night to rebel against her more concealing clothing.

Florina chuckled bitterly once Kerry was out of earshot. “Are you sure she is due in October? She looks like she could be six months along already, perhaps there’s something she’s not telling you.” She stabbed a piece of haddock with her fork.

“I cannot believe you just said that.” Sandy dropped her own fork, her blood running cold.

“A joke,” Florina said half heartedly in defense, taking another bite of her fish. 

Sandy didn’t know how to respond to her mother then, but she was completely turned off from her meal. She looked to her father, whose head was down as he picked at his own meal. She had known this was not going to be an easy conversation, but her mother had managed to surprise her.

“This is why I didn’t want to tell you.” Sandy said eventually, finding her voice again. “We didn’t tell you last time. We shouldn’t have told you this time.”

“Last time?” Florina raised an eyebrow, her interest obviously peaked at the mention of another hidden pregnancy.

“We’ve been trying for a year.” Sandy pushed her plate away from herself. “We have been going through this for a _year_ and you had no idea. Do you know how hard IVF is? How draining? How emotionally exhausting? But could I talk to you about it? No. You wouldn’t understand. Obviously. ” Sandy took a breath, debating her next move. “We’ve gone through nine rounds of IVF. We’ve lost two babies. But did I once feel like I could turn to you? My own parents? Not once. I knew you wouldn’t understand this, but I didn’t think you’d insult us to our faces. We know you don’t think of us in the same way you do Eduardo and Theresa, you made that perfectly clear when you changed the family dinner to fit their schedule, mine and Kerry’s be damned. But we thought maybe you’d want to be a part of my child’s- your  _ grandchild’s _ life.” Kerry made her way back to the table as Sandy ranted and she could tell things had escalated in her absence. Sandy threw her napkin into her plate and rose from her chair. “I can’t do this.”

“Sandy,” Kerry tried to stop her, reaching up and grabbing her arm but Sandy pulled away, grabbing her coat. 

“I need some air.” 

And suddenly Kerry was alone with Florina and Guillermo. She looked down at her plate, focusing as hard as she could on the gnocchi in front of her, willing this godforsaken dinner to just  _ end _ . In any other scenario, Kerry would summon all her strength and tell off whoever had upset her wife so much. But these were Sandy’s parents, and Kerry desperately wanted to be liked by them. She wanted to make this relationship as easy as possible. It all boiled down to the fact that she wanted Sandy to be happy.

“IVF is expensive.” Florina spoke suddenly, surprising Kerry. “I hope she did not drain her savings paying for it.”

“No… no, she didn’t.” Kerry was very glad Sandy had left.

“Good.” Florina took another bite of her fish, finishing what was on her plate. “I’m done.” She announced. Guillermo took one last bite of his meal that was far from complete but stood with his wife, helping her into her coat.

“Here is some money to cover our meals,” he began, but Kerry shook her head.

“No, please. This is on us.” Kerry assured him, standing with them. Florina’s eyes traveled down to Kerry’s stomach, then back up to her face.

“I don’t understand this.” There was a hint of vulnerability in her voice as she spoke, and Kerry almost felt Florina’s desperation to be able to understand.

“I know.” She said sympathetically. She wished Florina understood, if only for Sandy’s sake. She wished more than anything that Sandy’s parents accepted their daughter’s sexuality and her choices. If they knew how hard Kerry had fought for Sandy to carry the baby, maybe they’d appreciate her more. Maybe they would have accepted their baby if it was their own flesh and blood. They didn’t ask about the two they’d miscarried. That was not lost on Kerry as she watched their backs as they left the restaurant.

The waiter returned as Kerry settled back into her chair, asking if they needed any of their meals boxed. She’d asked to have hers and Sandy’s boxed and handed him her credit card to pay the bill after ordering another round of drinks for them both, hoping Sandy was bound to return at any moment. _ What a day, _ Kerry thought. But, it was over with. Everyone they needed to tell had been told, and now all they had to do was focus on each other and their baby. Kerry laid a hand on her stomach, realizing for the first time that she was now able to acknowledge her pregnancy in public without fear of being seen by someone from the hospital. Despite the horrid dinner they’d just suffered, a smile crept into the corners of her mouth.

The familiar bundle of curly brown hair reentered the restaurant, shirking off her coat as she crossed the dining area.

“You just missed them.” Kerry said, nodding to their plates across from her.

“No, I saw them leave.” Sandy took her place beside Kerry, lifting the fresh bottle of beer to her lips and draining half of it in one go. “That went…  _ exactly _ like I thought it would.” Her voice was soft in reflection and she took another swig from the bottle before placing it back down on the table.

“We needed to do it,” Kerry shook her head, leaning toward her wife and putting a hand on her forearm on the table.

“Did we?” Sandy scoffed, obviously deeply affected by the rejection from her parents. She switched the hand she was drinking her beer with as an excuse her to pull her arm away from Kerry’s grasp. “Did you need it spelled out in front of you for you to get it?  _ They don’t approve _ . I hope you’re not expecting any ‘Grandma’s Favorite’ onesies to arrive in the mail.”

Kerry was slightly taken aback, but it wasn’t like it was the first time she’d been on the receiving end of Sandy’s temper, just like Sandy was no stranger to her own. “I don’t know why you’re snapping at me, Sandy. I didn’t say anything tonight.”

“That’s right, you let me do all the hard work.” Sandy finished her beer, setting it back on the table with a little more force than was needed.

“This wasn’t about me, Sandy, this was between you and your parents.” Kerry watched as Sandy stood back up, throwing back on the coat she had just taken off.

“No, Kerry, this was about  _ us _ .  _ We _ are what they have a problem with. The two of us. Together. Maybe next time you could do a little more to show them we’re partners in this. Maybe then they’d take us a little more seriously.” Sandy didn’t wait for Kerry’s response. “I assume you paid. I’m getting the car.”

“Sandy, our food -” She tried to stop her, but Sandy was already back on the sidewalk. Kerry wasn’t exactly sure what had just happened between them, or perhaps, what had happened between Sandy and her parents outside when they were leaving, but Kerry leveraged herself up out of her chair with a hand on her crutch, slipping her arms back into her coat as the waiter returned with the two boxes. She wanted to rush out after Sandy, but needed to ask the waiter for a plastic bag for the two boxes so she could carry them one handed and he took his time returning with it.

Kerry finally managed to make her way to the sidewalk as the valet pulled up with their car.

“Sandy, give me the keys, I’m driving home.”

“I’m fine.” Sandy grabbed the keys from the valet in exchange for a $5 bill as he returned back into the warmth of the entrance way of the restaurant.

“I’m serious, give me the keys.” She followed her to the drivers side and held out her hand.

“Kerry, I had  _ three _ Heinekens over the course of two hours, just get in the car.”

“And I just watched you chug the last one, I’m not joking, Sandy give me the damn keys.” Kerry’s voice sharpened as her eyes intensified, reaching forward and grabbing the keys out of Sandy’s hand. “I know you’re upset but that’s no reason to act like an idiot.”

Sandy stared at her for a moment and then turned away, walking down the sidewalk.

“Sandy!” Kerry called after her. “Come on.”

“I’ll take the El.” Sandy didn’t turn around, but wrapped her arms around herself in an attempt to ward off the chill of the nighttime air. Kerry watched her go, knowing that going after her would be futile. She opened the driver’s side door and sat down behind the wheel, lifting her crutch and their leftovers over the center console and setting them in the empty passenger’s seat. This was certainly not how she thought this night would end, driving home alone. 

It took everything she had not to look at Sandy as she drove past her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not good at naming things, but I am very proud of the addition of chapter titles. I had a lot of fun going through and naming them all.
> 
> Hope everyone is still healthy and safe. If you are on the west coast in the US please take care of yourselves and stay indoors. If you are anywhere else, please also stay indoors. There's still a pandemic, folks. It is what Kerry Weaver would tell you to do.


	14. Damn Hormones

The rest of their night was quiet. Kerry left the front door unlocked and, after depositing their leftovers into the fridge, moved directly into the bathroom, peeling off her clothes that still felt too tight and stepping carefully into a warm bath. She leaned her head back and sighed - she always had to take it a step too far, letting something careless come out of her mouth without thinking. She shouldn’t have been so harsh with Sandy - she knew Sandy was upset and that she was more cautious about driving after  _ any _ drinks than most people were (but with her job, how could she not be?) - but it wasn’t until she was watching Sandy walk away that she’d even processed what she had said. Apologies were in order, and she had to work herself up to deliver one. Apologies did not always come easily to Kerry Weaver.

About 40 minutes later, Kerry heard the front door open and close. She expected Sandy to come into the bathroom to talk, but after waiting another ten minutes, Kerry eventually saw the light in the bedroom switch off through the crack under the door. Sandy had gone right to bed.

Quickly washing and rinsing her hair, abruptly ending her bath, Kerry pulled the plug and gingerly stood up and stepped out, pulling her towel off of the hook on the wall. She brushed her teeth as she dried, and once she had dried enough to not leave a trail of bathwater in her wake, she wrapped her dressing gown around herself, securing it at the waist, took her crutch and moved into the bedroom.

The bathroom door creaked slightly as it opened slowly but Sandy didn’t move. She was facing away from the bathroom door and Kerry couldn’t tell if she was awake or not. Kerry moved to their dresser, pulling out a fresh pair of pajamas, then stood to the side of the bed and let her robe drop to the floor. She slid her arms into her shirt and buttoned up the front as she sat down, then pulled her underwear and pants on. The normally baggy pajama pants were starting to feel tight around her waist, but it was tolerable for the night.  _ Probably the last night _ , she thought as she untied the drawstring, not needing to tie it again for the pants to stay up. She turned to check again if Sandy had budged. Nope.

Kerry reached to her bedside table and grabbed her brush, pulling it through her wet hair quickly. Normally she would dry her hair before going to bed, but she didn’t have it in her tonight. She knew this meant she’d more than likely have to wash her hair again in the morning before work, lest bedhead was the style she was going for, but she didn’t care. She pulled the sheets down on her side of the bed and slipped in.

She settled deep into the pillow, pushing it down out of her way so she could see her wife - or rather, the back of her head. Kerry reached up and took a lock of Sandy’s curls in her fingers, playing with it gently.

“I’m sorry, San…” Kerry whispered. Silence. Though she missed curling her arms around her wife, the gentle contact of holding just a piece of her hair was enough, and Kerry slowly drifted off into a fitful sleep. 

Sandy could feel Kerry twirling her hair around her finger, and she heard the whispered apology. She kept her breath steady. She stared ahead at the wall. She wasn’t ready to talk about it. She herself was still trying to figure out exactly what she was so pissed about. She knew she was taking some of her anger at her parents out on Kerry, and she knew that wasn’t fair. But Kerry, calling her an idiot... that’s not how they talked to each other, but she’d be damned if she was gonna talk about it tonight. Sandy knew if she were to start, she’d probably end up being the one saying something stupid. 

Sandy didn’t sleep much that night.

  
  
  


Kerry woke the next morning to the sound of her alarm clock ringing on her side table and she turned onto her back to reach it, whacking the top of it to silence the shrill call. She didn’t need to open her eyes to know Sandy wasn’t beside her.

Remembering the day, she knew Sandy was working her first 12-hour shift for the week, meaning they’d be home around the same time that night. Waking up without her was hard, but it was good for them, in a way… she supposed. After disagreements or terse words, a little while apart to cool down usually worked wonders for the two tempers. But truthfully, time apart was the last thing Kerry wanted. As someone who had spent so much of her life alone, Kerry even surprised herself at times with how clingy she could be. She constantly wanted to be touching Sandy; a hand on her knee at the table, her legs draped over Sandy’s on the couch, even the night before was enough, with a finger lazily twirling in her hair. Kerry couldn’t help the shiver that came over her in the empty bed, and soon threw the blankets off of herself and grabbed her dressing gown up off the floor. Threading her arm in her crutch, she ventured across the floor and into the hallway, to brew some decaf coffee and get some food into her stomach.

The sight of the thermos, obviously freshly filled, sitting and waiting for her on the kitchen island beside a clean mug pushed away any last chills Kerry felt in her body. Her chest ached to say thank you to her wife for her thought, but for now she’d settle for appreciating the coffee in front of her and working out how many hours she had left until she’d get to see Sandy again. 

Fourteen. Give or take.

  
  
  


The way each set of eyes seemed to linger on her as she made her way through the ER was not lost on Kerry. Since the staff meeting the day before, she was sure the news had easily traveled to everyone who had not been present and it was unlikely that there was anyone left in the hospital untouched by her announcement. She’d deposited her briefcase and jacket in her office and, after checking her messages with her secretary, made her way down to the ER.

She reached up to pull down the clear board, but it was just out of her reach and before she could try any of her normal maneuvers, a long arm appeared out of nowhere and pulled it down for her.

“Here you go, Dr. Weaver.” Jerry’s kind voice said suddenly, and he set his hand on her shoulder briefly before side-stepping away. 

“Thank you, Jerry.” She said with narrowed eyes - he’d never touched her before, and the look on his face was slightly more cautious than normal. Deciding to ignore his strange behavior for now, she looked up and down the board, getting a good idea of where the night shift had left them off, then picked up her first chart for the day.

“Anything good?” John asked, coming behind admit from the direction of the lounge.

“Just your average drunk and disorderly head lac in sutures,” she tucked the chart under her arm and started making her way down the hall before Carter followed her, quickening his pace to cut her off.

“Why don’t I take this one? I have a bounce-back migraine in three that I’d really appreciate you taking.” John held out his chart to her and waited while her eyes scanned his.

“Why?” She asked, shifting her weight onto her crutch and tilting her head.

“I uh - this patient, she’s been in before, and I just can’t figure her out. You know, maybe you’ll have better luck with her. Besides… drunk and disorderly… I saw this guy come in, he’s a piece of work, gave Haleh a real hard time...” The real reason eventually came out and his eyes flickered down to her stomach, despite his efforts not to.

_ Oh Lord, it begins already,  _ she thought.

“John, I’m not made of glass,” she snapped, brushing past him to continue toward the suture room. He lightly jogged at her side to keep up.

“No, no of course not Dr. Weaver, I really just need help with this migraine lady, I swear.” John positioned himself between her and the suture room door. She had two options: she could utilize her crutch as a weapon and get Carter to move aside, or she could pass the chart off and not deal with this foolishness for another second. Besides, taking a bounce-back migraine instead of a bloody head lac sounded like the better deal to her anyway. Finally, she handed over her chart and snatched John’s out of his hand.

“I’m only doing this because I want to, not because I cannot handle the drunk.” She made sure to tell him before turning down the hallway and making her way toward exam three. She’d need to put a stop to this babying behavior quickly, if Carter and, now that she thought of it, Jerry's infuriating behavior was any indication of how the next four months at work were going to go.

  
  
  


Around 3 o’clock, Kerry spotted Susan and Chuck exiting the elevator. Chuck gave Susan a borderline NSFW kiss before jumping back on the elevator as the doors closed. Susan chucked, dabbing at her mouth with the sleeve of her jacket before making her way toward the admit desk, shirking off her jacket as she went.

“Did you have a good break with the hubby?” Abby rounded the corner, falling in stride with Susan as they walked down the hallway.

“ _ Yes _ , thank you for asking.” Susan smirked, shoving her coat in the shelf under the admit desk and picking up a chart. She placed the patient's name on the board before calling to the redhead as she came toward them. “Hey Kerry, how come I had to hear from  _ Chuck _ that you’re having a baby? Where was I when you made this announcement and why was Chuck there?” She prodded her, clearly feeling indestructible after doing whatever she had been doing with Chuck up on the roof.

“You weren’t here, and neither was Chuck so I credit his knowledge to the incredibly efficient grapevine we’ve got on our hands here,” Kerry stated matter-of-factly, moving to a computer, then lowered her voice slightly. “Besides, you already knew, why make you come in for an announcement?”

“Because I would have  _ loved _ to be here to see everyone else’s faces when they found out,” Susan echoed Kerry’s volume, raising her eyebrows.

“How come I had to be here?” Abby quipped from across the desk, biting into a glazed donut from the box Jerry had brought in for the team. Kerry had already had one and had been eyeing a second for the last hour, the box sitting in front of her seemingly allowing the baby control over her mind.

“I wouldn’t have told anyone yet if I wasn’t already so huge,” Kerry ignored Abby, tugging at her lab coat and pulling it over herself. Susan rolled her eyes.

“You are far from huge, Kerry.”

Kerry had always been small, her entire life. It had been one of her main points on contention growing up, crutch be damned. She was picked on more for her size more than she ever was for her crutch. As she grew up, she’d continued to be on the slim side, though always for the purposes of health over vanity. But now, as she gained weight every day and her clothes were beginning to become snug, Kerry couldn’t help but be overly self conscious. And she wasn’t wrong, she was carrying bigger this time. There was no way she could have kept her secret a day longer, and she had been done trying.

“Jerry, get these damned donuts off of the desk, will you? People are trying to work around here.” She barked suddenly, unable to resist the temptation any longer. She hastily logged out of the computer, turning away, and attempted with desperation to trick her mind into craving something else. Something like an apple, or celery.

  
  
  


The last few hours of the shift went on without incident - the bounce-back migraine, an ankle fracture, and eventually, Kerry moved to curtain one to meet her next patient: an overly exhausted new mom and her colicky baby.

“Hi, I’m Dr. Weaver,” she glanced over the chart as she approached the young mom leaning on the side of the bed holding the small baby in her arms.

“This is Brooke,” the young blonde bounced the crying baby gently. “I swear she’s been crying non-stop. It- I don’t know what is wrong with her. It’s been days.” 

Kerry smiled and moved around to the other side of the bed. “Well, why don’t you set Brooke down and we’ll check her out.”

The blonde stood and laid the small baby down, opening her swaddle and as soon as she did both of the baby’s arms sprung upward in a deep stretch and Kerry couldn’t help chuckling. Brooke’s mom - Angela, according to the chart - hovered closely as Kerry did a thorough workup of the baby.

“I have to say, Mom,” Kerry said in her softest voice, wrapping the infant back up into her swaddle. “This is really a very healthy little baby. Has anyone warned you about colic?” Leaning her hips up against the bed, she lifted the baby into her arms and Brooke’s sobs instantly ceased.

“Oh my god… she hasn’t stopped crying all day.” Angela said in exasperation, and Kerry smiled down at the small baby whose mouth was curiously turning upward into a slight smile and, though it was likely just gas, Kerry’s eyes began to tear up at the baby’s sweet face. “Are… are you okay, Dr. Weaver?” The mother asked in concern over the tears flooding her doctor’s eyes. At Angela’s question, every head at the admit desk flashed up and looked in their direction.

Kerry could barely peel her eyes off of the baby, then nodded and handed her back to her mother. She hastily filled out the chart, then placed it on the bed. “I’m sorry. I’ll have a nurse… come by in a few minutes with a fact sheet on colic...” She barely whispered with a finger to her lips, as if doing so would hold back her tears. She smiled as best as she could manage briefly as she moved quickly into the lounge.

Damn hormones. She could not explain exactly what had just overcome her - the baby’s face, her bright blue eyes, the pudgy cheeks, and her small button nose - Kerry was a goner before she even knew she was going. Pulling off a square of paper towel from the roll, she blew her nose and blotted at her eyes before the door behind her swung open.

“I was just grabbing a cup of coffee,” Carter defended himself before Kerry could scold him for following her. Kerry turned away from him as he crossed to the coffee machine. “Damn thing is empty…” He said frustratedly before throwing out the old filter and beginning to make a new pot. They stood in silence as the coffee machine gurgled to life. Then Carter took the plunge. “Are you okay, Kerry?”

Kerry cleared her throat, pulling herself together enough to speak to Carter clearly, though still keeping her back to him.

“Carter, you need to get the dates of your Africa trip to Romano as soon as you can,” she wiped her face dry with the back of her hand before turning in his direction. “With my being out in a few months, we need to make sure we find appropriate coverage if we are going to be down two attendings.” She swallowed the rest of her emotions down and shook her bangs out of her face.

“Oh, that,” he began, pulling the carafe of brewing coffee out from under the machine, setting his coffee mug in its place and watching it fill up cautiously, not allowing it to overfill before switching the carafe back. “I’m actually not going anymore. Not for a while, anyway.” He took a small sip of the coffee - which was scalding, and immediately burned his tongue. “Oh ouch.”

“What?” Abby hadn’t mentioned his trip again for a while, but last they spoke he had been choosing dates.

“Yeah, I figured I’d be a little more help around here.” He looked at her briefly, a small smile playing on his still-stinging lips, and then back at his coffee cup, careful not to spill, as he ventured out of the room.

Carter was staying because she was going to be out; he was staying to help with coverage. 

John was staying because she was having a baby, and they were friends.

The very tears she had just squelched moments before erupted again, much to her chagrin, as she was overwhelmed by Carter’s thoughtfulness and friendship. Damn hormones.

  
  
  


Thankfully, baby Brooke was her last patient of the day. After she’d recovered from her hormonal breakdown as much as she could, she’d signed off on a few charts and muttered a few shameful goodbyes as the staff tiptoed around her. She didn’t even have it in her to reprimand them and barely had the energy to step onto the elevator to collect her briefcase and jacket from her office. Her secretary was long gone by the time Kerry’s ER shift had ended, and as she approached the door to her office, she realized that baby brain had already reared its ugly head.

The keys to her office were on her lanyard. Her lanyard was in her briefcase. Her briefcase was in her office. And her office was locked.

Damn.

Kerry took a half step closer to the glass door and thumped her forehead against it gently, unsure of her next move. She could get a janitor, find someone with a master key. But admit that the Chief of Staff had locked herself out of her own office and didn’t have the wherewithal to function properly because the baby in her stomach was hogging the blood supply that normally was rationed for her brain?

One heavy sigh later and Kerry slowly made her way down the hall to the first available phone she could find. She listened to the line ring twice before the familiar voice picked up.

“Yeah?”

Kerry took a beat or two, furrowing her eyebrows. “Is that really how you answer our phone?”

“Yes.” Sandy wasn’t playing along, obviously. Kerry took a breath, stretching her neck out with a tilt of her head before continuing.

“Can you come pick me up?” She began. “I know you just got out of a long shift, I’m sorry, but my briefcase is locked in my office, along with my keys and my wallet and my jacket, and I’m so exhausted I don’t think even if I had the money I could make it home on the El tonight, and-”

“Okay, okay, of course I’ll come pick you up.” Her words were more comforting than her tone. “Give me a second to change back into clothes and I’ll head out.”

“Thank you.” The line was dead before she’d finished speaking. Closing her eyes and preparing herself for whatever mood Sandy was going to appear in, Kerry hung up the phone and slowly made her way back down to the ER.

  
  
  


It was late enough that finding a spot to park on the street wasn’t too hard. Sandy had grabbed an extra coat for Kerry on her way out and threw it over her arm as she hoisted herself out of her car. Every muscle in her body ached from her shift that day and she’d been in bed when Kerry called. She was almost tempted to tell Kerry to ask around at work to see if anyone could drop her off, but besides the fact that she knew Kerry would never put herself in such a vulnerable position with her staff, she knew she’d feel like a real asshole. She was annoyed with Kerry for sure. Certainly still peeved from the night before. But she wasn’t cruel. She could pick up her tired, pregnant wife from work.

“Why are you sitting out here?” Sandy shouted from the entrance of the ambulance bay as she spotted her wife sitting on the bench near the automatic doors. “You’re gonna freeze!”

“I’m having a hot flash,” Kerry lifted her crutch from beside her and stood. “I’m fine.”

Sure enough, Sandy could see Kerry’s flushed cheeks from 10 feet away, though they could have certainly been red from the nip of the 42 degree air. Sandy tossed the coat to Kerry as she approached her, then held her crutch as Kerry pulled her arms into it. She handed her crutch back and they walked an awkward distance apart on the way to the car.

“Thank you for coming to get me,” Kerry said eventually after their doors were both closed and the engine revved to life.

“Mhm,” Sandy acknowledged, turning the wheel and pulling onto the road.

They traveled home in silence. They entered their apartment in silence. Sandy sat on the couch and turned the TV on while Kerry got ready for bed, in silence.

Finally, Kerry emerged from where she’d been waiting in the bedroom to see Sandy beginning to doze on the couch. She crossed the room, grabbing the remote and switching the TV off.

“I was watching that.” Sandy said from behind closed eyes.

“We need to talk.” Kerry tossed the remote back onto the table, leaning against the back of the couch.

“It’s late, Kerry, we’ve both had long days…” Sandy started, swinging her legs off the couch and beginning to move past Kerry, but Kerry grabbed her arm gently.

“I’m sorry I snapped at you last night,” Kerry said genuinely, pulling Sandy closer as she leaned toward her. “It was thoughtless of me and I’m truly sorry.”

Sandy tried to look anywhere but at Kerry, but eventually her large green eyes were like magnets to Sandy’s darting, deep brown ones and Sandy couldn’t help it when her hard shell began to crack.

“It was a really shitty night,” she began. “And that was a shitty way to end it.”

“I agree.” Kerry ran her hand up and down Sandy’s arm gently.

“I was really pissed at you.”

“I know.”

“I need to know that I can rely on you, Ker. That you’re on my team.” Sandy’s determined eyes quickly swept away all traces of sleepiness. “That we’re in this together, no matter what.”

“I thought you knew that.” Kerry couldn’t help the way her heart tightened then, disheartened at the idea that Sandy didn’t trust their partnership, or her level of commitment to their partnership. “I promise I’ll try harder, to make sure you know.” Kerry’s grip on Sandy’s arm tightened, afraid that she’d lose her if she let go. Sandy leaned forward, taking Kerry’s chin gently in her hand and pulling her closer, kissing her tenderly.

They didn’t say any more, but Kerry led Sandy to their bedroom and, after a quick stop in the bathroom thanks to the pomegranate sized baby on her bladder, tucked in tightly beside Sandy under the covers. Kerry quickly drifted off, the exhaustion of her 12 hour shift sweeping over her the moment she was horizontal on the bed. Sandy waited for Kerry’s breathing to even out before turning away, letting Kerry’s hand fall off of her side as she did so.

All day she had been trying to figure out what it was that was making her so angry. She’d been visibly distracted at work and had even lashed out a couple times at the guys, her frustration and irritation at her own lack of understanding of her own emotions eating away at her from within. It was only now, listening to Kerry begin to snore beside her, that she was starting to make sense of the overwhelming fire in her chest. From the very beginning of their relationship, Kerry always seemed to be most comfortable with their relationship when it was most convenient. Behind closed doors or in dark bars, even after coming out. They didn’t go to the ER banquets together, but they always went to the events at the firehouse.

Why was it so much easier for Kerry to be gay in Sandy’s world? Why wasn’t Sandy invited into Kerry’s world with the same enthusiasm?

How were they supposed to raise a baby together when one of them was still having a hard time embracing their relationship publicly and confidently? 

The night before, her unshakable wife was silent and passive against her parents, leaving Sandy to fight twice as hard, alone.

Suddenly, a lot of unspoken irritants refreshed themselves in her mind, her patience finally boiling over after months and months of building up, now that IVF was not at the forefront of their thoughts to distract them. Kerry’s apology was nice, but they needed to have a bigger talk before one of them said or did something they would not be able to come back from.

Sandy slipped out of bed and crept back into the living room. She would sleep better on the couch with some distance to think.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you ever find yourself screaming *talk to each other!!!* as you write your characters *not* talking to each other? Because these women need to talk as soon as possible, they're starting to stress me out.
> 
> & I promise they will talk about all of Sandy's worries... and it's breaking my heart picturing Kerry falling asleep thinking they're alright while Sandy has moved to the couch. Man... I need a hug haha
> 
> I hope everyone is still safe and healthy! Thanks for reading and letting me know your thoughts! I've also been debating whether or not they should find out the sex of the baby. Anyone have strong feelings either way?


	15. Call Your Husband

“And they chose Robert? Really?” Kerry narrowed her eyes incredulously at Donald Anspaugh who sat across from her on the couch in her office.

“I spoke with Alderman Bright on the phone this morning. He said the vote was nearly unanimously in favor of Dr. Romano for the position.” Don took a sip of his coffee and set the handmade mug on the coffee table in front of him. “I know you wanted the position, that’s why I wanted to tell you before Robert could. I’m sure he will have his fill of gloating before day’s end, and I wanted to prepare you for it.”

Kerry had no doubt in her mind that she would hear the news directly from Romano himself as soon as he had the opportunity. They had both been vying for the Public Health Liaison position, but in the last few months Kerry’s campaigning and her presentations in county commissioners court had become few and far between. She didn’t blame them for not granting her the position but found it hard to understand why on earth they would settle for Robert.

“There will be a press conference today at four and, of course, we would like you to be there.” Anspaugh leaned back into the couch.

“Of course.” She replied tightly, sucking in a deep breath between clenched teeth. Standing to the side as Robert received bottomless, empty praise was not high on her list of priorities for the day. Don knew her well enough to know that she’d had enough talk about Romano and thankfully changed the subject.

“How has everything been going since your announcement? Your staff has taken it in stride I suspect?”

Kerry reflected on the two weeks that had passed since their staff meeting. Things in the ER had certainly been going better than things at home. “Aside from some coddling behavior that I put a stop to immediately, everything has been going well. Dr. Carter has decided to postpone his trip to Africa and stay until after I have returned from maternity leave.” Something about that offer from Carter still tugged at her heart and before she allowed herself to get emotional again, she rose from her chair. “I hate to cut our meeting short, Don, but if you excuse me I need to visit the ladies room again.” She struggled to keep the blush from rising in her cheeks, but she had already paused their meeting upon his arrival nearly an hour ago for a bathroom break, and she could not wait much longer. Don chuckled, rising and taking his mug with him as he left the room.

“No problem at all,” he crossed to the door but stopped briefly on his way out. “The surgical floor at four o’clock. I trust you will find their set up fairly easily.”

“I will be there.” Kerry smiled, placing a hand on her hip as she watched him leave. She pursed her lips, debating whether she could delay her trip to the bathroom long enough to make a call home. She and Sandy had made plans to go out to eat for the first night since their awful dinner with Sandy’s parents and Kerry was very much looking forward to it. The tension at home hadn’t lifted as much as she would have liked and more than once after falling asleep in bed beside each other, when Kerry had woken in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, she’d found the spot beside her empty. Their new couch was certainly comfortable, but by no means did she want to spend multiple nights in a row on it. Kerry was hoping to find a way to bring it up casually tonight; she wondered if her snoring was keeping Sandy awake or if it was something more than that. She knew there were things Sandy wanted to talk about, but Kerry had been so busy at work that by the time she got home she was exhausted and usually was asleep not long after dinner. 

They were meeting at five at a new barbecue restaurant Sandy had been eyeing since it opened, but it was across town and Kerry wasn’t sure how long the press conference would take, plus any additional schmoozing time worked in at the end. She may not have been granted the position, but she surely wanted to stay on the good side of the board of commissioners. Who knew how long it would take before Robert pissed any (or all) of them off, and she would need to step in to keep the peace (and their budget).

She was washing her hands and eying the new grey strands that were beginning to slightly pepper her hair when her pager vibrated, summoning her down to the ER. She would see what they needed from her and call Sandy from downstairs, she decided, collecting her crutch and moving toward the elevator. She thought about asking her secretary to call Sandy for her, but decided against it. Sandy had said that she needed to know Kerry was on her team, that they were in it together - the last thing she wanted to do was pass off a small task like a simple phone call to someone else. She could call her herself.

As the doors opened, Kerry was quickly met by an unfamiliar blonde in nurses’ scrubs.

“Dr. Weaver?” The blonde asked as she approached, with an air of confidence Kerry would have appreciated if she’d known who the stranger working in her ER was.

“Yes?”

“I was told to bring you this way.”

Kerry’s eyebrows raised and the nurse did not wait long before turning and leading her down the hall. “Who are you?”

“Oh, sorry. I’m Sam Taggart, I just started yesterday.” She didn’t slow down and spoke over her shoulder. “Someone named Sandy is here.” 

Kerry’s blood ran cold and a knot formed in her stomach as they walked toward the trauma rooms. To Kerry’s immense relief, they walked past the trauma rooms and Sam pushed the door to the suture room open. She didn’t have long respite from her worry before her eyes fell on the brunette on the gurney in front of her and she bounded across the room.

Sandy looked up as the door opened and watched her wife’s face transform from pure panic into focused anxiety. “I’m fine, Kerry, I swear.”

Kerry was already examining the large, newly sutured laceration up Sandy’s left arm from the back of her wrist to the crook of her elbow.

“Updated tetanus?”

“Yes,” Sam responded from across the room, depositing the needles and bloodied gauze in the hazardous waste bin.

“Who did the sutures?” Kerry assessed the thorough, detailed work. She was impressed, whoever had done it.

“Dr. Carter. He was just in here, do you want me to get him?” Sam asked.

Kerry looked up through the window to trauma two where she could see Carter beginning to put in a chest tube, and shook her head.

“No,” Kerry looked back at Sandy, then. Or rather, looked at Sandy’s face for the first time since her arrival. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Sandy couldn’t help chuckling at Kerry’s belated greeting. Sam, realizing the shift in the air, quickly ducked out through the door to trauma two looking for something to busy herself with.

“What happened?” Kerry finally asked, lowering the railing on the gurney and sitting on the edge of it.

“It was stupid, we were trying to get the doors opened to this car that had been totaled. There was a kid in the back seat, she was bleeding out.” Sandy gestured with her non-injured arm to the trauma beyond the door. Carter moved then to get to the other side of the gurney and gave them a full view of the small Black girl, the ET tube a startling, serious contrast to the pink bows in her hair. “The door was starting to give as soon as we got the jaws on it, but I was stupid. I was so focused on getting her out, I jumped in before they’d pulled the door and it caught the back of my hand - it slit my jacket.”

Kerry looked to the bloodied jacket cut to pieces on the floor and the sleeve of the shirt she was wearing was cut in half all the way up to her shoulder.

“I’m not loving this front row seat…” Sandy said then, turning her head away from the window. Kerry rose and crossed to the door, pulling the blinds over the window closed. “Thanks.”

Kerry leaned her hips against the foot of the bed, her eyes studying what was sure to be an incredibly painful injury. “I guess this means you won’t be up for dinner tonight?” 

Sandy shrugged, “I don’t know… a couple stitches has never slowed me down before.”

“A  _ couple _ ?” It was clearly more than a couple, running the whole length of her forearm.

“Stitches or no stitches I’m still gonna be hungry tonight.” Sandy had been impatiently waiting for this night. Some time out of the house - and not in the ER, either - was exactly what they needed. All of Kerry’s appointments had been going well, the baby was healthy and growing, and today not-withstanding, work had been without incident for Sandy. Their external stressors were at a tolerable level, just manageable enough for them to start working on some of their personal issues. She wasn’t even sure if Kerry was aware of them - the little moments here and there, but Sandy would start to bring them up tonight. As much as she thought Kerry could work harder at addressing her own insecurities with their relationship, and her identity as a gay woman, she knew Kerry was never one to back down from a difficult challenge, as proven by the growing bump under her new maternity blouse.

“Okay, as long as you’re sure.” Kerry was still at the foot of the bed and reached forward, placing a comforting hand on Sandy’s shin. Sandy nodded.

“I’m fine, Ker. I don’t even know why they paged you down here, I’m gonna head out as soon as I know if she makes it through.” She nodded back toward the closed blinds.

“I’m glad they paged me,” Kerry assured her. “Though I wish they’d told me you were alright. When that nurse pulled me off the elevator I thought we were going to the trauma room.” 

“She’s kinda cute,” Sandy prodded her with raised brows. Kerry shot her a look but said nothing. “Come on, admit it!”

“I will not.” Kerry rolled her eyes, thoroughly enjoying the momentary normalcy with her wife. It had been a few weeks since she saw the spark in Sandy’s eyes that she was getting a glimpse of now.

“She’s your type.” Sandy provoked her, knowing exactly what she was doing. Kerry’s face flushed quickly from her neck all the way up to her cheeks.

“Stop it, Sandy, she is not.”

“Short. Kinda tough. Curly hair.”

“Sandy, I’m not kidding, stop that before someone comes in here and hears you.” Though her words were serious, she couldn’t help the chuckle that was starting to escape as a smile invaded her eyes. Just then, the door to trauma two opened and Carter poked his head in.

“She’s stable, going up to surgery to fix a lacerated liver and a punctured lung, but she should pull through.” He told Sandy with a smile. 

“Makes twenty-two stitches worth it.” Sandy let out a deep breath, leaning her head back against the bed. Kerry watched her wife with pride.  _ What an incredible woman,  _ she thought, though it was the same thought she had time and time again.

  
  
  


“It’s an utterly thankless position. No money, endless paperwork, countless meetings, but it still remains a great honor. Therefore, on behalf of the Board of Commissioners, I am proud and privileged to name Dr. Robert Romano as Medical Liaison to Cook County’s Public Health Care administration.” Alderman Bright stepped aside as Romano stepped up to the microphone to address the small crowd and camera that stood before them. Kerry shifted subtly on her crutch, a tight smile plastered to her face. They’d been standing waiting for the conference to start for about forty five minutes and the immobility was beginning to lead to deep, fiery pain within her hip.

Robert thanked Alderman Bright and all of his colleagues at County, who he knew would greatly support him throughout any endeavor. Kerry thought she heard Anspaugh sigh beside her and she licked her lips to stifle any facial response that were to slip out unchecked.

“Dr. Romano, how will your experience as a surgeon inform your position as public liaison?”

Exactly the question Kerry had asked him numerous times in the past when they’d debated their qualifications for the position. Kerry had insisted that running the ER was a front row seat to the public health care crisis not only in Chicago, but in the country. Romano had insisted that any doctor with eyes could do the job. And here he was. A doctor with eyes.

Kerry only half listened to his answer as a mass of curly brown hair caught her attention behind the camera. The person took another step to the right and Kerry realized it was indeed not Sandy, who had gone home not long after Carter let them know about the little girl’s status. They had decided to meet at the restaurant, that way Kerry would not have to worry about rushing home after the conference. Sandy had promised to go home and take it easy until then and Kerry had promised that she’d take  _ extra _ care of her tonight when they returned from dinner.

Though no part of her was glad that Sandy had gotten hurt, it had given them a slight recess from their tension filled few weeks; seeing Sandy smile and goad her on did more for Kerry’s spirits in their brief ten minutes together than anything else had as of late. She couldn’t wait to get out of this ridiculous horse and pony show, if only Romano could stop his endless yammering on about-

“Dr. Weaver?” It was clearly not the first time her name had been spoken and she felt Anspaugh’s elbow nudge her lightly. Her eyes flashed to the Alderman and then to the sea of eyes waiting for her response to whatever she had been asked.

“Yes?”

The reporter repeated her question, her tone clear that she was irritated at not being listened to the first time. “After so long seemingly vying for the Liaison position, what made you decide to take a step back and do you think Dr. Romano will be able to fulfill the duties the position requires?”

Romano stepped away from the mic, gesturing theatrically for Kerry to take his place behind the podium.

“I, of course, have the utmost faith that Dr. Romano will serve our community to the best of his ability,” she began tentatively, finding her voice as she settled behind the microphone. “And as far as my stepping back - I have recently taken over the position of Chief of Staff here at County General while still working full time in the ER; my time and efforts are stretched to their limits and I stepped away from pursuing this position knowing that it would be best served by someone with more time to-”

Kerry suddenly felt the Alderman’s arm around her shoulders, “Don’t be so modest, Dr. Weaver, we all know you could have taken on the position. I heard on the jungle telegraph, however, that Dr. Weaver recently announced a pregnancy to the hospital.” Kerry’s eyes widened, looking dead into the camera that was televising this moment all throughout their county. She stiffened in his arms as he squeezed her in a much too familiar way, reaching his other hand in front of them to touch her stomach, clearly looking for a wholesome photo-op. “Dr. Weaver will have much more important things to focus on soon enough.” He turned to Kerry then, squeezing her shoulders again despite all indications that the touch was not welcome. “Your husband must be very excited.”

Though every alarm was going off in her head, all she could think about was ending this moment as soon as possible. Getting his arms off from around her. Getting to sit down  _ anywhere _ . And so, she said the first thing that came to her mind, hoping that it would put an end to the inquisitive eyes seemingly waiting for an answer, standing in front reporters and a camera broadcasting every painfully silent moment that passed by.

“He is.”

  
  
  


The movement of the large glass doors swinging open caught Kerry’s eye and she leaned over to get a better view. It was an elderly couple who were promptly greeted by the host who checked the reservation book and led them off into the busy dining room full of bib-clad customers, covered in layers of barbecue sauce, happily laughing and devouring their food.

Kerry tapped her fingers against the table, sitting back in her chair. Checking her watch, she realized Sandy was now nearing 45 minutes late for their dinner. Traffic this time of night could be unbearable, perhaps Sandy was stuck in the crosstown traffic as everyone else tried to get home from work.

“Ma’am,” the waitress approached Kerry for the fourth time, “I’m sorry but you’re going to need to order something or give up the table, we’re really busy tonight.”

Kerry waved her away, “I know, I’m sorry, she should be here any minute.”

“Would you like to move to the bar while you wait? I can put you on the waitlist for the next available table once she gets here?”

Kerry huffed in frustration. “You know what, let me call her and I’ll see where she is.” Kerry pulled her phone out of her purse and flipped it open.

“You’ll have to take that outside, ma’am, we don’t allow cell phones in our dining room.”

Kerry shot the waitress a look that could shatter glass, wondering what kind of bougie barbecue place this was, but rose out of her seat. The waitress’s face fell slightly at the sight of not only the crutch, but her obviously pregnant stomach, clearly now feeling bad for making her move, but Kerry pulled her purse over her shoulder, brushing past her and out the glass doors to the sidewalk.

The phone barely rang once before Sandy answered her cell.

“Lopez.” 

“Sandy, where are you? They’re about to make me give up our table.” Kerry shivered slightly, wishing she’d brought her sweater out with her. 

For a second she thought the call dropped and covered her other ear with her hand to block out the noisy sounds of the busy city street.

“Sandy?”

“I’m not feeling that great, Ker.”

“Is it your arm, are you okay?” She knew Sandy must have been putting on a brave face earlier, that or the topicals they had given her had worn off - that lac was going to hurt for a long time.

“My arm’s fine. Why don’t you call up your husband, see if he wants to go to dinner?”

Kerry could have sworn her heart stopped beating for a moment.

“You saw that.” It wasn’t a question; regret and shame dripped from her words as she looked down at her feet. No part of her expected Sandy to have been watching public television in the middle of the day, but now that she thought of it, they’d talked about the conference right before Sandy left and she had promised to go home and take it easy. Of course that’s what she decided to do.

“Yeah, I saw it. You know who else saw it? My parents.” Sandy’s voice was rough and harsh, and Kerry could tell she was pacing. “They called me, they wanted to know if I knew who this husband was you were talking about.”

“Sandy, I’m sorry, honey, I-I-I didn’t kn- I mean I didn’t know what to say.” She stuttered, turning away from the street and looking back into the windows of the restaurant at their empty table. “I’m going to come home, let’s talk about this. I’ll be home in half an hour.”

“Don’t, Kerry. I don’t really want to see you right now.”

“Sandy, I’m- I didn’t know what to say to him,” She felt her lips trembling, and pressed a finger to them. “Sandy?”

The line was dead. Kerry flipped her phone closed quickly and moved back into the restaurant, picking up her sweater and not even bothering to flag down the waitress. Within minutes she was back in her car and driving in the direction of their apartment. She tried to think of what she’d say, she tried to prepare herself for what Sandy might say, but she found that her mind was blank, seemingly stalling out from overstimulation. Loud honking woke her from her dazed state as she realized the light had turned green in front of her and she hadn’t moved.

Sandy’s car was still on the street when Kerry got home; she wasn’t so sure it was going to be and she was relieved as she parked in the open space behind it. Her hands fumbled as she tried to find the correct keys on her key ring, eventually making it into her own apartment. It was eerily silent. Sandy was not one to keep a silent house unless she was asleep, and it was much too early for that. There was no music playing, the television in the living room wasn’t on, and from what Kerry could (or could not) hear, neither was the one in the bedroom. As Kerry moved further into the apartment, however, she could hear movement from their bedroom and she cautiously pushed the door open.

Sandy was standing in front of their closet, taking out a few shirts and pulling them off the hangers before shoving the hangers hastily back into the closet.

“What are you doing?” Kerry said after finding her voice.

“What does it look like I’m doing?” Sandy tossed the shirts in a heap into an overnight bag sitting open on their bed.

“It looks like you’re packing.” She swallowed hard, fighting to keep control of her voice as she watched her wife rummage through their dresser, pulling out at least a few days worth of clothing.

Sandy didn’t respond but shoved her pre-packed toiletry bag on top of the stack of clothes and zipped the tote up, swinging it over her shoulder and brushing past Kerry out of the room. Kerry spun to follow her, suddenly desperate to keep Sandy from moving any further away.

“Where-where are you going?” She asked, stepping around Sandy to stand between her and the door as Sandy crouched down to tie her shoes.

“I’m going to go stay with Carlos for a couple days.” Sandy didn’t look up but focused as hard as she could on tying her laces despite her trembling fingers.

Kerry tried to get the word out twice before she managed to vocalize it successfully: “Why?”

“Because, Kerry, like I said, I don’t really want to see you right now.”

Kerry’s mind kicked into action, finally firing on all cylinders as she fought desperately to keep Sandy from leaving.

“What did you expect me to say to him, Sandy? We were on live television!” She took two determined steps toward Sandy who stood up and backed away.

“I don’t know, Kerry. I don’t know what I expected you to say. I don’t know why I would have expected anything other than what I got. You are so  _ fucking _ scared of us. You are an out woman at work - your staff knows, the board knows. What would have been the big whoop if you’d said  _ she _ instead of  _ he _ ? Huh? Said the word ‘wife.’ What would have happened?” Sandy ran a frustrated hand through her hair, pushing it out of her face as she turned away from Kerry to take a breath. “After all these years… you’re still scared to admit what you are. And I… I thought I could handle that. No, I’d convinced myself you were over it.  _ That’s _ the problem. I was lying to myself just like  _ you’re _ lying to  _ your _ self."

Kerry could have fallen to her knees if it weren’t for the crutch gripped in her right hand.

“Sandy.” She began, trying desperately to arrange all of the thoughts in her head to form a coherent sentence. “There is a time and a place for personal information, and-and-and standing in front of a camera in the middle of a televised press conference is not one of them!” Her voice had risen multiple octaves by the time she finished.

“You hide me at the hospital like you’re ashamed of me.” Sandy ignored Kerry’s passionate reasoning. “Look me in the eyes and tell me that we’re just like all your married, straight coworkers.” Sandy waited. Kerry waited. “You lectured me about treating us just like any straight couple, that we owed it to our baby. Is that only for when it’s  _ me _ doing the hard work? We don’t do the things your straight coworkers do-”

“Like-like what, making out on the roof in the middle of the day?” Kerry’s tone was on the verge of ridiculing; she could barely keep up with Sandy’s train of thought as everything she’d kept bottled inside for so long began rushing out. 

“No, like - like the yearly banquet where your staff bring their husbands and wives and children.” The word children stung them both - after a year from hell, they were closer than ever to finally having their baby, so why were they worse off than they had ever been before? “Every year we go to the picnics and the barbecues and the baseball games with my team and my guys - we never go to your work events. Are you really that ashamed of us?” Sandy’s voice began to crack and she turned away again, smacking her fist against her thigh in frustration.

“ _ Sandy _ ,” she wanted to walk toward her but it took all her strength and focus just to remain upright. “I don’t skip the banquet because of us. That has nothing to do with us, or with you.” Her head was spinning, feeling completely caught off guard by the direction of Sandy's argument. “I don’t go to the banquets anymore because of  _ me _ . They don’t want me there.” She stepped toward Sandy then, reaching her hand for her uninjured arm but Sandy pulled away. “It has nothing to do with you. I love you, Sandy. Everyone in my hospital knows that I love you.”

Kerry grabbed both of Sandy’s upper arms, holding her to face her, letting her crutch dangle beside them.

“You know that I love you.” It was a statement  _ and _ a question and Kerry’s hands gripped desperately to Sandy.

Sandy nodded. She did know. She knew Kerry loved her and she knew that she loved Kerry with every fiber of her being. That love was fueling her in this moment. She was so passionately, outrageously, head over heels in love with this stubborn, infuriating woman that she would rip them apart before she was willing to settle for what Kerry was giving them.

Pulling herself out of Kerry’s arms, Sandy reached down and picked up her bag, slinging the strap over her shoulder and stepping around Kerry who followed closely at her side like a scared toddler.

“Where are you going?”

“I told you, I’m going to stay with Carlos.”

“Why?” The first tears began to spill down her cheeks, leaving dark trails on the front of her sweater.

“Because there’s something not quite right here right now, something’s not working, and we need to figure it out.” She pulled a jacket off of the coat tree, throwing it over her non-bandaged arm and collecting her keys from the bowl by the door.

“And you’re going to do that by leaving?”

“Kerry, I need to leave before I don’t want to come back.” Sandy shut the door just before her own tears began to escape from her carefully guarded eyes.

The echo of the door slamming reverberated in Kerry’s mind for well over a minute as she stood, staring at the dark wood of their front door, willing Sandy to walk back through and tell her the whole thing was an elaborate joke. She waited. And she waited. But Sandy didn’t come back. Kerry’s stomach lurched and she made it to the bathroom just in time to vomit into the sink. Between the last twenty minutes and the lack of food in her stomach from missing dinner, the world was spinning around her and it was all she could do to get into bed, pulling the covers over herself, still fully dressed, and sobbed into the scent of her wife’s abandoned pillow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first time I saw the Alderman say "she's single" I pictured Sandy at home watching to support her wife. When they had just gone through a miscarriage. I thought for sure we would see the repercussions of that... and we did not. So I manipulated the timeline and worked it into this story, flipping the script a bit but keeping the general implications of Kerry's words.
> 
> I honestly did not know that this was the direction we were going in... but it has at once been a challenge and a delight trying to figure it all out. I'm looking forward to what's coming up, hang in there everyone. ;)
> 
> P.S. I have returned to Tumblr this week (pgkwriter) and I am already having so much fun back there as it seems the Kerry fandom is having a bit of a resurgence. I am using my tumblr as an inspiration-board of sorts, but will also post the occasional sneak peek to upcoming chapters, I'm sure. I would love to connect with you all there as well!


	16. Flutters

“It’s tomorrow at 3:30, if you want to be there.” Kerry fiddled with her pen in between her fingers, holding the phone to her left ear. The buzzing of the refrigerator filled the silence in the room as she summoned up the energy to allow herself one moment of vulnerability. “I would like you to be there if you can make it.”

The door to the lounge swung open and Kerry hastily glanced over her shoulder to see Abby and Susan enter laughing, though they quickly quieted when they saw Kerry was on the phone.

“I will see you tomorrow, I hope. Love you.” She quickly hung up, ending the call with Carlos’s answering machine. It had been six days since Sandy walked out their front door and Kerry had not heard from her since. The emptiness of their apartment was stifling and Kerry had all but slept in her office over the course of the week, and the toll those six days had taken on her was clear to anyone upon first glance. She rubbed at her temples, willing the headache she felt creeping up to spare her, allowing her just one day without unnecessary pain.

Abby and Susan shot each other subtle glances behind the redhead from each of their lockers as Susan deposited her lab coat and Abby hung up her stethoscope. Abby raised her brows and shot her eyes in the direction of Kerry, to which Susan furrowed her brows and shrugged her shoulders. They’d perfected their art of silent communication, and soon Abby was cautiously approaching the older doctor who was holding her head in her hands.

“Kerry…” Abby began, then waited briefly for Kerry to acknowledge her, though continued despite the lack of recognition. “Susan and I are going to head to the cafeteria for some lunch. I know it’s not the most appetizing suggestion on the planet but… if you’re hungry…” Abby looked to Susan over Kerry’s head, searching for some sort of backup in her endeavor.

“I heard the special this week is chicken pot pie,” Susan added, slightly panicked, and immediately regretted her addition knowing the image it conjured would be anything but enticing.

Kerry continued rubbing her temples, her eyes tightly closed. She should say yes and go with the women to the cafe. She needed to be in someone’s company before her mind turned so far inward that there was no chance of her crawling back out. She slightly flinched at the feeling of Abby’s hand on her shoulder. Abby felt her innate reaction immediately and gently withdrew her hand.

“Kerry… are you with us?” Abby goaded, pulling out the chair beside her and sitting down. Kerry raised her head then, her slightly bloodshot and very overtired eyes finding Abby’s.

“What?” She asked, allowing herself more time to consider her response as Abby repeated the invitation.

“We were wondering if you wanted to come have lunch with us,” Abby tried to sound as casual as she could, knowing pity was not the route that worked with the Chief of Staff, though she and Susan had just spoken that morning about how awful Kerry looked, and that was long before they found her sitting miserably in front of the phone.

“I uh-” Kerry began, racking her brain desperately for some sort of excuse as every cell in her body begged her to find one. “I am still waiting on labs…” 

“That’s the best you’ve got?” Susan teased with a smirk from her position leaning against her locker.

Kerry sighed, looking up into Abby’s eyes again, desperation and humiliation filling them before she could initiate her censor, then looking back down at the pen in her hand. “I really should wait…”

“I’m sure Randi will page us as soon as they’re in… you can ask her on our way.” Abby added helpfully, rejecting Kerry’s cop-out. She waited for Kerry’s eyes to find hers again, willing her to accept their invitation. She knew the week had not been kind to her boss, though she didn’t know why. Although she was sure pregnancy in one's 40s was enough in itself to do a person in, Abby had an inkling that whatever was plaguing the redhead was something beyond that simple fact.

“I haven’t seen you eat a real meal in a while,” Susan added cautiously, crossing the room as she pulled the strap of her purse over her shoulder. “Not that the meals in the cafeteria are _ real _ …” 

As if on cue, Kerry’s stomach rumbled loudly. Susan wasn’t wrong, it had been difficult for Kerry to eat over the last few days, her stomach at once clenching and flipping at the idea of food. Abby chuckled at the sound, rising and picking her wallet up off the table where she’d placed it.

“Come on, I’m starving.” Abby tempted, all but holding her hand out to Kerry.

Kerry gave it one last moment of thought before conceding to her noisy stomach, knowing that if anything, the baby would appreciate a well rounded meal. Without a word, Kerry pushed herself up out of the chair and collected her crutch with a sigh. Abby and Susan could not help the flush of accomplishment they felt as they walked with Kerry out the lounge door and in the direction of some mediocre, overpriced hospital food. 

Mediocre was an understatement, but one Kerry was willing to deal with as she set her tray of food in front of the register, then carefully balanced it on the way to the table. The carton of milk on one side threatened to tip the tray she carried one handed, but she set it without incident on the table and lowered herself into her chair as Abby and Susan joined her. Kerry poked into her chicken pot pie and watched the crust deflate under the weight of her fork. It was not the most appetizing sight but she stuck her fork inside, lifting a large bite into her mouth as it steamed into the air.

Abby and Susan shot each other subtle triumphant glances as they watched Kerry begin to eat. Neither had seen her eat more than a cracker or some yogurt in a week, and although they didn’t know exactly what was upsetting Kerry so deeply, neither of them wanted to stand by while Kerry’s baby suffered from its mother’s lack of external support. Neither Abby nor Susan had seen or heard from Sandy in nearly a month and thought perhaps that might have something to do with it, though neither of them felt quite up to the task of approaching Kerry on the subject.

The two younger women made idle chat while Kerry silently poked at the food on her plate. The more bites she took the less appetizing it became, but her stomach was beginning to settle, grateful to have some food within it. 

“Sorry I’m late.” Elizabeth was slightly out of breath, obviously having moved hastily through the cafe to catch up to her lunch party, and she all but froze as she noticed the new addition to their table.

“We just sat down,” Abby gestured to the open seat between herself and Kerry and Elizabeth placed her tray in the open spot.

“This is a surprise,” Elizabeth said to Kerry as she settled, cracking her soda open. “I don’t remember the last time I saw you eat in here.”

Kerry smiled weakly, returning unenthusiastically to the glop of chicken and vegetables on her plate. When it was obvious she would be offering no addition to the conversation, the women around her tentatively began their semi-frequent weekly catch up. Kerry tuned in and out, but talk of Ella perked her up slightly.

“We’ve certainly hit the terrible twos,” Elizabeth laughed around a bite of her sandwich. “I spent most of last night cleaning spaghetti sauce off of my kitchen cabinets.”

“Oh my god, I don’t know how you handle that and work; I could barely keep it together when I had Little Suzie.” Susan shook her head, taking a swig of soda.

“It’s not easy, and I do everything I can to avoid constantly passing her off into the arms of a nanny but… it’s hard.” The sad smile finished the statement in each of their minds - it was hard without Mark. Elizabeth cleared her throat. “Oh enough about me, beguile me with the tales of newly married life.”

“There aren’t that many  _ tales _ to tell you about. We catch each other here when we can-” Susan raised her eyebrows suggestively and Abby laughed, knowing exactly what Susan was hinting at. “But we’re both so busy I don’t get to see him out of the hospital much. It’s hard with us both working jobs with such crazy hours. You know what I mean, Kerry.”

It was another attempt to tether Kerry to the present moment. She nodded again, keeping her eyes trained on her plate of food. The other women exchanged nervous glances - Kerry wasn’t often without an opinion.

“John and I have a hard enough time trying to figure out our schedules and we work in the same place, I can’t imagine trying to make it work with a firefighter or a paramedic.” Abby added when the silence went on a little too long.

“Speaking of Carter, when is he going on his trip?” Elizabeth asked.

“He’s actually postponing it, he’ll probably go next year.” Abby was at once relieved and nervous that Carter had decided to stay. Their relationship had been rocky at best and she had been getting used to the idea of a few months without him.

“Really? He seemed so intent on getting back there.”

“Yeah, he decided to stay to help out in the ER while Kerry is out on maternity leave.” Abby added, venturing a glance at Kerry, who again seemed deeply lost in her thoughts. “I was pretty proud of him, actually, it was surprisingly selfless.” Elizabeth and Susan chuckled at Abby’s slight dig at Carter.

“How is everything going, Kerry?” Elizabeth was the one to finally take the plunge, yanking Kerry out of her head again. “With the baby, I mean.”

“Fine,” Kerry’s smile didn’t quite reach her eyes and she fiddled with her fork.

Elizabeth turned slightly in her chair to face Kerry. “Are you sure? You seem overwhelmingly distracted today.” 

_ Leave it to Elizabeth to keep pushing _ , Abby thought. She knew she’d been right to invite Kerry to their lunch.

“I uh-” Kerry began, blinking a few times as she debated exactly how much she was willing to unveil. “I  _ am... _ distracted. I… I have my amnio tomorrow afternoon, and I guess I’m a little nervous.” It was certainly not a lie and the decision had not come lightly, though for some reason unbeknownst to herself, she was still quick to defend it. “With my age and-and not knowing anything about my own genetic family history, we decided it was in the best interest of the baby. That the- the benefits outweigh the risks.”

Surprised at Kerry’s moment of vulnerability, Susan sat up a little taller. “I’m sure everything’s going to be fine, Kerry.”

“You don’t know your genetic history?” Elizabeth asked, her voice slightly hushed.

“I was adopted,” Kerry informed her bluntly, surprised that that piece of information had never made its way to Elizabeth after nearly seven years working together, though it was probably due to the fact that Mark, unlike the rest of the ER, was not one prone to gossip.

“Oh, I had no idea,” Elizabeth shook her head, though a quick look around the table told her she was indeed the only one.

“Is your appointment with Coburn?” Abby finished the last bite of her sandwich and dug into the small bag of sour cream and onion chips she’d been unable to resist at the register.

“Mhm…” Kerry picked at her food again, taking another bite and feeling a brief wave of calm float through her - just expressing the anxiety out loud was enough to settle her nerves slightly. 

“Is Sandy going to be able to make it?” Abby asked carefully. She’d definitely sensed something was not quite right between Kerry and her partner, perhaps this was the point of contention.

Kerry took a moment, chewing slowly as she finished her meal. “We’re not sure.” 

“Well if she can’t, I can take my lunch late and come with you, if you want someone…” Abby offered. She’d been present at much more sensitive moments in Kerry’s life, she was pretty sure Kerry wouldn’t be spooked away by the casual offer.

But Kerry shook her head, waving her hand dismissively. “No, no that’s really not necessary.”

“Not  _ necessary _ , sure, but…” Abby began before Kerry cut her off.

“Thank you for the offer, Abby.” Kerry had such a specific tone that made it clear the conversation was over and all three women recognized it easily. An awkward tension drifted over the table and Kerry suddenly rose from her seat, clasping her crutch around her arm, then collecting her carton of milk and napkins onto her tray. “I should get back…”

Susan reached across and touched Kerry’s tray. “We’ve got this, Kerry. We’ll take care of it.”

Taking a deep breath, she glanced quickly between each set of eyes before nodding once, very slightly, and retreating out into the hallway.

“What was that about?” Elizabeth asked once Kerry was out of earshot. Abby was still watching Kerry’s retreating figure as she moved down the hallway until she turned off in the direction of the elevator. 

“Do you think they broke up?” Susan asked, leaning in toward Abby, guiltily taking the slightest amount of pleasure in any source of gossip - the well had been so dry lately.

“No,” Abby was quick to answer. Neither of them had seen Sandy burst through the elevator doors the night Kerry had come in; they didn’t see the two of them hold each other in the dark hospital room. Abby had, and that sort of love was not something thrown away lightly. As much as she wanted to figure out what exactly was going on, she wasn’t in the mood to speculate on Kerry’s private life. She’d been party to so much of it lately that she almost felt an ownership of it, herself. Susan and Elizabeth got lost on a tangent about what exactly Susan had meant by “catching” Chuck occasionally at the hospital (“ _ exactly… _ I want details” Elizabeth had specified) while Abby took over the position of the distracted party, leaning back in her chair and debating how exactly to help someone who was so resistant to any sort of assistance. 

  
  
  


Janet glanced over the notes from the nurse on the chart in front of her while Kerry slid herself up onto the hospital bed. Kerry pulled her shirt up, revealing her stomach and shivered slightly at how chilly the exam room was.

“Why does this look like you haven’t gained any weight in the week since I’ve seen you?” Janet asked in her usual brash way, raising her eyebrows at Kerry who only slightly looked like a deer in the headlights. Pit the two women against each other in regard to a patient and those nearby took precaution, but when Kerry herself was the patient, the status levels between them were very different.

“Stress,” Kerry said simply, trying to appear unfazed as she shook her bangs out of her eyes. “Before you say it, I know I need to increase my calorie intake. I will.” 

“These things are avoidable, Kerry,” Janet put the chart to the side and started up the ultrasound machine, wheeling it closer to the gurney Kerry was stiffly reclined on. “There are so many complications that are unavoidable but malnutrition is not one of them.”

“I wouldn’t go as far to say malnutrition-” Kerry started before the nurse beside them began prepping the iodine.

“I’ll be saying much worse things than that if you don’t gain by the next time I see you.” Janet looked at the watch on her wrist, comparing it to the clock over the door. “Is Sandy coming?”

Kerry also glanced up at the clock on the wall. It was 3:55. If Sandy was going to come, she would have been there already.

“I guess not.” Her voice was small and she swallowed hard, pushing away the disappointment that flooded her chest.

“Do we want to wait? I have the smallest amount of leeway with my schedule today.” The offer was unexpected from the busy chief of the obstetrics department, but Kerry quickly shook her head.

“No,” Kerry answered, mildly surprised that her eyes remained dry. “She’s not coming.”

Just as the nurse rubbed the iodine all over Kerry’s rounded stomach and Janet began moving the doppler around, locating the best position to insert the needle, there was a light rap on the door and it opened a crack.

“Hi, Dr. Coburn,” Abby poked her head into the room. “I was… just seeing if you needed any assistance?”

Janet looked to Kerry for approval, who nodded so slightly she could have missed it.

“Sure, Abby, why don’t you take over for Chrystal. Chrystal, can you go check in with Dr. Lennix?” The nurse nodded, stripping her gloves off of her hands and exiting into the hallway. The nursing duties at this point in the procedure had been fulfilled, though Abby would be happy to help with cleaning up afterward. It was clear, but unspoken, between the remaining parties in the room exactly why Abby had been asked to stay. Janet was still locating the position of the baby on the monitor as Abby washed her hands, then joined them at Kerry’s bedside. Kerry’s eyes were trained on the monitor, watching her baby as it slightly moved in response to Janet pushing against her stomach.

“Do you want me to go?” Abby asked under her breath while Janet prepared the needle, holding it out in front of her in an almost exhibitionary way, a chill running down Abby’s spine at the length of it. Kerry peeled her eyes away from the needle to look up at Abby. Shaking her head, her hand gripped the metal safety rail opposite the OB chief. Abby looked at the monitor and watched Coburn as she found the perfect location to draw the fluid. Abby noticed Kerry’s grip tighten as Coburn began to insert the needle and Abby reached for her hand, peeling it off of the rail and squeezing it in her own. The anxiety of looking at the long spinal needle, the stress of the procedure itself, and the disappointment of Sandy’s absence threatened to overwhelm Kerry until Abby’s hand found hers and she couldn’t help returning the pressure as Abby squeezed. Once she allowed herself to embrace the comfort of Abby’s presence, the pinch and cramp of the needle was barely more than a whisper. 

  
  
  


Kerry pushed deeper into the pillow that was supporting her back and pelvis on the coach, keeping her tilted on her left side without the full weight of her body pressing onto her left hip. She’d been sure to follow Janet’s post-procedure instructions and had not left from her spot on the couch in more than four hours, save a quick trip or two to the bathroom. Abby had helped her get settled, making her a cup of tea and a sandwich before having to scoot back to the hospital to finish her shift. Kerry had tried to watch TV, but it was all much too mindless for her, letting her mind drift off to places she didn’t want to think about. Her uterus had cramped lightly at first, causing her to panic briefly, but it had settled and she hadn’t felt a cramp in hours, only feeling slightly sore around the injection site of the needle.

She’d finally hit her rhythm as she read her book when she heard keys on the other side of their front door. She knew it could not have been Matylda, their housekeeper, as she’d been the day before and wasn’t expected back for a few days. As no one else held a copy of their apartment keys, Kerry began to debate exactly how she wanted to respond to Sandy’s sudden reemergence. She wasn’t sure if she should keep reading until Sandy approached her or if she should jump off the couch and envelope Sandy in the hug she was so desperate to give her, wrapping her arms so tightly around her that Sandy wouldn’t be able to pry them off no matter how hard she tried. Deciding she was not up for any sudden or drastic movement, Kerry chose a tactic that sliced neatly down the middle between her two options and sat up, placing her book open faced on the coffee table in front of her while she waited for Sandy to open the door.

Sandy entered, stopping slightly upon seeing Kerry laying on the couch. She pulled her jacket off of herself and hung it on the coat rack before ringing her hands and venturing further into their apartment.

“Did you do it?” Her voice was gentle, regretful.

“Yes, we waited until four…” Kerry let her voice fade before she could finish - she wanted to tell her they waited for her, that she wanted her there.

“I couldn’t get out of work in time.” Sandy began, stepping closer to the end of the couch. “I tried.”

“That’s okay.” Silence hung heavily in the air for a moment before Sandy broke it.

“How’d you get home?”

“Abby drove me.”

Sandy nodded, stepping around to lean against the arm of the chair opposite where Kerry sat. “Did it go okay?”

Kerry pulled the blanket up around herself and settled back slightly into the pillow behind her. “So far.”

“Did it hurt?” They’d spoken about the procedure and she’d remembered Kerry’s anxiety at the mere size of the needle, let alone the actual procedure itself.

“For just a moment… and I cramped at first, but it stopped.” Sandy hadn’t been convinced that the amnio was worth it, especially once hearing about the increase in risk of miscarriage, no matter how slight.

“Do you need anything?” Sandy noted the empty mug sitting beside her opened book on the coffee table.

“Not anymore…” Kerry couldn’t help the sad smile that crept onto her lips; the only thing she’d needed all day was now sitting right in front of her. Kerry willed her with every unspoken molecule of energy she had to come closer, to wrap her arms around her and let her bury her face into her hair, but Sandy wasn’t getting the message and instead stayed frozen on her perch. “Did you forget something?”

Sandy’s eyebrows scrunched together as she shot her a confused look.

“Why are you here?” Kerry clarified the true meaning of her question. She was almost nervous to hear the answer.

“I wanted to check on you,” Sandy said sincerely, though she looked down at the floor. “You didn’t call.”

“You didn’t come. I haven’t heard from you in days. I didn’t think you’d want me to call.”

“I was at work, Ker. I couldn’t get out.” The defensiveness was quick, fueled by her own guilt.

“I said it’s  _ fine _ .” Kerry assured her, though the strain in her voice followed Sandy’s down a path neither of them wanted to take and Kerry quickly corrected her tone. “I’ve missed you this week.”

“I missed you too…” The brunette nodded, not pulling her eyes up off the floor. “I just needed some time.”

“I know.” Kerry’s heart began to race. She didn’t know if this was going to end with her watching Sandy retreat right back out the door. She didn’t know if she’d be able to take watching her leave again. “Sandy, I don’t know how to make it up to you. I don’t know how to apologize in a way that you’ll believe.”

“I don’t know either…” Sandy looked up to her wife finally, watching the way her green eyes glistened with a sheen of tears in the soft evening light.

“But I do know that I love you, more than I’ve ever loved anyone.” Kerry pulled at the blanket in her hands, nervously fidgeting with the soft blue fabric. “And- and I know that this week without you has been the worst week I’ve had in three years. I know that knowing that I had pushed away the best thing that had ever happened to me- pushing you away because you didn’t trust me to- to be as committed to us as you are. As proud as you are… it’s my biggest regret. Losing these last six days that I could have spent with you. Sleeping beside you. Waking up beside you. I don’t know what the point was to those six days. There is no point if I don’t have you.” Tears were spilling onto her cheeks as she babbled, her well rehearsed apology having gone out the window the second Sandy had walked through the door. 

Sandy bit her lip, resisting every temptation she had to envelope Kerry and never let her go. They had so much to talk about. They had so many things they still needed to work on. It would be a long road before they would get back to the way they were, before Kerry regained her trust, it-

Sandy was pulled out of her thoughts as she heard Kerry gasp. She looked up to see Kerry sit up quickly, her eyes trained inward as her hands quickly found their way to her stomach. “What?” Sandy asked, watching Kerry push the blanket off of herself and move her hands under her shirt, her eyes tracking back and forth in front of her. “What is it?”

Kerry didn’t reply, furrowing her eyebrows and waiting with baited breath, moving her hands mere millimeters over the base of her stomach before her eyes went wide and her breath caught in her throat.

“Kerry, talk to me, what?” Sandy rose and stepped closer to Kerry, unsure if she should instead be moving toward the phone to call her doctor, but before she could decide, Kerry reached up and grabbed her hand, pulling her down to sit beside her on the couch. She placed Sandy’s hand about an inch below her belly button, covering the spot on her stomach her own hand had just abandoned, and pressed very slightly into it.

And they waited. Until finally, Kerry’s eyes lit up and flicked toward Sandy, searching her face for any sign that she had felt it too.

“Did you feel it?” Kerry’s voice was barely a whisper and Sandy’s hand pressed again slightly into her stomach.

“Was that…” Sandy asked - she’d noticed the slightest of movement beneath her fingers, but had never felt anything like it before.

“The baby.” Kerry verified, overwhelmed by the flutters she felt within her body. She’d been feeling what felt like bubbles at the base of her stomach for a week or so, but this was the first clear movement she had noticed. Sandy let out a breath, her face breaking into a smile as she waited, her hand still beneath Kerry’s.

“Is it going to do it again?” She asked, the wonder in her voice palpable.

Their breathing quickly synchronized as they awaited another greeting from their baby, and Kerry stroked the back of Sandy’s hand with her thumb. Sandy couldn’t help but think the baby was expressing their displeasure over their parents' brief estrangement, bringing them back together in the only way an unborn child could.

“I’m going to try harder, Sandy.” Kerry began, running her free hand along Sandy’s arm. “I can’t promise that I’m going to be perfect. But I will try.”

Sandy tore her eyes from where their hands lay on her stomach and looked up at Kerry, at the face that she had been so desperate to see for days. “I missed you.”

“I missed you so much.” Their hands still in place, Kerry leaned forward and took Sandy’s lips in her own. The flutters began again under their hands and they laughed into each other, leaning into a hug only when the baby seemed to tire out and the movements ceased. From her view leaning on Kerry’s shoulder, Sandy eyed the book on the coffee table.

“You’re still reading that?” She chuckled, consciously shifting the energy in the room closer to normalcy. Kerry pulled back from her, wiping a few stray tears off of her cheek as she turned to see what Sandy was referring to. “Or are you reading it  _ again _ ?”

“No, still the first time. I’ve been a little distracted.” She added sarcastically.

“I like it.”

“You’ve read it?” Kerry couldn’t filter the disbelief from her voice, not that it was unfounded. Sandy had been quite vocal in her distaste for reading.

“No, the name. I like the name.” Sandy picked the book up, sure to keep Kerry’s spot saved with a finger as she looked at the cover. “Emma. You know, if it’s a girl. Emma’s a nice name.”

Kerry smiled slightly, watching Sandy trace the name with the tip of her finger.

“Emma Lopez.” Kerry tried out.

“Emma Weaver?” Sandy offered. 

Kerry shook her head, taking the book from Sandy - bookmark be damned - and tossed it back onto the coffee table. She pushed Sandy back onto the couch and took up her position nuzzled into her side. “We can talk about hyphenates later.” Kerry angled herself onto her left side and pulled Sandy’s arms around her, lifting her shift up and placing their hands back on her bump, waiting to see if they’d get another acknowledgement from their baby. The anxiety that had been present in her chest all week melted away before she even realized it was gone as she settled into Sandy’s arms, practically hugging their baby. This is what had been missing her whole life. This is what she had been waiting her whole life for. And she’d almost let it get away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spent five hours last night editing this and then another two hours this morning, so I really hope y'all enjoy it haha. Also, I have been having the BEST time getting to talk with you all on tumblr! I definitely have missed the camaraderie of a fandom, and ours may be (very!) small but it's certainly mighty.
> 
> I hope this chapter makes up for what I've put you all through in the last few... I really can't help it, though, angst is my default setting.
> 
> And thank you again for sharing your thoughts on my lil story with me, whether here or in your impassioned tags on tumblr; I know I say this every time but I'm so thrilled that anyone even enjoys reading this, let alone takes the time to give me feedback. You're all stars.


	17. Recovery Day

Saturday had quickly become Kerry’s favorite day of the week. For one, it was the one day she had completely off and, more often than not, was  _ not _ called in to the ER and was actually able to enjoy a full day of pure rest and relaxation. The 24 hours were always fully appreciated, especially at 23 weeks pregnant, when, according to what Sandy had read in her baby book that broke down the pregnancy by week, the baby in her stomach had officially hit 1lb, now about the size of a papaya. She was certainly feeling the growth and it was beginning to impact her mobility more than it had before, as the additional weight and the continued shift in her center of gravity was throwing off the well-rehearsed partnership she had with her crutch. Saturdays were indeed very well appreciated recovery days.

Sandy’s schedule had shifted to two 24 hour shifts a week, from which she usually returned around 6am Saturday mornings. She’d crawl happily in bed beside Kerry, wrap her arms around her from behind and sleep contentedly until noon. Kerry occasionally joined her in sleeping late, if their normally very active baby also decided to partake in the additional hours of sleep. Sometimes, however, the baby was so active in the early morning hours, that Kerry would be awake by 7am no matter if she had to work or not.

This morning, however, the family of three slept in gratefully. It was well after 12pm when Kerry lazily opened her eyes, feeling Sandy’s soft arm draped around her waist, her hand resting on her stomach. She wondered if the kicks she could feel were hard enough to stir Sandy awake but couldn’t wait too long to find out, slipping out from under Sandy’s arm and rising out of bed. She collected her crutch from its spot leaning against her bedside table - even short jaunts like the one to the ensuite warranted assistance from her crutch these days - and made her way into the bathroom.

She was looking forward to the day she had planned for them, though with half of the day already passed by and her hip throbbing as much as it was before she’d even gotten out of bed, she thought it best to scratch her plan for a walk through the park. They’d been enjoying their frequent strolls through the nearby park again, as Chicago always seemed to glow by mid-May. It was June 8th now and the weather was still picturesque, but the Chicagoans knew what was coming as they prepared for the microwave that was the city in the summer. She’d been looking forward to their walk, knowing that their favorite coffee place would be bustling with families and the obnoxious college kids that normally lined the sidewalk patios would be long gone, the school year having ended a few weeks previous.

Kerry winced and stopped on her way to the kitchen, reaching down and rubbing her hip. She’d avoided the hydrocortisone shot for as long as she could, but work was becoming nearly impossible, let alone just every day movement. Kerry sat heavily at their kitchen island, opting for a quick break before starting Sandy’s coffee. Over the last few weeks, Kerry’s stomach had begun to revolt against the idea of even the decaf coffee she had been drinking, and while at first her brain heavily protested the sudden caffeine withdrawal, these days an herbal tea did the trick, finding comfort in keeping with the routine of having a warm drink to sip each morning with Sandy.

The day before had been a long and taxing shift, Kerry gently reminded herself when her hip viciously protested as she pushed herself up and limped heavily to the coffee machine. John had been out sick, leaving them an attending short. Abby had seemed off her game as well, leaving them what felt like about half a nurse short, though truly making a difference in the way traumas were run throughout the day. By the end of her shift, Abby was coughing more than she was speaking and Kovač eventually talked her into going home early, granted it was only about 20 minutes before her shift was up by the time they got her to concede.

One errand Kerry did want to add to her day was stopping by Abby’s apartment and dropping off some soup for the two of them. They had both done so much for her over the last few months, she certainly wanted to repay the favors.

Though the smell of the coffee grounds turned Kerry’s stomach briefly, all was forgotten as she felt warm hands wrap themselves around her center, pulling her back into a cuddly embrace.

“Good morning,” Sandy whispered in her ear, kissing her cheek gently before her hands traveled downward and settled on Kerry’s stomach, “and good morning to you.”

Kerry smiled as she melted into Sandy. It had been about four weeks since Sandy returned home and in that time they’d worked very hard on their relationship and their communication - every day doing something new to bring them closer. Sandy had listed every issue that had plagued her and Kerry had opened up about a lot of her deepest fears. They’d taken a lot of time to ask each other difficult questions and in doing so, they each began to make a little more sense to the other and discovered more about themselves than they’d expected, Kerry especially. Sandy was right, Kerry still had a hard time standing strong and proud and declaring her sexuality, though Kerry swore it stemmed from her difficulty with intimacy more than any possible deep seated homophobia. Kerry had never been one to discuss her private life, even when she was in heterosexual relationships, but Kerry knew pride was very important to Sandy and vowed that she would go into such conversations with the intention of not shying away from her truth. So far, however, it hadn’t come up. Kerry hadn’t seen Alderman Bright since the press conference, Romano having taken a special interest wherever the alderman was concerned, and Kerry spent most of her time bouncing between the ER and dealing with coworkers who already knew that her baby would have two mothers. She did have a surprise for Sandy, though, and hoped Sandy knew it came from a genuine place and not just as a direct reaction to the conversations they’d been having.

“How did you sleep?” Kerry tilted her head back to reciprocate Sandy’s kiss.

“Pretty good,” Sandy replied, finally releasing her hold on Kerry and turning to grab her mug out of the cabinet. “Baby was pretty busy this morning, wasn’t she?”

“You could feel her?” Kerry limped slowly back to the chair at the island, sinking onto it with a slight wince.

“Yeah, I was up, just wasn’t ready to admit it yet. It took me a while to fall asleep when I got home.” Sandy pulled the carafe out of the machine and gratefully filled her mug, topping it off with a splash of half and half and sipping at it before she even set the carton of cream back on the counter.

They asked each other how their shifts had gone, discovering that they’d both had a slightly more stressful day than was typical, and soon Kerry moved their conversation into the living room where she could recline on the couch with the rice bag she had heated in the microwave. 

“Getting bad, huh?” Sandy asked as she watched Kerry settle on the couch, pressing the hot compress into her side.

“Well, it’s not getting  _ better _ ,” Kerry snapped, though Sandy knew she was frustrated at the circumstances and not at her.

“Anything I can do?”

“Short of putting me down?” Kerry laughed then, leaning her head sideways against the pillow on the back of the couch. 

“Maybe we should have just gotten a dog.” Sandy laughed, tucking herself in between Kerry and the arm of the couch, flicking on the TV to catch a few minutes of whatever midday talk show was on as she sipped her coffee.

“I had a dog.” Kerry leaned back against Sandy, letting her eyes close, though she knew that was a dangerous move - laying back against Sandy was one of her favorite ways to nap these days. 

“When?” Sandy had not heard Kerry mention any past pets, let alone a dog. She certainly never struck Sandy as a dog person.

“When we were broken up, years ago. I got him from the ER, he practically followed me home. But I couldn’t take care of a dog, not with my schedule. I gave him to Matylda.” Kerry’s voice almost purred as she melted into Sandy. 

“The cleaning lady?” 

“Yeah, he fell in love with her and she said her kids had been begging for a dog. I think he’s happy.” 

Kerry let herself drift in and out while Sandy watched a rerun of some 80s comedy Kerry didn’t recognize, appreciating that the baby was particularly still at this time of day. Of course, at night when she was trying to sleep, the baby was very active and seemed to be moving endlessly, but spent most of the day lulled into a calm stillness by the movement of its mother. 

Soon, Kerry was asleep and Sandy quickly slipped out from behind her, propping Kerry’s head up on a pillow before running off to take a quick shower. She knew she’d catch hell for letting her fall back asleep, but Sandy figured any sleep they could get these days they would be begging for soon enough when the baby was here. Besides, watching Kerry napping peacefully on the couch did all sorts of things to Sandy’s heart, and she gasped a quick breath in when it hit her how lucky she felt. Every few days she was reminded of how incredible this life had turned out to be.

Sandy was drying her hair when Kerry emerged from the living room, a grumpy look plastered on her face.

“It’s two o’clock.” She grumbled, moving to her side of the bed and sitting down, grabbing her hairbrush off her bedside table to tame her nap hair.

“So what?” Sandy quipped back, hanging up her towel and slipping into her clothes. She watched as Kerry threw her hairbrush on the end of the bed and began stripping out of her pajamas, the scowl on her face never fading.

“It’s  _ two o’clock. _ ” Kerry repeated and Sandy couldn’t help chuckle, though she tried to hide it by turning back to the bathroom and combing through her hair with her fingers, pinning the sides back and out of her face.

“Did you have some big plans today that I was unaware of?” Sandy asked over her shoulder and through the door frame, where she could barely make out Kerry buttoning her blouse from across the room.

“No, but I would like the option to make some plans! I would like to be conscious on my days off!” Her griping was not one bit surprising to Sandy who merely reentered the room and handed Kerry her crutch from where it was propped against the bed as she pulled her maternity jeans up around her waist.

“Well, what plans do you want to make? How do you want to salvage this perfectly wasted day.” Sandy mocked her right to her face and Kerry’s temper was no match. She bit her lip to keep from breaking out into an involuntary smile.

“Stop it. I’m mad.”  _ Sometimes the Chief of the entire staff at County General Hospital could sound like such a big baby, _ Sandy thought with a smirk. “I wanted to bring some soup over to Abby and John. They were sick yesterday.” Kerry relented finally, her voice softening.

“Are you planning on making the soup?” She definitely did not think Kerry was up to standing in a kitchen making anything and knew her own skills in the kitchen were certainly not up to Kerry’s standards. Kerry seemed to have the same thought process, moving out of their bedroom and into the kitchen where she collected her purse. Apparently they were leaving very soon.

“No, I thought we’d pick some up to-go from Alexanders.” Alexanders was a Mom and Pop diner a few blocks over that they frequented many a night after work as it was open 24/7 and had the best comfort food either of them had ever found in a restaurant. Kerry was very familiar with their soup after the first trimester of her pregnancy.

“Right now, I take it?” Sandy followed Kerry as she moved throughout their apartment collecting her own purse, sweater, and slipping on her shoes. Soon, Kerry was waiting in the car as Sandy ordered a large chicken noodle soup to-go at the counter, adding two cinnamon buns for themselves to her order. She was never able to resist their homemade cinnamon buns.

Kerry, after a call to the admit desk upon realizing that she did not actually know where Abby lived, soon was wincing her way up a two floor walk-up to Abby’s apartment. Sandy had stayed behind in the car, riding it around the block a few times after they had been unable to find parking.

The doorbell rang and Kerry waited a few seconds before ringing it again. _ Perhaps Abby isn’t home _ , Kerry thought, beginning to turn away and prepare herself for the decline down the stairs before the door behind her opened a crack.

“Dr. Weaver?” Abby asked, her raspy voice not hiding her shock at seeing her boss standing in the hallway.

“Abby,” Kerry turned back, her eyes finding Abby’s as she unlocked the deadbolt and opened the door further. She had a lit cigarette in her hand and held it back away from Kerry as Kerry subtly peeked around her into the dark apartment.

“What are you doing here?” Abby leaned against the door, putting her free hand in her pocket. Kerry had never been to her apartment before and Abby couldn’t help feel uncomfortable and unprepared - her house was a wreck and so was she, she didn’t exactly want Kerry to be witness to any of it.

“I brought you soup,” Kerry held up the carry-out bag, stiffly moving toward Abby, inviting herself into the apartment. Abby moved to the side and let Kerry in, self consciously pushing her messy hair out of her face and, once shutting and locking the door again, running around picking up what she could. “There should be enough here for you and John to each have a bowl or two.” Kerry set the soup container on the counter, silently noting the few empty beer bottles that littered the room.

“Thanks… you didn’t have to do that.” Abby finally finished her frantic tidying and was now standing at the edge of the kitchen, folding her arms in front of her, taking a subtle drag from the cigarette and blowing it away from the kitchen into the hallway.

“Oh please, after everything the two of you have done for me lately?” Kerry opened the lid of the container and began to search for bowls. “You should eat this while it’s still hot.”

“Actually, you know what, Kerry, I actually just ate lunch so I’m good right now, but I’ll definitely have it for dinner.”

“What about John? Is he asleep?” Kerry asked, turning to face Abby. Kerry, self admittedly, could be a very untactful person, and it hit her very suddenly that she had practically burst into Abby’s apartment without invitation as Abby herself stood uneasily in the entrance of the kitchen, like a guest in her own home.

“Uh - no.” Abby half-answered Kerry’s question, taking another drag off of her cigarette. “He’s not here.”

From Abby’s inflection and energy, the subtext of the situation seeped into Kerry’s brain and suddenly she felt very uncomfortable. “Oh.”

“But, uh, thanks for the soup.” Abby clearly was trying to be kind but was in no mood for company. She coughed into the crook of her elbow, whether or not it was slightly forced for effect, neither of them truly knew.

Kerry nodded, wringing her hands together. “Of course.”

They each stood in silence for a few moments, deciding exactly where to go from here. Kerry collected the handle of her crutch and moved toward Abby slightly.

“Are you… are you both okay?” Before this year, Kerry very rarely spoke about her life outside of the ER, and perhaps the only person more reticent about their personal life than herself was the young brunette standing in front of her.

Abby nodded, exhaling a cloud of smoke over her shoulder. Kerry moved a couple steps toward the front door, hoping Abby would relax knowing she soon would be left alone again.

“If you… I mean, if you ever need to talk about anything, Abby, I hope you know that you can call me.” Abby had been such a source of comfort for Kerry in one of the most traumatic times of her life, she sincerely, deeply hoped that Abby knew she would return the favor.

Abby again nodded, a tight smile on her lips holding back any emotions that threatened to slip out. She looked down at what was left of the cigarette in her hand, rolling it gently between her fingers as Kerry glanced at her one last time and muttered a goodbye, opening the door and bracing herself for the descent down the stairs.

The timing aligned perfectly as Kerry emerged onto the sidewalk just as Sandy rounded the corner, about to circle the block again. She pulled up to the curb and Kerry lowered herself into the car gently.

“How are they?” Sandy asked absently, looking over her shoulder as she merged back into traffic.

Kerry pursed her lips. She hadn’t gotten any solid answer from Abby about what was going on aside from the fact that Carter was not around, but Kerry knew that although smoking was not Abby’s favorite vice, the beer bottles littering the kitchen raised more of a red flag.

“I’m not sure.” Kerry answered honestly, fidgeting with her crutch as it leaned against her leg in the car. The last thing Kerry wanted to do was pry, but the knowledge that Abby might be drinking again weighed heavily on her mind for the rest of the night.

  
  
  


A few hours later, Kerry and Sandy were each taking advantage of the remainder of their day off. Kerry was again spread out on the couch, finally nearing the end of  _ Emma _ \- which she had enjoyed just as much as she thought she would. Though it did not surpass her love for  _ Mansfield Park _ , Kerry still looked forward to continuing to work through Jane Austen’s body of work. Sandy was beside her in the recliner watching a college basketball game, nursing one of the IPAs she had picked up from the gas station on her way home a few days previous.

The doorbell rang, disturbing their cozy peace and Kerry made a slight move to rise before Sandy stopped her. She missed the smirk on Kerry’s face as she jogged toward the door, opening it to reveal a young delivery boy with two bags of takeout food.

“There’s a tip for him on the table there,” Kerry called over the back of the couch, pointing to the table beside their door where a $20 bill sat. The teen looked thrilled at the large tip and thanked them with a wide smile before bounding back down the hallway. As soon as Sandy closed the door, the scent of the takeout filled their apartment and Sandy knew exactly what Kerry had done.

“Is this from that barbecue place?” She said excitedly, moving into the dining room to set the bags down so she could inspect them further.

“The one you stood me up at, yeah,” Kerry joked from her position in the living room. She was not about to eat messy barbecue food on their new couch so she was willing herself to rise from her spot, but the flights of stairs at Abby’s earlier in the day had done a number on her already irritated hip and the trip to their dining table from the living room was an even more overwhelming thought than usual.

“Oooh Kerry, this looks amazing.” Sandy was practically drooling as she opened each of the takeout containers, noting the multiple wet wipe packs and, surprisingly, plastic bibs that had been placed in the bags with their order. She asked if Kerry wanted something to drink and moved to the kitchen to grab plates, non-plastic silverware, and Kerry’s requested apple juice. She returned in time to see Kerry struggling to rise off of the couch. Sandy winced, knowing that the pain must really be awful if Kerry was struggling even with the aid of her crutch. She placed their plates and silverware on the table, setting Kerry’s glass at her spot before grabbing her own beer from the living room.

Before long, they were both digging into the smorgasbord Kerry had ordered for them. Kerry happily placed the plastic bib around her neck and ate the very messy ribs with as much care as was possible. Sandy, alternatively, had sauce smeared all over her cheeks from biting into the ribs and eating too quickly to have time to clean up as she went. Kerry looked up and chuckled at the satisfied smile on Sandy’s barbecue lips.

“You better behave better than this at the banquet.” Kerry said finally, ripping yet another wet wipe pack open to wipe her hands off between ribs.

“What?” Sandy asked around a mouthful.

“The banquet, on the 21st. For  _ some _ reason, administration has been somewhat chaotic as of late and it has been delayed a few times.” She had been excited to bring up the event to Sandy, now knowing how much their absence from it had upset her throughout the years, and it had worked out perfectly that the event was being held about a month later than it normally was... though the administrative mixups she had referred to could easily be traced back to the redhead at that very table. “I thought we would go this year.”

Sandy couldn’t help the slight nagging skepticism she felt at the offer. “This isn’t just because I brought it up, is it? I don’t wanna go if you don’t really want to be there.”

Kerry shook her head. “No, you were right. It’s an important night and I’ll get to show you off to whatever staff doesn’t already know how lucky I am.”

“I thought you said your staff wouldn't want you there?” Sandy cautiously shot Kerry’s words back at her.

Kerry shrugged, picking up another sticky rib, the smallest bit of emotion creeping into her voice as she finished her thought. “I always thought they would appreciate a Weaver-free night.”

“Kerry,” Sandy began, putting down her food for the first time since they began eating. “You know how much they care about you, right?” Kerry didn’t look up, instead focusing her eyes on her food. “Abby stayed with you that whole night in March, Susan called to check on you to see how the amnio went-”

“They were being nice, they’re nice women,” Kerry nodded in agreement. Sandy tried very hard to keep the frustration bubbling in her chest from overflowing, but it was difficult to watch someone she loved so much think so little of herself, obviously feeling unworthy of any affection from those around her.

“They care about you. You need to let them care.” Sandy’s impassioned words settled as they ate in silence for a few minutes, Sandy finishing the food on her plate and digging a few onion rings out of the takeout box between them. Kerry was wiping her fingers clean again when she spoke.

“I found a cake once…” she started, chuckling in spite of herself. She’d been fairly new, still trying to establish herself, settle in, let her guard down. “It was right around the time I transferred over to County. They left it in the fridge in the lounge. I don’t think they expected me to come in early.” Kerry pursed her lips, sitting back in her chair. “There was only half of it left, but I could tell that it said  _ Weaver _ with a big ol’ red slash through my name.” It had shaken her. It was so outright cruel. She knew they never intended for her to see it.

Sandy sighed - the guys at the firehouse could be assholes in their own right, but she could just guess how Kerry had let that get in her head. “That was a long time ago, Ker. Are any of those people even still at the hospital?”

“A lot of the nursing staff… Jerry, Randi… Susan.”

“But Susan’s your friend and you guys were practically kids. You’ve grown up a lot since then.” Sandy offered, trying every tactic that came to mind to try to quell the difficult memory for her partner.

“I was older than you are now.” Kerry raised her eyebrows.

“Well, then, if we’re lucky, maybe Susan has grown up,” Sandy quipped with a straight face. “You don’t even know that Susan had anything to do with the cake.”

Kerry debated bringing up another memory, one that had certainly been a little more difficult for her to get past, but when she looked up into Sandy’s eyes, she knew that no matter what dark paths her memories would lead her down, the safety and comfort she felt from the woman in front of her would keep her from getting lost in them. “There was another time… and I let this get to me more than I care to admit. Have I told you about Doug Ross?” Sandy nodded, she’d briefly remembered the name and various instances Kerry had lamented about the doctor who had been long gone by the time Sandy was around, much to Sandy’s appreciation. At her nod, Kerry continued, “I walked in the lounge, during one of my first few shifts, and found him openly mocking me to a room full of very tickled audience members.” Kerry could still see every face in that room so clearly.

“Susan?” Sandy asked, assuming that was the link from their conversation to this particular memory. Kerry nodded, taking the plastic bib off from around her neck when she noticed she still had it on. The memories, though long passed, still squashed her appetite for the night.

“He was making fun of my voice, my work, my crutch,” she could still see the look on his face as he turned to see her standing in the doorway. Sandy’s eyebrows raised but she waited to see what else Kerry would say. “I wasn’t surprised to see that it was Doug, but the rest of the room… Doug’s wife now, Carol... and Chuny, Susan… and the more I got to know them, thinking back on it, the more it surprises me. I guess I couldn’t have expected them to stand up for me, I was new and they were friends-”

“No, Ker, they should have.” Sandy interrupted her. “They should have said something.”

Kerry shrugged. “It was all very high school, you know? Kids can be cruel… but so can adults.” Her eyes lifted to find Sandy’s and she was thrilled to see no trace of pity, just a glint of frustration on her behalf. “We’ve never talked about it, Susan and I. They apologized but it wasn’t real, it was performative. It was an obligation to make themselves feel better, but we’ve never spoken about it.”

“Do you want to?”

“I don’t think so. Like you said, it’s ancient history.”

“But it still bothers you.”

Kerry did a brief analysis throughout her body - the way the tips of her fingers had turned cold, the pounding in her chest. She’d never wanted to admit, even to herself, how much those little incidents throughout the years had bothered her, but if she couldn’t be truthful with the person sitting in front of her now, then who could she be truthful with? “Yeah. It does.”

Sandy wasn’t sure if she had any advice to offer Kerry; she’d never been there, she hadn’t lived her life. But she reached forward and grabbed her hand resting on the table and gave it a light squeeze. Kerry looked up and her face contorted slightly.

“Your hand is sticky.” She laughed, pulling her hand away and tossing Sandy a wet wipe packet. Sandy laughed, ripping open the packet and wiping her hands off, though she needed to grab a few more to get the job done. Before Sandy could wipe the spots on her face that she had missed with her napkin, however, Kerry rose out of her chair and stepped in front of Sandy, placing a finger under her chin and lifting her face up. Very slowly, Kerry kissed Sandy on her lips, relishing in the sweet flavor of their dinner before turning her head slightly and licking a spot of sauce off of Sandy’s cheek. Sandy couldn’t help her small exclamation at the feeling of Kerry’s tongue on her face.

“What are you doing?” Sandy laughed as she felt Kerry’s hands travel to the back of her head and Kerry leaned herself into Sandy.

“You know…” she began between the kisses she littered on Sandy’s face, her tongue peeking through every now and then. “We haven’t made love in almost a week. And,” she pulled back to look into Sandy’s eyes. “This has been such a good day, I really don’t want to end it on such a depressing note.”

Sandy chuckled, rising out of her chair and grabbing Kerry’s face in her hands, kissing her back. “Okay, then I say we take this somewhere a little more comfortable than the dining room.” She turned in the direction of their bedroom, holding her hand out to Kerry, willing to lead the way and knowing that Kerry would appreciate the extra support. She also knew that Kerry’s hip was getting so bad that part of the reason Kerry had instigated this moment tonight was that they didn’t know how much longer she’d be up this sort of extracurricular activity, and they might as well take advantage of the moment when it presented itself. Sandy was not going to be one to argue, she thought as she and Kerry resumed their kiss in the bedroom, Kerry sitting back slowly on the bed and Sandy carefully straddling her lap. Kerry went to work, cleaning the rest of the barbecue sauce off of the spots she had missed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhhh. If you follow me on tumblr you know what a hard time I had with this chapter. I worked on this every day for almost three weeks, but I think I finally got it. I started writing the next chapter already, when I got too frustrated with this one, and that definitely helped. Plus all of you being absolute angels on tumblr helped too.
> 
> I don't think I have too much else this time to say other than thank you for reading and I hope you like it!! It's pretty fluffy, but I think we've earned it.


	18. The American Dream

Kerry smoothed out the soft material of the eggplant colored dress as she stood in front of the mirror in their bedroom. Shopping for the dress had been a nightmare in itself, but she’d finally found one she could stand: it wasn't too clingy in all the wrong places, it didn’t feel too flashy, or too provocative in any way. The hem was modest, reaching her ankles, though there was a subtle slit up the side that reached her knee. The material wrapped around her stomach loosely, as it was a maternity dress and made precisely for those with growing bellies, and the wide neckline swooped down from her shoulders, giving a subtle peek at her  _ also _ growing cleavage (which Sandy would not stop talking about, much to Kerry’s annoyance. Kerry had even threatened to put the dress back but Sandy took it from her hands, bringing it up to the register before Kerry could stop her). 

She was nervous about the banquet for a plethora of reasons; from feeling overly exposed in a dress to encroaching on a night she had purposefully avoided for so many years, but as Sandy emerged from the bathroom in her knee length forest green halter dress, every iota of brain power Kerry had was immediately suspended. Sandy was crimping her freshly dried hair in her hands and shaking it out behind her, letting it set naturally in place. 

“You look hot.” Sandy said before Kerry regained the ability to speak, though she took the words right out of Kerry’s mouth.

“You don’t look so bad yourself.” Kerry reached for her black, formal cane, moving closer to Sandy and helping zip the back of her dress the rest of the way. Sandy moved to their dresser then, grabbing her earrings out of the small plate that rested there for such occasions, looking into the mirror while securing them onto her ears.

“Are you almost ready to go? We’re going to be late as it is.” Sandy slipped her shoes on, barely registering that Kerry had moved herself to their bed and eased herself onto it. Sandy flipped the lights in their bathroom off and began to move toward the hallway before she realized Kerry wasn’t following her. “Hello? Did you hear the word ‘late’ and short out or something?” She teased, moving toward her wife who had one hand on her cane and the other on her stomach.

Kerry looked up as Sandy approached, marveling again at the sheer beauty of the younger woman. Sandy radiated so much warmth and approachable energy that even if most people at the banquet didn’t already know her, Kerry would not have been worried about how she would get along with them all. Sandy was appealing to all genders and sexual orientations and Kerry knew that, but the flare of pain in her hip kept her from getting too excited about the night. Sandy had been eagerly awaiting the banquet, so much so that Kerry hadn’t had the heart to bring up how much more pain she had been in lately; how stepping around a gurney in a trauma the day before had almost made her sick to her stomach or that the reason she had been running so late was that she could not pull herself up from the seat in the shower, making her shower an additional 20 minutes longer than it needed to be. She knew she’d get away with not dancing - she’d blame the baby, she’d be much too exhausted for any conga lines this year - but she hoped she’d even make the walk from the parking lot.

“No, I’m ready.” Kerry assured her, holding her left hand out for Sandy to grab to help hoist her off the bed. At nearly 24 and a half weeks pregnant, Kerry was already beginning to lose sight of her feet, and with the addition of the physical limitations being brought on by her hip, she was certainly feeling much further along than six months. How she was going to feel in her third trimester… she didn’t want to think about it.

The walk from the parking lot had been just as excruciating as Kerry had prepared herself for and she gratefully sank into the very first open seat she spotted. Sandy took the sheer shawl from around her arms to hang up; they’d lucked out with a rainstorm earlier in the day, clearing the normal stickiness of the summertime air, though it left a slight chill by the time the sun went down. Kerry insisted she was just taking a breather, so Sandy helped her back to their feet and they explored the busy, bustling room as they attempted to find available spots at a table.

“Sandy! Kerry! Over here!” Susan called from a few tables over, waving until she caught Sandy’s eye. They weaved their way through an already semi-intoxicated ER staff until they found themselves at Susan’s table. “We saved you seats.” She gestured to the two empty spots across from where she sat. Sandy pulled Kerry’s chair out for her and Kerry immediately sank into it.

“Chuck, have you met Sandy?” Susan asked, smacking Chuck’s arm lightly as he chatted with Malik.

“No - hi,” he turned to Sandy as she took her seat to his right and extended his hand. Her strong grip surprised him if the look in his eyes was anything to go by.

Abby returned to her place at the table then, thanking Malik as he complimented her dress, her highlighted hair curled and cascading gently down her shoulders.

“Kerry, Sandy.” Abby said in greeting with a slight smile, setting down her drink at her spot.

“Abby,” Kerry smiled, watching as Abby sat and took a big gulp of her drink, which could have been a soda water or a vodka soda for all Kerry knew. Things had been awkward between the two of them since Kerry’s unexpected arrival at her apartment the week before, and Abby knew she had noticed the beer bottles. They’d never really spoken about Abby’s drinking problem, but she knew that Kerry had known she had sponsored John for a brief period of time. Kerry was a smart woman, she didn’t need things spelled out for her. Abby felt a tinge of shame, not relishing in the idea that she may have disappointed someone who’s opinion she valued higher than anyone else’s.

“Did you see the cupcakes they have up there?” Susan leaned over to Abby, looking in the direction of the waitstaff setting up the display of desserts for after dinner was served. Kerry watched the two young women chat and laugh together, almost getting lost in their camaraderie before a hand on her arm brought her back and she looked beside her at Sandy’s smiling face.

“Bored yet?” Kerry whispered, grabbing the hand that was still resting on her arm and playing with the ring on her finger absentmindedly. “Regret wanting to come?”

“Fat chance.” Sandy teased, squeezing Kerry’s fingers briefly before rising out of her chair. “I’m going to go grab us some drinks.”

Soon Kerry was watching her wife’s back (or, more accurately, her  _ bottom _ ) as she wound her way through the crowd of Kerry’s colleagues.

“When are you due, Dr. Weaver?” Chuck asked suddenly, trying to fill the dead air that had taken over their table for an uncomfortable few minutes. 

“Chuck, she’s not pregnant.” Susan deadpanned a whispered scolding, eyes wide and eyebrows raised into her hairline. Chuck turned red and then completely white before Kerry could save him.

“She’s teasing you,” Kerry laughed out of pity, Abby completely losing it at Chuck’s expense. “October 5th.” She answered his question as the color slowly came back to his cheeks.

“I hate you,” Chuck whispered quickly to Susan, rising out of his chair and excusing himself to the bathroom. As soon as he’d turned his back, Susan and Abby erupted into laughter.

“I can’t help it sometimes,” Susan confessed, taking a sip of her wine. “He’s just too easy of a target. He’s like Carter-” Susan began before she could stop herself. Kerry had noted the empty chair beside Abby but hadn’t thought much of it until now. 

Abby waved off the concerned faces, taking another sip of her drink, but she didn’t say anything.

Almost as if sent from God himself to save the moment, Elizabeth approached their table, the form fitting gold gown stunning every male she’d passed on her journey across the room into silence.

“Look at this group of miscreants,” she teased as she approached, pulling out the empty seat beside Abby and sitting down. “You all look beautiful tonight.” Sandy approached, then, setting an iced water in front of Kerry and taking her seat beside her, sipping her martini on her way down so as to not spill it.

“Elizabeth, do you know Sandy Lopez?” Kerry gestured between the two women, surprised when she could not remember a time over the last three years when the two might have crossed paths.

“Only by name,” Elizabeth held her hand out. “Elizabeth Corday; surgeon, but I tend to crash the ER banquets.”

“Sandy Lopez, firefighter,” Sandy noted with a smirk that Elizabeth’s handshake was more firm than Chuck’s had been. She liked the woman already.

“Well, my late-husband was an attending in the ER for nearly a decade, how did you manage to crash this party?” Elizabeth prodded, knowing the answer but wanting to hear it out loud. She leaned forward and took a sip from her glass of wine - she had obviously had a head start in the alcohol department, her words slurring just slightly.

“I know the right people,” Sandy’s eyes flashed to Kerry whose lips turned up into a slight smile, a blush creeping into her cheeks.

“If you happened to catch Romano’s press conference with the Alderman a few weeks ago… perhaps you could say that this is my  _ husband _ .” Kerry’s lame attempt at a joke made Sandy choke on the sip of her martini she had just taken, coughing into the crook of her elbow as the other women at the table watched on wide-eyed.

“Ah, I was wondering who the lucky woman was.” Elizabeth said, the sarcasm in her voice so barely evident that only Susan truly picked up on it. “It’s very nice to meet you, Mr. Weaver.”

The table erupted into laughter as Elizabeth rose out of her chair, excusing herself as she saw Haleh in the distance and wanted to go say hello. She took a few steps before stopping abruptly and turning back, leaning against the back of the chair she had just vacated. “Oh! I wanted to ask, did you get the results of your amnio back yet?”

Sandy looked to Kerry, wondering how she was going to handle such a personal question asked so publicly and casually.

“Uh - yes, we did. Everything looks fine.” Kerry’s face broke into a wide smile. “Thank you for asking.”

“Wonderful!” Elizabeth replied genuinely, leaving them with a small wave and continuing toward Haleh.

“I was surprised when Luka told me you RSVP’d, Kerry,” said Susan, taking another sip of her wine as she watched the blush begin the fade from Kerry’s face.

“It was my fault,” Sandy spoke up before Kerry could reply. “I reminded her that the opportunities to party will go down significantly in just a few months.” Kerry could swear that Sandy’s smile lit the table brighter than the candles in the centerpiece.

“That’s true!” Susan raised her glass in a mock toast. “You’ve got what, three months to go? You must be getting really excited.”

“Excited but unprepared - we still haven’t finished putting together the nursery,” Sandy continued. “I think we were both so nervous, you know… that something could still happen.”

“But we’re nearing the safety zone,” Kerry added, sitting up and doing her best to mask the grimace that accompanied the movement, the hard dining chairs doing her hip absolutely no favors.

“God, I can’t wait to have a baby around again.” Susan picked at the appetizers on the small plate in front of her. “I love the baby years, particularly when it’s someone else’s baby and you can give them back. I’ve always been so bummed that I missed so much of Ella when she was tiny.”

Sandy smiled at Kerry, relishing in the friendly, personal conversation between her partner and her coworkers, but noticed Kerry’s jaw clenched and her hand kneading furiously at her left hip under the table.

“With the amount of time Kerry spends at the hospital, I’m sure you will have plenty of baby time. We might as well make her an ID already,” Sandy joked, taking another sip of her martini, trying to make up for Kerry’s silence.

“So you  _ do _ know it’s a girl.” Abby finally spoke, engaging in the conversation for the first time since sitting down. “I wasn’t sure, and I didn’t want to say anything if not.”

The silence that fell over the table told Abby that she had just made a big mistake and her cheeks immediately flushed. Sandy’s eyes widened and she looked to Kerry who looked equally stunned.

“Oh my god.” Abby could have gotten sick right on the table, absolutely horrified at accidentally revealing the gender of their baby. She hid her face in her hands, not noticing how much pleasure Susan was getting out of the whole situation.

“How-how do you know?” Kerry asked, the pain in her hip gone for the time being, all of her focus being pulled to the panicked nurse sitting an empty seat away from her.

“The amnio, on the monitor,” Abby’s voice was muffled by her hands, her head still down, practically on the table. “I thought you knew, oh my god.”

“A girl.” Sandy leaned over to Kerry but stopped herself before kissing her, unsure of exactly the amount of PDA Kerry would be comfortable with surrounded by colleagues. But Kerry turned to Sandy, her eyes glossy with happy tears, and grabbed her face in her hands, pulling her toward her and kissing her deeply, passionately, and without a care of who was there to witness it.

“A girl.” Kerry whispered as they parted, her hand lingering on Sandy’s cheek for a few extra moments before they pulled away from each other, Kerry looking sheepishly at the small crowd that had formed behind Susan. Luka, Lydia, Randi, and Jerry all stood with different variations of shocked looks on their faces. Abby’s face had yet to recover and she took a greedy sip of her drink.

“What’s going on?” Luka asked with a laugh, observing the chaos of what he thought would be one of the more tame tables at the banquet.

“Well,” Susan started, rising out of her chair. “Abby just told Kerry and Sandy the gender of their baby without realizing they didn’t know, and now I’m going to go take Abby to get another drink.” Susan grabbed Abby by the arm and began to pull her away with a laugh.

“I am so sorry Kerry, Sandy, I really thought-” Abby began before Kerry could stop her.

“It’s fine, I promise. We’ve been saying ‘she’ for months now, it’s nice to know we were right.” The audience of coworkers was not sure they’d ever seen Kerry look so happy as she turned again and gave the somewhat speechless Sandy another kiss. Susan managed to drag Abby away - though the fact that they were going to the bar was not lost on Kerry, even in the commotion of the unexpected news - and Randi’s eyes widened as she stepped away, having thoroughly enjoyed what she’d seen and needing to tell  _ everyone _ about it  _ promptly _ . Jerry and Lydia continued in the direction they had been going in when they’d been sidetracked by Kerry and Sandy’s PDA and Luka rounded the table to give Kerry and Sandy congratulatory hugs and kisses on the cheek.

“You really did a great job organizing this, Luka.” Kerry said as he straightened up again after their hug; she hadn’t even been able to meet him halfway, the momentary respite from her pain having certainly passed.

“Last year was good practice,” he chuckled, taking a sip of his drink. “Be glad you weren’t here for that one.” Kerry had heard mumblings about the banquet the year before, something about an unstocked bar and a broken thermostat. “I’m glad you decided to come tonight, though, both of you.” He placed a hand on Sandy’s shoulder who looked up appreciatively. “If you’ll excuse me.” He smiled apologetically as an obviously perturbed Romano waved him down from across the room, and both women were grateful Luka had decided to go to him instead of the other way around. If they could get through the night without an interaction with the Chief of the ER, then they would really know luck was on their side.

Kerry grabbed Sandy’s hand, squeezing it on the table as she laughed, watching Jerry and Randi begin dancing in the middle of the room, prompting others to partner off and join them. Kerry looked at Sandy whose eyes were trained on all the giddy couples.

“You want to dance.” Kerry pointed out, a tinge of sadness in her voice.

“Nah…” Sandy shook her head, looking at her partner. “I’m good just sitting here with my wife. And my daughter.” Sandy pulled her right hand from Kerry’s and set it on Kerry’s stomach for a brief moment. Kerry’s hand found Sandy’s and she rested it on top - the baby hadn’t moved much since they arrived at the banquet but Kerry couldn’t help but think it would be a Hallmark moment if she were to move, to kick, to say hello somehow to her mothers as they so patiently waited for her. If only real life were like the movies. Kerry’s eyes found Sandy’s again, who leaned in for another kiss, their hands still on her stomach.  _ Sometimes, life is like the movies _ … Kerry thought, and the baby gave one solid kick felt without fail by both of her mothers. 

  
  
  


“I’m in, bag her.” Susan called out to the room, stepping to the side after intubating the patient. Carter was listening to the patient’s lungs when Kerry entered from the hallway.

“Where do you need me?” Her voice was strained, every step from where she had been seated at the nurse’s station had sent shocks of pain throughout her pelvis and throughout her lower back, but they’d been suddenly slammed with three MVA victims and it was all hands on deck. A nurse made a move to collect her crutch but Kerry quickly held up a hand to stop her, tightening her grip on the handle as if she’d be fought on it. She moved to the side of the bed and held onto the rail with her free hand.

“Carter?” Susan passed the question off to Carter as she held the newly processed x-rays up to the light.

“The patient has bilateral pneumothoraces, I’ve got this side.”

“Alright,” Kerry snapped gloves on her hands and began working from the chest tube tray Haleh had moved beside her but the second she leaned down another blast of pain shot through her pelvis and down her leg. Her left knee buckled and she barely caught herself with a hand on the bed, dropping her scalpel in the process. “I need a new 10 blade. Come on.” She snapped her fingers and extended her hand, breathing through the pain until a clean tool was placed in her hand. She lifted her left foot off the floor and tried to keep her hip from bending as she leaned down but the pain was too acute, too distracting. She tried to steady her breathing, to breathe deeply into her hip as her physical therapist had told her for years, but as she shifted to find her balance again, she moved in what was apparently the wrong way and the pain was so bad she actually cried out, unable to swallow her pain anymore. Everyone’s heads shot up in that moment and Kerry just looked down, holding the blade out for someone to take it from her.

“Susan, I need to step out, get in here.” She waited for Susan to come around to her side before she backed away from the patient and Carter did his best to focus while, like everyone else in the room, his concern for the older doctor was shadowing everything else he was doing.

“Is it the baby?” Susan asked over her shoulder, picking up where Kerry had left off as Kerry recovered her breath at the edge of the room.

“No,” was all she could reply, practically doubled over her left hip, the sensation in her pelvis so painful that little black spots littered her vision. It took a minute or so before her vision cleared and she was able to pull herself back to her full height. Assessing her best point of exit, she determined the closest door to her left, to the suture room, was her best bet and she limped heavily toward it. “I will send someone else in.”

Upon exiting the busy room and stepping into the empty one, she let the mask over her face disappear and she grimaced, squeezing her eyes tightly closed. Sipping a sharp breath as she limped to the exam chair, she put both hands down and leaned forward, shifting as much weight off of her legs as she could. In the week since the banquet, her hip had only progressively gotten worse to the point where standing out of a chair took so much out of her that she’d need to sit back down again. She’d been taking it easy in the ER and spent a lot of time in her office, but even sitting at her office chair was getting difficult. She’d had moments like this before, all throughout her life, where she knew her femoral head was grinding against the socket, but normally she could correct it herself. There were stretches she’d learned throughout the years that helped set her hip back into place, but recently nothing was working and it almost hurt too much to try it with the knowledge that it most likely would be inefficient. And then there was the addition of the pelvic pain, and the feeling in her pelvis was like nothing she’d experienced before, almost as if each step she took was loosening her joints until they began to pull apart. 

Kerry noted her quickened breathing and the pounding in her chest and tried to focus on taking long, slow breaths. Eventually, her heart rate slowed and the world felt less overwhelming. She very cautiously righted herself and collected her crutch handle, turning and taking a step toward the hallway.

The sensation that followed, accompanied by an audible  _ pop _ , was so extreme that Kerry didn’t know if she’d be able to explain it if she tried. The pain was white hot agony and it felt like she would fall if she were to attempt one more step. Her pelvis felt like it was ripping apart and she swallowed a painful scream. She bit her lip hard, surely drawing blood, and weighed her options. She could yell out, try to get someone’s attention, or she could lower herself to the floor. Without the energy that she expected yelling would cost her, Kerry decided the floor was her best bet.

Though how exactly she planned on lowering herself down… she wasn’t sure. She was a master of her own mobility, knowing exactly how her body moved and didn’t move, but with the new addition of her protruding stomach, Kerry did not have her normal confidence in herself and was not looking to take any risks. Kerry tried to organize her thoughts: she’d move to the stool that was leaning against the wall and lower herself down with that. Taking the most gentle step in the direction of the stool proved to be impossible and she swallowed another cry, her eyes immediately brimming with tears. She was stuck. In the middle of the suture room, balanced precariously on one leg, relieving the pain in her hip but grinding her pelvic bones together from the asymmetry. She wasn’t sure how long she was standing there before Carter came in, stripping his gloves off as he entered.

“Oh, Kerry, I was looking for you. Susan wanted me to check on you but we got caught up, we started bringing the patient up to surgery and she crashed twice. We finally got her stabilized and sent her up, though, she should be okay. I thought you’d be back out at admit by now.” His words slowed as he realized that not only did Kerry not turn around upon hearing his voice, but she hadn’t seemed to move a muscle. “Kerry?”

“John.” She bit her lip, trying to find her full voice. “Can you get Abby or Susan please.”

Carter’s eyebrows raised and he stepped closer to her back. “Are you okay? Is it the baby? I can help-”

“Carter, please, Abby or Susan.”

To Kerry’s immense relief, he didn’t fight her and she heard him turn quickly and leave through the door to trauma 2, soon hearing his raised voice through the hall. Another immeasurable amount of time passed before both Abby and Susan entered from the hallway.

“Kerry?” Susan began, walking to her cautiously.

“It’s not dislocated.” The pain was making it difficult to communicate. “I can’t move.”

Abby quickly turned to the corner of the room and grabbed the folded wheelchair from where it was tucked behind a cabinet. She shook it open and pulled it up behind Kerry, locking the wheels so it wouldn’t roll. “Hold on to us.” She and Susan stepped to either side of Kerry, Susan grabbing a strong hold on Kerry’s arm before taking her crutch and moving it out of the way.

The three women began to move together, helping lower Kerry into the chair but she stopped suddenly, shaking her head and fighting against their movement, her fingers digging into the arms of the women holding her up.

“I can’t, I can’t.” She’d suffered intense hip pain throughout her entire life but nothing compared to this moment. 

“Okay, let’s take a break.” Abby said calmly, trying to be as reassuring as she could as they supported most of her weight. She’d noticed something was wrong for the last few weeks but she’d never seen Kerry like this before. Though Kerry wasn’t actively crying, her eyes were watering from the pain and tears were streaming down her face. Abby and Susan exchanged worried glances.

“Have you been in here this whole time?” Susan asked after Kerry caught her breath. It had been nearly a half hour since Kerry stepped out of the trauma. Kerry nodded, closing her eyes as she focused again on her breathing. Just then, the baby moved, kicking a few times into her right side, and Kerry found some comfort in the gentle reminder of the presence of her daughter. She was there and she was healthy. Her baby was safe and she’d dealt with hip issues her whole life. She could handle this.

“Okay.” She said finally, not exactly feeling ready to try again but beginning to feel embarrassed by the circumstances.

“Okay, we’re going to hold on tight and we will lower you, don’t worry about doing any of the work, okay? We’ve got you.” Abby assured her with a confirming glance at Susan, tightening her grip on Kerry’s arm. They adjusted their hold, with one hand under her arm and the other at her elbow, and practically lifted Kerry off of her feet and lowered her into the chair. Kerry shifted in the seat with a gasp, the new angle not helping but the relief of getting off of her feet outweighed the new pain.

“Where does it hurt?” Susan asked, crouching in front of Kerry’s chair. It took a few seconds for the pain clouding her brain to dissipate enough to answer even for herself.

“I can’t reduce it,” Kerry wasn’t surprised to find she was out of breath. “It’s not dislocated.”

“Should we bring you up to OB?” Abby asked from her position beside the chair, as they still hadn’t gotten a clear answer from Kerry about the location of her pain. 

“No, I don’t want to go out there like this.” Kerry shook her head, gripping the arms of the chair.

“I’ll page Coburn-” Kerry went to protest but Susan stopped her. “Kerry, you can hide in here all you want but I don’t know what we can do for you that is safe for the baby, I want to get Coburn in here to look at you.” It looked like she was going to protest but finally Kerry seemed to give up, relaxing as much as she could back into the chair. Susan left to page Janet and Abby moved around in front of Kerry.

“I’m going to get you some water,” Abby said, beginning to step toward the door.

“No, Abby. Please stay.” The words were obviously hard for Kerry to get out, emotionally and physically, and Abby tracked back toward her. Things had been strange between the two women lately, between Abby not knowing if Kerry’s image of her had been affected by seeing that she’d fallen off the wagon and Kerry not knowing how to go about addressing any of it, but Kerry’s plea for her presence warmed Abby slightly. She pulled the rolling stool out from next to the wall and sat on it, reaching her hand out and grabbing Kerry’s forearm, rubbing it comfortingly. 

  
  
  


An hour later, Kerry was now situated on a gurney in the suture room, much to her resentment. Coburn had been paged and, after an examination and an ultrasound, had instructed Abby to call Sandy to pick her up. In true Kerry Weaver fashion, she had argued with Coburn’s decision to send her home, all the while still practically writhing in pain on the gurney. Ultimately, she didn’t have a choice and Sandy was called from the front desk, where Kerry could not do anything about it.

“Dr. Coburn, we need you in Exam 2, the patient’s contractions have started again.” Lily poked her head into the suture room, masking her surprise at who was on the gurney with her well practiced, professional skill before leaving as quickly as she came.

“I will come back in a few minutes, and you better still be here when I do.” Janet warned, looking to Abby for confirmation. At her nod, Janet left the room.

“Sandy said she’d be here in fifteen; she should be close.” Abby said, removing the fetal heart monitor from around Kerry’s belly. Kerry’s blood pressure had raised slightly from the pain but the baby seemed to be just fine. 

“I don’t understand why I can’t just go up to my office. I’ll lay down on my couch and work for god’s sake, I don’t need to be sent home.” 

Abby raised her hands defensively. “I’m not about to fight with Coburn.” 

Kerry continued to grumble frustratedly from her position on the gurney until Sandy poked her head in the door.

“Hey, we gotta stop meeting in here.” She teased halfheartedly, coming up to Kerry’s bedside. Abby had told her that Kerry and the baby were both relatively okay, keeping her from panicking on her drive over, but she still did not like the look of Kerry on a gurney.

“Will you keep an eye on her? Dr. Coburn wants to speak to her again before you leave.” Abby said as they passed, holding the door slightly open as she stopped on her way out.

“I’m sorry, am I a child who needs babysitting?” Kerry snapped.

“Yes.” Abby and Sandy responded almost in sync. Abby dipped out of the room before Kerry could turn on her, leaving Sandy to bear the backlash of their kinesthetic moment.

“What happened? Abby said it was your hip.” Sandy pulled the rolling stool over and sat down on it.

“Of course it’s my hip; I have dysplasia and I’ve gained 15 pounds. And I have a stomach the size of a watermelon. Obviously it’s not going to be a cakewalk.” Kerry barked, puffing out a breath in punctuation. 

Sandy’s eyes widened and she pressed her lips together, trying to hold back an exasperated chuckle. She’d prepared herself for a grumpy Kerry but perhaps she hadn’t prepared hard enough. “Well… what did Coburn say?”

“She said she wants me to go home.” Kerry turned her face away from Sandy.

“For the day, for the week, until you have the baby, what?” Sandy prodded for more details, trying to keep her tone light. She loved her wife but the last thing she knew they both needed was Kerry to be bedridden.

“For the day.” Kerry was quick to reply.

“For the week,” Coburn corrected her from the door, having slipped in unnoticed. “Possibly two weeks.”

“No,” Kerry argued, squaring her shoulders determinedly and turning toward her OB. “Janet, I do not need to be home for that long. I have spent decades working with my hip, I don’t see why I suddenly would be unable to figure something out.”

“Kerry, your pelvic joint is shifting and softening, about two months too early. That on top of your dysplasia, I’m surprised you’re able to walk at all.”

“What do you mean too early?” Sandy asked, proving Coburn’s unspoken theory that Kerry hadn’t told her everything.

“It’s called SPD, Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction, it basically means that Kerry’s pelvis is doing all the right things; relaxing and softening and shifting, preparing for delivery, but it’s happening a lot sooner than it should. It’s not uncommon but not all mothers also have a hip that already doesn’t quite fit where it’s supposed to.” Coburn moved to the foot of the bed so she could address both women easily. “We had to reduce her hip and I finally talked her into a cortisone shot, which should ease the pain for a while, but she needs to rest for at least the next week. I want limited movement, absolutely no stairs, I don’t even want you getting in or out of a car after you get home today. Complete rest.” Janet raised her eyebrows at both women; Kerry avoided eye contact while Sandy looked apprehensive at best about the week ahead of her. “Kerry, if you want any chance of delivering naturally you will go home and you will rest.”

The conversations about the delivery tended to stress Sandy out, as Kerry was adamant about a natural delivery and Coburn had explained the risks in length. Kerry’s argument, however, was that cesareans were just as risky for a whole different list of reasons, and if she followed her physical therapist’s routine of stretches and exercises for her strength and hip flexors, and everyone in the delivery room knew the limitations of her left hip, she didn’t see why she should have to subject herself to such a invasive surgery and months of recovery. Kerry tended to win arguments, so they’d all been planning on a natural birth. Therefore, Janet knew it would be her trump card in this case.

Kerry pretended to weigh her options, buying herself a few last moments in her position of power before surrendering, though she knew Janet was right. Besides, any work that she argued she could do from the couch in her office she could also do from the bed in her apartment. Mentally enlisting Sandy and Abby to collect all of her files for her, she finally conceded to her OB with a slow nod.

“Good.” Janet flipped the chart in her hands closed. “Sandy, this is where you come in as enforcer. Unless you want Kerry stuck at home until this baby is born, you need to keep her in bed.”

Sandy repressed every dirty joke that instantly came to mind and instead put her hands on her knees determinedly. “That will not be a problem.”

Janet raised her eyebrows and looked back and forth between the two women, trying not to chuckle at Sandy’s blind confidence, thankful that she was not in her position. As she moved toward the door, she added one last caveat that she knew would piss Kerry off even further, slipping it in just as she left. “I will send for a pair of axillary crutches from ortho for you to get home-” She had been prepared for Kerry’s enthusiastic denial and stopped her with a finger in the air. “It’s crutches or a wheelchair. Take your pick, Red.”

Kerry sank back into the pillows behind her with a sigh. _ What a perfectly vile day. _

  
  
  


“I’ve finally found your weakness: under-arm crutches.” Sandy said, holding the elevator door for Kerry who was very slowly and carefully navigating the front hallway of their apartment building.

“These are not easy. Especially not with all this extra weight throwing off my balance.” Kerry did have to admit - to only herself, and no one else - that the crutches did relieve the pressure off of her hip and pelvis significantly and it did make walking almost bearable. Once inside the elevator, she leaned back against the wall, pulling the crutches out from under her arms for a moment.

“I remember, I broke my leg once in high school playing baseball, I was on those things for a month.” 

“Baseball? It wasn’t softball?”

“Why, because I’m a lesbian?” The doors opened and Sandy let Kerry go first, though she quickly passed her on their walk to their door.

“No, because you’re a girl. They don’t let girls play baseball in school.”

“They made an exception.” Sandy said confidently, shooting a wink over her shoulder as she unlocked the door, Kerry still at the other end of the hallway. As the door pushed open, Sandy’s brain took a moment to process the surprise that awaited them on the other side. “Uh… Kerry?”

“What?” She muttered, very focused on the placement of her crutches as she moved toward her wife.

“Why is there a dog in here?”

“ _ What? _ ” Kerry sped up for the last three steps until she was beside Sandy and sure enough, the grey Irish wolfhound-looking mutt sat very contentedly in the middle of their foyer. “Stinky?”

Sandy shot Kerry a confused look. “You know this dog?”

“Remember, the dog I told you about? The one I got from the ER?” Kerry moved very carefully past Sandy into the apartment and Sandy followed slowly, still confused by the whole situation.

“Yeah… but what is he doing  _ here _ ?” Sandy propped Kerry’s cuff crutch she was carrying up against the wall, walking beside Kerry as added security until she reached the couch and set her crutches aside. Kerry grabbed onto Sandy’s arms and they lowered her slowly until she could lean back and swing her legs up onto the couch. Stinky had followed faithfully by their side and took Sandy’s place next to Kerry, resting his head on the couch beside her.

“I don’t know… see if you can find a note or something? Maybe a message on the machine?” Kerry shouted to Sandy over the back of the couch while she greeted Stinky, scratching behind his ear. Sandy’s intuition had been right, Kerry was not a dog person, but there was something about this particular soul that she could see herself making an exception for.

“Yup.” Sandy found the note on the dining room table beside a ziploc bag of dog food, a leash, and a few dog toys. “ _Ms. Kerry, I am very sorry but my landlord has found out about Stinky and I must return him or else I have to move. Förlåt._ ” Sandy did her best to pronounce the Swedish word that was scribbled at the bottom of the note. 

“This day just keeps getting better.” Kerry muttered; she had not expected rehoming a dog to be added to her never-ending list of things that she needed to do.

“A baby and a dog…” Sandy began, coming around and resting against the arm of the couch behind Kerry’s head, leaning down and giving Stinky a big scratch. “Now all we need is a white picket fence and we’ll be the poster family for the American Dream.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is _so long_ and I'm sorry. And somehow I managed to add nearly 800 words when I went through to edit it. What is our opinion on long chapters, would y'all rather I split them up? Or do you like 'em long?
> 
> This was another research heavy chapter, so please excuse if I got anything wrong. I spend most of my time on baby/pregnancy blogs now reading peoples' experiences and now all of my facebook ads are giving me baby fever.
> 
> I'm really looking forward to the next few chapters and I hope you all liked this one! As always, thank you for reading and sharing your thoughtful feedback in the last chapter!!


	19. Lucky

Stinky was a happy dog and he was obviously glad to be back with his person. It was undeniable, especially since with every move or sound Kerry made as she worked from her position in bed, Stinky’s tail would enthusiastically pound against the sheets. They couldn’t decide if he was anticipating a pet or just happy to be reminded of his company, but without fail the rhythmic thumping would make his owners chuckle.

Sandy was in the nursery, finishing putting up the last few strips of wallpaper when she heard Kerry exclaim from their bedroom.

“Stinky! Damnit.” Followed by the sound of falling paper. “Sandy!” Sandy finished smoothing out the air bubbles from the piece of wallpaper she was working on with a wide scraper, setting it down on and stepping carefully around the tray of glue on the floor. When she reached the bedroom, Stinky was standing on the bed, his face right in Kerry’s who, while frustrated, couldn’t help but scratch his ears. Mountains of paperwork laid around Kerry like a prayer circle, aside from a batch that now littered the ground, obviously having been tussled by Stinky’s movement.

“What happened?” Sandy laughed as she crouched down, collecting the various papers and neatening the stack before placing it on the side Stinky was not currently occupying.

“I looked at him.” Kerry laughed, giving him a few last pats before picking up the newly disorganized stack and sorting through it again. Eye contact was a surefire way to get Stinky excited and while it was difficult to avoid looking at his sweet face, especially when those big brown eyes were tempting you, Kerry normally could resist. “He’s not much of an office-mate.”

“Well if he would hang out with me in the nursery he could, but I don’t think he likes to leave you.” Sandy moved to their ensuite to wash the dry wallpaper glue off of her hands. Stinky settled back onto the bed, cuddling up against Kerry’s side and resting his head in her lap.

“I think it’s the baby he doesn’t like to leave.” Kerry stroked the top of his head, though struggled to find a comfortable position over him to rest her arms while reading through the reports, eventually resting her right arm that held the papers on his back while she laid her left hand on her stomach. She was just a few days off from hitting the third trimester, and her belly was large enough now that Kerry, who had spent most of the last week and some change in bed, normally would rest her clipboard on it and use it like a desk when signing charts. “How’s it going in there?”

Sandy had been working in the nursery since they’d gotten up that morning, as well as almost every day for the last week. When Kerry had been home-ridden, Sandy had used a few vacation days to ensure Kerry wouldn’t be stuck at home alone for 24 hours at a time when she was still struggling to navigate around with the crutches. When Abby had dropped off the paperwork she’d collected from Kerry’s office, she’d also brought along a wheelchair “borrowed” from the ER. While Kerry had made a stink about it at the time, it had come in handy on the days walking was nearly impossible. She’d had good and bad days though, and today seemed to be right in the middle. She’d showered, with Sandy’s help, but got right back into bed, knowing that she had work to finish and sort through before Abby dropped by after work to collect what she’d done and drop off new files.

Kerry was doing what she could from home, but luckily Anspaugh had stepped back into the interim Chief of Staff position while she was out. She really didn’t mind working from home, however, as there were significantly less interruptions than in her office - save the occasional Stinky mishap. 

Sandy, on the other hand, was counting down the days until they both went back to work. As much as she loved Kerry, the round the clock time together was starting to drive her mad and she was desperate to get back on the job, her body missing the adrenaline rush of going out on a call. She had managed to get a lot done in the nursery in her time off, which relieved some of the stress they had both been feeling about the looming work ahead of them. The toy train wallpaper was up and they’d reframed a few photos they’d ordered from the baby supply catalogues that came every week; Kerry’s limited mobility had put a damper on the trips to the baby stores they’d planned on, but while they were doing most of their shopping over the phone, they still had a standing date for one of Kerry’s good days to go into the city and walk through the expensive baby boutiques that they’d been eyeing during most of her early pregnancy. A package of newborn clothing laid open in the corner of the room, but Sandy was waiting to paint the dresser before they put the clothes away. That was next on her list of things to do, and Sandy moved to their linen closet to grab an old sheet to lay on the floor to keep any rogue paint drops from staining their carpet.

“I just finished the wallpaper, now it’s on to the dresser.” Sandy shook out the folded sheet to be sure it was the one she thought it was and not one they still used on their bed.

“You’re making good progress,” Kerry smiled, still occupied by the disorganized papers in her hands. “I can’t wait to see it.”

“This is the last of the painting I have to do, so maybe before you go to work on Monday.” Sandy wanted to buy herself a little more time to get the pictures on the wall and the clothes in the dresser. They still hadn’t settled on a crib, but they didn’t mind getting the rest of the room together beforehand. The crib felt like the biggest decision and neither of them could settle on the one they liked the most.

Their buzzer disturbed the calm air that had drifted back over them as Kerry went back to work and Sandy brushed through her hair to put it up and out of her face. Stinky leapt to his feet, jumping over the newly organized papers and toppling them as he went, leaping off the bed and bounding to the front door.

The papers were the least of Kerry’s worries as her hip flared at the jostled movement caused by Stinky’s outburst and she sipped a breath in while Sandy looked on, knowing there was nothing she could do to help but wishing there was.

“I’m fine, go.” Kerry said eventually, rubbing at her hip before collecting the papers around her to organize again. “It’s probably Abby with my files.”

With the thought that they’d have to train Stinky not to bark at the sound of a person at the door before the baby was born, if Sandy was right in her assumption that Kerry had decided against rehoming him, Sandy moved quickly through their apartment and was soon at the door phone.

“Yeah?” She said into the speaker.

_ “It’s Abby,”  _ Sandy heard from the other end, muffled by the sound of pouring rain, before another voice chimed in.

_ “And Susan!”  _

Sandy laughed and buzzed them in before heading back into the bedroom and collecting the few rogue pieces of paper off the floor and handing them to Kerry.

“You were right, it was Abby and Susan.”

“Susan? What is she doing here?”

“I’m not sure, they’re probably going out and doing something fun after they stop by here,” Sandy feigned ignorance, knowing exactly why Susan was stopping by their apartment. The sound of the doorbell, accompanied by Stinky’s howling, saved Sandy from exposing herself as a liar and she moved quickly to their front door. She opened the door to reveal a sopping wet Abby and Susan, shaking off their jackets in the hallway. 

“Don’t mind the dog, he’s friendly,” Sandy said as she moved aside and allowed them space to enter as Stinky assessed them, sniffing their hands before deeming them both acceptable and moving into the kitchen for a drink of water.

“Since when do you guys have a dog?” Abby asked, taking off her jacket and hanging it on the coat tree, pulling a stack of files out of her bag.

“It’s a long story. Kerry’s in the bedroom.” Sandy pointed in the direction of the bedroom before holding an arm out to Susan and moving her into the living room, to the furthest point away from the bedroom that they could reach.

“Does she suspect anything?” Susan asked eventually, plopping down in the arm chair opposite Sandy’s position on the couch.

“Nothing. And I’m still not sure if she’s going to love or hate it, but I say we go for it anyway.” Sandy shrugged, enjoying the excitement in the blonde’s eyes.

“Agreed.” Susan reached into her pocket and pulled out a beat up note that she’d written on the back of a scrapped piece of paper from the ER. “So, you don’t think August 1st is going to be too late for her?”

“I don’t think so, not if we have it here. She’ll be, what, around 30, 31 weeks? If it’s here and she has the option of abandoning the party and just going to bed I think she’d be fine with it.” They spoke in hushed tones, not wanting to be overheard by Kerry from the bedroom. They’d gotten to talking about a baby shower when Sandy had gone to the hospital to pick up the last round of files that Kerry had wanted to work on and Susan had gotten really excited about the idea. It was a little over three weeks out and they had a few last minute details, like a guest list and a registry, that they still needed to polish.

“Great. Now, is there anyone from the hospital that you think she  _ wouldn't _ want on the guest list?” Susan scribbled a few notes down on her paper, still not entirely believing that she was the one planning a baby shower for Kerry Weaver of all people. But, in a strange twist of fate, somehow over the last seven months the two of them had certainly developed a deeper connection, some would say a  _ friendship _ , that neither of them had expected. Susan was at once excited and confused to be the conspirer at the head of the surprise. 

“Aside from Robert?” Sandy and Susan exchanged a glance that insured that didn’t need to be spoken, and Sandy continued. “I don’t see the day to day bullshit like you do, but I’d say Chen and Pratt are probably off the list, too?” 

Susan nodded, having guessed those names before even asking Sandy. Neither could think of anyone else Kerry wouldn’t want that they had planned on inviting and had moved onto ideas for games by the time they heard the bedroom door open and both shushed their conversation.

“How is the new attending doing?” They heard Kerry call to Abby who was moving toward the kitchen.

“She’s fine - she’s very smart but hard to talk to. Honestly I don’t know what she wants from me half the time.” Abby called back from the kitchen where Susan and Sandy could hear her filling up a few glasses of water. She crossed back across the hallway and into the bedroom. “She’s good with the interns, though.”

“Oh, interns and med students, like Abby would be if she could pull herself together and resubmit for her clerkship in time for the  _ deadline _ on the  _ 20th _ !” Susan called out across the apartment and into the bedroom. Abby tried to shut the door in time but by the time she did Kerry had heard everything and shot her a pointed glance across the bedroom.

“You haven’t spoken to the school yet?” Kerry asked, gratefully grabbing the glass of water from Abby who sat against the side of the bed.

“No,” Abby began, taking a sip to buy herself some time. “I’m not sure if I want to go back to medical school. I like being a nurse.”

“What do you like about it?” Kerry prodded, putting aside the charts they had been discussing and leaning back into her pillows. 

“I like helping people. I like the personal side of it.”

“And you don’t think you’d get that as a doctor?”

Abby took a moment to think, scratching Stinky’s head as he laid at the foot of the bed. “I don’t know.”

“Are you worried about giving up your nursing hours? Because we can always work something out.” She knew money was the reason Abby had been pulled from her clerkship in the first place, she wouldn’t put it past the younger woman to be anxious about the financial strain.

“No, it’s not that.”

“Then what is it? Abby, you’re one of the best nurses we have at county and I know for a fact you would make a brilliant doctor.” She assured the young brunette, trying to catch her eye-line.

“Thank you,” Abby barely whispered, Kerry only understanding by reading her lips.

“Is there something else? Something else that has been bothering you?” Kerry prodded further. Abby fussed with the tags on Stinky’s collar, rubbing the cold silver tag between her fingers.

“I started going to meetings again,” she said suddenly, not looking up. She’d been meaning to update Kerry and now seemed as good a time as any. Kerry watched her facial features as she still studied the dog, petting him a few comforting times on the head again before continuing. “I know you didn’t ask but, I’m going again.”

“Good, that’s good.” Kerry said gently. “Is it helping?”

“They always help. They’re lame, usually, but they get the job done.” Abby chuckled, still focused on the dog. She looked up and caught Kerry’s eye briefly before looking back down at the less intimidating eyes that were looking back at her. As soon as there was eye contact, Stinky rose from his position at the foot of the bed and came closer to Abby, licking her face a few times before she could pull away.

“Good,” Kerry repeated before telling Stinky to lie back down. Abby wiped the slobber off of her face before she caught Kerry’s face contorting slightly, pulling them away from the current line of conversation. “Braxton Hicks.” Kerry said before Abby could ask, rubbing at the particularly tight spot on her belly. She’d been noticing the slight cramps consistently for the last week, but it was only a few times a day so she knew it was nothing to worry about. It wasn’t painful so much as uncomfortable, and Kerry tried to get their conversation back on track. “So… everything has been going okay?”

Abby debated how much she wanted to share - she wasn’t sure if she was ready to rehash the sordid details of her breakup with Carter but she knew Kerry would find out eventually. “Well, other than the fact that I sorta wish Carter was still going to Africa…” she trailed off, looking up finally at the older redhead’s face, who’s lips quirked in a slight smile.

“Yeah, sorry about that.” She said with a small laugh. Abby just shook her head, though the smile that had invaded her face never faded, and opened her bag. Kerry took the cue and picked up the folders of paperwork she was sending back with Abby. “If you could just leave these on my desk, Dr. Anspaugh should know what to do with them.” Abby nodded as she situated the papers in her bag and rose from the bed. 

“I can’t believe you have a dog,” Abby said as Stinky rose to his feet to meet her, rubbing his head under her arm repetitively until she pet him.

“Honestly, neither can I.” Kerry began, resting both hands on her belly as the baby seemed to do flips inside. “It’s a good thing Sandy likes to go on a jog with him almost every day, or I think he’d go insane with me in here.”

“I don’t know, he seems pretty happy.” 

Kerry debated for a moment, feeling the activity beneath her hands and in her stomach before finally deciding that maybe Abby would be interested. “She’s… she’s pretty busy right now.” She began, testing the waters. When Abby’s eyes seemed to look intrigued, Kerry held out her hand. “Do you want to feel?”

Abby, only slightly uncomfortable with the impending closeness, nodded and stepped closer, wondering if it would be even more uncomfortable to deny the offer. Kerry grabbed her hand and placed it on her stomach in the spot where the most drastic movement had been happening. Nothing happened for a few moments, making the silence between the two women almost painfully awkward.

“I’m sorry, she was moving like mad a few seconds ago,” Kerry began, moving Abby’s hand just slightly to the right before three solid kicks were thrust against the side of her stomach. The movements, as the baby got bigger and stronger, were starting to feel a little more intense than they had been before but the excitement in Abby’s eyes made it worth it as she looked toward her boss.

“Wow,” Abby whispered in fascination, leaving her hand there while they felt a few more smaller movements.

“It’s the weirdest feeling,” Kerry admitted. “She especially does not like those Braxton Hicks contractions, she always becomes very restless after them.” Abby pulled her hand away then as the baby seemed to still, but the smile lingered on her face. There was something about the proof of new life, the physical feeling of a little human that was being created and was soon to be earth-side, that neither of them could deny their fascination with. 

“Have you been using the wheelchair?” Abby asked, eying it in its position folded in the corner of the room.

“Occasionally.” Kerry began putting all of the papers that were still out in the various files, placing them on the nightstand to put away later. “Begrudgingly.”

Abby chuckled, swinging her bag over her shoulder and stepping toward the door. “Use it. We need you back at work before this baby starts hogging you all to herself.” With a parting smile exchanged between the two of them, Abby slipped out of the bedroom and back toward Susan and Sandy who were still convening in the living room.

“Could you hear us in there?” Susan checked, rising from the chair and moving to collect her jacket.

“Not at all, she has no idea.” Abby slipped her arms into her jacket as well, moving toward the door.

“We’re either going to surprise her or ruin our relationships with her indefinitely… I think it’s worth it to find out.” Susan laughed as Sandy walked them to the door. 

“Thank you guys for coming over and helping out. I know Kerry really appreciates it, and so do I.” 

“Who would have thought we’d see each other so often, I almost didn’t believe you existed for the first year.” Susan joked and Sandy did her best to let the innocent comment roll off of her, knowing that Susan was one of the people Kerry had hidden from at the hockey game. “I’m glad she brings you around now, you’re one of the family.” 

“Thanks, Susan,” Sandy’s heart warmed at that, waving goodbye to each of them as they left, then collecting her own rain jacket from the coat tree. 

“Come on, Stinky,” Sandy called into the bedroom, knowing it had been a few hours since Stinky had been able to relieve himself, only to hush at the sight behind the door. Kerry, with her glasses slipping down to the end of her nose, was out cold, her head leaning back against the headboard and a medical journal resting on her lap, having obviously slipped from her hands. Stinky was spread out beside her, his back resting against the length of her body. Sandy moved to the bed, carefully taking the glasses off of Kerry’s face and setting the journal to the side. 

“Kerry, you need to roll over, honey.” Sandy whispered gently, rearranging the pillows behind her and delicately rolling her on her left side, slipping a few pillows between her knees. Kerry stirred only slightly, a short snore letting Sandy know that she had succeeded in not waking her up. 

She slowly pulled off her jacket, draping it over the underused wheelchair, and crawled onto the bed behind Kerry, pulling the throw blanket at the end of the bed up around them.

At the feeling of Sandy’s head against her shoulder, Kerry tried very hard not to let herself wake up, desperately grateful for the nap. But before she drifted off again, she reminded herself just how lucky she was to have her little family, dog and all.

  
  
  


Kick.

Kick.

Kick.

Stab.

The last movement took Kerry’s breath away, what felt like a sucker punch to her rib cage accentuating the 29th definite movement she had felt since she started counting. She rolled carefully onto her back and turned her head to the side to peer at the clock: 3:23am. The afternoon nap, though delightful, had not only messed with her own sleeping schedule, but the baby had obviously napped too and was now ready to party. Kerry’s eyes were drooping until another strong kick set her back into alert and she sighed. Sandy slept comfortably beside her, laying on her stomach and hugging her pillow. Kerry envied the position, obviously no longer able to sleep on her stomach. She wasn’t allowed to sleep laying on her back, either, as it hindered not only her blood flow to the baby but her breathing, and while sleeping on her side (and her left side, at that) was the only option she had, it messed with her pelvis and hip no matter how many pillows she stuffed between her legs. Although the only logical conclusion, she had insisted, was that they strap her to the wall and let her sleep vertically, Sandy had not seemed too keen on the idea. “I’d have to drill holes in the walls and I just repainted,” was her satirical response.

She felt Stinky at the foot of the bed stretch out, his back legs hanging over the side of the bed. They’d officially given up on rehoming him, deciding that neither of them minded too much having the older dog around, which meant it was time to invest in some dog products, like a dog bed big enough for the large dog to stretch out on. Though, Kerry didn’t anticipate Stinky having a desire to sleep anywhere but in bed with them, whether or not he actually fit.

Stinky had been the perfect addition to their family that they didn’t know they needed.  _ The closest thing a lesbian couple could get to an accidental baby, _ Kerry laughed out loud to herself at the thought. She rolled back onto her left side, reaching down and shifting the pillows between her legs back into place. Kerry still hadn’t gotten used to sleeping on this particular side of the bed, but she didn’t like the restriction of not being able to see Sandy when she woke up in the middle of the night - and she woke up a lot. Even before the two weeks off, even before the pregnancy, Kerry spent a good time of each night just watching Sandy sleep, watching the rise and fall of her chest. It was fascinating to her to see a person who was normally full of so much fire be so peaceful, knowing all of that fire was right under the surface, just waiting for the morning. Kerry looked at her now, the way her chestnut curls fell in front of her eyes. Kerry pushed a strand of curls off of her face, touching as lightly as she could as to not wake her up. The last thing they needed was for both of them to be tired and cranky in the morning.

Kerry reached forward and grabbed Sandy’s hand that lay on the bed between them and let herself drift back to sleep.

Kick.

It couldn’t have been 20 minutes before Kerry was awoken again, the baby unsatisfied with the enforced nap time.

While she was tempted to check the time, Kerry almost didn’t want to know, and instead stayed in position and began counting the movements again from one.

Somewhere around thirteen, a vision popped into her head. A confusing vision, but an enticing one, and from kicks and jabs fourteen through twenty five, Kerry could not get the vision out of her mind.

“Sandy.” Kerry whispered. Nothing. “Saaandy.” Kerry reached forward and softly stroked Sandy’s cheek, hoping to wake her up gently.

“Mhh.” Sandy groaned, lifting her head slightly off the pillow before plopping it back down. Even Stinky at the end of the bed didn’t budge, it was much too early.

“Do we have any salad left?” Kerry whispered, still running her finger along Sandy’s cheek.

“What?” She murmured, her eyes still closed.

“From dinner, do we have any salad left?”

“I think so… why?” Sandy precariously opened one eye to look at her wife who was obviously wide awake.

“Craving.” Kerry said simply and watched as Sandy’s eye closed again and her breathing evened out. “Sandy.”

“ _ What _ .” She moaned, turning her head in the opposite direction of the source of the noise disturbing her.

“What about sour cream?”

“What?”

“Sour cream.”

Sandy turned her head back and lifted it off the pillow, trying to get a better look at Kerry’s face to see if she was serious or not. “Sour cream? Why?”

“I told you, it’s a craving.”

Sandy eyed her curiously, shifting to lay on her right side. “Salad and sour cream?”

“Just the lettuce. None of the veggies.” Kerry corrected, then added determinedly, “I don’t think I will be able to sleep until I have it.”

Sandy, still in her half-sleep daze, laughed, closing her eyes. “I don’t think we have any sour cream left, I used most of it in the artichoke dip and then, if I remember correctly, you ate the rest of it with your Chips Ahoy.” Sandy hadn’t been able to watch as Kerry had satisfied her sweet and savory craving with one of the most ungodly combinations she had ever seen, going so far as shutting herself in the nursery to finish her second coat of paint on the dresser. Sandy began to drift off again before Kerry spoke.

“San…” she waited for both of Sandy’s eyes to open. “Your daughter would like some sour cream. I provide all of the other nourishment for this baby, perhaps you would like to supply this one.”

“Kerry, it’s the middle of the night.”

“I tried to tell her, she really has no concept of time.” She had obviously had her answer prepared. “The bodega on 19th is open 24 hours.” 

Sandy pulled herself into a seated position, sitting on her legs and pushing her hair back out of her face. “Are you kidding?”

Kerry propped herself up on one elbow. “Do I look like I’m kidding?”

They had a brief stare down before Sandy groaned, moving off of the bed and pulling on a pair of sweatpants. “You two are ridiculous.” Sandy pulled a sweatshirt over her head as she started for the door to the hallway.

“Sandy,” Kerry stopped her and Sandy turned around slowly.

“What?” She said exasperated, still partially asleep and completely in denial about going outside into the pouring rain at 4am.

“And chocolate sauce.” Kerry added, stroking the top of Stinky’s head who had finally stood up and taken Sandy’s spot beside her.

Sandy’s eyes widened and she shook her head, not even wanting to imagine what Kerry had planned for the chocolate sauce, shutting the door behind her on her way out. 

The somewhat erotic noises Kerry was making only about forty-five minutes later would have been hard for Sandy to resist if they had not been accompanied by the monstrosity that was in the bowl in her lap. The two of them sat up in bed, Stinky having had enough of their midnight antics and moved himself to the rug on the floor. Sandy was enjoying a small bowl of vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce while Kerry, on the other hand, was enjoying (and perhaps enjoying a little  _ too much _ ) a bowl of lettuce, sour cream, and chocolate sauce. When Sandy had returned from the store, Kerry was sitting in bed with the bowl of the remaining salad from their dinner on her lap and she was picking out the pieces of lettuce among the chopped carrots, cucumbers, and peppers. Then, with a dollop of the freshly delivered sour cream and a generous squirt of chocolate sauce, Kerry’s craving was satisfied and Sandy was turned off from salads for the foreseeable future.

“That is disgusting.” Sandy said, the smell wafting to her side of the bed threatening to turn her off from her own ice cream.

“Sandy, when I tell you that this is all I wanted and nothing but  _ nothing _ would ever quench this craving until I got my hands on this exact combination of foods...” Kerry finished her thought with a moan as she took another big bite and couldn’t help but laugh at the look of horror on Sandy’s face, which gave her an idea. “Try it.”

“No. Not in a million years,” Sandy shook her head, eating her last bite of ice cream and placing the bowl on her bedside table.

“Try it!” Kerry laughed, spearing a few chopped pieces of lettuce, dipping them in the sour cream and collecting as much chocolate sauce as she could from the sides of her bowl before holding it up to Sandy.

“No!” Sandy stood up off of the bed and backed away. “I’m not trying that!”

“Come on, don’t be a baby!” Kerry taunted, holding her hand under the fork so as not to spill the contents in their sheets. Sandy just shook her head, crossing her arms, and Kerry laughed even harder. “Sandy Lopez, I never knew what a wuss you were!”

Kerry knew exactly what she was doing and saw the spark in Sandy’s eye light up as she bit her lip, obviously tempted to take her up on the challenge. They each waited to see who would fold first, but in true Kerry Weaver fashion, she was prepared to hold out all night (which, in actuality, was only a few hours). Eventually, Sandy pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes at her wife. 

“I cannot believe you’re making me do this.” She said, climbing back onto the bed and grimacing as she opened her mouth and Kerry fed her the forkful. Sandy groaned, chewing and swallowing as fast as she could to get the taste out of her mouth. “Kerry, that is  _ disgusting _ , oh my  _ god _ .”

Kerry laughed as she watched Sandy retrieve her ice cream bowl and scrape it clean, hoping to have something salvageable to wash down the leftover taste that the sour cream and chocolate sauce combination left in her mouth.

“Oh I wish this had been the weirdest thing I’ve craved… did you know that on my way to work a few weeks ago I got an eggs benedict to-go from Alexanders and ate the hollandaise sauce with a banana at my desk.” The idea of it tempted to turn her stomach now but at the time it was the most incredible delicacy she had ever tasted. Sandy faked a gag, throwing herself into their pillows behind them and covering her ears.

“You really can’t tell me these things so close to bedtime.” 

“I can’t help it if Olivia likes it.” Kerry set her now empty bowl on her own bedside table, then placed both hands on her belly. Sandy sat up.

“Olivia, huh?”

“Yeah, I thought I’d try it out.” The baby must have known she was the topic of conversation because she began to get active again.

“I still really like Emma.” They’d floated that name for a few weeks since Sandy had noticed Kerry’s book and Sandy had started to get attached to it.

“What about Margaret?” Kerry asked, situating herself back against the pillows, her hands rubbing her bump.

“No, veto.” Sandy shut down the name choice, turning on her right side and holding her head up with her hand.

“You already vetoed Mary, you can’t outright veto Margaret with no conversation.” Kerry said seriously around a smile.

“Kerry, we are having a baby not a 60 year old white woman.” Sandy quipped.

“Hey, what’s wrong with 60 year old white women?” Kerry raised her eyebrows.

“Our daughter has to have the perfect name.” Sandy said, cozying into the pillow behind her head and hugging it. “And I guess we can save Henry or William for next time, huh?”

Kerry’s eyes widened and she would have shot up into a seated position if she thought she wouldn’t suffer the consequences of such sudden movement for days afterward. “I’m sorry, _ next time? _ ”

Sandy laughed at Kerry’s reaction, reaching out and brushing some stray bangs out of Kerry’s eyes. “What, you don’t want to do this again?”

“Ask me again in three months.” Kerry quipped back, though she knew logically this would most likely be her one and only baby from her own womb. If Sandy was serious about wanting more kids, she would have to change her mind about carrying them herself or they would have to start the adoption process tomorrow if they wanted one within the next few years. Kerry wasn’t sure if not only her body but her mind could go through the process again.

Sandy rolled onto her arms and crawled closer to Kerry, gently laying her head on the side of her belly. “Do you know that at 27 weeks their ears are fully developed; that she can start to recognize voices? Can you believe that?”

“I still can’t believe you’re reading a book,” Kerry laughed, stroking the back of Sandy’s head as she began to talk to the baby.

“I think it’s about time I officially introduce myself,” Sandy ignored the kind-spirited joke, instead putting both hands on Kerry’s stomach and speaking directly to the baby. “Hello, baby, this is your mother. Well, one of your mothers. And I am very excited to meet you. I will make sure you are not raised like a 60 year old white lady.” They both laughed as the baby responded to the new stimuli with a few more kicks. “I hope you have red hair like your other mom and my sense of humor.” Sandy began listing attributes in a goofy voice until she noticed Kerry’s expression turn from joyful to solemn. She stayed in her position at Kerry’s belly but reached a hand up, placing a finger under Kerry’s chin and lifting her head to make eye contact. “Where’d you go?” She asked gently.

Kerry took a deep breath, the sad smile not leaving her face. “I’m just… thinking about…” Kerry tried to organize her thoughts, as there were a lot happening at the same time. “How much I wish she’d have  _ your _ hair,” she began lightly. “How… I hope she lucks out and gets her height from the sperm donor, and… how the thing she is most likely to inherit from me is the dysplasia. She has a higher chance of that than getting my red hair.” Kerry bit her lips and flashed her eyes toward Sandy, who could see how much the admission of her fear cost her.

“But you said that it looked fine in the last scan,” Sandy sat up on her knees so she could face Kerry head on, concern creeping into her voice.

“No, it did, it did,” Kerry assured her. “But she still hasn’t changed positions and breech babies are more likely to develop it. Then there’s the fact that she’s a girl, that she’s a first born, that she has it in her family history…” 

“Kerry, isn’t it a little early to be worried about her being breech? She has time.”

“I know,” she nodded, the sad smile reappearing. “I still worry.”

“Well, maybe she will get your red hair, my sense of humor, the sperm donor’s height, and have a perfectly formed hip socket.” Sandy smiled at the clunkiness of the sentiment. “She’s been pretty lucky this far, I wouldn’t put it past her.” Sandy leaned back down to Kerry’s belly. “Aren’t you? You’re a lucky girl.” Sandy tenderly placed little kisses on Kerry’s belly over the movement they could both feel. “ _ She’s so lucky, she’s a star, _ ” Sandy began to mock sing, “ _ But she cry-cry-cries in her lonely heart thinking- _ ”

“What is that?” Kerry laughed, Sandy’s breath leaving her belly warm beneath her light pajama top.

“Lucky?” Sandy said with surprise, as if Kerry should know. “By Britney Spears?”

Kerry shrugged, shaking her head. “Never heard it.”

Sandy laughed, putting her forehead down on Kerry’s belly. “You really are old.”

“Hey!” Kerry exclaimed, lightly hitting her on the shoulder. Sandy laughed even harder, lifting herself up and shifting until she was in reach of Kerry’s face.

“That’s okay, I like older women.” Sandy said suggestively, pulling Kerry in for a passionate kiss. Kerry laughed into her and they dissolved into a mess of giggles and kisses until they eventually fell back asleep in each other’s arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise!! Early update this week. I couldn't help myself, this chapter is so ridiculously fluffy I needed to share it before I exploded.
> 
> Also, the nap scene at the end of the first section was entirely inspired by the adorable art done by @waterloo-kitchener on tumblr of a very pregnant Kerry napping with Sandy. I couldn't get the image out of my head and this seemed like the perfect place to put it, so thank you for the inspiration!
> 
> Another long chapter, enjoy!! Thanks again to all of you lovely humans who let me know your thoughts, here and on tumblr, I so appreciate it and it keeps me motivated!


	20. Hold On Tight - Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't post last night so as not to add to the anxieties we were all feeling (as I said on tumblr, this chapter is anxiety inducing), but tonight feels more manageable. I hope we all survived Nov 3 and are continuing to stay safe, no matter what happens.

“Do you feel that?” Kerry asked, grabbing Sandy’s hand and placing it on her contracting belly, another Braxton Hicks contraction tightening her insides, freezing her in place amid their early morning, pre-work bustle. Sandy felt as Kerry’s stomach stiffened under her hand, looking up into her eyes with mild concern.

“Does that hurt?” She asked, grateful once again to not be in Kerry’s shoes.

“It doesn’t hurt but it’s not pleasant.” Per usual, the contraction subsided after around 40 seconds and they continued their way back into their bedroom from the kitchen. Kerry had been back at work for a few weeks since her SPD incident and aside from the first Braxton Hicks contraction of the day, she was feeling relatively good, all things considered. The upcoming weeks involved mostly preparation for her maternity leave and today she had scheduled one last round of meetings with all of the department heads. She wanted to make sure everyone knew how involved and aware she still was of all the accomplishments as well as the struggles that had happened over the last few months and she wanted to be on the same page with everyone as far as the futures of their departments were concerned, all the while ensuring them that her maternity leave did not mean she wouldn’t know what was going on while she was gone. 

“How do you know that’s not labor?” Sandy asked, striping out of her pajamas and throwing on her work uniform. Until she took her two weeks off, Sandy hadn’t realized just how much she craved the adrenaline that came with her job. The most exciting thing she had done in her time off was spill the white paint for the dresser on the carpet in the nursery and have to clean it before Kerry found out. She pushed her arms into the sleeves of her white button up uniform top as Kerry sat on the bed, pulling on her suit pants underneath her bathrobe.

“Well, I’m told labor _hurts_ .” She began, leveraging herself up with her crutch and pulling her pants up the rest of the way. “And this doesn’t hurt. It only happens a few times a day and there are _hours_ between contractions.” She fastened her bra and spun it around, pulling the straps up around her shoulders as she pushed away her robe, frustrated that she was about to outgrow yet another bra. She pulled a tank top on over her head, stretching it out over her stomach before grabbing the new support belt she’d just torn from its packaging. It was meant to be worn over her clothing but there was no way Kerry was going to show off the new garment at work, happily burying it beneath a button up maternity top and her suit jacket. She strapped it around her waist and was impressed at the immediate change in pressure in her pelvis, pulling the top strap tightly from the right side and securing it over the top of her belly onto the velcro on the left side.

“But you’d know if it was labor?” Sandy clarified, buttoning her shirt as she watched Kerry from across their bedroom.

“I think so.”

“And all these contractions now, they don’t mean you’ll go into labor soon, do they?” The concern in her voice grew more evident as she went on, knowing preterm labor was something Kerry, as an older mother, was at high risk for.

“No,” Kerry assured her honestly. “They just mean that all the right hormones are going to the right places. They must have covered this in your book.” She said with a laugh; Sandy had been religiously reading her baby book for the past few months and Kerry was surprised that Sandy seemed to know less about Braxton Hicks contractions than she had expected her to. She pulled her suit jacket off of the hanger, sitting back down onto the bed to slide her feet into her shoes. Although she was grateful not to have to work in the ER today - or any day in the foreseeable future now that they had their new attending - she still missed the hustle and bustle of the emergency room, and pulling her arms into her new olive-toned grey suit jacket was just another reminder that life would not be the same for a while. “As long as she stays in here another four weeks she should be absolutely fine.” Kerry knew Sandy had been worried, right alongside herself, about preterm labor. It seemed as if as soon as they passed the danger zone for what would clinically be considered miscarriage, all of their concerns turned immediately to their daughter being born too early. “Even if something were to happen, there are steroids to boost her lung development and all sorts of drugs that can work to stop early labor, and even when I’m not at work, which happens to be a hospital with a very fine neonatal unit, we are only a five minute drive away. So stop worrying, my love.” Kerry crossed to Sandy and took her head gently in her hands, her crutch swinging from the cuff secured around her arm and lightly tapping them both at their sides, and planted a kiss on Sandy’s forehead to punctuate what she hoped was a successfully reassuring statement. Sandy did seem to breathe easier, even at the same assurance Kerry had repeated a few times now. Sandy couldn’t help it, though. The pregnancy, after they lost the twin, seemed to go smoother than either of them had ever imagined it would. Their baby was healthy, developing right on schedule, and was even measuring a little bigger than average for 30 weeks. Everything was going well and that knowledge almost put the two of them on edge.

“Did you finish registering for that lamaze class at Mercy?” Sandy changed the subject, moving to their ensuite to brush her teeth, the room still warm with the steam from Kerry’s long shower.

“Not yet,” Kerry packed the charts she had worked through the day before into her briefcase, swinging it over her shoulder.

“I still don’t understand why we couldn’t just do the one at County.” Sandy said around the toothbrush in her mouth, her words muffled.

“Because,” Kerry began, “those are my employees and I’m not about to have them teaching me how to push a human out of my vagina. I cannot imagine they would be able to think of much else the next time we are in a meeting.” The vulnerability of not only her pregnancy but childbirth was too much for Kerry to want to share with those at her hospital, aside from Susan, Abby, and occasionally Carter. To everyone else, she might as well have not been pregnant, the way she was able to ignore it and work around it almost fascinating.

Sandy held back a laugh. “I don’t care where we do it, I’m just ready to be your coach.” Sandy spit out the toothpaste and rinsed her mouth, following Kerry to their living room and front door. “I’m a great coach, you should feel very lucky to have me on your team.”

“Again, I am the one pushing a human out of my vagina, _you_ should feel very lucky to have _me_ on your team.” Kerry teased, checking that she had everything she needed for her full day of meetings before giving Stinky a goodbye pat and moving to the door, Sandy close behind her. Kerry felt especially lucky to be leaving her axillary crutches, as well as the wheelchair, behind, her hip and pelvis having benefited greatly from the two weeks off in addition to the new chiropractor she had started seeing since returning to work. 

“I am _very_ grateful to Mommy.” Sandy came up behind Kerry as she made a move for the front door, grabbing her from behind and hugging her closely, then shifting around and planting a few kisses on her belly. “That sounds right,” Sandy stopped, standing to her full height to address her wife. “I think you’re Mommy.”

They’d been debating the names they would address themselves as over the past few days, after suddenly realizing that there was not a standard for differentiating mothers in lesbian relationships.

“And you’re Momma?” Kerry asked, laughing at the memory of Sandy’s comment about the idea of either of them being ‘Momma’ and how it sounded like a southern grandmother being referred to by her adult children.

“Mamá,” Sandy corrected. “I just don’t think I’m a _Mommy_.”

“And I am?”

“What should we do instead? Mom and Mom and whoever shows up is the one they get?” She chuckled at the utter confusion that would cause, checking at the last minute that the keys to the car were in her purse.

“I didn’t say that… I don’t mind Mommy,” Kerry could barely hold back a cringe at the cutesy name, but she knew the second their baby was old enough to call out to her, it would just feel right. Sandy opened the door for Kerry, letting her leave ahead of her.

Just as they began to step into the hallway and noticed the tall brown box leaning beside their door, their phone rang and after a quick glance at her watch, realizing they had enough time to at least see who was calling, Kerry turned back into the apartment and answered the phone while Sandy inspected the label on the package.

“Hello?” Kerry lifted the phone to her ear, leaning heavily on her crutch.

“Oh,” the voice said quickly, followed by a long break before they spoke again. “Hi Kerry, is Sandy there?”

“Susan?” Kerry recognized the voice but did not understand why she would be calling for her wife.

“Yeah… Chuck had, um, a question for her about, uh… paramedic stuff.” Susan could not have lied worse if she tried and Kerry squinted her eyes before turning to Sandy.

“Sandy… it’s Susan.” She called out, looking toward their front door as Sandy pushed the large box in from the hallway. They both knew instantly that it was their crib finally arriving from the magazine they had ordered from weeks before; a dark, almost vintage-looking oak crib with spindle posts. Sandy pushed it further into the apartment and leaned it against the wall before coming to Kerry and attempting to look as confused as possible.

“For me?” She whispered and Kerry responded with a shrug before handing off the phone. “Hello?”

“Sandy! I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I didn’t think Kerry would answer the phone.”

“That’s alright, we were just heading out.” Sandy attempted to sound inconspicuous, stealing a glance at Kerry who had moved to say yet another goodbye to Stinky where he was resting on the couch. 

“I just wanted to let you know Alexanders confirmed for the catering and I got responses from everyone but your mom about the baby shower.” Susan was hesitant on the second part of the message but Sandy shook it off.

“That’s not surprising, the rest should be good.” Kerry shot a curious look across the room but Sandy ignored her, turning to face away.

“Okay, great. I’ll let you go, but I wanted to let you know not to worry about the food. I'll see you Saturday.” 

“Sounds good, Susan. Bye.” Sandy hung up the phone, trying as hard as she could to push aside the disappointment of her mother not even acknowledging her unwarranted invitation to their baby shower. Kerry was still none the wiser about the entire event and Sandy intended to keep it that way.

“What’s not surprising?” Kerry prodded, opening their door for Sandy this time.

“Oh nothing,” Sandy dodged, moving quickly toward the elevator and hitting the down button. “Did you know Chuck was looking into becoming a firefighter?” Susan and Sandy had discussed that they would use Chuck as their coverup, so Sandy was fairly confident Susan had used him as part of her excuse as to why she was calling.

“I did not, and in all honesty, I can’t see it.” Kerry quipped, hitting the button for the lobby as the doors shut in front of them. There were few people Kerry could picture in that job, but perhaps it was her wife’s incomparable abilities that just made it impossible to picture anyone else performing at the same level that she did. Sandy walked moderately slower to her car to allow Kerry to keep up but she wondered if Kerry wasn’t entirely feeling her best.

“Are you sure you’re up for work today?” Sandy asked as they both situated themselves in the car, Kerry in the passenger's seat and Sandy in the driver’s. It had been a while since they’d gone anywhere with each other; the only places they ever went were work and normally they traveled separately, so it felt nice to take the car out together. Though Sandy knew it was a taste of things to come, as in their life with a newborn, she couldn’t help but appreciate what could be considered a normal day as she pulled off of their street and toward the hospital.

“It’s not like I’m going to work in the ER,” Kerry pointed out, marveling at the way her stomach rested heavily on her thighs in this position in the car. Between the weeks she’d spent lounging in bed and then the chaotic return to work, she hadn’t appreciated the way the baby, and by proxy, her own body had grown and almost marveled at it as Sandy merged onto the busy street. They were lucky to live close to the hospital, having found an apartment not far from the brownstone she had given up when they’d opted for a one level with two bedrooms as opposed to the multi-level brownstone Kerry had lived in previously. There were no stairs involved at their new residence, not even to get into the building, which Kerry appreciated, especially now that she’d be carrying a newborn everywhere.

The light turned green and Sandy stepped on the gas, beginning to cross the last major intersection before the final right hand turn to the hospital when bright headlights flashed out of nowhere to her right. The next few seconds happened simultaneously in hyper speed and in slow motion as Sandy spun the wheel of the car quickly to the left, narrowing avoiding the speed demon but spinning their car out a few times before the rear collided with a fire hydrant, bringing their car to a sudden halt.

They each took a second to recover their breath. The impact was enough to have locked their seatbelts, restraining both of them roughly, but not enough to trigger the airbags. Sandy turned anxiously to Kerry who had one hand holding tightly onto the handle above the door and the other hand on her stomach.

“Are you okay?” She asked, quickly unbuckling and getting ready to get out and come to Kerry’s side but she nodded after a brief mental inspection of her body. Aside from her heart, which was thumping dramatically, she was physically alright thanks to the seatbelt she had secured around her waist and she waited in the car as Sandy got out to check the status of the other driver. Kerry took a few deep breaths, attempting to slow her racing heart as she watched Sandy go to the window of the car behind them in her side mirror. From what Kerry could tell, the other driver was a currently sobbing probably newly licensed teen, and Sandy, though slightly shaken, was doing her best to calm them down as they exchanged phone numbers to discuss insurance information later on.

Kerry was surprised in that moment when another Braxton Hicks contraction took over, her belly hardening under her hands and she blew out a slow breath. Normally she had about five a day, though this one came much closer to her first of the day than they usually did. She breathed through it, whispering affirmations of safety to the baby until Sandy returned. She stopped briefly to inspect the damage to the back of the car; it wasn’t pretty but it wasn’t anything the guys at the shop wouldn’t be able to pop out for a couple hundred dollars.

“Is she okay?” Kerry asked, watching the teen wipe her eyes with the sleeve of her sweatshirt as Sandy climbed back into the car.

“She’s freaked out but she’s okay. She said her mom is on her way.” Sandy started the car back up, turning briefly back toward Kerry. “Are you sure you’re alright?” She double checked, watching the look on Kerry’s face intently, knowing Kerry would be more likely to hide any discomfort than come clean with it.

“We are fine.” Kerry assured her, unbuckling and letting the seatbelt feed back into the sash guide, letting it unlock it so she could pull it back down around herself comfortably. Sandy shifted the car back into drive and continued their commute to work, though now running about 20 minutes later than they had been. The last few minutes of the drive were quiet while each woman let the adrenaline wear off, Sandy’s hands visibly shaking from the rush and Kerry’s mind running a mile a minute. As she waited for Sandy to pull up to the main entrance of the hospital to drop her off, Kerry realized that even with the extra Braxton Hicks contraction that morning, she couldn’t remember feeling the baby move. 

  
  
  


The morning that followed seemed to breeze by as Kerry settled into her office, still working hard to make sense of the disorganized mess that Don Anspaugh was somehow able to work amongst. Although she tried very hard to keep herself from allowing her anxieties to take over, Kerry found herself occasionally poking into her stomach, trying to jostle their normally active baby into moving around. She had been just as active as she usually was throughout the night, but normally after a contraction she would squirm or kick, and the stillness was beginning to keep Kerry from focusing on her work.

She thought back to a few weeks previous, when she and Sandy had been lounging on their couch, Kerry’s feet up in Sandy’s lap and Kerry’s favorite Betty Carter album softly playing from the cd player, as Sandy read the Week 25 chapter in her book out loud. It noted that fetal movements would start to become more frequent and intense, but some babies were less active than others. So long as you felt ten movements throughout the day, there was no cause for alarm. What popped into her mind now, however, was the section listing the ways to get some movement from the fetus. Cold or hot drinks, sweet or spicy food. The external stimuli Kerry had been attempting wasn’t working and before she allowed full panic to set in, she would give a few of the other ideas a shot.

With an hour or so before her first meeting, Kerry made her way down toward the ER and out into the ambulance bay, stopping at one of the food carts to get a soda, hoping a combination of the cold and the carbonation would be enough to wake the baby and quash the anxiety she felt in her chest. She wasn’t sure she’d be able to make it through the plethora of important meetings she had scheduled for the day if she was spending the entire time focused on not missing any movement within her belly.

She paid for her coke and moved back toward the bay, thinking she’d rest on the bench and get some fresh air, but a flash of long highlighted hair caught her eye and she noticed Abby tucked in the corner of the bay, taking a drag off of a half smoked cigarette.

“I thought you gave those up,” Kerry moved in her direction, leaning against the wall opposite her and finally cracking open the can, taking a long sip.

“I did.” Abby tossed the remainder of the cigarette on the ground and smothered it with her shoe.

Kerry took another chug from her soda, hoping that soon enough the cold liquid would disturb the baby and set her anxieties to rest. In the meantime, she’d distract herself with the conversation she’d been meaning to have with Abby for a few days. “Did you get all of your paperwork in on time?”

Abby pursed her lips, looking past Kerry and out into the street. “Got the important stuff in on time. The rest is sitting in my locker. It’s all filled out.”

“So what’s it doing in your locker?” Kerry prodded.

“I don’t know if I can do it, Kerry.” Abby admitted finally, looking down at her shoes and grinding what was left of the cigarette into the asphalt.

“Do what?” Kerry scrunched her eyebrows together, the familiar line between them deepened from years of inquisitive thinking.

“Go to him again. Ask him for money.” Abby’s responses were cryptic and Kerry wasn’t exactly sure what she was talking about.

“Carter?” She guessed, shifting her weight onto her crutch, debating if she would need to ask Abby to move their conversation to the bench.

“God, no.” Abby’s shocked response told Kerry she was wrong immediately. “No, my ex.”

Kerry nodded silently, the wheels in her brain turning before she had an idea. The thought that maybe she should talk to Sandy first passed through her head briefly before deciding that Sandy would agree wholeheartedly with the decision. Hoping to not scare off the normally reserved and private nurse, Kerry took a risk. “How much do you need?”

Abby shrugged and looked back out over the street. “Nearly the entirety of the tuition.”

Kerry nodded, taking another sip of her soda. “You know… I’ve made a lot of very good investments over the years.” She began, leaning her head back against the building. “I think investing in the future of a very smart, talented doctor is the one investment I still need to make.”

Abby flashed her eyes at Kerry quickly. “You can’t be serious.”

Kerry shrugged nonchalantly, taking another sip of the coke. Just then, unmistakably, the baby squirmed and Kerry bit her lip, immensely grateful at the confirmation that the baby was alright but not wanting to let on that she had gotten herself so worked up. She rubbed her belly with her free hand, almost thanking the baby for finally waking up and putting her at ease.

“We could consider it a loan if that would make you more comfortable. You are a phenomenal nurse and we are lucky to have you. But you have so much potential as a doctor, and if that is what you want to be, then you shouldn’t let something like money, or _pride_ , keep you from going after it. I don’t want to see your passion thwarted, Abby. ” Kerry almost teared up looking into the eyes of the younger woman; she saw so much of herself in Abby: her tenacity, her independent (and sometimes withdrawn) nature. She hoped more than anything that she would take her up on the offer. “Come on, Abby, I can’t stand here all day.” She teased; in reality she wasn’t sure she could stand there even a few more minutes, though she was seriously surprised at just how much the support belt she was wearing did help. 

“Kerry, that’s a lot of money.” Abby’s expression was still one of complete shock. “I mean, you have a baby coming.”

“I know,” Kerry swirled the remaining coke around in her can, done with it now that it had done its job. “But spending a lot of money for an important reason makes it a lot easier. Besides, this baby’s got everything she could possibly need.” Kerry backed away then, turning back toward the hospital and tossing her can in the trash on her way. “Come up to my office later today and I will write you that check, I want you turning in the rest of your paperwork before 5.” Her tone made it clear that she would not be taking no for an answer and didn’t even bother turning around to see Abby’s response. 

  
  
  


Kerry signed her name to the bottom of the check, placing it carefully in her desk drawer for Abby to pick up later that day. She had called the registrar to get the exact amount needed and wanted to get the check written and prepared before her meeting with Anspaugh so she could give him her full attention. She’d been looking forward to her meeting with Anspaugh all week, so much so that she hadn’t minded having to shuffle around the other meetings when Anspaugh’s secretary called to let her know he had been pulled into a surgery and would no longer be able to make their 11 o’clock. Throughout the two weeks she was off, aside from a few brief phone calls, they had predominantly communicated in notes passed back and forth through Abby and Kerry was relieved that their schedules finally lined up and they were able to meet face to face. In addition to the arrangements they needed to discuss regarding her time off for her maternity leave, including whether or not he was willing to step into the interim role for upwards of three months, Kerry knew they needed to talk about Romano and his performance as chief in the ER.

“I don’t think he’s taken to the adjustment like we had hoped he would,” Kerry insisted, leaning back slightly in her chair, her hands folded on top of her stomach. “I know we were hoping that he would step up to the plate but all I’ve seen and heard is a constant disrespect for his staff and an almost blatant disregard for the emotional well-being of the patients. I know it’s a different world in surgery, but in the ER, being gentle with the psychological wellbeing of the patients is almost as important as any physical malady you need to treat.”

“I agree, Kerry, but what can we do? We can’t fire him, he’s a well known name at the top of his field. We could barely find an attending worth his salt for the ER, the last thing I know either of us wants to do is open a search for a new chief on top of it all.” Don leaned forward.

Kerry’s pager in her pocket vibrated but she reached inside and silenced it; she’d meant to turn it off before the meeting started but Don had shown up a few minutes early and they caught up on personal matters before diving in.

“Are we sure there isn’t someone more suited in the emergency department to be chief?” Kerry remembered that she herself had made the point that there was no one qualified, but watching the way the department ran without her and without the structured guide of a talented chief helped her see some members of her staff in a different light.

“Do you have someone in mind?” Anspaugh didn’t spend much time in the emergency department and while he recognized everyone by name, he would not easily be able to point out their exact positions, let alone qualifications.

“Susan Lewis.” Kerry said determinedly, watching every reaction carefully on Anspaugh’s face as he considered her suggestion.

“Dr. Lewis, really.” He nodded, sitting back in his chair before looking at her pointedly. “As I seem to remember, you were fairly adamant against Dr. Lewis stepping into the chief position.”

Kerry nodded. “I know, and I was wrong. Dr. Lewis is a gifted doctor and teacher. She, perhaps, lacks the organizational skill that allows administration to function at peak capacity, but I could always assist her with that. I think Susan’s abilities are miles beyond Robert’s, not only within the emergency department but interpersonally with colleagues.” Kerry watched as Anspaugh considered her nomination before her pager vibrated again. She tried to be subtle in turning it off, not wanting Don to think she was distracted or had somewhere else to be, not when she was making such headway.

“I have always admired Dr. Lewis’s professionalism,” Don’s agreement made Kerry sit up a little straighter, she was so close to making the kill that she could practically taste it.

“So you would support Dr. Lewis’s nomination if we were to take it to the board?” Her words were light and quick, the excitement of possibly getting Romano out of the ER completely turning around what had started as an awful day.

“I would consi-” Anspaugh’s words were cut off as the buzz from the intercom on her phone filled the room, followed by her assistant’s voice.

“Dr. Weaver, you are needed in the ER.” Her words filled the small room and Kerry flashed an apologetic smile at Don, holding down the button to respond.

“I asked not to be disturbed, please let them know they are adequately staffed and I will come down as soon as my meeting with Dr. Anspaugh is over. And tell them to stop paging me.” She snipped, releasing the button, then looking up to Anspaugh. “I’m sorry about that.”

“Oh, please,” he began, moving to rise from the chair. Kerry rose with him, though she was desperate to keep him until she got a solid answer from him about Susan. “You’re busy, I will let you go down to the ER and we can pick this up later.”

“Don, I’d really like to finish this conversation now.” Her words overlapped with a jumble of noise from beyond her door and both of their heads turned just as the door to her office was thrown open and a heavily breathing Abby ran in.

“Kerry,” Abby gasped, her voice shaking, not allowing herself time to recover her breath. “It’s Sandy.”


	21. Hold On Tight - Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Trigger Warning: jump to end note for warning.**

The feeling of falling. Of having the floor dropped from beneath your feet. Open air. With no end. No impending moment of finality. Downward; permanent.

Kerry wasn’t sure how she got down to the ER, but suddenly she rounded the corner and saw the flurry of activity in the trauma room. Susan turned as Kerry entered, stepping out of the way and clearing her path toward Sandy.

“Sandy?” She called out tentatively, moving to her bedside. Sandy’s face was covered with an oxygen mask and her body was littered with burns and bruises and wires. Kerry's heart stopped completely until she saw Sandy turned her head in her direction. “Oh, God.”

Sandy weakly pulled the oxygen mask off of her face, her voice raw and gruff. “Hey, baby.”

“What’d you go and do?” Kerry’s tone was gentle, almost casual, as if her brain was refusing to accept this situation as reality. She shook her arm out of her crutch, a nurse swiftly grabbing it from her and moving it out of the way.

“Roof collapse,” Sam, the newer nurse, said softly as they worked hurriedly around the gurney. 

“Bilateral rib fractures, pneumothorax, intra-abdominal bleed, pubic rami fractures,” Susan raddled off the extensive list of injuries, eyeing Kerry worriedly as her entire body quaked. Kerry squeezed Sandy’s hand tightly between both of her own. “We need to get her to the OR.”

Sandy pushed her hand slightly out of Kerry’s and extended it toward her belly, clumsily laying the back of her hand on it. The baby had been fairly active since Kerry had stimulated her earlier in the day and now was no exception. Kerry grabbed Sandy’s hand and pressed it against her stomach where the hardest kicks were felt. “Hey, baby.” Sandy repeated, her words slurred around a lazy smile, trying her best to stay conscious.

“Do you feel that?” Kerry forced a smile. “She’s saying ‘come on, mommy, we need you.’” Her voice cracked into a whisper as her throat compressed, trying with all her might to hold her composure while her entire world collapsed around her. 

“I thought…” Sandy started, her breathing labored, “I thought _you_ were mommy.”

Someone announced Sandy’s falling pulse ox and Kerry looked up at the monitors, trying her best to make sense of the numbers and beeping while her head spun. “She’s on 100%? Why isn’t she intubated?” She panicked, still holding Sandy’s hand to the baby.

“She refused until you got here.” Susan pulled on fresh gloves, preparing for the intubation. “Twenty of etomidate and hundred and twenty of sux.” Kerry looked back to Sandy, frustrated yet not surprised at her stubbornness. 

“I only wanted to say hey.” Sandy whispered. None of this could be real, Kerry decided, stroking Sandy’s face and whispering assurances to the love of her life. None of it could be real; the falling pulse ox, the cuts and bruises and burns on Sandy’s face, and certainly not the moment her eyes rolled back and she lost consciousness, her head lulling to the side.

“Sandy!” Kerry exclaimed, snapping her fingers in front of Sandy’s face and lightly shaking her. “Sandy, you need to stay awake.” She cried repeatedly, but Sandy’s eyes stayed closed. The room spun briefly and Kerry had to stop, putting both hands down on the gurney and catching herself from collapsing to the floor. Abby stepped up from behind her and supported her weight as the rest of the staff buzzed around the gurney.

“Kerry, you should sit down.” Abby began before Susan cut her off.

“Abby, can you take her to the lounge?” Susan grabbed the ET tube from Sam and began the intubation. 

“No, Susan, I want to stay,” Kerry insisted, her body still shaking in Abby’s arms.

“Kerry, you really should go lie down and we’ll get you when she’s out of surgery,” Susan maintained.

“Please,” Kerry pleaded desperately, looking up and into Susan’s eyes. “She’s my wife.”

Susan debated for a flash of a moment before her own heart shattered at the look in Kerry’s eyes. 

“Someone get Dr. Weaver a chair,” she said, her voice threatening to crack, as she leaned down and placed the scope in Sandy’s mouth. Abby helped her lower onto the stool that one of the nurses had rolled over and Kerry leaned forward, Sandy’s hand still grasped in her own and she kissed it repeatedly, watching as Susan inserted the tube and pulled out the guide wire. Sandy was intubated. She was attached to a plethora of monitors and machines. She was unconscious. All of it was real. It was really happening.

Kerry trembled, unsure if she’d ever be ready to let go of Sandy’s hand.

  
  
  


Elizabeth was there now and she and Susan were in the back of the room. Various nurses that Kerry knew she should recognize still swirled around them, but she wished Abby was still there. She’d been called out to assist another trauma, leaving Kerry sitting alone, frozen at Sandy’s side, stroking her hand and her arm, studying every minuscule feature on her face, drilling every line and curve into memory. She wished she could call on some happy memories, moments that normally were easy to summon, moments that made her heart swell and her eyes tear up. But right now, she couldn’t picture anything but the vision in front of her and she didn’t think she’d ever be able to shake the image from her mind’s eye.

“It’s Sandy,” she heard Susan say, to which Elizabeth immediately turned and approached them. Elizabeth hadn’t seen Sandy since the banquet but instantly recognized the curls that pooled behind her head. The look on Kerry’s face was one Elizabeth recognized personally, having felt that exact form of fear for her spouse years before. She’d be damned if she let Kerry’s story have the same outcome as her own.

“Who’s operating?” Kerry asked before Elizabeth had been able to pull herself from her spiraling thoughts, glancing between the two faces that had been so joyous only a few weeks ago. It took her another moment to be able to respond.

“Anspaugh.” He’d been scrubbing in before Elizabeth had even made it downstairs, having been with Kerry when she received the news. “And me. Ignacio’s anesthesia, Shirley’s circulating.”

“Good, that’s good,” truthfully, Kerry had tuned out upon hearing that Anspaugh would be running the surgery, turning back and resuming her study of her wife’s face.

“Do you want to stay with her?” Elizabeth asked, desperate to find some way to comfort the crumbling woman in front of her.

Kerry’s eyes shot up, as did Susan’s from behind her. “What?” Kerry asked, her brain running on a lag.

“Do you want to observe?”

“Yes,” Kerry nodded, a stray tear trailing down her face. “Yes, I would.”

As the nurses prepped Sandy for transfer, Susan pulled Elizabeth to the side. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“Susan, if I could have had five more minutes with Mark, I would have wanted it.” The grim meaning behind her words struck Susan deeply; they both knew the odds of Sandy pulling through were minimal, though at the hands of Elizabeth and Anspaugh, anything was possible. Elizabeth bit at her lips to maintain her composure and Susan only nodded, coming around to help Kerry out of her chair, and walked beside her toward the elevators as they trailed behind the gurney.

“I’m right here, Sandy, I’m not going anywhere.” Kerry called out, desperate to be at her side instead of limping heavily behind the mob of medical staff, squeezing through the crowd of Sandy’s colleagues as they waited in the halls. She faintly heard Elizabeth update one of the guys but was so focused on physically making it to the elevator without collapsing that their words jumbled in her brain. It wasn’t until the distinct voice of the woman they had not seen in months rang through the ER that Kerry looked up.

“¡Mija!” Florina and Guillermo rounded the corner and rushed to the side of the gurney as they lined it up to roll it into the elevator.

“Where are you taking her?” Sandy’s father asked Kerry as she resumed her place at Sandy’s side.

“Try not to be scared, she needs an operation.” Kerry watched as Florina leaned over the rail of the gurney, stroking her daughter’s face as she called out to her.

“Sandy. Mija. ¿Me puedes oi? ¿Mija?” She exclaimed, the tremors in the older woman’s body matching the ones Kerry had been fighting off, trying not to scare Sandy’s parents. 

“Is Sandy going to be alright?” Guillermo turned to Kerry, trusting her judgement. 

“Yes.” Kerry insisted without a second thought, barely registering when Abby took Susan’s place at her side, stepping with her into the crowded elevator. “I will be with her in the OR but there’s a waiting room upstairs and I will call you the minute she gets out of surgery.” Kerry leaned heavily on her crutch, Abby’s hand floating millimeters beside her left arm, ready to offer more support if she needed it. 

“Take care of her,” Florina pleaded gently, Kerry feeling a momentary rush of acceptance from Sandy’s mother.

“We will.” Kerry nodded, the baby demanding her inclusion in the statement with what felt like a flip and the intense movement took Kerry’s breath away for a moment, her free hand flying to her stomach. Florina’s eyes cast down, following Kerry’s hand, and Kerry could have almost sworn she’d seen her face shatter as the doors closed between them. 

  
  
  


“How long have you two been together?” Elizabeth asked, trying to keep her voice as light as she could with her hands inside Sandy’s body.

“Three years.” Kerry was seated at the head of the table, a surgical drape between Sandy’s face and where they were operating, obscuring Kerry’s view.

“One of which included a pregnancy, that gets you bonus time in the equation.” 

Kerry looked up with a grateful smile beneath her face mask. Between IVF and the pregnancy itself, Kerry found herself surprised to realize it had only been three years, when in actuality it felt like a lifetime.

“Okay, there’s lots of blood. Suction.” Elizabeth and Anspaugh worked in tandem and Kerry could not help herself, her need for control outweighing her instructions to stay off of her feet. Leaning heavily into her crutch, she pushed herself up and worked her way around Anspaugh, peering over his shoulder into the mess of blood and organs. Despite her detailed knowledge of the human body, she couldn’t make sense of what was happening. None of it felt real.

_“You know, I never got a chance to thank you for the uh-”_

_“Saving your life?”_

_“Yeah, that.”_

“We met here.” 

Elizabeth looked up. “At the hospital?”

_“You should have someone remove the stitches in four days.”_

_“I know where to find you.”_

Kerry wanted to correct her - they’d met in the field, in the pouring rain. They spent the entire night screaming at each other in a power struggle that only the two of them could have. It was the next time she saw her, when Kerry had practically jumped over the admit desk, that they’d reconnected in the ER. But Kerry couldn’t find enough voice for all that. Instead she just locked eyes with Elizabeth as she worked so hard to save her wife.

“That’s the last place I expected to find anyone.” Elizabeth could barely peel her eyes off of Kerry; she wouldn’t have been able to if it weren’t for Sandy’s open body lying in front of her. Kerry watched her internal struggle, feeling almost in sync with the surgeon for a rare moment. “Right, uh, the spleen looks good. But… there’s a grade four hepatic lac.”

“I miss Mark, too.” Kerry wasn’t sure why she said it, but there it was. 

“Let’s pack off the liver. Shirley, can you wipe my brow.” Elizabeth called out, turning her head to the side as Shirley came by, lifting her glasses to wipe the tears that had finally spilled from her eyes. Suddenly, the monitors sounded, loudly and quickly, and Elizabeth and Anspaugh seemed to intensify their motions.

“What’s wrong?” Kerry leaned almost all of her weight onto her crutch, the rhythmic alarms themselves threatening to topple her. 

“She must have a retrohepatic caval injury,” as Elizabeth discussed with Anspaugh, Kerry’s room began to spin around her.

“Oh, God.” She swayed on her feet, moving back toward Sandy’s head as Anspaugh and Elizabeth worked furiously. “Come on, baby. Please, don’t scare me like this.” Kerry begged, lowering herself slowly back down into her chair. 

_“Do you wanna do something?”_

_“Excuse me?”_

_“Uh, sometime? You know, something.”_

_“Something?”_

_“Uh, I don’t know. Lunch, or a movie, or ice fishing?”_

They never got to go ice fishing. 

“You sure you should be in here?” Anspaugh asked over the surgical shield.

“She’s fine.” Elizabeth quickly ensured him. ‘Bradycardia’ was called out and Elizabeth and Anspaugh moved faster than Kerry had ever seen them work. Sandy’s systolic pressure plummeted and the surgeons debated their options as Kerry listened on, stroking Sandy’s hair and praying harder than she had ever prayed before.

“Hold on tight, baby. We’ve got you.” She whispered, willing Sandy to fight against the odds. She had two of the best surgeons in the country operating on her. She was in the best hospital in the city. They had a baby coming. She couldn’t leave them. “Come on, Sandy. Emma wants to meet her Mama. Who’s gonna take Stinky on his walks? You’re my coach, Sandy. I need you. We need you. Please.” She whispered, her thoughts pouring out of her mouth before she could filter them.

“Mg of atropine. Let’s prep the chest for a Schrock. Ten blade.” Elizabeth instructed.

“Heart rate’s down to 58,” Shirley added as Elizabeth was handed the blade. 

“Sternal saw,” Don called out, waiting to be handed the very tool that Kerry had fought so hard to have in the ER, the tool that she had always been thrilled to work with. The tool that she’d used on Lucy. The familiar sound pulled her deep into those memories before Elizabeth pulled her back. 

“Kerry, we have to put in an atrio-caval shunt. In order to do that we have to open up the chest. It’ll improve her preload and get blood back to the heart.” Elizabeth rattled off, blade in hand, watching as Kerry continued to whisper to Sandy, so quietly that the only way they knew she was speaking was the movement of her mask. “Kerry!”

“Do it.” She approved, looking up just long enough to make brief eye contact before looking back to Sandy. Her wife. Her partner. The mother of her child. “Please, Sandy.” She whispered, the shrill sound of the sternal saw filling the room before the gurney vibrated with its movement as they opened her chest.

Kerry wasn’t sure how much time had passed as she stroked the top of Sandy’s head. Monitors shrieked and Elizabeth and Don hurriedly shouted orders into the room. The baby kicked but it wasn’t accompanied by the same rush of relief she had felt earlier in the day. All the noise in the room faded away until it was just Kerry and Sandy.

_“I told you not to do that!”_

_“Just turn the damn power off!”_

They’d had three glorious years and Kerry was sure she was a different person now.

_“I did you a huge favor, you just don’t know it yet.”_

Three out of Sandy’s twenty nine years. They had planned on a big party for her 30th. Emma would be old enough to try the cake by then.

_“I don’t want to wait. I think that we should try again.”_

_“You feel like something’s missing here, Kerry?”_

_“Yes.”_

“I love you so much.” She said just as she had that morning when they woke up. And the day before. And the day before that. Sandy knew. Sandy knew how much she loved her. “We love you so much.”

“Come on!” Elizabeth exclaimed, Kerry’s voice instilling a determination in her, pulling back and calling ‘clear’ before Anspaugh shocked Sandy’s heart with the internal paddles. 

_“I’m pregnant.”_

_“But… how? I thought you said the test was negative?”_

_“It was - I mean, I thought it was.”_

“No change,” Shirley called.

“Okay, Telfon pledges.” Elizabeth’s voice was close to breaking as she and Anspaugh worked furiously to save Sandy, all the while trying not to break down themselves at the scene in front of them.

_“When that baby is here, it will be in front of you, in your arms. There will be no guesswork involved. I have no doubt in your abilities as a mother, my love. Plus - you won’t be doing it alone.”_

That fire… the internal fire that _was_ Sandy Lopez, the fire that Kerry loved to watch bubble below the surface as Sandy slept… it went out.

Kerry’s eyes flicked to Sandy’s ET tube as blood began to fill it, traveling upward. Her hand continued to brush over Sandy’s head, over her scrub cap. Her eyes flickered over every feature of the face that she loved so much. But Sandy wasn’t there anymore.

“Asystole.” Shirley’s voice announced, resigned.

“Mg of atropine!” Elizabeth exclaimed.

Kerry wondered how long she could wait, how long she would have to sit there to see that spark return. For the spark to ignite the flame.

Another lifetime, she realized. 

Sandy wasn’t there anymore.

“You can stop.” She said before she’d even told herself. Her heart was heavy and tight in her chest. Tears streamed down her face, but she didn’t cry. The flame was out; there was nothing they could do. “She’s gone.”

  
  
  


Her hand was still warm. The same hand that she’d held to her stomach the first time their baby kicked, the same hand that had grabbed her own that night in the hospital after they’d lost the twin, the same hand Kerry had kissed more times than she could count. The idea of letting go of this hand, now, almost didn’t make any sense to Kerry. It didn’t seem within the realm of possibility. As her left hand held desperately to Sandy’s she ran the fingers of her right hand up and down the scar that ran the length of Sandy’s forearm. It had healed well.

Kerry barely registered the sound of the door opening behind her. Elizabeth walked in quietly, cautiously. It had been about an hour, and at the instruction of Don Anspaugh, they’d all left Kerry to herself. But Kerry hadn’t moved, she’d barely blinked, in the hour since and Elizabeth was starting to worry. Aside from that, they were going to need the room soon. Anspaugh had offered to go in but Elizabeth insisted, but now, stepping up behind her, Elizabeth didn’t know what to say.

“Kerry…” she began.

“Can you take it out?” Kerry surprised Elizabeth with not only the request, but by speaking at all.

“By law, we’re not supposed to-”

“Please.” Kerry pulled her eyes away from Sandy’s face for the first time, not quite meeting Elizabeth’s gaze but coming as close as she could.

Elizabeth debated, for only a moment, before agreeing.

Kerry resumed her study of Sandy’s face, desperate for it to be unencumbered by the ET tube, but the image of Sandy’s jaw frozen open was not something she had been prepared for and it burned into her memory. Elizabeth gently moved Sandy’s jaw closed before looking back up into Kerry’s empty eyes.

“I’m so sorry.” She completely lost her nerve, moving to quietly step out of the room and leave Kerry for a while longer. Kerry spoke before she reached the door.

“We wanted more.” Kerry began, her voice hoarse and pained. Elizabeth stopped and turned, surprised to be on the receiving end of such a personal disclosure. “It took us a year to get pregnant again, but the second she felt the baby kick, once she was really real to her…” Her voice trailed, thinking back to the hints Sandy had dropped over the past few weeks about their _next_ baby. The names they’d use next time. The need for a bigger apartment, with more bedrooms. The idea of at least two of each sounding perfect. “Sandy had a big family. I only had her.” 

Elizabeth wasn’t sure if it had even mattered to Kerry who was in the room or if these thoughts were pouring out unintentionally. She didn’t know what to say but her heart shattered for the older doctor. She had known Kerry for a long time and had seen the way Sandy’s presence in her life had changed her. She’d seen how alone Kerry had been before her, and while she didn’t always feel sorry for her, she certainly did now.

“What am I supposed to do now?” Kerry asked the universe, her voice merely a whisper.

Unsure of what to say that could possibly help, she remembered the crowd of Lopez relatives in the waiting room. “Would you like me to talk to the family?”

“No,” Kerry answered immediately, her eyes still trained on her wife’s face. “No, I’ll go do it.”

Elizabeth, knowing even in good times that arguing with Kerry was futile, simply lowered her head and left the room as quietly as she came in.

Truthfully, Kerry wished Elizabeth would talk to the family. She wasn’t sure if she’d be able to take the look in their eyes, watching them comfort each other. It’s never easy to lose someone, but the only person Kerry could turn to was the one they’d lost. She desperately wanted Sandy to wrap her arms around her from behind the way she always did and tell her that everything was going to be okay. The voice she longed to hear, the only voice that was capable of quelling her anxieties and her heartbreak… she’d never hear it again.

She stopped herself before she went too far, so far that she’d never be able to pull herself back. Not here. She couldn’t fall apart here.

With every iota of her brain screaming in indignation, she very slowly and methodically released Sandy’s hand from her own, laying it gently at her side and resting her own hand on top. She could let go, but she couldn’t pull herself away. Her world would surely cease. There would be a black out, explosions, the building would collapse and Kerry’s life as she knew it would be over. She couldn’t do it.

But she did. It took every molecule of energy she had left in her body to simply release Sandy from her touch. Kerry’s hand returned to her own side and the world didn’t end. Not the whole world anyway, just Kerry’s.

She retrieved her crutch from where it was leaned against the gurney and threaded her arm through, shakily pulling herself to her feet. It didn’t feel fair, that she was able to stand up and walk out of the room. If it weren’t for their daughter relying on her body, she would have wished she could have laid down beside Sandy and never gotten up either. She’d much prefer that to a world without Sandy in it.

Kerry pretended not to notice the concerned eyes that watched her as she gradually made her way down the hallway. She couldn’t take the looks of sympathy, not when it was all she could do not to collapse into a heap on the floor. She rounded the corner and saw the Lopez family filling the waiting room, rosaries in hand, as they all prayed for the safety of their daughter, their sister, their cousin. Kerry stopped. She couldn’t do this.

Guillermo noticed her out of the corner of his eye and looked up, the motion quickly echoed by Florina and the rest of the clan.

She had to do this.

Faintly, she shook her head. She couldn’t say the words and hoped it would suffice. And it did. Florina was the first to cry out, to wail. Guillermo comforted his wife as tears ran down his own cheeks. Eduardo and Carlos stewed in their own heartbreak, trying to maintain their strength as they comforted the rest of the family.

Kerry stood alone in the hall.

She felt a hand on her back and turned her head slightly, just enough to recognize Elizabeth at her side. She desperately wanted to pull away and hide, anywhere she could, but the physical contact, though subtle, gave her a strength she hadn’t recognized that she needed, and when it was clear that she was a second thought to the Lopez’s at they comforted the members of their family, Elizabeth led her into the surgeons' lounge, helping her rest on the couch and turned off most of the lights as she left. Though she knew there was no way Kerry would sleep, she knew from experience how draining the third trimester (and, unfortunately, losing your partner) was and couldn’t believe Kerry had been on her feet so long. While Kerry was borderline comatose from shock, it was at least easy to get her to rest.

  
  
  


The end of Abby’s shift finally came and after a chaotic day following the building collapse, she was ready to go home and crawl gratefully in bed. She wondered how Kerry had gotten home, hoping that perhaps one of Sandy’s family had offered a ride and somehow gotten her to agree. Abby hung her stethoscope in her locker and as she moved down the hallway toward the ambulance bay, Elizabeth approached her.

“Abby, are you heading out?” Elizabeth asked and Abby slowed to a stop. At her nod, Elizabeth continued. “Kerry is still upstairs, we’re not sure what to do.” Abby’s eyes widened and she checked her watch, it had been nearly eight hours since she’d left Kerry in the OR.

“She’s still here?”

Elizabeth nodded. “I don’t think she’s all right.” Elizabeth knew she was stating the obvious but wasn’t sure what else to say. Kerry had remained in the lounge for only about half an hour before leaving to collect Sandy’s personal items. The next time Elizabeth saw her she was sitting in the waiting room, her hand resting on Sandy’s helmet and her eyes staring ahead, lost and dark.

“I’ll talk to her,” Abby assured Elizabeth who smiled gratefully before her pager went off and she moved toward the trauma rooms.

When Abby made it upstairs, she immediately spotted Kerry sitting in the waiting room. One hand was resting on Sandy’s helmet and the other on her stomach. Abby could see her breathing was shallow and contained, as if she didn’t want to take too deep a breath at the risk of allowing her heart to feel anything. Abby passed in front of her and sat down in the chair beside her, though Kerry didn’t register the movement. The waiting room was empty, Sandy’s family all having an hour before Kerry had made it back there. Kerry had finally worked herself up to leaving when she’d neared the elevators and her legs quaked beneath her. She’d collapsed into the chair beside her, taking a few moments to catch her breath before she realized exactly what was happening.

Kerry couldn’t leave Sandy. She couldn’t leave her here. She couldn’t walk out of the hospital alone. The second she did, she would have to acknowledge that it was real. She’d have to go home to an empty apartment. The unfinished nursery. The dog waiting to go on his daily jog. She couldn’t concede to her new reality. The longer she stayed where she was, the longer this atrocious day could just be that: an atrocious day. Not the catalyst to the beginning of the rest of Kerry’s tragic, lonely life. 

Abby watched as Kerry desperately tried to maintain her composure, staring ahead at the lines on the tiled floor.

“Is there anything I can do?” Abby asked eventually. Kerry shook her head subtly, without the energy to do much more than that. “Have you eaten?”

The idea of eating was so far from what Kerry wanted and she swallowed a gag at the idea.

“You really need to eat, Kerry.” While she knew Kerry would occasionally push the boundary of how long she took between meals, usually because she was working too hard to stop, she knew she had to be going on ten hours by now, which was beyond unhealthy for the baby.

Kerry didn’t respond, instead she just continued to look forward.

“Do you need a ride home? Someone to take the dog out?”

She wasn’t sure if it was the mention of Sandy's chore or the mention of her empty apartment, but something caused the first dam to break and her body began to subtly shake, her face remaining as stoic as she could possibly manage as the tremors became more and more intense.

“Kerry,” Abby noticed the shift immediately and sat up, placing a hand on Kerry’s back and beginning to rub soothing circles. “It’s okay.”

The touch, the comforting words, the empathy radiating from Abby was all too much and Kerry couldn’t hold it in anymore. Sobs wracked her body as she collapsed into Abby’s arms. Abby shifted in her seat and moved herself closer, wrapping her arms around Kerry as she sobbed, Kerry grabbing at Abby’s arm and clinging to it as if she was the last person on earth who could keep her tethered to reality. Kerry sobbed and sobbed and sobbed until she didn’t think she would ever stop, the pain in her chest suffocating.

They’d been so close. So close to having their family. So close to having their happily ever after.

Sandy was gone. It was just Kerry and their baby. She didn’t want to go through it like this, she didn’t want to raise a baby alone.

 _Alone_. She was alone again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Trigger Warning: Major Character Death**
> 
> I have so many things to say. First of all... please don't hate me and I'm sorry. When I first had the idea for this fic, it was "what if they had kept going with IVF and Kerry was pregnant during Where There's Smoke." In my first outline, the contents of this chapter happened in chapter 9. I had no idea it would take on the life that it did, and that I would fall _in love_ with Sandy in the way that I have. So every chapter we inched closer to this just broke my heart more and more until finally I needed to rip the bandaid off, which is why I'm updating so quickly.
> 
> Originally, this was really the catalyst to the story, and now it is the climax, so things have obviously shifted around quite a bit, but I am so glad it went the way that it did. I truly have developed such a love for Sandy (even though it might not seem like it right now)... and I promised that I was going to fix things the writers did wrong, which unfortunately includes the way they handled Sandy's death. I always thought, why is the audience supposed to care that Sandy has died if we haven't seen her more than three times in two seasons? Why are we supposed to cry for a character we barely know? Unfortunately... I fixed that, I think. I promise, I have canon-divergent scenes that you will all love. But, it was time to say goodbye to Sandy, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't cry multiple times while writing this (predominantly because it involved watching WTS so many times until it began to feel like torture).
> 
> I was so nervous to reach this point so I would really appreciate if you let me know what you thought and if you're still with me. I trust you all not to send me hate messages on tumblr but I will say it has been a fear, please be gentle I am also hurting 😭


	22. Empty

_ “Hey, we’re not in right now but leave a message for Kerry, Sandy, or Stinky after the beep.” _

Abby replaced the desk phone, rubbing at the bridge of her nose. She’d heard that particular message many times over the past two days, but it didn’t make it any easier, and she couldn’t imagine what it was like for Kerry, hearing Sandy’s voice every time she missed a call.

“Did you get her?” Luka asked, rounding the corner.

“No, she didn’t answer.”

“How long has it been since you heard from her?” Luka returned the chart from his hands back into the rack and turned to the board, recording the information for his newest patient in dry erase marker.

“Uh - I dropped her off Wednesday night and I haven’t heard from her since.” It was concerning and yet  _ not _ concerning. It was typical Kerry behavior to shut everyone out, especially during times of emotional crisis, that was certainly not unheard of. What  _ was _ concerning, however, was that Kerry was almost eight months pregnant and now living on her own. While Abby was sure Kerry could take care of herself, she also knew the risks associated with her particular pregnancy as well as her aversion to reaching out for help. She hoped that if a problem were to arise, concern for the baby would outweigh any pride she’d cling to.

“Don’t you think someone should check on her?” Luka took the words right out of Abby’s mouth, leaning against the desk.

Abby pursed her lips and shrugged. “You know Kerry, do you think that would close her off more?”

“I don’t know.” Luka shook his head. Kerry was a tricky one. Push too hard and she’d completely shut down. “What’s worse: she gets angry for the intrusion or goes into labor or falls with no one there?” He knew he was exaggerating but that was really what it came down to. “I can go, if you want.”

Abby took a deep breath and weighed her options, but truly she knew the answer was simple. “No, I should go. I’ll go after my shift.” 

Luka nodded in agreement as he moved toward his patient in curtain two, grateful Abby had agreed to take on the difficult task herself.

Abby glanced at her watch; she had a few hours left until she was off and hoped seven would not be too late to drop by. It had been two days since she’d seen Kerry and she was almost nervous about what she would find in the apartment, or the state the recently widowed woman would be in. Perhaps she should have stayed with her that first night, but she had offered and Kerry had vehemently declined, but maybe she should have ignored her. She should have put her to bed and stayed. Now that Sandy was gone, the knowledge that Kerry didn’t have anyone else hit Abby deeply, feeling a new, intense responsibility that she hadn’t been prepared for, and hoped she’d be able to handle.

  
  
  


Abby had caught the front door to the building as someone was leaving, appreciating the luck of not needing to get buzzed in. As she waited for the elevator to take her to the third floor, she debated exactly what she was going to say. She’d insist that she was not checking up on her, just dropping off some soup. On her walk from the El, she’d noticed a restaurant that matched the take-out container of soup Kerry had dropped off for her weeks ago. Abby stopped in and grabbed the same soup, figuring it was a safe bet that it had Kerry’s approval.

Abby prepared herself for what she was about to see; she’d seen Kerry go through a lot over the years and each time it was still as difficult as the last to see her boss so broken. There was something about Kerry that Abby admired more than anyone else. It was the kind of admiration that almost borders on idolization, where their opinion of you influences your opinion of yourself. Kerry was that person for Abby, and seeing her in pain was never an easy experience.

She approached Kerry's  door and knocked lightly, Stinky’s barks immediately filling the hallway. Abby waited and Stinky continued to bark at the intruder on the other side of the door. It was hard to hear much of anything else inside the apartment and Abby was given no indication that Kerry was there. She knocked again, Stinky’s barks becoming more insistent. Even if Kerry had been asleep, there was no way she would still be now. Abby was determined and waited for nearly six whole minutes before she finally heard the lock be pushed aside and the door was pulled open, Stinky suddenly bombarding her with sniffs, keeping her from entering the apartment.

Kerry looked awful. The deep, dark circles under her eyes were accentuated by how pale her face was, and her hair was hastily clipped back out of her face some time ago as chunks had messily fallen out of the clip. She wore a large knit cardigan with a t-shirt and sweatpants and she pulled at her sweater, wrapping it tighter around herself, clearly uncomfortable with being seen in such a condition.

“Abby.” She was surprised to see her as she hadn’t buzzed anyone into the building.

“I didn’t mean to disturb you. I brought you soup.” Abby held up the carry-out container, mirroring Kerry’s words and actions from a few weeks previous at her own apartment door.

The empty look behind Kerry’s eyes unsettled Abby, but Kerry nodded and moved to the side.

“Thanks.” Her voice was emotionless and she shut the door as Abby entered the apartment, Stinky close at her heels. “I need to sit down. You can put the soup in the fridge.” She began slowly back toward the living room. Abby scanned the apartment briefly. It had barely been two days since she’d been there and not much had changed at all aside from the couch. A pillow from the bed and a blanket lay on top of it, Kerry clearly having slept in the living room the last two nights.

“Have you eaten? I can get you a bowl now.” Abby offered, watching as Kerry returned to the couch and very slowly and painfully lowered herself back down onto it, rubbing her forehead.

“I’m not hungry.” She murmured. Abby took a quiet breath, preparing herself for a fight.

“Kerry, you need to eat-” She began, before Kerry cut her off.

“I’m  _ trying _ , Abby.” She snapped, the quick burst of energy surprising her guest. “I know I need to eat.” She softened her voice, looking blankly at the wall across from her as she leaned back into the couch. She’d been trying to force feed herself for days, occasionally succeeding but mostly vomiting up anything she’d managed to choke down. The guilt she felt in not being able to provide for her baby only slightly superseded by the guilt she felt for still being alive when Sandy was gone.

Abby didn’t say anything else, but moved into the kitchen and proceeded to pour Kerry a bowl of soup, opening a sleeve of crackers from the box she had bought from the bodega beside the diner. It took her a moment to locate the silverware among all of the drawers in the kitchen but soon she returned to Kerry’s side with her silent request. Kerry looked at the bowl for a moment before resigning herself and taking it, stirring the soup with the spoon. Maybe she could stomach at least the broth, she thought, and sipped at it cautiously.

Abby sat beside her silently, picking anxiously at her nails, trying to offer comfort in being there without making Kerry feel watched or overexposed. Kerry took a few more sips, then took a risk and tried a bite with a piece of chicken before becoming completely turned off and handing the bowl to Abby.

“I can’t…” she looked away from the bowl, the image and even the thought of food threatening to make her sick. Abby took the bowl and set it on the table in front of her, hoping that Kerry would try again in a few minutes. The last thing she wanted to do was have to take Kerry to County for IV fluids.

They sat in silence for a while, Abby contemplating what to say or do next and Kerry trying desperately not to vomit in front of Abby, closing her eyes and leaning her head back against the couch cushions. The baby kicked and thumped against the sides of her stomach, the warm soup having woken her up. At every movement of their baby, Kerry was reminded all over again that Sandy wasn’t there to share those moments with anymore. She longed to feel Sandy’s hand on her stomach, to hear the hitch in her breath when the movement excited her. Kerry’s chest tightened and her own breathing hitched as she tried not to let the thought overwhelm her. Not right now, not with Abby here.

“Kerry…” Abby began, noting the way the redhead’s breathing had changed. “Is there anything I can do?”

Against her better judgement, Kerry opened her eyes and tears pooled in them immediately but she only flashed a look at Abby briefly before shaking her head. There was truly nothing Abby could do. There was nothing anyone could do.

“Have you heard about a funeral?” Multiple people had been wondering in the ER and Abby hadn’t had an answer for them.

“I’ve called them,” Kerry whispered, sipping in a quick breath. “I don’t get a lot of information. I’m not sure where yet, but they want to do it on Saturday.”

“Tomorrow,” Abby added, unsure if Kerry even knew what day of the week it was anymore. Kerry hadn’t realized, and suddenly the thought of bringing herself to her wife’s funeral suffocated her. “Do you… do you want me to go with you?” Abby offered cautiously.

Kerry shook her head. “No, no. You’re busy. You don’t need to take-” she began before Abby cut her off.

“I’ll be there anyway,” Abby assured her. She’d really come to like Sandy, quite a lot, actually. She certainly had not gotten to get to know her as much as she would have hoped, but she’d expected to have a lot more time. She knew Susan and Elizabeth were planning on going as well and knew it shouldn’t be a problem now that Kerry had told her when it was planned for; they had all taken Saturday off already, as it was supposed to be Kerry’s baby shower that Sandy and Susan were throwing. “I’ll pick you up.”

Kerry didn’t have the strength in her to argue and instead just nodded in agreement. “I don’t have anything to wear.” Kerry added. The thought had plagued her in bursts over the last 24 hours but it wasn’t as if she’d had the drive to go dress shopping. Nothing in her closet fit her anymore and certainly nothing black.

“I can pick something up for you.” Abby assured her. She hoped she would have time, depending on when exactly the funeral was, but maybe Elizabeth had some maternity clothes still lying around and she made a mental note to call her when she got home. 

At another stressor relieved, Kerry’s composure began to crack slightly and she whispered a silent ‘thanks.’ The silence resumed and Abby stroked Stinky’s head absently as Kerry’s breathing seemed to even out again. 

“Did you know the building was empty?” Kerry asked suddenly behind closed eyes. Abby tried to decode her meaning but was stumped.

“What?”

“The building. A warehouse. There was no one in it.” She needed so desperately to talk about this, the simple fact had been eating her alive. “They should have let it burn.”

Abby hadn’t heard that the building was empty and a chill ran through her body. When emergency workers sustained injuries or lost their lives on the job, it wasn’t _easier_ if they had been saving a life, but there was a comfort in knowing that others were alive because of them. To know Sandy had lost her life trying to put out the fire in an empty building…. It didn’t feel fair.

Their conversation was interrupted by the intercom buzzing and Stinky was quickly on alert again, barking at the loud box on the wall. Kerry began to rise off the couch but Abby put out a hand to stop her. Abby rose and moved to the box, holding down the button. “Hello?”

“Hi, it’s Eduardo.” A male voice answered from the other end and Abby turned to look for Kerry’s response. Though the look in her eyes clearly told another story, Kerry’s nod gave Abby her approval and Abby buzzed him in. 

“Sandy’s brother.” Kerry clarified, unclipping her hair and trying to neaten it before clipping it back up. “I forgot he was coming.”

“Why is he here?” Abby asked, knowing Kerry did not have the greatest relationship with Sandy’s family and wondering why her brother of all people would be showing up.

“To get…” Kerry started, needing to take a steadying breath before continuing. “To get clothes for Sandy.” Kerry collected her crutch and pushed herself up off of the couch, Abby seeing why it had taken Kerry so long to answer the door. Every movement seemed pained and unsteady, and Kerry took a few moments to adjust to being upright before she moved into the bedroom. “You can send him back here.” She said over her shoulder.

It had thankfully been a while since Abby had buried anyone, she had forgotten all of the details that went into it, including preparing a body for burial. She couldn’t imagine how hard it had been for Kerry to go through Sandy’s clothing alone. The mental image distracted her until she heard a knock at the door, Stinky running in from the bedroom where he had followed Kerry. Abby opened the door.

She recognized him from the hospital, when the Lopezes had caught up to Sandy’s gurney as they brought her up to surgery, but his eyes seemed sunken and darker, the loss of his sister obviously having hit him hard.

“Hey, uh, is Kerry here?” He was obviously taken aback by the random woman in Kerry and Sandy’s apartment but as Abby spoke she could tell he placed where he had seen her before.

“Yeah, she’s in the bedroom, she said you could go back.” Abby held the door open for him as he uncomfortably made his way in. He began to walk in the direction of the bedroom when Abby stopped him. “You guys can’t shut her out.” The words came out before Abby could stop them. Eduardo turned around.

“I’m sorry?” He immediately turned ice cold.

“They were partners.” Abby couldn’t look at him and knew she was overstepping, but she couldn’t help herself. “No matter how you and your family feel about that… Kerry loved Sandy. Sandy loved Kerry. They’re having a baby. You can’t shut Kerry out.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Eduardo turned back and continued toward the bedroom and Abby mentally kicked herself for having spoken at all. 

  
  
  


Susan and Elizabeth sat silently in Kerry’s living room, the only noise coming from the occasionally heavy breathing of Stinky who was sleeping on the floor in the middle of what was evidently an exciting dream. Susan sat awkwardly with her hands in her lap, grinding the sole of her black pump into the carpet underneath her. Elizabeth, across the room in the lounge chair, was equally uncomfortable, though that was more due to the unbearable heat of the barely air conditioned apartment in the middle of the summer. She didn’t have many black summer clothes, so she had opted for a quarter sleeved black dress, but was regretting that decision as she could already feel her hairline getting sticky with sweat.

The women weren’t uncomfortable with each other, but rather felt the need to be quiet under the circumstances. They were waiting for Kerry to finish getting ready, and then Elizabeth, Susan, and Abby would accompany Kerry to the funeral. They decided it would be better in numbers, a group of women accompanying Kerry a lot less curious than one mystery woman accompanying her; they didn’t want Sandy’s family thinking anything inappropriate, making accusations and snap judgments out of ignorance. As a group, it would be much more obvious that they were there to support a friend in her time of need, though Elizabeth wasn’t the only one surprised to find herself considered one of Kerry’s friends. The circumstances of the pregnancy had somehow brought the three of them closer to the reserved woman, and it would not surprise any of them to discover that the recent tragic developments would solidify them in Kerry’s life. She was going to need help, there was no doubt about it.

When they’d arrived, Kerry had just emerged from the shower, which was further along than Abby had expected her to be. When she’d left her the day before, she’d practically collapsed in bed the second Eduardo left, citing the baby for her sudden fatigue. Abby had taken Stinky out to potty and, after bringing him back in, brought the rest of Kerry’s soup in to her but she was already out cold. She left it on the bedside table and snuck out, trying not to wake Kerry from what Abby was sure was her first real sleep in days.

Abby was concerned that Kerry still hadn’t eaten and brought the only food she could think that the redhead might be able to stomach, and luckily it was finally in prime season. Kerry ate bites of watermelon between steps of getting ready, trying on a few of the black maternity dresses Elizabeth had brought over among the pile of maternity clothes. The one she’d settled on looked like a tent to Kerry as she held it up in front of herself, but once she pulled it over her head and around her still growing body, she noticed even this dress seemed to be snug around her midsection. It was long, Elizabeth a few inches taller than herself, but Kerry didn’t care that the hem nearly reached her ankles. She didn’t care about much, these days. The only thing she cared about each morning when she woke up was making it to the end of the day. That was all she could ask of herself.

Kerry dusted the lightest bit of makeup on her face, just enough to make her look less sickly, something to put a little color into her cheeks. She fumbled with the clasp of her necklace, the silver heart pendant Sandy had given her that day in the nursery, until Abby wordlessly stepped behind her and took the chain in her own hands, clasping it and laying a brief hand on Kerry’s shoulder before stepping out of the bedroom. She considered pinning her hair back but decided the option to shake her hair in front of her face was one she would want, should she be unable to control herself at any point. Kerry didn’t anticipate losing her composure, she’d had yet to again since breaking down in Abby’s arms the day Sandy passed, but she never knew. The baby made her emotions unpredictable, even before the love of her life was snatched out of her arms, out of her world.

“You okay?” Abby turned to Kerry in the car where they sat in the back seat. Elizabeth was driving but her eyes ventured a peek in the rearview mirror at the sound of Kerry’s sharp intake of breath, Susan having turned around in the passengers seat when she’d heard it as well.

“Fine.” Kerry turned to the window, her eyes scanning the passing buildings as they moved out of downtown Chicago, toward the cemetery where Sandy would be buried. Occasionally, her brain would lead her down a dark spiral of thoughts and suddenly she’d realize she wasn’t breathing, her lungs gasping for air before her brain even noticed she was deprived.

The funeral had been nice, as far as funerals go. Surprisingly, Sandy’s family had allowed Kerry the front pew on the other side of the aisle from where they sat and, though the hard benches set her hip ablaze, she somehow kept her composure throughout the entire thing. When the casket had been carried out, she’d walked behind Sandy’s siblings as they followed Florina and Guillermo, who trailed closely behind the casket. Kerry had to turn off, out of the procession, to lean subtly but heavily against the wall in the entrance to the church as a Braxton Hicks contraction seized her insides. They had become more consistent, stronger, and more inconvenient in the last few days, so while it didn’t surprise Kerry it still frustrated her to not be able to keep up. Abby was soon at her side and Kerry was grateful it was her and not someone else; Abby understood her. Abby understood that Kerry didn’t want to talk. She understood that shutting down was the only way she was going to get through everything. Abby did her best to make sure she ate, which kept the baby healthy, but did not pressure Kerry into anything she wasn’t ready for. Like talking. 

As they drove through the cemetery, Kerry began to worry about the terrain, hoping that there were chairs set up at the burial site. Walking through grass was never easy, but thrown off balance by the extra 20 pounds at her midsection, Kerry was nervous about keeping her footing. But eventually they were all sitting around the still empty grave, listening to the priest go on about God, something Kerry wasn’t entirely sure existed anymore. How could God tear Sandy away from them, at 29 years old, two months before their baby was due? She saw tragedies every day, she’d seen what her God was capable of, but this? This was unfathomable. It didn’t make sense to Kerry and it didn’t sound like the God she knew. 

Her eyes scanned the crowd. She was touched to see Luka, Carter, and Lydia had somehow escaped the ER for the burial, Abby having mentioned something about them not being able to get out in time to make the funeral. As her eyes continued to scan the faces surrounding them, she recognized Sandy’s immediate family and the guys from the fire station, but there was an even bigger crowd of people she didn’t recognize, though she could tell they were extended family. To have such a large family… Kerry didn’t understand that, either.

In what felt like a flash, suddenly they were at the Lopez's home for the wake; there was food and idle chatter as people shared their memories of the Lopez girl, gone too soon. People paid their respects to the family, and Sandy’s coworkers approached Kerry with condolences, but they seemed to be the only ones who knew who Kerry was, that the baby she was carrying was Sandy’s child. The news obviously had not been shared by the Lopezes, the obituary stating Kerry was one of those left behind, but not in what capacity and there was no mention of their child.

Kerry could see Elizabeth, Susan, and Abby chatting with Carlos by the buffet table as she exited the bathroom. She didn’t get very long between bathroom breaks these days, but relished the time alone, with no one watching her with concerned eyes and a sympathetic smile. She needed the time to breath, to feel her feelings without an audience checking in with her every few minutes. 

She could take a left and work her way back toward the women who had accompanied her here or she could take a right and slip out to the back porch and get some air. She and Sandy had spent many a holiday hiding on that porch, Kerry usually talking Sandy down from her grand plans of homicide after her mother made one of her customary subtle, homophobic remarks. 

Opting for the second option, she moved through the house until she reached the slider at the back, sliding it open and stepping out into the humid July air.

Florina sat, quietly and unmoving, at the other end of the porch, flashing a look over her shoulder at the sound of the door opening.

“I’m sorry, I can leave you-” Kerry began, turning back toward the door.

“No.” Florina stopped her. “You can stay.”

Kerry debated, but upon realizing how desperate she was to get away from the hoards of mourners, she shut the door again and moved toward one of the lounge chairs. She could feel Florina’s eyes on her as she tried to lower herself gracefully into the low seat, but truthfully sat with more of a thud, leaning back against the slightly reclined backrest.

“How are you feeling?” Florina asked, much to Kerry’s surprise. She hadn’t seemed concerned about Kerry… ever. Placing a hand on her stomach, as if she could evaluate herself better that way, Kerry debated whether she would be truthful with Sandy’s mother.

“I’m fine,” Kerry eventually answered. 

“And the baby?” Florina’s eyes briefly found Kerry’s stomach before looking away.

“She is fine, too.”

“ _ She _ ,” Florina repeated, her eyes scanning over the view of the neighboring buildings from her seat. “It’s a girl.”

“Yes,” Kerry confirmed. They hadn’t known when they’d told her of the pregnancy and they hadn’t heard from Florina since. “Sandy wanted to name her Emma.”

Kerry saw Florina’s face screw up slightly, holding back her emotions to the best of her ability. “Emma.” She tested the name in her mouth.

Kerry considered her next statement carefully. She’d been thinking about it a lot lately. She wasn’t sure how Sandy would have felt but it was important to Kerry, now that Sandy was gone.

“I would still like you to be a part of her life.” Kerry’s heart raced, though she knew it was her fear of rejection rearing its ugly head. Allowing herself this vulnerability with absolutely no idea of the outcome took more out of Kerry than she expected it to. “She is Sandy’s daughter. I would like her to know her grandparents, her family.”

The request hung in the air until it dried and crumpled to the ground, Florina not responding or making any sort of indication that she had heard Kerry at all. Kerry was close to giving up, having started to prepare herself to attempt to rise out of the low chair, when Florina finally spoke again.

“If Sandy -” Florina began, and Kerry settled back into her seat, cautious about the direction Florina was about to take them in. “If Sandy had been… carrying that baby. She wouldn’t have been in that building.”

The flood of emotion, disgust, heartbreak, shock, all hit Kerry so quickly she was surprised she had managed to keep the little food she’d been able to eat down. She could not believe what she was hearing.

“I’m not blaming you,” Florina continued, though it certainly felt like blame to Kerry, who suddenly felt like she could not breath. “I just… I cannot help that thought, every time I look at you. And I would think it every time I looked at the baby. Sandy’s child, who will look nothing like her. She will not share our blood.” Kerry wondered if Florina knew what she was saying, the pain she was inflicting. She gave her the benefit of the doubt, because if a person consciously inflicted this sort of pain… they themselves were worthy of a torturous demise. Florina’s own heartache, however, was clear when she finally brought her eyes up to meet Kerry’s. “I don’t know if I am strong enough to handle that.”

Truthfully, Kerry had nothing to say. The pain of the implications of her words - that their baby wasn’t Sandy’s enough to be treated as part of the family, that Kerry and Sandy’s relationship wasn’t valid enough to make this child theirs instead of hers, that, by carrying the baby instead of Sandy, Kerry aligned the fates to work out the way they did - that agony burned through Kerry’s chest as she stared dumbfounded at the older woman from across the porch. Finally, Kerry summoned all of her strength to rise out of the lounge chair, tightening her grip on the handle of her crutch as a way to siphon all of the energy she now felt bursting through her chest. Without a word, and almost breathlessly, Kerry pulled the slider open and receded back into the house, leaving Florina alone once again.

Kerry found Susan first, as she scanned the family photos that decorated the walls of the living room.

“We need to leave,” Kerry whispered hastily, her eyes darting around the room like a trapped animal.

“Why, are you feeling okay?” Susan asked, surprised at Kerry’s sudden energy shift.

“No,” Susan was sure it was the first time she’d heard Kerry respond to that question with anything other than ‘I’m fine’ and immediately began scanning the room for Elizabeth and Abby. 

“Do we need to go to the hospital?” Susan asked quietly as her mind immediately jumped to labor.

“No, I need to go home.” Kerry bit at the inside of her cheeks, then moved shakily towards the door. “I will be outside.”

“Don’t go down those stairs without us,” Susan instructed before she could stop herself, though now she worried that Kerry would try it in defiance. Kerry had been on her feet so much today, though, that even the thought of attempting the front steps to the Lopez’s home filled her with anxiety. Instead, she waited just outside the front door, until Abby and Elizabeth quickly joined her, Susan at their heels.

“Are you having contractions?” Abby asked nervously, positioning herself steadily at Kerry’s left side and grabbing her arm securely as they began taking the steps one at a time, Elizabeth speed walking to her car to pull it closer.

“No,” Kerry snapped, her frustration and overstimulation of people and touching and pain and heartbreak all finally getting to her, and she shook Abby off of herself as they reached the last few steps. “I just need to go, is that a problem? I just need to get out of here.”

Abby and Susan exchanged worried glances as Kerry moved as quickly as she could toward the car and swung open the back door as soon as Elizabeth unlocked it, heaving herself in with some difficulty but with no indication that she desired any help. The younger women got in, Abby beside Kerry and Susan in the front, and it hit Kerry with an intense blow that more likely than not, she’d never see the Lopez family again.

  
  
  


Stinky was happy to see Kerry, Abby, and Susan return, Elizabeth having to leave after dropping them off to pick Ella up from her babysitter. Kerry wearily moved directly toward the bedroom, shutting the door behind her. She needed quiet as the anxiety continued to flare in her chest. Logically, she didn’t understand why she was being so affected by Florina’s words, she hadn’t expected anything less from Sandy’s mother. But she had not expected the blame or the guilt. She hadn’t even thought of it in those terms, that if Sandy had been carrying the baby… Kerry shook the thought from her head. It was irrational and it was untrue. Sandy did not want to carry the baby, it was not something Kerry had taken from her. 

A light rap at her door pulled Kerry from her thoughts and she realized she’d been standing in the middle of her bedroom, unmoving. She moved toward her bed and the large box of maternity clothes Elizabeth had brought by with the dresses, Kerry having grown out of a lot of what she had. Kerry ignored the presence at her door and instead rifled through the box until she found clothes that looked like they would be comfortable, desperate to get out of the black dress and into something else, anything else.

She pulled out what looked to be a nursing top, a light green, thin material that was soft enough to lounge in but not hot enough that she would roast. Pushing aside a few more tops, she eventually found maternity sweatpants, pulling those out as well and setting them to the side. The knock at her door became a little more insistent and as she sat herself on the side of the bed she finally responded. 

“What?” She waited to pull off her dress, figuring the presence on the other side of the door would eventually enter the room.

“Can I come in?” It was Abby, who waited until what sounded like a soft ‘okay’ came from in the bedroom. She saw Kerry had pulled some clothes from the box on the bed and instead of immediately speaking, she moved to the box, taking the rest of the clothes out and folding them into neat piles on the bed as she spoke. “I can put these away for you, if you tell me where you want them.”

Kerry leaned back on her elbows, stretching her back out gently. “The box is fine.”

Abby lightly shook her head, instead piling the clothes on top of Kerry’s dresser. It was better than having an unsightly box taking up space. When her menial task was complete, she turned back to Kerry. She didn’t know what to say, she had so many questions: Are you okay? What happened at the wake? Are you hungry? But she knew Kerry wouldn’t answer anything honestly. Instead, Abby moved toward the hallway, stopping briefly to look back at the redhead.

“We’re going to hang out a bit, if you need us. We’ll feed Stinky and put some of the food away.” As was customary when someone died, Kerry suddenly had more casseroles in her fridge than she could count and Lydia had dropped one off that morning before her shift as well. Kerry nodded slightly, though wished more than anything that they would leave. Abby shut the door just as the buzzer to the apartment sounded. Susan managed to shush Stinky before he was able to bark at the sound and reached the buzzer quickly. 

“Hello?” 

“Hi, I have catering from Alexanders.” The voice called back and Susan’s eyes widened, turning to Abby.

“I forgot to cancel the catering.” She said, alarmed, before turning back to the buzzer. “I’ll buzz you up, you can leave it in the hallway. Please don’t ring the bell, the uh- the baby is asleep.” She lied with a panicked shrug, trying to keep Kerry from noticing the food delivery. She buzzed him in and turned to Abby, the reminder of what this day was originally supposed to be clenched at her heart painfully. “Dammit. I hope you’re hungry.”

  
  
  


Abby and Susan had managed to get the food from Alexanders in tupperware, freezing what could be frozen, getting a few meals ready to go in the fridge, and packing the rest up to take home. It was more food than the two of them could eat, but Susan knew Chuck would have no problem in helping, and Abby - upon remembering that John wouldn’t be in her apartment when she got there - thought maybe she’d bring her portion into work, someone was sure to be hungry.

As the two women prepared to head out for the night, Abby for her shift and Susan for home, Abby moved back toward the door to Kerry’s bedroom, knocking on it lightly before turning the handle and it slowly creaked open.

Kerry was laying in bed, but her head raised slightly at the sound of the door opening.

“Sorry, did I wake you?” Abby whispered, moving into the dark room.

“No, I wasn’t sleeping.” Kerry let her head rest back onto the pillow. She had a hard time sleeping in the empty bed, but with Abby and Susan in the apartment, she didn’t have much of a choice.

“Susan is taking Stinky out and then we’re gonna get going,” Abby came and sat on the side of the bed as they spoke. “I made a plate of food for you in the fridge, all you have to do is put it in the microwave. You should eat soon, it’s been almost 8 hours since you last had anything.” Abby didn’t like sounding like a nag, but there was no other way to get Kerry to eat than to constantly remind her.

“Thank you,” Kerry whispered. She was suddenly terrified to be left alone, after a whole afternoon of wishing to be. They’d buried Sandy today. Sandy was officially gone. Kerry was alone. The enormity of that fact hit her all at once and her left had grabbed at her pillow, squeezing at a fistful of it as she swallowed her request for Abby to stay.

“Do you need anything else? Do you want me to get you some water?” Abby offered, fully aware that even if Kerry needed something she wouldn’t ask for it.

As predicted, Kerry shook her head.

“Okay… well I’ll be at County, so you can page me or call the front desk, and Susan is going to be at home and she left her number on the pad by the phone. If you need anything, please call us, okay?” Kerry nodded again, this time closing her eyes and Abby gently pat where she knew Kerry’s leg was under the covers. Abby rose off the bed and moved to the door, stopping one last time to turn back toward the silent older woman. “Please call, Kerry.”

Abby waited a moment, to see if she’d get any indication that Kerry would, but when she got no response, she left, leaving the door open so Stinky could join her when he returned from his potty break. Abby wished more than anything that she could help Kerry, but there was only so much she could do, so much Kerry allowed her to do.

Abby spent most of her shift by the phone, her anxiety over leaving Kerry alone eating away at her when she was not busy in traumas. Kerry would call, Abby assured herself. She was a doctor, she knew the risks, the warning signs. She would call if there was a problem with her pregnancy, if the baby was in trouble.

But what Abby was even more sure of was that Kerry would not call for any other reason; not for any physical help, not for emotional support. Abby knew how this part went, she and Kerry were not very different in that way, but what Abby was realizing now as she watched from the outside was that a resistance to help did not equal strength. Abby had always wanted to conquer her hurdles on her own, because she was strong enough. Watching Kerry close off from everyone around her, however, was eye opening in more ways than one for the younger woman.

Abby knew they made it clear to Kerry that they were there for her, if she needed them, but whether Kerry would allow herself that help, that vulnerability, was an entirely different story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof. And thus we enter a new world within our story.
> 
> I can now finally ask if anyone recognized the necklace from that scene in the nursery (in chapter 12) from the show? I wanted to ask back then but didn't want to accidentally make the direction the fic was moving in obvious. But I spent a long time watching that particular scene in the show trying to describe the necklace, which is a bit of an optical illusion, correctly. 
> 
> Also, if you are not on Tumblr, I did write a one shot for the Home universe, set between chapters 6 and 7, so if you are needing a little pick me up after this, you can head over and read that on Tumblr (my username is pgkwriter) but I will try to link it [here](https://pgkwriter.tumblr.com/post/634721664713867264/20-where-the-hells-my-crutch-its-from-an-idea)
> 
> I also wrote a new one shot that I've posted here on Ao3 as a peace offering of sorts after chapter 21. It was fun to live in a different universe for a while. But I hope you all enjoyed this chapter and are still hanging in there. Thanks again for all your kind words on the last few chapters, you've really kept me going!
> 
> (Oh, and, I realized the due date I had for Kerry was actually her 38th week and not her 40th, so little Emma is technically due on October 5th, not September 21! I am so frustrated with myself for the blip but oh well! I've gone back and fixed it so if you're confused as to what I'm talking about... just ignore this 😂)


	23. A World of Her Own Making

Kerry wasn’t sure how long she had been standing with the refrigerator doors open before the door alarm began to sound, seemingly jump-starting her brain back into function. She closed the fridge doors and reminded herself of the task at hand: she needed to eat something. She opened the doors again and studied the contents. There were three casseroles in her fridge that were still good; Kerry had thrown out a few at this point, unsure of who these people thought they were feeding with all this food, their family - no, _her_ family - wasn’t very big. It was just Kerry and the dog, now. Not even a baby, yet. Just Kerry and the dog, who was whining at her side as she stared into the open fridge.

Finally deciding she couldn’t stomach anything - her appetite not having returned in the week since the funeral in addition to the baby taking up all the room in her abdomen that used to be available for her stomach - Kerry instead opted for a glass of water, grabbing a glass from the cupboard and pouring from the chilled pitcher that resided in her fridge.

“Connor is coming to take you out,” she spoke out loud to the dog, an action that would have amused her weeks ago, but now, Stinky was the only constant in her life, aside from Abby. Abby only came by an hour or two every night, but Kerry was starting to get frustrated with what felt like being babysat, and would much prefer to just talk to the dog all night. That’s what she had begun to tell herself, anyway. Over the course of the seven days since the funeral, Kerry’s heartbreak had gradually turned to fury. Everything made her angry. The dog’s whining made her angry. Abby’s presence made her angry. The pain in her pelvis, her hip, her back made her angry.

Sandy’s absence made her angry.

She couldn’t take the silence of the empty apartment anymore and nothing distracted her. She’d try to read, but her mind would easily drift off to places she didn’t want it to go. Television reminded her too much of Sandy, her wife’s love for TV something that had yet to rub off on her. 

Kerry placed the pitcher back inside the fridge and got lost in it again, her eyes scanning the contents until they fell on the two remaining bottles of Heineken. She suddenly remembered Sandy’s hands, wrapping around her from behind. She could still feel their warmth as they explored her stomach; the night she’d told Sandy of the twins vividly replaying itself in her head.

_“Oh my god,” Kerry laughed half-heartedly, standing fully erect with a hand on her chest as her heart resumed regular function, “I hate when you do that.”_

_“Sorry,” Kerry leaned back into her wife who resumed her favorite position: hugging Kerry from behind and letting her hands settle on the small swell of their baby. “How are we doing?”_

_“We are… doing okay. You’re home early, which we like...” Sandy kissed the side of Kerry’s face and let go, grabbing a beer from the opened fridge before taking a seat at the island. “And I only got sick three times at work today, a current personal record, I might add.”_

_“I don’t know how you do it.” Sandy teased, taking a swig of her beer before setting it on top of a stack of papers in front of her._

The doorbell rang and Stinky barked, the sudden noise startling Kerry out of her flashback and the water glass slipped from her hand, shattering on the kitchen floor.

“Damnit,” Kerry cursed, stepping back out of the mess slightly, grateful to be at least in her house shoes. She leaned down to grab the largest piece of glass but could not reach the floor, her protruding stomach keeping the glass at least a few inches out of her reach. She shifted angles slightly, leaning against her extended crutch, and gave it another try but it was hopeless and the doorbell rang again, the visitor on the other side clearly lacking patience. She pulled herself back to her full height and pushed aside the chunks of glass with the rubber tip of her crutch before moving toward the front door. The neighbors’ son Connor had started taking Stinky for walks before and after school for a few dollars and Kerry appreciated the couple times a day she did not need to make the trip outside. She grabbed Stinky’s leash off of the coat tree by the door and handed it over, thanking the young boy as he attached the leash to Stinky’s collar and walked him in the direction of the elevator. Kerry shut the door and moved back to the kitchen slowly, noting the time on her watch as she did so.

Kerry knew Abby was sure to arrive any minute. Abby had stopped by every night since the funeral, either before or after her shift, to check on Kerry, make sure she was eating, prep dinner for her if she hadn’t, and take Stinky out if he needed it. While Kerry was grateful for the help with the dog, she was starting to have a hard time coping with being observed, being catered to, being checked on. She did not need watching, she could handle things on her own. She had before - she had spent practically 20 years of her life alone - and she could do it again.

And yet, she hated the uncharacteristic silence of her empty apartment.

To save herself from an unnecessary lecture from Abby, Kerry pulled out the broccoli and chicken casserole Lydia had dropped off, figuring it was the last day to eat it, and scooped a few spoonfuls into a dish and heated it in the microwave. She stood and leaned heavily against the counter as another Braxton Hicks tightened her uterus, giving her uterine muscles their workout for the day, though she could not imagine it would need any more practice than it had already gotten. The practice contractions seemed to last forever these days, as well, and normally the 30 second timer on the microwave would be sufficient to time one. This time, however, Kerry let out a shuddered breath and waited an additional 20 seconds for the contraction to end before opening the microwave door and pulling out the plate. She grabbed a fork from the drawer and was careful to step around the broken glass as she moved toward the island stool and pushed herself up, appreciating getting her weight off of her feet. Having a hard time even pretending the unevenly heated contents of her bowl looked appetizing, she pushed around the food with her fork and only got a few bites down before she heard a knock at her door, followed by the sound of it opening slowly.

“Kerry?” Abby’s voice called through the apartment, and Kerry heard the door shut followed by the sound of Abby’s shoes making their way toward her. The kitchen door opened gently and Abby immediately noticed the mess on the floor, scanning the entire space before looking up to Kerry. “What happened?”

“I dropped a glass.” Kerry said matter of factly, finally managing to eat another bite of the casserole, though she chewed it for a few extra seconds while she worked up her stomach to be able to handle the rich bite. Abby leaned down and began collecting the larger pieces of glass in her hand. “Abby, I’ve got it, just leave it there.” Kerry instructed, but Abby ignored her, dumping the large pieces into the trash before grabbing the hand broom from under the sink and sweeping up the smaller shards. “Abby, I said I’ve got it, leave it alone!” Kerry eventually snapped, Abby’s head lifting at the temper in the redhead's voice.

“You’re going to step in glass, Kerry, I’m just picking it up.” Abby said with slight force, making it clear that it was not up for debate. Kerry had certainly begun to harden again over the last few days, though Abby couldn’t blame her. She knew things were getting even more difficult for Kerry, that her mobility was even worse than it had been and that the sudden emptiness of the apartment could not be easy for her, adjusting to Sandy’s absence something Abby knew would take years, not days. She watched out of the corner of her eye while she cleaned up the glass as Kerry took bite after pained bite of whatever leftover she had decided to heat up. Abby was glad to see her eating, whether or not she was really enjoying it, and allowed silence to drape over the room as she scraped the contents of the dust pan into the trash under the sink.

“Where’s Stinky?” Abby asked as she stood back up, brushing her hands off on her pants and looking around the quiet kitchen as if the dog wouldn’t have accosted her at the front door if he had been around.

“Walk,” was all Kerry offered, looking down into her plate. Abby rubbed subtly at her temple, trying to swallow her frustration with the older woman. After eating as much as she was capable of, Kerry slid off of the stool in a huff and moved toward a stack of files that sat in the corner of the kitchen. She leaned her crutch against the table and one by one slid the files into her work bag that had been sitting in one of the kitchen chairs for the last week.

“Do you want me to bring those back to your office?” 

“I think I’m capable of carrying a few files,” Kerry snapped again, shoving the file in her hand roughly into the bag. Abby’s eyebrows raised.

“You’re going into work?” She asked carefully, coming up to lean against the island.

“Well I’m not just going to sit around here…” Kerry began, getting the last of the files into the bag and zipping it up, needing to shake it slightly to neaten the contents in order to get the zipper to shut fully around the stack of overdue paperwork, charts, and journals that she had finally caught up on in her endeavor to keep distracted.

“I think you should, Kerry…” Abby began carefully from her position at the island. “I think you should take a leave.”

“I’ve already taken a leave,” Kerry responded quickly.

“It’s only been a week. You should take some time off. Give yourself some time to grieve, to have the baby. No one would blame you if you wanted to start your maternity leave early…” Abby’s voice trailed off, knowing full well Kerry might have been listening but was internally shutting down every single suggestion Abby threw her way.

“I’m not going to sit around this empty apartment for the next eight weeks,” Kerry said with the strength of her convictions, shifting her weight subtly off of her left leg. She wanted desperately to sit down, but not with Abby suggesting she was incapable of working. She’d prove to Abby that she was just as capable as ever, of at least making it into work and working at her desk. 

“I think that’s exactly what you should-” Abby started before the doorbell rang. Kerry knew it was the neighbor’s boy and Stinky back from their walk; she felt extra grateful in this moment that she paid him upfront at the beginning of the week for daily walks, leaving her unrequired to leave the kitchen in this moment and as Abby moved to let them in, Kerry lowered herself into one of the kitchen table chairs. As she had good and bad days with her hip and pelvis, this was a particularly bad day and standing for too long was beginning to send waves of white hot pain throughout both hips and into her lower back. Stinky soon joined her in the kitchen, Abby not far behind him, and Abby moved toward the pantry to grab Stinky’s food.

“Abby, I can do that.” Kerry said roughly, pushing herself into a standing position, albeit slowly.

“I’ll just feed him quickly before I go, it’s no big deal,” Abby tossed casually over her shoulder, scooping Stinky’s food from the container in the pantry.

“I can take care of that myself,” Kerry continued, moving herself toward Abby and beginning to shut the pantry door, separating Abby and the dog food.

“I can feed him, Kerry, it’s not a big deal, I’m already here.”

“Abby, I said I would feed him, I've got it!” Kerry eventually raised her voice and Abby backed up, scoop in hand. In the same instant that she moved to pour the food from the scoop into the bowl at her feet, Kerry pushed the bowl to the side hastily with her crutch, the food pouring out onto the floor, none of it reaching its target. 

“Kerry!” Abby exclaimed, finally pushed further than she had been all week. “I’m just trying to help you!”

“I don’t need help!” Kerry cried, the scattering of dog food on the floor the final, overwhelming moment after a week of holding everything in. “I don’t need help, I need my wife back.” She said sharply, tears finally flowing from her eyes, her voice cracking as she leaned heavily onto the crutch in her right hand, Abby straightening and looking at her like a deer in the headlights. “Can you do that? Can you bring her back?”

It almost sounded like a real question, and Abby wasn’t sure what to say as she watched Kerry’s composure crack until she was practically doubled over as far as her body would allow, wracked with sobs as her despair flooded out of her in waves. Abby wanted to move to her, grab her in her arms like she had the night Sandy passed away, but something was telling Abby the comfort would not be received with the same gratitude it had been that night. Kerry was certainly in the anger stage of grief, and while she watched the older woman sob in front of her, she knew a fury unlike Abby had ever experienced before burned in her chest.

“No?” Kerry asked rhetorically from behind a shield of tears as soon as she found her breath again, slamming the kitchen door open and limping heavily toward the front door, throwing it open with an equal force. “Then _get out_ ,” she snarled, gasping at breaths, the flood of emotions taking out every last piece of energy she had in her body. She continued to breath heavily as she stared at Abby who stood across the room, in the entrance to the kitchen. Their eyes locked for a brief moment as Abby tried to figure out how serious Kerry was, but when there was absolutely no indication that she would be backing down, Abby collected her purse from where she sat it between the banisters on the shelf separating the living room from the entranceway and she moved toward the opened door.

Abby looked at Kerry briefly as she walked past her, almost as if she wanted to say something, but she didn’t and instead moved toward the elevator in complete silence. Kerry watched her go until the elevator doors closed in front of her, then she turned back into her apartment and shut the door, what was left of her composure shattering before the door even latched. Her knees threatened to buckle from underneath her but she managed to bring herself to the couch, collapsing on top of it as sobs wracked her body, the sobs she had been holding in for nine days. She’d fought so hard to keep these feelings contained, to keep herself functional. She knew the second she allowed herself to lean into these emotions it would be a long time coming before she was able to work her way out again and as she sobbed into her couch cushions, she realized just how right she was. There was no light at the end of the tunnel for Kerry, just broken, lonely despair. The absence of Sandy’s eyes, her voice, her arms around her, it was all suffocating, and Kerry had to try very hard to find the will to want to go on without her, to go into the next part of her life alone. Though she was used to that particular lifestyle, the addition of a baby, her own baby, made everything exponentially scarier and as Kerry seemed to run out of tears to cry, she rubbed her stomach comfortingly, right over a spot where she could feel her daughter. She wasn’t completely alone, Kerry reminded herself. It was just the two of them now, though, and Kerry prayed that the baby wouldn’t push her past her tipping point. 

  
  
  


It was impossible to focus, Kerry concluded, shifting in her office chair for the fourth time in the last two minutes. She could not find a comfortable position, no matter how many times she shifted her bottom in the normally comfortable black chair. It had been over a week since she sat behind her desk and the new distance at which Kerry had to reach for the keyboard due to the circumference of her stomach made Kerry’s typing sloppy and unpracticed, two words she never appreciated tied to herself. Finally, after a ten minute argument with her word processor, Kerry pushed aside her keyboard and collected the notes Anspaugh had taken for her at the last board meeting. She flipped through them for a while until she felt her uterus tightening roughly, the pain radiating from her back and moving tightly around her stomach, leaving her breathless as she leaned over her desk. Sleeping predominantly on the couch for the twelve nights since Sandy had passed had done no favors for her aching body, her back and hips feeling the brunt of the lack of support and taking the opportunity of each contraction to make their irritation known. As she breathed through her third contraction since arriving at work that morning, she was not sure how she was going to handle eight more weeks of them, but she was determined to keep the baby cooking as long as possible. Coburn had even suggested induction around 38 weeks, especially since the baby was still measuring slightly bigger for her gestational age and Kerry was a fairly small person. Kerry would hear none of it, however. They had spent the entire pregnancy worrying about the baby coming too early, why would they want to force her to come sooner than she was ready to? It had been yet another point of contention between the two doctors, but Janet had eventually backed off when Kerry finally conceded to a cesarean, if necessary. She had not had an appointment since Sandy had passed, however, and she was not looking forward to the first one without her wife. It would be another solidifier of her absence, another milestone to cross without her by her side. Sandy had been there for almost every appointment since the amnio, not wanting to miss another second of the pregnancy, and Kerry didn’t want to experience another second without her wife.

She shook herself from her thoughts as the contraction tapered off, and Kerry could see her stomach relax beneath her blouse. The Braxton Hicks contractions had plagued her for months now, but in her third trimester, they were getting almost intolerable. As were the baby’s movements; what used to be cute kicks and flutters against her skin were starting to feel like sucker punches and jabs, occasionally kicking at her ribs and knocking the wind out of her. The only thing that made them tolerable was the thought in Kerry’s head that at least Sandy would have found them amusing, her baby summoning all her strength and kicking ass before even exiting the womb. Kerry imagined a few different conversations with her wife, allowing herself to picture the excitement and pride on Sandy’s face each time Emma kicked strong enough to stop Kerry in her tracks. Sandy would be very proud of her strong daughter.

The aches and pains of her heavily pregnant body were keeping her from fully focusing on the work in front of her and she considered for just a moment that perhaps Abby was right and she should have stayed home. She did know that normally, a change of position helped quiet the practice contractions and she collected her crutch from beside her as she raised herself out of her chair, reaching forward with her left hand to steady herself against the desk as the shift in weight was still something she was getting used to, though she figured that by the time she was used to the gravity shift, the baby would be here and it would no longer be an issue. She continued with her effort to walk, in an attempt to silence the contractions, and she started by very slowly making her way across her office, deciding at the last minute to leave the meeting notes at her desk instead of allowing herself to be distracted, a fall the last thing she needed to add to her plate. Of course, by the time she reached her office door, the phone on her desk began to ring.

Steadily, Kerry turned herself back toward the desk and limped heavily in the direction of the repetitive sound. She reached across the desk, leaning against it as she brought the phone to her ear. “Dr. Kerry Weaver,” she began, relishing in a second of normalcy, even if it was brought only to the person on the other end of the phone.

It had been another complaint from the ER. Yet another 10 hour weight time, accompanied quickly by another call lamenting about their need to come back to the ER three times in a week to get a proper diagnosis. Kerry had gotten five similar phone calls throughout the day so far, and seven had been waiting for her in her messages upon arrival that morning. Kerry knew the ER was not an easy department to run, but she also knew if she still had her position, they would not be getting such phone calls. She needed to make Susan aware of the issues before they grew into something that was irredeemable.

Besides, a walk down to the ER would do her good, Kerry reasoned, the tightening in her back not quite letting up as she grabbed a steadier hold on the handle of her crutch. She’d need more than a chat with Susan, Kerry knew, before the anxiety of leaving the ER in the hands of an inexperienced chief would leave her completely. If Kerry could be Chief of Staff _and_ Chief of the ER she would be much more comfortable, but as it stood, she’d need to talk to Susan about her skills - or _lack_ of skills - in the managerial position.

“What are you doing here?” Luka said immediately as the elevator doors opened in front of Kerry and she exited, and he watched her carefully as his team pushed a patient into the elevator and traveled with him up to radiology.

“Working,” Kerry said without missing a beat or stopping for one second, scanning the halls for Susan. Although Luka took the hint and backed off his line of questioning, that did not stop the parade of sympathetic smiles as she moved through the department. The nurses looked up at the nurses station and watched her with sad eyes, Randi not so subtly stopped what she was doing and watched Kerry as she crossed between the admit desk and curtain one, and Gallant stepped out from behind a partially closed curtain at the sound of her crutch approaching.

“Hey, Dr. Weaver,” he said, reaching into his pocket and Kerry stopped and turned in his direction. “I just wanted to make sure you had my pager number.” He handed her the pre-written number on the back of a business card he’d snagged off of the front desk. “If you need anything…” It was clear he was losing his resolve as Kerry looked hollowly at the small rectangular card in her hand. “I live right around the corner.”

Kerry looked up and tried to smile, though it clearly did not reach her eyes, her protective emotional armor filtering any and all sympathy that tried to penetrate it.

“Thank you, Michael.”

Kerry nodded and turned back in the direction of the hallway, continuing her search without a second thought to the young man who was watching her compassionately as she walked away.

Chen practically ran into her as she passed Trauma 2.

“Oh, Kerry,” she began uncomfortably and Kerry unwillingly slowed to another stop. “I wanted to say how sorry I was to hear about Sandy.”

“Thank you,” Kerry replied curtly, not allowing herself to really register the words Jing Mei was saying.

“If you need anything-” the younger doctor began politely.

“Thank you,” she cut her off from what she was sure was an insincere, obligatory offer of support and finally made her escape, leaving Chen standing in the middle of the hallway.

Finally, much to Kerry’s relief, she spotted Susan in the suture room talking to Pratt. Kerry pushed the door open slightly. “Susan, I need to speak with you.”

Susan’s eyes widened at the presence of the redhead, surprised to see her at work. She finished her conversation with Pratt and joined Kerry in the hallway.

“Kerry, what- what are you doing here?” Her eyebrows scrunched together as she scanned over the older woman.

“I need to talk to you about these phone calls I’ve been getting since you took over the ER,” Kerry ignored the personal implications of the question and instead began walking again around the corner and back toward admit, Susan lagging behind for just a moment before realizing Kerry was silently ordering her to move.

“Do you want to go sit down to talk?” The concern in her voice was evident and Kerry’s left hand balled into a tight fist.

“No, I want to keep walking.” She snarled, and Susan backed off, allowing Kerry to take the lead. “I’ve been getting calls about up to 10 hour wait times, the number of bounce-backs is already astronomically higher than it was under my - or even _Romano’s_ watch,” Kerry began, catching Carter watching her through the window as they passed Exam 3. “I understand that, that starting in the new position, especially at this chaotic time administratively is difficult, but if you don’t... don't get a handle on things I-” Susan watched as Kerry’s focus began to shift inward and they slowed as they approached the admit desk, Kerry reaching out her left hand to the desk to steady herself, and while she did her best to keep her face stoic, Susan could see the pain in her eyes.

“Kerry?” She said carefully, looking over to Luka who was standing behind the admit desk watching the events unfold. Kerry didn’t respond, instead she focused on her breathing as another painful Braxton Hicks peaked, the pain in her back overshadowing the pain she felt in her hip by a long shot. Susan started to reach a hand out to Kerry’s right arm to steady her but Kerry shook it off frustratedly, finally getting her breath back.

“I’m fine,” even her voice was pained, Susan noted, and it was clear the contraction wasn’t over yet as Kerry continued to talk through it. “If, if things don’t start to get handled, we may have to look into a chief with more- more experience.” Kerry still had yet to bring her eyes back to meet Susan’s but she pulled her hand away from the admit desk, resting it instead on her hip as she leaned more of her weight onto her crutch, squeezing the handle.

“You’d - you’d demote me?” Susan asked incredulously, momentarily distracted from her concern. “It’s been a _week_ , Kerry, I hardly think that’s a fair amount of time to assess my skill.”

The contraction finally began to taper off, and Kerry pulled herself back up to her full height as she realized she had subtly begun to hunch her shoulders, curling slightly around her middle. She took a quick but deep breath, blowing it out in a rush before shaking her bangs from where they’d fallen into her eyes.

“If we continue to get complaints to this degree, you would really leave us no choice.” Kerry finally spoke, finding her full voice, backing it with a bite of irritation. 

“Kerry, was that a contraction?” Luka asked quietly, having moved closer to their end of the admit desk.

“It was a Braxton Hicks, I’ve been having them for months, I’m fine.” Kerry dismissed him quickly, not taking her eyes off of Susan, clearly indicating that she was not willing to change topics.

“That looked a lot worse than a Braxton Hicks, maybe we should get you on a monitor.” Susan said gently, taking a cautious step toward Kerry who in turn took a shaky step backward. 

“No, I said I’m fine, Susan.” Kerry held out her hand, stopping Susan from coming any closer. Suddenly, John approached them from behind, having watched the whole episode from where he was signing off on a chart down the hallway.

“Kerry, are you alright?” He asked, unknowingly fanning the rage that was already blazing within her.

“She had a contraction, I’m trying to get her to let us put her on a fetal monitor.” Susan said to John as he came to stand beside her. “She’s refusing.”

“You know what, Susan,” Kerry finally snapped, loudly, and each head in the vicinity turned in their direction, looking up from their various tasks. “Maybe if you paid this much attention to your patients, and did your _actual_ job for a change, I wouldn’t be getting so many complaints about you and I wouldn’t have to come down here in the first place.”

The viciousness with which the statement was spoken had its intended effect and Susan was left speechless, the entire ER having heard Kerry tear her down. There was no flash of remorse in the redhead’s eyes, no moment of regret. Instead, her eyes were a bright green, intense with anger and frustration and she turned sharply around her crutch, moving back toward the elevator and up to her office.

Her assistant tried to give her a few more messages as she crossed their desk upon returning, but Kerry ignored them, shutting the door behind her with a force that made it clear she was in no mood to be disturbed. She couldn’t handle it, she couldn’t handle the looks she was getting in the ER, the words of obligatory sympathy, everyone checking in on her. They never had worried about her before; in all her time working in the ER she could maybe count on one hand the times that her coworkers had reached out, had checked up on her. After the chemical spill? After she had walked in on that bloody exam room, finding Carter and Lucy bleeding out on the floor? Did anyone ask her about the nightmares that followed, or the memories of not being able to breath constricting her airway even months after the incident? Why now did everyone seem to care, or want to make it look like they cared? Was it because she was pregnant? Was the addition of the baby the only thing that made her worthy of concern? 

She couldn’t be here anymore. She had come in for distraction, for something to get her out of her empty apartment, but being alone was better than this. It was easier to ignore everything when there was no one checking in on her constantly, and she knew she’d get exactly that after the interaction she’d had with Abby the night before. She needed to go home.

Kerry packed her bag hastily, swinging it over her shoulder as she shut down her computer.

She needed to be alone.

  
  
  


Abby walked through the ambulance bay entrance of the ER, hot coffee in hand, though a hot coffee might have been a mistake on this particular muggy August day. She hadn’t been able to sleep much the night before, though, so coffee was a necessity. The ER looked moderately busy, but not too crazy, and she gave herself a few minutes to prepare for her shift, turning off and heading down the hallway toward the lounge. She still had about ten minutes before she had to be on and she sunk gratefully into the couch, appreciating the quiet while it lasted.

“Abby,” Susan opened the door, disturbing Abby’s fleeting moment of peace. “Did you not hear me calling to you?”

“Oh, no, sorry,” Abby rubbed her face and sat up, willing herself to wake up.

“You look exhausted,” Susan said, surprised, stepping into the lounge and letting the door shut behind her.

“Yeah, I am.” Abby sat forward with her elbows on her knees, realizing now that if she sat back she was sure to fall asleep. “I didn’t sleep much last night.”

Susan watched Abby with momentary concern before she remembered the reason she wanted to talk to Abby in the first place. “Hey, how was Kerry today when you saw her?”

Abby took a deep breath, that particular person was the exact reason why she hadn’t gotten any sleep, spending most of the night worked up from the argument and worried about how to handle it. “I didn’t.”

“You didn’t stop by today?” Susan clarified, crossing her arms and leaning against the closest locker (which happened to belong to the very person they were talking about).

“Nope,” Abby took a long sip of her coffee, trying to keep herself from getting agitated again.

“Why not?” Susan was half worried and half curious, though after seeing the way Kerry was acting today she could guess what had happened.

“She needs more time,” was all Abby wanted to say, reluctant to get into it at the beginning of her shift. She’d go into more detail when she was getting off. “She pretty much kicked me out last night.”

Susan’s eyes widened at the image of Abby being kicked out; she knew how much the nurse had been doing for Kerry and was offended on Abby’s behalf for the way she was treated, but, just like Abby, she knew Kerry was going through something more complicated than the two of them had ever dealt with. “Was she having any contractions last night?”

Abby looked up quickly at Susan, noting for the first time the concern etched in her face. “I don’t think so. I mean, she’s been having Braxton Hicks but those have been happening for a while now. Why?”

“I think she had one when she was down here today, and it looked like a big one. She wouldn’t let us put her on a monitor and she was gone the second it was over. I was hoping you’d stopped by on your way here…” Susan chewed on her lip, unsure of what the next course of action was.

“She would have said something…” Abby tried to convince them both, but Susan looked at her skeptically.

“Would she have? I don’t know… maybe I’m being crazy but…” Her words faded out. “I’m about to get off. Do you think I should go check on her?”

Abby’s eyes widened again and she couldn’t help the nervous smile that tugged at the corner of her lips. “It depends how much bodily harm you’re willing to risk. You’ve seen what she can do with that crutch.”

“She’s already pissed at me, what do I have to lose.” Susan turned to her own locker, pulling out her purse. She’d stop at the admit desk and give her last patient to Luka before heading out, not wanting to waste any more time.

“She’s pissed at you, too?” Abby rose off the couch and walked with Susan out into the hallway toward admit. “What did you do?” They stopped at the desk and Abby rummaged through her purse and pulled out Kerry’s key, handing it to Susan before stowing her purse on the shelf under the desk.

Susan took the key and slipped it into her pocket, shaking her head before spotting Luka across the room and making her way toward him. “It’s a long story, let’s just say I might be looking for a new job.”

  
  
  


37 minutes. It had been 37 minutes since her last contraction. This wasn’t labor, she assured herself, though it was becoming increasingly more difficult to breathe through the contractions when they came. Kerry was resting on the couch, trying to get them to subside. Relaxation, deep breathing, a change of position, a glass of water, these were the things she would tell her patients to try if they were trying to calm their Braxton Hicks. But Braxton Hicks contractions didn’t get stronger and Kerry had to swallow a groan as her current one peaked. She reached out her hand to grab a bunch of the blanket, squeezing it tightly as she tried to focus on her breathing. Relaxing on the couch was obviously not working, so her next step was drinking a glass of water to get some fluids in her, and then, if that did not work, she’d take a bath, hoping some warm water would set her body at ease.

Kerry checked her watch when the contraction finally ended. This one was a little over a minute, about ten seconds longer than her last. She knew why this was happening; she had been so stressed out at work, the flood of emotions from the sympathy and the constant questions stressing her out enough that her body was having a physical response. She needed to relax, though relaxed was not a setting her body adjusted to easily.

Carefully, Kerry pushed herself up onto her feet and threaded her arm through her crutch, taking gentle, careful steps toward the kitchen. Her pelvis felt like it was inflamed, each step bringing an uncomfortable new pressure, her pelvic bones obviously still shifting. This bath would do her all sorts of good, though she suddenly remembered she hadn’t been able to get in and out of the bath without help for a few months now and she no longer had the supportive, steady hand of her wife to help her. Kerry shook the thought out of her head, she’d figure it out. She couldn’t let herself go down that thought process, not right now, not while she was trying to calm herself.

She finally reached the kitchen and poured herself a glass of water, taking greedy sips from the glass and realizing for the first time the beads of sweat that had started running down her temples. She moved to the thermostat on the wall and turned it down a few degrees, wiping the sweat off of her face with the back of her hand. 

Kerry set the glass down and moved toward her bedroom and into the ensuite, turning on the water and putting in the stopper, letting the clawfoot tub begin to fill. She could use her crutch and a hand on the support bar for leverage, she decided. Getting out might be a different story but she would cross that bridge when she came to it, she was desperate to get into the bath and logic seemed to be playing second fiddle at the moment. She moved back toward her bedroom to collect her bathrobe when another contraction viciously gripped her and she couldn’t help the gasp that escaped her lips as she doubled over, thankful for the crutch gripped steadily in her right hand. She wanted desperately to move to her bed but she couldn’t, she was frozen as her uterus contracted stiffly, her stomach becoming a tight ball under her shirt. Kerry heard a whimper in the room and thought it was Stinky until she opened her eyes to see he was nowhere to be found, realizing that the whimper had come out of her own mouth.

As soon as sense came back to her, Kerry checked her watch. Though she didn’t know exactly when this one had started, she estimated that there had been about 20 minutes between contractions that time.

She couldn’t deny it anymore. This could be labor.

Kerry’s eyes flashed to the phone on Sandy’s bedside table. Her first instinct was to call Abby, but how could she call Abby after the way she had treated her the night before? She had been so vicious, so angry. She couldn’t ask anything of her now. And Susan? After the way Kerry had spoken to her today in front of what was now her staff, she wouldn’t blame Susan if they went back to not speaking to each other, every trace of their working relationship they had fought so hard for over the years eradicated in one moment.

It hit her then, how entirely, utterly alone she was in the world, in a world entirely of her own making. She had pushed away every person who had offered her comfort and support and now here she was, not even yet 32 weeks pregnant, in preterm labor, with no one to call. She could almost hear Sandy’s voice, begging her to call the girls anyway, telling her that they would want her to call, but Kerry couldn’t do it. She didn’t deserve it. She’d bring herself to the hospital, she’d go up to OB, and she’d be fine. Even 20 minutes between contractions was enough time to get there before she had another one and Kerry moved shakily back in the direction of her bathroom. She leaned heavily against the side of her tub and leaned forward, turning off the water and pulling out the plug, but suddenly felt an intense pressure deep inside herself and the cuff of her crutch dropped from around her arm as she hastily brought her right hand to join her left in gripping the side of the tub, leaning over it and breathing into the new, strange sensation. This was really happening.

  
  
  


Susan fumbled with the key at the front door to the building, though she knew at that point that Abby had given her the key to Kerry’s door, not the key to the main door. Susan had buzzed Kerry’s apartment a few times to no response, and she backed up onto the sidewalk and looked up the side of the building, counting three floors before finding the window she knew led into Kerry’s living room, the curtains were pulled and the light was on. Kerry was home, why wasn’t she answering the buzz? Susan buzzed again. Nothing.

  
  
  


Kerry could hear the buzzer going off in the living room, accompanied by the sound of Stinky barking, but she was almost scared to move, feeling like any wrong move would send her daughter closer to being born 8 weeks too early. 32 weekers weren’t the worst off preemies, but anything under 34 weeks was still worrying. Kerry gripped the side of the tub harder as she heard the buzzer go off again.

  
  
  


“Hey! Hey, I forgot my key,” Susan tried to keep the desperation out of her voice, doing her best to look nonchalant as the mailman unlocked the front door and opened it. He gave the strange woman a sideways glance, as he’d seen her buzzing one of the apartments as he pulled up to the building, but let her in nonetheless, and she thanked him over her shoulder as she jogged toward the stairwell, forgoing the elevator when she saw the doors open and an elderly couple taking their sweet time getting off. 

  
  
  


Time felt immeasurable at this point to Kerry as she stood in the position against the bathtub, but the water was long drained and the buzzer had stopped sounding in the living room, whoever it was having given up finally. She knew if she was going to bring herself to the hospital she would need to pick her crutch up and be ready to leave after the next contraction passed. Just as she was willing herself to attempt to grab it off the floor, she could feel the pain coming on again, the pressure in her lower back unlike anything she’d felt before and she couldn’t help the moan that she let out as the contraction peaked, making sounds actually helping the sensation, much to Kerry’s embarrassment. The only bright spot in this whole situation was that no one was there to see her like this.

  
  
  


By the time Susan got to Kerry’s door and unlocked it, and Stinky’s barking quieted upon realizing who their visitor was, Susan could hear Kerry’s moaning from the bedroom. “Kerry?” She called out, moving quickly through the apartment with Stinky on her heels, following the sound of Kerry’s cries until she found her, leaning over the side of the tub, moaning as a contraction ripped through her body. Susan came up to her side, placing a cautious hand on her back to alert her to her physical presence and moved around to see her face, which was red and dripping with sweat. 

Kerry looked up, the relief in her eyes apparent at seeing Susan, feeling her hand on her back, grounding her in the moment. She gathered the last ounce of controlled breath she had. “It’s too early.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another cliffhanger, but I'm just keeping it exciting (and this was creeping up on 8k words).
> 
> Hang in there, folks... and thanks for reading & giving me your feedback week after week. I'm really excited for what's to come and what we have left! I am almost reading to fill in the ? in the chapter count. Crazy!
> 
> & this is my first time, _ever_ passing 100k words! Thanks for reading all of them!


	24. Breathe

Kerry heard Stinky’s barking intensify, followed by a key shuffling in the front door. The strength of the contraction continued to climb as Kerry moaned, trying to shift her focus from the ring of pain around her abdomen to the sound of footsteps coming closer. Finally, she felt a hand on her back, followed by a familiar warmness, and she turned her head, relieved to see Susan at her side. She didn’t know why or how she was there, nor did she care, as her stomach continued to squeeze into a tight ball under her shirt. 

“It’s too early.” She continued to moan, regardless of the new presence in the room. Right now, in the middle of the contraction, she didn’t have the mental capacity to worry about what anyone thought; she had discovered making noise relieved part of the pain and with that information she continued on.

Susan watched as Kerry’s body worked through the current contraction, reaching out and grabbing her arm as Kerry’s knees slightly buckled and her breath caught in her throat.

“How many weeks are you?” Susan asked to clarify. She knew Kerry had been around thirty weeks at the end of July, but everything had been such a whirlwind since then she barely had a steady concept of time anymore.

Kerry’s breathing resumed to something closer to normal as the contraction faded away and, with the support of Susan’s arm, stood up straighter. “Thirty-two weeks tomorrow.”

“Okay,” Susan said with slight relief. “Thirty-two weeks isn’t too early, right? It’s early but it’s not too early, she’ll be okay.” Susan tried to ease Kerry’s anxiety as she continued to support her with one arm, leaning down to grab her crutch with the other. She couldn’t help but hover as Kerry clasped the cuff securely around her arm, prepared to help steady her if she required assistance. “Has your water broken?”

Kerry didn’t have the energy to do anything more than shake her head as she made her way into the bedroom, then slowly lowered herself down to sit on the bed. Sitting wasn’t much better, however, and she groaned as she adjusted to the new position.

“Good, good,” Susan said, moving to the phone and quickly dialing the number for the ER. “I’m gonna let them know we’re coming in so they’ll be ready for us.”

Every deep-seated instinct in Kerry’s body was begging her to tell Susan not to call, to take her somewhere else, but she knew County was where she should be. They were close, her OB was there, and if this baby decided she was done waiting, they had a neonatal unit equipped for such premature babies.

“Hey, Jerry, is Dr. Kovač nearby? Or Dr. Carter?” Susan tried to keep her voice even as she noticed Kerry seemingly begin to relax, perhaps the comfort of no longer being alone giving her a momentary solace. “No, I don’t want to talk to Dr. Romano, I- Jerry tell him I will call him back later. No, no Jerry, listen t-“ Kerry looked up as Susan took a disgruntled breath. “Dr. Romano, I don’t have time for this right now. No. I can’t have this conversation right- Yes, yes - I will call you later.  _ CARTER _ . Yes. Thank you.” Susan put her hand over the receiver and turned to Kerry. “Do you have your hospital bag packed?”

Kerry shook her head again. Truthfully, she didn’t have much of anything ready. She had some newborn clothes and a crib in a box. Susan just nodded in acknowledgment before Carter appeared on the other end of the line. Kerry tuned in and out as Susan filled Carter in, leaning back onto her forearms to try to find a more comfortable position for her back. The breaks in between contractions were truly  _ breaks _ , luckily, and she tried to make the most of the time to find her breath again, rubbing absently at her protruding stomach, feeling as the baby within it pushed against the restriction of her cramped quarters.

“No, it hasn’t,” Susan turned back in Kerry’s direction, watching the older doctor closely. “I haven’t. I will. Anything more than four and I’ll call you again before we leave.”

Kerry knew what was coming and internally groaned. She did not want Susan checking her dilation in her own house. Kerry had done it for plenty of people, even some people she knew personally, but it was different at the hospital. It was clinical. It wasn’t as embarrassing. At least she thought so, Kerry had never been on this side of it before.

“Kerry,” Susan started as she put the phone down. “I want to check your dilation before we go anywhere. Do you have a box of gloves?”

Kerry squeezed her eyes shut and nodded. “Under the sink.” She heaved herself further onto the bed and swung her legs up, moving to lean back against the pillows. Susan was back quickly to help Kerry remove her pants, and Kerry tried her best to relax as Susan checked her cervix. Her eyes searched Susan’s as she examined her, too impatient to wait for an answer. “What? Am I dilated?"

Susan nodded, changing her position slightly to double check her accuracy. “About two centimeters.”

Kerry leaned her head back into the pillow, trying to keep herself from completely losing it. She did not want to have this baby early. Weeks in the NICU in an incubator. Maybe four pounds now, if even that. Feeding tubes. IVs. Respirators. Apnea. Jaundice. Sepsis. The list went on and on in Kerry’s head until Susan noticed her spiralling. 

“Kerry,” Susan said after disposing of her glove, resuming her seat at Kerry’s side. “It’s going to be okay. Let’s get going and we can get this all figured out, okay?”

“I don’t want to do this, Susan.” Kerry argued as Susan helped pull her maternity pants back up around her waist. “We need to stop these contractions, I’m  _ not _ doing this today.”

Susan would have chuckled if not for the true gravity of the situation, but Kerry’s insistence that she was not willing to have her baby yet was the exact brand of determination that Susan expected from the redhead. Kerry shifted her body until she was sitting again at the edge of the bed, and as she collected her crutch from where it was leaning against Sandy’s bedside table, she tried to summon the energy to bring herself to her feet.

Kerry’s eyes were focused on the pattern of the carpet in front of her, willing her body to find the strength to rise off the bed. Just when she was fairly sure the strength would never come, Susan held out her hands toward her, and time seemed to stand still for Kerry as her focus shifted toward them. She wanted to push them away and stand up on her own, without any help. No weakness.

Control.

But she needed those hands, she needed that support. If not for those hands, she would still be leaning against her bathtub, stuck in the bathroom until perhaps she delivered her baby alone. Without those hands, and the friendships they represented, Kerry would not have made it to Sandy’s funeral. She would not have made it to the burial. She would have been left a broken heap of a person at the wake.

She would have been alone during her miscarriage. During both of them. Without those women, offering their hands, who knows how long it would have been before she’d discovered her pregnancy in the first place, after refusing to recognize the signs as anything other than fatigue until those hands helped her off the floor of the drug lockup.

Kerry grabbed both hands steadily in her own and looked up at Susan, who she had been so mean to only a few hours before. She had been so irrationally cruel. Why was this person, who she had gone out of her way to humiliate, standing in front of her in her apartment? Helping her. Supporting her. Time after time, these women showed up for her, and Kerry wasn’t sure what she had done to deserve them.

A flood of emotions passed quickly through the exhausted redhead but she shook herself out of her thoughts, moving her focus instead onto the task ahead of her. She squeezed Susan’s hands and they worked together to get her on her feet. The second she was vertical, however, it felt like the baby surged downward, and the overwhelming sensation was too much for Kerry and she immediately dropped back onto the bed. Susan didn’t wait for an explanation but kneeled in front of Kerry, putting both hands on her knees.

“Kerry, we need to go. The sooner we get you to the ER, the sooner we can start you on terbutaline and get you on a fetal monitor, okay? I want to make sure she’s doing alright.” Susan waited until Kerry’s eyes found hers before she nodded, prompting Kerry to agree with her. “Can you feel her moving?” Almost in response to Susan the baby jabbed roughly outward and Kerry nodded again, grimacing at the uncomfortable feeling, though she knew what the baby was currently experiencing was uncomfortable in its own right and she didn’t blame her for fighting against her confines. 

“Don’t suppose you still have that wheelchair, do you?” Susan hadn’t seen it anywhere yet and she knew how much Kerry had hated using it, so she wasn’t surprised when Kerry shook her head. She had returned it to the ER as soon as she could and was certainly regretting that decision now. Susan helped her slowly return to her feet, holding a hand to Kerry’s back as she secured her grip on her crutch, and walked closely at her side as they carefully made their way out the bedroom and toward the front door. Susan made sure Kerry was steady on her own before moving to the living room to grab Kerry’s purse from where she could see it on the couch (another clear indication that Kerry hadn’t been feeling well: her purse had not ended up in its normal designated spot) and she helped Kerry balance as she slipped on her clogs. As Susan opened the door, Stinky moved to his bed and plopped down, clearly bummed that two of his people were about to leave him again.

Susan moved into the hallway and was sure Kerry was behind her until she’d made it halfway to the elevator and could no longer hear the recognizable click of Kerry’s crutch behind her. She turned around to see Kerry leaning her forehead against the doorway, her hand clutching the wall and her eyes squeezed shut as she breathed through another pain. Kerry was starting to have a hard time breathing easily through them, at once unable to believe they were already so strong, could possibly still be getting worse, and if her labor continued to progress, that the worst was yet to come. Her breath caught in her throat as she tried to stay on her feet and Susan was by her side again in a moment, her arm wrapping around Kerry’s waist steadily.

“Breathe,” she instructed delicately, trying to remind the other woman. The mere reminder seemed to reignite her brain and she gasped a breath but held it again as she tried to keep from crying out. The vocalizing felt good before but now she was far too embarrassed about letting go again in front of Susan, and holding her breath was the only way to keep from screaming. Susan reminded her of her breath again as she checked her watch. It had only been about fifteen minutes since the last one ended and Susan was desperate to get them to County. Finally, the contraction began to die down, and Kerry started moving again in the direction of the elevator, Susan stopping to lock Kerry’s door before meeting the redhead just as the elevator doors opened and she stepped inside.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” Kerry asked suddenly as she leaned heavily against the wall of the elevator.

“What, you expected me to leave you alone? Who do you think I am?” Susan smirked, stepping aside and letting Kerry exit into the lobby first, walking at the pace Kerry set as they made their way toward the front doors of her apartment building. “I’ll save the ‘I was right’ comments until later.”

“It’s amazing what you can convince yourself when you’re in denial.” Kerry shook her head as they continued, the conversation almost distracting her from the fact that it felt like the baby could come out at any second. “I was awful to you today. Why are you here?”

Susan couldn’t help but roll her eyes. Even in monstrous amounts of pain Kerry was as stubborn as ever.

“Because like it or not, Kerry, you’re my friend now and I don’t give up on friends that easy.” They finally made it to the sidewalk and Susan jogged to the end of the street where it intersected with a busier road, whistling and holding her hand out for a taxi. Getting dropped in the ambulance bay was a hell of a lot simpler than having to deal with a car and she didn’t even bring up the idea of an ambulance, knowing that was sure to be turned down immediately. A few taxis drove right past her before one finally pulled over, giving Kerry just enough time to catch up. Susan pulled the door open and helped Kerry sit and then swing her legs in, handing her her crutch before moving around to the other side of the cab.

“County General, quickly.” Susan said intensely and watched as the cabbie’s eyes flicked between the new passengers.

“Uh - is she having a baby?” He asked nervously before shifting gears and pulling back onto the road.

“No,” Susan assured him, then turned to the panicked redhead at her side, her eyes softening but the assurance as sharp as before. “No.”

Kerry bit her lips, rubbing at her hip as it throbbed. It had already been a long day and Kerry was sure it was far from over. 

The ride was short but the silence was slowly eating Kerry alive, so she spoke up again as the driver took a shortcut they both knew well.

“I’m not going to demote you,” Kerry muttered. “I- I don’t know what came over me earlier. It… in a world of problems I can’t fix right now, it just felt like a fixable problem.”

Susan couldn’t help the grin that came over her face. “Are you sure? Because Romano seemed pretty open to taking his job back.” Kerry’s eyes flashed up so quickly, full of such horror, that Susan almost felt bad. “Kidding.”

Relief flushed over Kerry as she let out a nervous chuckle, leaning her head back against the headrest. She groaned then, both hands finding her stomach. Susan’s eyes flashed to her watch.

“Another one already?”

“No,” Kerry winced. “She’s kicking. God. It’s like she aims for my ribs.”

“As long as she’s moving,” Susan said somewhat absently, distracted as she watched the traffic move around them, counting down the minutes until they’d pull up at the hospital. 

“Have you spoken to Abby?” Kerry asked suddenly and Susan turned in her direction, noting that Kerry’s eyes had more of a sad glow to them than they had a few moments before.

“Briefly…” Susan didn’t want to say too much and certainly didn’t want to get in the middle of anything. “She’s working tonight.” Just in the nick of time, saving Susan from the direction the conversation was taking, they turned the corner and the bay came into view.  “You can pull in there,” Susan leaned forward and pointed.

“I’m pretty sure that’s just for ambulances, but I can pu-” the driver began before Susan cut him off.

“This lady right here? She’s the Chief of Staff at this hospital. I think she’d make an exception this once.” Susan said with conviction, making hard eye contact with him in the rearview mirror before he surrendered and pulled into the ambulance bay. Susan spotted Luka waiting for them with a wheelchair by the automatic doors, beginning to move toward them as the cab stopped. Susan threw money in the direction of the driver quickly before getting out and rushing around the cab. She opened the door and reached in for Kerry but found her hand swatted away. Leaning down she saw Kerry, whose eyes were squeezed tightly with both hands on her stomach, obviously working through another contraction. Susan checked her watch. Twelve minutes. 

“How is she?” Luka asked as he pulled the wheelchair beside Susan.

“She’s hanging in there. Contractions are twelve minutes apart.” Susan said before leaning back down into the car, reminding Kerry again to breathe. The cabbie’s wide eyes stared frightenedly through the rearview mirror but Susan paid him no mind, reassuring Kerry that everything was going to be alright.

Kerry managed to choke back a few whimpers as her back felt like it was being repeatedly stabbed by knives, the pressure in her lower back and pelvis making her wonder if she’d be able to get out of the cab at all or if she perhaps lived there now and would take up permanent residence in this backseat. As the contraction peaked, she doubled over and was sure the cabbie was truly panicked by now, surely worried about his upholstery as she felt like her body was being ripped apart. She couldn’t help the moan that left her mouth then, this contraction surpassing the pain of all the others that night. She felt Susan at her side, but the sensation of the blonde’s hand on her arm was too much and Kerry couldn’t stop herself from swatting at her again, making the touch go away. She tried to breathe, but every breath brought a clearer sensation of pain and Kerry wasn’t sure how much else she’d be able to handle. Kerry had an astonishingly high pain tolerance but in this moment was suddenly unsure how she could survive the contractions getting any worse. Finally, the pain began to calm and ebb away and Kerry was left sweaty and tired, slumped in the back seat of the cab. This was not where she anticipated riding out her contractions. She wished desperately that things had panned out the way they were supposed to. Sandy was supposed to be at her side. Sandy was supposed to be her coach. She wasn’t supposed to do any of this alone, and she certainly was not supposed to be working through her contractions in the back of a cab as her staff watched her from the sidelines. 

After giving Kerry a moment to rest, Susan reached out a timid hand. “Come on, Kerry, let’s get you inside.”

Kerry scooted, every movement bringing a new, specific, and intense pain to her pelvis, until she could swing her legs out of the car. With Susan’s hands on each elbow, she lifted her out of the cab and Kerry only walked a few steps before they eased her into in the chair, but the few steps seemed to further the progress she was trying so desperately to stop and Kerry did her best to visualize closing herself off, keeping everything locked tight, her first official reprimand to her daughter telling her to stay put for at least a couple more weeks. 

Susan grabbed her crutch out of the cab and Kerry heard Luka say something - perhaps some sort of greeting - but she was so distracted by the discomfort that filled her bottom half that she could barely hear him. Instead she tried to keep from squirming in the chair as he wheeled her across the ambulance bay and through the doors.

Immediately, Kerry could feel every eye on her as the security doors opened and they moved down the hallway. If Kerry’s face hadn’t already been beet red from the pain it would surely have been inflamed now, horrified to be seen by her staff in such a position. Leaning her elbow on the arm of the chair, Kerry buried her face in her hand as she tried to collapse as inward on herself as she could. She was so humiliated, being wheeled through her own ER, the ER she had insisted she was fine in just hours earlier, but she at least had enough of her senses to know there was no way she would have been able to walk across it herself, unless she planned on delivering her baby right there in the middle of admit. 

She somehow survived the parade through the ER and Luka brought her back into exam four, which had obviously been set up in anticipation of her arrival, knowing they in all likelihood would not have time to bring her right up to OB. Luka locked the wheels on the chair and left the room quietly, leaving Susan to help Kerry out of her clothes and into a hospital gown. They worked silently, but in tandem, and soon Kerry was changed and Susan helped her out of the chair, Kerry very, very slowly rising to her feet. Susan checked in to assure she was ready before helping her onto the lowered exam bed. The new position was almost excruciating on her back but she bit the inside of her cheek and shifted until she found a tolerable position, barely clocking the stirrups as they were pulled out of the bed frame at the foot of the bed.

The exam seemed to go by in a flash for Kerry, who was collapsed against the reclined bed, already utterly exhausted. As Susan finished, Luka knocked on the door, reentering upon the all clear with Malik on his heels, followed quickly by Elizabeth who knocked once before pushing the door open.

“I saw you come in from the trauma room. Kerry, are you alright?” Elizabeth stayed just inside the doorway, waiting to be filled in.

“She’s still at two centimeters dilated, 50% effaced, at thirty-two weeks,” Susan told them in a hushed voice, not wanting to disturb the quiet that had drifted over the calmed room as Kerry still laid back with her eyes closed, Malik strapping the transducers around her stomach. 

“Okay. We called up to OB but Coburn is out of town, so they’re sending down Maynard and she wants us to start with a round of terbutaline.” Luka told both Kerry and Susan.

“I thought you were off by now?” Susan asked him, peeling off her gloves.

“I was, but I wasn’t about to go home after getting this call.” Luka answered; he felt an odd protectiveness for the red headed doctor and knew he would not be able to relax at home until he knew how everything played out. 

As Malik began to run an IV into the back of Kerry's hand, she lifted her head and looked around.

“Where’s Abby?” Her voice was small, a far cry from the Chief of Staff they’d all seen earlier. 

“She went across the street to get a coffee right before you guys called,” Malik answered, setting up the IV fluids and letting them run. “She’ll probably be back in a few.” 

Kerry’s eyes flashed to Susan’s, the panic and distress in them clear as day to the blonde doctor. 

“Do you want me to go get her?” Susan offered, partially desperate to bring in her backup. She knew she could only get so far with Kerry, Abby was the one who somehow had the magical Weaver-handling touch. 

“I can stay with her,” Elizabeth offered, stepping closer to Susan. Susan looked to Kerry, who nodded almost miserably, surprised by her own desperate need to have Abby in the room.

“Okay,” Susan agreed, moving toward the door and switching places with Elizabeth. “I’ll be right back.” She bounded into the hallway and in the direction of the Jumbo Mart. 

Malik disinfected an area of skin on Kerry’s upper arm and inserted a needle, injecting the medicine with skill. “Terbutaline is on board.” 

“Okay, let’s repeat in an hour.” Luka instructed and Malik nodded, cleaning up the trash off the medical tray and moving out of the room. “I’ll go see what’s taking Maynard so long, we paged her twenty minutes ago.” Luka gruffed, leaving as quickly as Susan had, knowing Kerry was in good hands with Elizabeth. Kerry hadn’t registered his words, however, as another contraction took over her body, not even ten minutes since her last.

Elizabeth sprung into action, moving to Kerry’s side as she noticed the redhead’s breath stop.

“Kerry,” Elizabeth began, trying to grab the older doctor’s attention as every molecule of focus Kerry had was dragged to her uterus. “Kerry, you need to breathe. Breathe, Kerry, that’s it.” Elizabeth instructed, her voice soft and smooth, a very delicate hand placed on Kerry’s arm. Kerry’s eyes opened and found Elizabeth’s, her breath beginning to mimic the English woman’s, even without conscious thought. “Good… have you taken lamaze?” Kerry shook her head no. “I didn’t think so. Okay, I’ll help you through it. I want you to keep breathing.”

Kerry could feel her voice in her throat, being silenced before it was able to cry out. She wished she hadn’t tried it at home, hadn’t realized how much it helped to make noise. She wasn’t about to sit in her own ER and scream, no matter how much she wanted to. Instead, her breath continued to be caught in her throat as she stopped herself from vocalizing and Elizabeth repeatedly reminded her to breathe.

Elizabeth wanted to offer her hand, but was completely unsure how it would be received by the redhead. They’d gotten closer lately, by the unfortunate commonality they now shared, but they weren’t nearly as close as Kerry was with Abby, or even Susan. Elizabeth knew there were reservations still, on both sides, about allowing themselves to get too comfortable with the other. But, Elizabeth also knew the pain Kerry was in, the fear, and how it felt to be the very specific type of alone Kerry was now.

Instead of her using her hand, Elizabeth used her voice to ground Kerry in the room, speaking to her to keep her from getting lost in the sea of pain as the waves crashed over her. Elizabeth could see on the monitor as the contraction peaked, barely hearing the squeak that came out of Kerry’s throat at the agony. But, the peak meant the end was in sight, and Elizabeth continued coaching Kerry with a breathing pattern, Kerry’s eyes finding hers again as she came back down, all the tension in her body melting away as the contraction ended and she sunk into the pillow behind her, her eyes brimming with frustrated, angry, and pained tears.

“I know this is scary,” Elizabeth started, recalling her own episode of preterm labor, though hers was much earlier in her pregnancy than Kerry’s. “I know how out of control it feels. But you are in the best place for you and your baby. Give the meds time to work.” She hazarded a light touch on Kerry’s hand. “I know it’s a foolish thing to say, but try not to let yourself panic. At 32 weeks - save a little extra time in the NICU, surrounded by some of the  _ smartest _ neonatologists in the country - she would be just fine. And, if she  _ is _ born today, then it would just confirm what we could have all already guessed,” at her pause, Kerry looked over from where her eyes had locked on the ceiling as she willed her tears to stay put. “That she got her stubbornness from her mother.” Elizabeth smiled softly, ensuring the redhead knew that her statement was light hearted. Kerry needed no assurance and laughed, the first tears gliding down her cheeks and she brushed them away with the palm of her hand.

“Which one?” Though her smile was sad, the acknowledgement that Sandy had existed, that she was also Emma’s mother, warmed Kerry through her whole body, and for just a moment, she almost could feel her at her side.

Elizabeth chuckled, her own eyes welling with tears. “Take your pick.”

They allowed quiet to take over the room, Kerry recovering her breath and listening to the steady rhythm of her daughter’s heart as it played softly from the monitor. The proof that the baby was weathering the storm well was a weight off of Kerry’s chest and she allowed herself to close her eyes, resting while she could. It was only a minute or two before the door was pushed open so quickly that it startled her out of her half-sleep, and both she and Elizabeth looked to the door as Abby rushed through it, moving immediately to the fetal monitor. 

Abby took a few seconds to read the graph recording the rhythm of the contractions and heart tone before clarifying with Susan over her shoulder. “You said 2cm dilated? And have you already started the terbutaline?” 

Kerry couldn’t help but see herself in Abby, on the day she had walked in on Sandy in the suture room, all business to quash the all encompassing anxiety, and while she deeply regretted the night before and was unsure how Abby was feeling about it all, she suddenly felt thoroughly protected and calmed by her presence. 

Susan filled her in and Elizabeth rose from where she had been seated on the side of the bed, stepping back slightly and attempting to fill the tiny cracks in her composure their talk had led to before she heard Romano bellowing her nickname from the hallway.

“I will check in on you in a bit, Kerry,” Elizabeth said as she moved to the door, but stopped before she opened it. “Remember: Breathe. It will hardly be helpful to the cause if you pass out from a lack of oxygen.”

Kerry smiled lightly, leaning her head back against the pillow again. “Thank you, Elizabeth.”

Elizabeth returned her smile quickly before slipping out the door, being sure to not open it wide enough for Romano to peer inside.

“Still no sign of Maynard?” Susan asked, to which Kerry shook her head.

“Luka went to see what was going on.” With both hands on the bed, Kerry pushed herself up a bit from where she had slouched during the last contraction. Every part of her body ached, and she knew she didn’t have much time left until the next one unless the medication started working soon.

Susan looked briefly between the two women, knowing they each had particular feelings about the previous night, and decided to take the opportunity to leave the two of them alone. “I’ll go see if he needs help hauling her ass down here.” And Susan slipped out again.

Abby looked at the monitor again, scanned through the printed graph paper, and checked Kerry’s IV before running out of things to do. She stood back a bit, crossing her arms and biting at her bottom lip. Neither was sure who would talk first, but Kerry wasn't surprised when it was Abby.

“How are you doing?” She asked cautiously, anticipating Kerry’s trademark answer and almost caught off guard when she didn’t get it. Instead, Kerry’s eyes flicked up from where she had been distracting herself tracing the pattern of the blanket, and she shook her head, unable to vocalize just exactly how horribly she was doing.  “I should have come by today.” Abby admitted, internally kicking herself for letting a little blow out from a distraught, heavily pregnant, and hormonal woman keep her from doing what she knew was right.

“I wouldn’t have,” Kerry released a breath, remembering just how much of a mess she had been the night before. “I don’t b- mmhh…” She was cut off again with another contraction, and Abby checked the time since the last one on the monitor before coming to her side. She grabbed Kerry’s hand from where it was clutching the blanket on the bed and encouraged Kerry to squeeze as much as she needed to. The connection helped, Kerry realized, and she reciprocated the pressure. Abby kept to herself that she was down to seven minutes between contractions and continued to remind Kerry to breathe, Kerry eventually whimpering, her vision almost blurring from the pain as it reached its climax. Abby stayed by her side, squeezing her hand, silently encouraging her as she rode the contraction out, until finally it faded away and Kerry laid back heavily onto the bed, panting from exertion. Abby wasn’t the praying type, but in that moment she couldn’t help but think a small prayer for her friend, hoping they’d be able to stop the contractions, but praying that Kerry could make it through if they didn’t.

  
  
  


Three hours passed, the contractions still coming consistently at three to five minutes apart, and everyone in the room could tell Kerry was starting to fall victim to the exhaustion of it all. She dozed between contractions and had to be heavily encouraged to breathe when they came; two times now the baby’s heart rate had drifted down slightly and they’d had to put Kerry on oxygen, but for the last hour her heart tones had remained steady at 150 with no decels. Carter and Luka had come to check on her but were quickly banished as Kerry felt another contraction begin to build, Carter taking his dismissal slightly more personally than Luka. 

Maynard reentered the room, followed quickly by Susan, just as the contraction ended. Maynard looked through the graph printed from the monitor before resuming her seat at the end of Kerry’s bed, tapping her legs in silent instruction to move them onto the stirrups again. 

“You’re at three centimeters, Kerry,” Maynard finished her examination, gently placing her hands on Kerry's shins as she tried to gain the dozing doctor’s attention.

“I know I don’t  _ want _ to be dilated,” Kerry began, licking at her dry lips. “But how in the hell have I only dilated one centimeter?” She wiped the sweat off of her brow as she scooched further up on the bed.

“Well, in these circumstances I guess we can call it luck.” Maynard pushed herself back slightly in her rolling stool, crossing her arms as she watched Kerry try to find a comfortable position on the bed. “I talked to Dr. Coburn, and she agrees, we’ll do a third round of the terbutaline and see how it goes.”

Kerry shook her head before Maynard had even finished speaking. “No, no I don’t want another round. I want magnesium.”

“I think we should try one more round, give it a chance to work.”

“We gave it a chance,” Kerry looked intensely at Maynard. “It’s obviously not going to work.”

“Kerry,” Susan began, stepping closer to the bed. “I think she’s right, why don’t you let us try one more round before we jump to magnesium.” While there was no doubt that every person in the room knew how horrific the side effects of magnesium sulfate could be for the mother, Kerry was steadfast in her position.

“How about instead of giving my cervix the chance to dilate further, we do something that will actually stop these damn contractions.” Kerry gruffed, turning her attention to Susan and then back to Maynard. She was tired of waiting - she was tired, in general. She would rather weather the side effects of something that worked than continue to labor until she was too far gone to stop it.

Maynard stopped and looked at Kerry, taking a deep breath and rising from her stool. “I’ll call Coburn and see what she wants to do.” She left the room fairly quickly, leaving Kerry with a quiet Abby and Susan.

“Well, Abby, aren’t you going to try to change my mind?” Kerry gruffed, leaning her head back against her pillow, digging her knuckles deep into her left hip. The angle she needed to extend her hip for the examinations was never comfortable and she’d done it so many times that night that it was beginning to throb.

“No,” Abby answered honestly from her position leaning against the wall. “Even though it’s going to be unpleasant in a whole different way, I think you’re right. I think it’s our last chance.”

Kerry’s brief eye contact ended with a satisfied nod of her head and she resumed her gaze staring at the ceiling above her.  _ Maynard would be back soon and they’ll run the magnesium and it will work _ , Kerry told herself. The side effects be what they may, but this baby would stay put. 

  
  
  


Her skin was hot to the touch and Abby wiped Kerry’s forehead with a cool towel, dipping it in the bowl of water and wringing it out before repeating the motion. Kerry was less than coherent, her skin felt like it was on fire and her view of the room was blurred in her eyes. Abby kept talking to her, whispering assurances and updates as the contractions became further apart. A surprise to no one, Kerry had been correct. The magnesium was working. The time between contractions was steadily increasing as the strength of them steadily decreased. It hadn’t been long since they’d started the magnesium but the side effects hit quickly, and as the night wore on and she progressively got sicker, Kerry’s resolve was beginning to slip. Abby was highly attentive of the older woman and was skilled at grabbing the emesis basin just in time as Kerry retched the contents of her empty stomach into it. 

Abby wiped Kerry’s mouth with a new cloth and moved aside the basin, grabbing the newly rinsed one that was sitting at her side and set it on the bed beside Kerry.

“Mhhh how long,” Kerry asked, beginning to feel a new contraction start. They did not hurt nearly as bad as they had before but they still took all of her energy and focus. She laid still against the bed as her abdomen tensed, a far cry from the way she’d curled around her stomach as she worked through contractions earlier in the night.

“Twenty minutes,” Abby said encouragingly, her eyes flashing up to the clock on the wall. It was nearing 3am now. Abby was still technically on shift but had sent Susan home to get an hour or two of sleep. Though Abby had insisted she give herself more time, Susan had insisted she’d be back by four, though Abby wasn’t entirely sure she’d spend any less time in the room upon Susan’s return. Luckily, the rest of the ER had been fairly manageable without her, save a few traumas she’d stepped out to help.

“Mmmmmm…” Kerry hummed as the contraction worked its way through; Elizabeth had shown her a few hours earlier how to vocalize without being loud and Kerry had taken full advantage of the new skill, though she didn’t need it now as desperately as she had before.

Abby watched the monitor as she saw the contraction die down, grabbing a glass of water and a straw off of the table to her side and tipping it to Kerry’s mouth, encouraging her to drink. If nothing else, the water at least gave her something to expel when she vomited. Kerry fell asleep quickly as the contraction ended and Abby wiped her forehead one more time with the cloth before standing up, stretching her legs for the first time in a while, moving toward the door and into the hallway.

Carter met her as she leaned her head back against the wall outside the family room and took a breath of the “fresh” air. 

“How is she?” He asked, nodding in the direction of Kerry’s door. Carter had a great track record of being kicked out of laboring coworkers' hospital rooms and only two hours before had again been banished by Kerry as she got sick on his shoes when he’d returned to check on her.

“Contractions are slowing down and don’t seem to be as strong as they were before.”

“And how are you?” Abby had been at Kerry’s side every moment she had not been called into a trauma.

“Uh… slowing down, and I don’t seem to be as strong as I was before.” Abby raised her eyebrows, looking ahead at the posters hung across from her. Carter shook his head, moving to lean on the wall beside her.

“I doubt that.” He said softly. “She’s lucky to have you.”

Abby looked up at his face for the first time; they hadn’t ended on the best terms and hadn’t spoken one on one in a while. She was truly surprised to find him reaching out.

“Thanks.” She whispered. She constantly wondered if she was overstepping where Kerry was concerned, perhaps trying too hard. To know that she was doing the right thing, that Kerry was benefitting from her involvement, made the emotional exhaustion she currently felt worth it. “I should get back in there until Susan gets back.”

“I’d offer to go in but I don’t think I’m allowed…” Carter practically whined. “Carol kicked me out when she had her twins too, I don’t get what it is with you guys.”

Abby flashed an incredulous smile up at Carter. “Really? You don’t get it?”

  
  
  


Susan was feeling far from refreshed upon her return from her miniature nap, and though she’d planned on going home she hadn’t gotten much farther than the lounge and slept poorly on the couch. Comparatively to the redhead on the bed in front of her, however, she felt great.

Kerry’s contractions had all but slowed to a stop, now only barely readable on the monitor. Kerry was in and out of a fitful sleep, no longer waking for contractions, but instead waking to get sick. The magnesium felt like the worst flu of her life and Kerry would have reminded herself to be grateful that it had stopped the contractions if she’d been aware enough to truly realize that it had worked. Maynard had come in to speak with her around 4:30am but had agreed with Susan to let her sleep, the update she had would be no different given an hour or so later on.

It was 6am when Maynard returned. Susan was slumped in the chair, trying not to let the steady rhythm of the baby’s heart tone lull her to sleep when the door opened again.

“Good morning,” she said quietly, resuming her place on the rolling stool at the end of the bed. “I’m going to check you one more time and then we’ll figure out the plan, alright?”

Kerry barely had time to wake up before Maynard was moving her legs into the stirrups and encouraging her to scoot her bottom down to the edge of the bed. Susan sat up further in her chair, trying to wake up as well, as Maynard examined Kerry for what felt like the 50th time that night.

Without a word, Maynard finished her exam and removed her gloves, moving toward the printed graph of Kerry’s contractions, looking at it a moment before speaking, and while Susan was waiting in anticipation, Kerry had all but dozed off again.

“Well, Kerry,” Maynard started, Kerry’s eyes opening again at the sound of her voice. “You’re still at three centimeters but you haven’t had a contraction in a few hours. I spoke with Dr. Coburn, she’d like us to start you on betamethasone to boost the baby's lung function and admit you for the next 48 hours. We’ll keep an eye on your dilation, make sure the contractions don’t start up again, and get this first round of steroids in you. And then...” her voice faded, obviously working up the courage to continue. “She would like to put you on bedrest and admit you for the remainder of your pregnancy.” If Kerry wasn’t awake before she certainly was now, her eyes growing twice their size as she pushed herself almost into a fully seated position.

“ _ What? _ ” was all her brain could translate of the chaos that was now filling it. The remainder of her pregnancy could be up to nine weeks.

“She believes, and I agree that...” Maynard began delicately. “Because you now… live alone… that it would be best if you could be here where you could be assisted and monitored.” It didn’t go unnoticed to Susan that Maynard was hovering near the door, should she need to make a quick escape. Slowly, Susan brought her eyes back to Kerry who looked as if her brain had shorted out.

“I want to talk to her.” Kerry asserted, her mind still foggy from the medication and the long night. “Call her.”

“Dr. Weaver, it’s 6 o’clock in the morning, I don’t think she will still-” Maynard began before Kerry stopped her.

“Call her.” Every last shred of energy Kerry had left was siphoned into her demand, ensuring Maynard knew she was serious before the brunette doctor dipped her head and exited to try to get her boss on the phone for said boss’s boss.

“Kerry…” Susan began, leaning forward with her elbows on her knees. Kerry didn’t acknowledge her, however, instead reclining back against the bed and putting a hand over her face, shielding her emotions from her company. Susan pursed her lips, unwilling to push Kerry further, and instead rose from her chair. “I’m gonna grab Abby for you.” She said quietly before moving from the room.

The second Kerry heard the door shut she could not help the frustrated tears that began to fall from her eyes. She just could not catch a break. What was supposed to be a joyous time, full of excited anticipation for the arrival of their baby, was turning into a tortuous endeavor, alone. Kerry tried to imagine what Sandy would say to her, if she were there, but if she were there, the prospect of two months in the hospital would most likely not be on the table. 

Sandy should have been there…

There was a quiet knock at the door before Abby pushed it open a crack, peeking her head in. “Can I come in?” At Kerry’s nod, Abby entered, shutting the door behind herself. “Susan said you wanted to talk to me.”

Kerry shook her head. She didn’t have the energy. She needed to reserve what little energy she did have to speak with Coburn. Abby accepted her response and moved to Susan’s recently abandoned chair just in time for Maynard to reenter the room. The OB doctor moved to the phone where it hung on the wall, connecting it to the line Coburn was waiting on and handing the phone to Kerry before dipping out the door again just as quickly as she entered, not wanting to be caught in the middle of the showdown. 

“Janet, it is a waste of the hospital's resources to admit me any longer than necessary,” Kerry said as soon as the phone touched her ear, sounding more coherent than she had all night, and Abby sat up straighter as the circumstances began to be clear to her.

“I knew you weren’t going to be happy, Kerry, but - as much as I hate to say this - you live alone now. I cannot in good conscious send one of my patients home by themselves after an episode of preterm labor. Let alone a patient in their third trimester of a geriatric pregnancy with a physical disability.” 

“If I’m on bedrest I’m not sure how my hip will be much of a hindrance,” Kerry snapped, the idea that she was incapable of taking care of herself enraging her enough that her exhaustion seemed to fall by the wayside.

“Did you enjoy your sprint to the hospital last night? Because I cannot promise that next time you will be lucky enough to not show up with a baby in your arms.” Kerry knew that the way the night had played out was a combination of luck and a medical miracle but did not let on how Janet’s words had affected her.

Abby tapped on Kerry’s leg then, and as soon as Kerry’s attention was grabbed, Abby pointed to herself.

“I won’t be alone.” Kerry started, her eyebrows scrunching as she tried to figure out exactly what Abby was trying to silently communicate with her. “Abby Lockhart stops by every single day.”

“And if you go into labor in the middle of the night?” Janet shot back. “You’re unable to get out of bed and reach the phone, what are you going to do?” Abby had heard her argument that time and reached for the phone, Kerry handing it to her, crossing the phone over her body and moving the cord off of her chest as Abby pulled the receiver in her direction.

“Dr. Coburn, what if I moved in with her?” Abby offered, ignoring Kerry’s eyes as they widened.

Janet took a beat after recognizing the voice before responding. “You still work, don’t you?”

“I could arrange for care in my absence.” Abby suggested cautiously, trying her best to ignore Kerry’s attempts at grabbing her attention.

Abby could almost hear Janet thinking on the other end, finally conceding to her suggestion. 

“If you could promise me that Kerry would have round the clock care and supervision… then maybe I’d agree to the idea.”

Abby looked up into Kerry’s eyes then, eyes that were still wide with disapproval but began to soften as she heard her doctor concede on the other end of the line. Finally, Kerry blinked in approval, looking away toward the opposite wall as Abby finished the call with her doctor.

“Dr. Coburn, I believe we have a deal.” Coburn gave her care instructions in detail and Abby made mental notes of them all, knowing that she had most likely also told Maynard who had noted everything on the chart. Eventually, Coburn hung up on the other end and Abby rose from her chair, moving around Kerry’s bed to hang the phone up on the wall..

After a few quiet moments, Abby spoke again. “Why don’t you seem relieved?”

Kerry let out a shuddered breath before finding her voice. “In case you haven’t noticed… assistance and supervision are not things I easily adjust to having.” She pulled the sheets up tighter around herself.

“Yeah, I’ve noticed…” Abby said lightly with a half smile. When the smile was not returned, Abby sat on the edge of Kerry’s bed. “Kerry… I know what it’s like, to resist help.” She began, the argument she’d been rehearsing internally for the last 24 hours coming out much softer than she’d practiced. “You try to shut everyone out because you think you’re strong enough. Kerry you  _ are _ strong,” Abby finally reached forward and grabbed Kerry’s hand, squeezing it in her own as she assured her. “But you don’t need to be strong and alone.”

Kerry couldn’t help the tears that welled in her eyes at the sentiment, but internally blamed it on the exhaustion. Still, she returned Abby’s squeeze in her hand, finally turning her head and looking at the younger nurse.

“Why are you so insistent on helping me?” She asked, almost rhetorically, but truly interested. There had been so many times in their past that Kerry had not treated Abby the way she deserved; Kerry wasn’t sure why she deserved such dedication.

“Because I like you, Kerry, and I want to be here for you.” She started simply, but when Kerry didn’t seem moved, Abby changed her tune. “You don’t have to like it, but you’re stuck with us; me, Susan, and even Elizabeth aren’t going anywhere. If it makes you feel better, just think of it as we’re there to help Emma.” Abby watched Kerry’s eyes look down toward her stomach, where her baby had finally relaxed and settled after a tumultuous night. Abby pursed her lips as she debated her next statement. “One time… that day Sandy picked you up months ago, when you were sick,” Abby prompted Kerry’s memory and when it seemed like Kerry knew the day she was talking about, Abby continued. “Sandy made Susan and I promise that we’d look out for you when she wasn’t around. I know Sandy would kick our asses if we broke that promise.” Abby’s own eyes began to well with tears as she watched the older doctor’s composure finally break, Kerry’s free hand moving quickly to cover her face as she let herself cry freely for the first time all night. Kerry remembered that day clearly, and remembered seeing the three women speaking to each other before she and Sandy left, but she’d always thought Susan and Abby had been complaining about her, joking about her. The assumptions she had made about their laughter had upset her that night and continued to feed into her relationship with her staff everyday afterward, adding to a multitude of other moments that she had collected throughout the years. The release of knowing that even one moment had been entirely misread opened corners of her guarded heart that she’d protected fiercely for many years and she couldn’t stop herself as she sobbed into her hand.

Abby knew Kerry well enough to know the outburst was heavily enhanced by the sheer exhaustion and weakness from being so sick and Abby, satisfied with the acceptance of circumstance she’d gotten from Kerry, rose from her chair and lightly stroked Kerry’s arm. Abby waited until Kerry calmed, her green eyes finding Abby’s sheepishly as she felt a wave of embarrassment run through her. Abby grabbed the wet face cloth and handed it to Kerry who pressed it against her swollen eyes for a few moments before handing it back gratefully. 

“Go to sleep,” Abby said eventually, placing the cloth to the side. “We have a couple days to figure this out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn. My first 9k chapter and it only took me three weeks haha. Truthfully, this all spilled out of me pretty quickly, but the medical fact checking is really where it got me and then I was completely daunted by the work. I'm pretty excited to have this chapter behind me, and really really looking forward to the next few chapters head of us as this story begins to wind down. Thank you all for hanging in there with me, I cannot believe we've been at this for almost six months now, and I also cannot believe this is so long that I am able to make references to moments that happened _truly_ twenty chapters ago. Crazy.


	25. Keep

Time seemed to move slower in a world without Sandy in it. A single hour felt like a day, days like weeks. Only fifteen days had gone by since Sandy had taken her last breath, but Kerry felt every moment without her just as clearly as she felt her own heartbeat, as clearly as the movements of their baby who still laid comfortably within her womb, the embodiment and proof that their love hadn’t been a dream that she’d been roughly awoken from. 

It was hard to not let her mind go to such a dark place when her body wasn’t able to go anywhere but her bed. She’d been home from the hospital for three days, though with the new way she felt time pass coupled with her current entrapment in her bedroom, it had felt more like approximately five months. However desperately she’d been aching to be, getting discharged from the hospital did nothing to comfort her. Being home wasn’t much better if it meant she got to lay in bed and stare at Sandy’s unoccupied pillow all day. As much as she wanted to shift to the other side of the bed and see if laying on Sandy’s side allowed her to feel any sort of connection with her late wife, the few times she’d tried in the weeks previous it had almost felt colder on that side of the bed. She wondered if that would ever go away.

A twinge of pain radiated from her hip and around her pelvis and she shifted slightly amongst the barrage of pillows. She’d been sleeping on her left side for months, prioritizing blood flow over comfort, but it only seemed to get more painful as the pregnancy progressed. That, in addition to her protruding belly that continued to get bigger and more cumbersome, kept Kerry from getting any more than two or three hours of sleep at a time.

Two to three hours of sleep a night for the foreseeable future… and Kerry found it almost overwhelming to be at once hoping it would last at least the next five weeks and wishing it would end, though not even letting herself consider the minimal sleep she would get  _ after _ the baby’s arrival. The inability to plan anything solidly for the next few weeks frustrated Kerry more than she’d wanted to let on. Little Emma could really come at any time, and with her lungs now boosted with steroids, she was far better off than she had been a week ago. At Kerry’s last check before being discharged from the hospital she was still 3cm dilated. When Emma was truly ready to go, she could come fast and while Kerry was as emotionally prepared as she could be, she was still very far from physically prepared, apartment-wise.

Her eyes flashed to the alarm clock on Sandy’s bedside table: 9:45pm. She wondered if Abby had gotten to sleep yet or if she was still busying herself around the apartment. When she’d brought her home a few days earlier, Kerry could already see that Abby had been by to clean, picking up the clutter that had piled in various places, vacuuming, dusting; things Kerry didn’t have the energy or the stamina for anymore. Kerry had fallen asleep fairly quickly after they’d eased her into bed - her body still recovering from the plight of preterm labor - but later that day when she woke up she could see through her opened door that Abby was in the nursery. Kerry could hear boxes being lifted and shuffled, most likely making room for the air mattress they’d bought for Abby’s elongated and enforced sleepover. Kerry insisted Abby allow herself some privacy, as they didn’t exactly need the nursery yet and once they did need it, Abby wouldn’t need a place to put her mattress anymore. 

Kerry clumsily pushed the pillows surrounding her away, pulling the long body pillow out from between her legs, and pushed herself up into an almost-sitting position, reaching to her own bedside table for her glass and taking a slow sip of water. Prioritizing her water intake was only one of the changes she was trying to make to reduce her chances of going back into labor before it was time. The other was getting the appropriate amount of food, though eating these days was much more of a chore to check off her to do list than it was ever out of hunger. Occasionally, she was grateful to have the responsibility of feeding herself to keep her baby healthy (and inside), because otherwise she wasn’t sure she’d be able to sustain her own life on the little amount of food she actually desired.

The door across the hall creaked open and Abby soon poked her head into Kerry’s room.

“Hey, you’re up,” she said softly, coming the rest of the way into the bedroom and sitting at the foot of the bed. 

“Mmhh,” Kerry acknowledged her with a hum, trying to finish her glass of water while she had Abby there to refill it. Kerry tipped the glass up and drank the last sip. “Are you still working in there?” She wiped the corners of her mouth with her fingers.

Abby nodded, leaning forward to collect Kerry’s empty glass from her.

“You don’t need to do all of that, Abby, I can hire people to come put all of that together.” 

“Why would you do that when I’m here? What else am I going to do?” Abby smiled, fidgeting with the glass in her hand.

“Relax?” Kerry offered, planting both hands into the mattress and pushing herself further up onto her pillows. “Study? Don’t you -” Kerry’s words faded out as her eyebrows scrunched. “I didn’t give you the check.”

Abby bit her lips as Kerry came to realize what she had almost been hoping she’d forget.

“It’s in my desk, I never gave it to you.” A new flood of guilt washed through Kerry as she leaned forward as far as she could to smack Abby on the leg. “Why didn’t you remind me?”

Abby couldn’t help but chuckle as her mouth dropped open at the (albeit gentle) assault. “We’ve been busy.” Abby retorted in defense. Truthfully, Abby was taking advantage of the distraction, hoping Kerry would forget about the check until after it was too late. No such luck, apparently.

“When does the school year start?” Kerry asked intently; any other year she’d have the calendar committed to memory, but this year she could barely remember her own name let alone the schedule for the entire hospital.

“August 24,” Abby, on the other hand,  _ had _ committed the dates to memory and had been counting down the days until she could spend another year putting off this next big step.

“Good,” Kerry relaxed slightly, “get the check out of my desk and get it in to the registrar.” Kerry detailed the location of her office keys without giving the nurse the opportunity for rebuttal, Abby eventually sighing in surrender. She rose off the bed and began moving back in the direction of the hallway.

“I’m getting ready to call it a night, I think.” Abby said gently, stopping at the doorway and leaning against it as her exhaustion began to set in. “I’m gonna fill up your water and then start getting ready for bed. Do you need anything else?”

Kerry smiled as memories of Sandy asking her the same thing, time after time, began flooding back. Sandy had tried so hard to be attentive, to be a step ahead Kerry’s needs, even before the pregnancy. It had taken her a while to get used to such attentiveness, such devotion, but the love between the two women had been so strong that it quickly became second nature to both of them to dote on the other.

She shook herself lightly out of the memories and turned her focus back to Abby, still waiting in her doorway.

“No, I’m alright. Thanks, Abby.” Abby ducked into the hallway and toward the kitchen and Kerry reached to her side to pick up the book she’d been reading. She wasn’t sure she’d be able to focus too much but hoped that it wouldn’t be long before she drifted back to sleep. Kerry scooched and shimmied back into her sleeping position, pillows and all, and was asleep again before Abby even returned with her glass. 

  
  
  


“This one looks well loved.” Abby held up Kerry’s paperback copy of  _ Mansfield Park _ , the binding fading to the point of illegibility. Kerry looked up from the coffee table book she had been perusing.

“Yes, that’s a Keep.” Kerry confirmed the obvious, flipping closed the book resting on her stomach and moving it into the Donate pile. She and Abby were about two hours into their endeavor to go through Kerry’s copious amount of books that had been sitting in boxes on the nursery floor since her first pregnancy. The boxes continued to be a collection place for the books acquired and read throughout the years and any semblance of organization was long passed. The Keep pile surpassed the donate pile by about fifteen books already and they still had a few boxes left to go.

Kerry reached into the box at her side and pulled out a heavy textbook, her eyes scanning the title, and then flipped through the pages before handing it to Abby.

“Take this, it will be helpful for your ER rotation.” 

Abby lifted the textbook out of Kerry’s hand, scanning the front and back before setting it aside in a pile for herself. A few more books were added to Abby’s pile as Kerry went through what appeared to be her medical library before she spoke again.

“I called the registrar,” Kerry began tentatively, knowing she had overstepped, but without much else to do to distract her she hadn’t been able to restrain herself. “They mentioned something about a late fee. They wouldn’t waive it until I explained that you had a death in the family and that you would bring the check over at the top of your shift today.” 

Kerry didn’t bring her eyes to meet Abby’s and instead continued absently flipping through the book laying open on her stomach. Though they technically weren’t ‘family,’ Kerry couldn’t imagine Abby would have acted any differently if they had been. And right now, Abby was as close to family as Kerry had. 

Abby pressed her lips together, biting back a smile. To be referred to as family didn’t give Abby the fight or flight response she expected it to. Instead, she felt warmth radiate through her entire being, and she chewed her lip as she neatened her growing stack of medical literature.

“I bet they took that better than they would have taken my explanation,” she muttered, rising off the bed to move her stack as she realized it was close to toppling over with every movement she made on the edge of the mattress.

“And what would that have been?” Kerry watched her carefully.

“That I was a wimp and chickened out.” She threw a glance over her shoulder as she hoisted a new selection of books off the floor. The box was so heavy that it shook the bed as she dropped it down. Kerry chuckled at being jostled and noticed Stinky’s head rise off the floor out of the corner of her eye. He had been stationed in the doorway, keeping a watchful eye over his humans before finally resting his head and napping. He looked around the apartment for the source of the commotion before lowering his head back down at no sign of trouble.

Abby started busying herself with the books; placing a new stack in Kerry’s reach, reorganizing the stacks on the bed, moving the Donate pile into a now empty box. She was moving the last of the Keep pile onto the floor when Kerry spoke up again.

“Do you want to go to med school, Abby?” Abby pulled herself to her full height and turned to face Kerry. The doctor’s expression was serious, all her focus placed on the nurse in front of her.

Abby took a moment, assessing how she truly felt about it all. “Kerry… as much as I appreciate your offer to help… my tuition… it’s a lot of money and I… I wouldn’t feel right borrowing that from anyone. It’s not a personal thing, really-”

Kerry cut her off before she could continue.

“Abby… look at all you’re doing for me.” Kerry found Abby’s eyes, leaning her head toward the younger woman. “It is truly the least I can do.”

“Yeah, I’m helping you out but it’s not worth  _ thirty thousand dollars _ .”

“It certainly is to me…” Kerry admitted, but Abby still didn’t give in. “Fine. I told you we could consider it a loan, if that makes you feel better? Interest free.” She watched Abby closely as the younger woman seemed to relax slightly; Kerry knew she was close to hitting her target. “You’ve done so much for me, Abby. Please let me do this for you.”

Abby looked down at the stack of study material in front of her. This was something she’d wanted her whole life, it was something she knew she could do, something she was good at. She wasn’t ready to give it up. Not out of fear, not out of pride. The woman she respected more than  _ anyone _ , the woman sitting right in front of her, was practically begging her to follow through. How could she possibly let her down? How could she let herself down?

Abby picked up the last of her pile of books. “I’ll bring the check to the registrar today.”

Kerry released a silent, relieved breath, nodding at Abby’s affirmation. “Good.” She lifted the last book at her side and held it out to Abby, somewhat struggling with the sheer weight and size of it. “And you’ll need this when you do.”

Abby laughed, quickly grabbed the book with both hands from Kerry, who shouldn’t have been lifting  _ anything _ heavy, and looked down at the title. “I don’t know how they expect us to read all of this and still do clinicals  _ and _ work.”

“I do not envy you the days ahead,” Kerry said, beginning to scan through the new pile of slightly more varied books. Every now and then she would come across a magazine of Sandy’s, mostly sports related, and place it carefully in her Keep pile.

“What is this?” Abby pulled out the delicate looking dark grey book, wiping the dust off of the binding as she read the gold letters. “ _ The Well of Loneliness? _ That sounds like a downer.”

Kerry’s eyes shot up from the cookbook in her hands. She had not thought about that book in years, and hadn’t seen it even longer. Eyeing it silently, she wondered how it ended up in the box with the cookbooks and sports magazines in the first place.

“I uh-” Kerry began, surprised at the flutters in her chest from the memories that particular book stirred up. “I haven’t read it.”

“Really?” Abby flipped through the antique book in her hands, delicately flipping through the pages that hadn’t seen sunlight in what could have been half a century. “Did you inherit it or something?”

Kerry debated how much of the history of that particular book she wanted to unveil, how much she even felt comfortable talking about. How much she wanted to think about, at all.

“I bought that for a friend.” Kerry placed the cookbook in her hands into the Keep pile and brushed her hands together, the layer of dust from the books being untouched so long leaving an uncomfortable texture. She placed her fists into the mattress and pushed herself up further on her pillow as Abby looked up, sensing an energy shift in the room.

Abby raised her eyebrows. “Is there a story here?” She asked, unsure how much she wanted to prod. The last thing she wanted was to upset the gentle harmony of the easy day they had been having so far.

Kerry nodded slowly, trying to decide where to start or what she was even going to say. She gently leaned to the side and grabbed her water off of her nightstand, taking a sip to buy herself a few more moments before setting it back down.

“I bought that book for the first woman I was ever with. Before we were together.” She clarified, momentarily unable to believe that she was the same person she had been when she bought that book nearly four years earlier as she rested both hands on the top of her stomach.

“But you still have it?” Abby furrowed her eyebrows, folding a leg underneath herself and sitting on the corner of the mattress.

“She gave it back.” Kerry nodded, before adding, “a couple times.”

Abby waited, giving Kerry space to continue her story should she want to. She looked back down at the cover of the book, brushing her hand over it to wipe away the remaining dust. 

“It obviously did not go well,” Kerry began again quietly, consciously avoiding any identifying information about the blonde who Abby had also known. “But, if it had gone well, or even lasted just a little longer… who knows if this one would still exist.” She rubbed at her stomach, feeling a gentle reciprocation of her movement, grateful the baby chose to take it easy this time as opposed to the drastic, painful movements she’d been inflicting as of late as her space to move became more and more restricted. Her focus drifted internally as she felt an excitement bloom in her chest at the thought of her daughter. Moments like this - an anticipation that took her breath away - used to come so much more often, back when the anticipation was not accompanied by moments of intense, horrific grief that also left her breathless.

Kerry pulled herself out of her thoughts, rubbing the bridge of her nose. “Sorry.” She looked up to see Abby watching her, grateful to see a face of understanding and not of pity. Abby still had the novel in her hand, then held it up slightly.

“So… keep?” She said gently. Kerry pondered the book that represented so much to her. Her first true heartbreak. The person she was all those years ago, so scared to come out but so miserable living her life as a lie. That person who, with time, climbed her way out of her dark hole of depression and met the love of her life on the other side. That book represented a whole chapter of her life that she didn’t want to throw away just yet. She wanted to remember the trials she had already conquered, she wanted to remember that she was capable. That she was capable of surviving.

“Keep.”

Kerry tried to bring herself back to the moment as they continued to shuffle through the books. Abby left briefly to prepare a snack, returning with a plate of crackers and hummus dip that she placed out of the way of the chaos of their organization endeavor but close enough to Kerry that she could reach it without straining. Kerry dug in quickly, surprised to actually desire the food in front of her.

As she dipped her cracker in the hummus, an ache tugged at her chest, a guilt that had heavily weighed on her conscience that she’d been able to suppress each time it had surfaced. Now, with Abby sitting across from her, it felt like as good time as any to get it off of her chest.

“I know I complain,” she began, setting down the cracker she had just picked up and brushing the light salt off of her fingers. “About this, this situation, the bedrest. But I know it’s my own fault.” It felt good just to let it out, Kerry truly feeling the benefits of having a confidante in someone for the first time since Sandy. “I wasn’t eating. I knew that poor nutrition could trigger preterm labor, I-I just. I was trying.”

Abby watched as Kerry made her confession, trying to gauge how much comfort Kerry was looking for. She waited when Kerry fell silent, wanting to give her an opportunity to get anything else off of her mind should she want to. When Kerry showed no indication that she had more to say and instead seemed to fidget with the crackers on the plate, Abby hazarded an attempt at some comfort.

“I know you were.” She said genuinely, knowing pity and being appeased were not what Kerry was looking for. “And, sure, maybe that contributed to it, but you can’t let yourself feel bad about it. Look at the situation. I mean, jesus, you lost your partner. Anyone would have a hard time even in a normal circumstance, let alone in their third trimester. There were a lot of factors in play here, Kerry. Who’s to say, in different, or even  _ better _ circumstances you still wouldn’t have ended up here.”

Kerry knew she was right, and hearing the words out loud helped. She had been so deep in her self flagellation that logic and sense had long since taken a back seat. 

“When I was in OB, I read an article...” Abby continued carefully, having only remembered this particular article late on the second night of Kerry’s hospital stay, and only remembered pieces here and there. She’d hoped to have time to look it up, but a spare moment was hard to come by these days for the nurse. “It was a study on the effects of emotional trauma and their correlation with preterm labor and preterm deliveries. The cards were pretty stacked against you. But… she’s still safe and sound. And that’s all that really matters, right?”

Kerry looked at Abby then and smiled softly, relieved she had decided to bring it up in the first place as her heavy guilt and anxiety began to dissolve at Abby’s words.

Kerry continued to eat the crackers as Abby held up books for her assessment, dropping them into the corresponding piles as they went. Abby glanced at the clock periodically; technically Kerry wasn’t allowed more than a few hours at a time in an inclined position and they were beginning to push the limit, but she knew the boxes were bothering the redhead and wanted to get them done before leaving for her shift. Kerry shifted in her spot, her hips aching from the immobility even in bed, and Abby picked up the various piles and set them in newly emptied boxes. They had one box left, which included the books that Abby had gathered from around the apartment at Kerry’s request, hoping to get all of her books in one place. Kerry set aside a few that she knew she would get through quickly during her bedrest and hoped to find one or two more of interest within this box. She did have, hopefully, at least five weeks to fill.

“Hey,” Abby lifted the book from the top of the box, holding it up. “ _ Emma _ . Is this where the name came from?” Kerry hadn’t questioned it when Abby had said the baby’s name earlier in the week, but it wasn’t lost on her that she hadn’t been the one to tell her. She wondered when Sandy had let the name slip and internally imagined reprimanding her wife for announcing a name they hadn’t officially agreed on yet.

Kerry smiled lightly, reaching forward and taking the book from Abby, remembering how Sandy had held that very book in her own hands. Her warm, soft yet intense hands that Kerry missed so much that it made her own hands tremble. Kerry held the book the same way Sandy had, her fingers in the same places Sandy’s had been. She took any opportunity these days to try to feel Sandy’s energy and if she focused really, really hard, she could almost feel the warmth that Sandy’s hands had left behind on the book months ago.

“Yeah…” Kerry spoke softly, staring at the book cover. “It took me forever to get through this book. It - well really it’s been with me since she has.” Kerry placed her hand on her stomach again. “Sandy saw it one night and noticed the name. Then… she never found another name she liked as much. None that she mentioned to me, anyway.” Kerry couldn’t imagine calling their child anything other than what Sandy had known her by, had called her for the last two months. Sandy died knowing she had a daughter named Emma. It was one last link tethering the two realities together.

“It’s a nice name.” Abby said softly. Kerry handed the book back and she placed the book in the Keep box.

“Actually, let’s keep that one out.” Kerry said after a few moments of reflection, holding her hand back out for it. Kerry wasn’t sure where she would put it yet but knew she wanted it somewhere she could see it. The night Sandy had noticed the name had been one of the most significant nights of Kerry’s life - the relief of reuniting with Sandy coupled with the first strong kicks from their daughter, and she almost felt transported back to that moment just by looking at the cover of the book. She wanted to keep it close.

Kerry almost couldn’t believe the abundance of books she had acquired throughout the years and was relieved when they reached the bottom of the last box.

“I found this one in the living room. I wasn’t sure what you wanted me to do with it.” Abby’s voice was low, as if she was preparing Kerry for bad news. Kerry’s eyes flicked up just in time to see Abby lift the thick, white paperback from the box.

It was Sandy’s baby book. The book she’d read from almost every day, to herself or aloud to Kerry. She’d become so curious and interested in the pregnancy, as time went on. She wanted to be involved, she wanted to know what was happening. There were times it frustrated Kerry, when Sandy would question Kerry’s experience based on what she read in the corresponding chapter, but most of the time, it elated Kerry. Even though she knew how committed Sandy was to getting her through IVF, how desperately she wanted the IVF to work, sometimes Kerry would allow her insecurities to take over and she’d wonder if Sandy truly wanted a baby as much as she did. With every new pregnancy fact Sandy brought to her, every question, every word read aloud, Kerry’s mind and heart were put at ease.

The bookmark remained tucked in the last quarter of the book.

She’d been so close to meeting her baby. The baby she had had so many questions about. The baby she’d spent so many nights talking to, waiting for with a hand on Kerry’s stomach, desperate for a kick or a movement, any way to feel connected to the baby that she wasn’t carrying, but the baby she still loved with her whole heart. 

They’d been so close to meeting each other.

While she should have known the book would appear, the image of it threatened to overwhelm her until Kerry caught a tight hold of her emotions, Abby noticing clearly as the glimmer in Kerry’s eye seemed to harden.

“Uh…” Kerry fought to keep her voice even. “Put it with this one.” Kerry handed her  _ Emma _ . “On the dresser.”

Abby felt bad, wondering if maybe she should have kept this book separate, found a place to tuck it away a little longer. She rose gingerly off the side of the bed and crossed to the dresser, setting the books on top neatly, propping them up against the tall jewelry box that sat in the middle of the surface. She turned to Kerry for approval, and at the stiff nod of Kerry’s head, returned to the task at hand.

Abby worked in silence, the air in the room quickly growing dark and solemn, as she organized the remainder of the books into boxes and brought them out one by one into the living room. The Keep books were to be placed on the shelves that lined the walls in the hallway and the Donate books she’d be taking down to her car to drop at the local Goodwill. The books she’d been lent for school, however, she’d keep in the nursery in a box until it was time to go. Kerry was right, she should be taking advantage of this time and studying, preparing for her return to med school, and with Kerry - one of the smartest doctors she knew - across the hall, she would be stupid to not utilize such a resource.

Abby returned to the bedroom to find Kerry still sitting up, seemingly lost in thought as she played with the edge of the blanket that covered her.

“You should lay back down, now.” Abby suggested. She moved to Kerry’s side as the redhead followed orders without argument - something she’d only been likely to do in the last few weeks, her resistance low from sheer exhaustion - and helped move the support pillows to all the right places. “I’m going to make us dinner around five, and then Susan should be here around six.”

She watched as Kerry groaned, rolling her eyes as she settled onto her left side again.

“You know, I really don’t enjoy the idea of my rotating list of babysitters.” Her voice was lighter as the heavy blanket of her momentary depression began to lift.

Abby smiled gently, handing Kerry the book she was currently reading from where it sat on the side table. “And how do we feel about five weeks in a hospital?”

Kerry let out a frustrated - yet amused - sigh, flipping the book open with the assistance of her bookmark. “Touché.”

  
  
  


They were finishing their meals when a knock at the door, followed by Stinky’s barking, alerted them to Susan’s arrival. Abby hadn’t needed to rise out of her spot on the edge of the bed, however, as soon they heard Susan greeting Stinky as the two of them crossed the apartment toward the bedroom.

Susan entered the room in a rush of pent up energy, moving directly for the end of the bed and plopping her bag stuffed to the brim with files and charts heavily onto the comforter.

“I am going to murder every single resident and then myself.” Abby couldn’t stifle her laugh in time at Susan’s deadpan, grabbing the now empty plates and exiting quickly for the kitchen.

“Okay, don’t do that.” Kerry retorted, sinking back into the pillows, allowing herself a moment to enjoy the image of someone else realizing just how difficult the job that she had done for many years actually was. She listened as Susan recounted her day, and Abby jumped into the shower quickly to prepare for her shift. As frustrated as Kerry was with her new situation, she did appreciate the sudden realization that she could still be helpful, assisting Susan with the various problems that arose at work. She missed her job, she missed working, she missed her regular life. Not just life before Sandy had passed, but life even before the pregnancy. She missed her ER. It was nice to be transported back through the charts and the situations Susan brought to her for help.

While they both had been nervous about their first night together, Kerry and Susan surprisingly enjoyed themselves. The oddity of the fact that Susan of all people now had keys to Kerry Weaver’s apartment was soon a distant memory, and upon beginning to pinpoint the issues Susan had brought to her and working with Susan to create a plan of action to solve them, they eventually picked out a movie to watch together. Kerry, cozy beneath her sheets, and Susan, sitting against the headboard on the other side of the bed with a thick blanket over her legs, were both fighting sleep as the movie began to play and, after the intensity of Susan’s day and Kerry’s baseline exhaustion she now lived at, they were both sound asleep before the first commercial break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise :) Happy New Year. 
> 
> I don't have a lot to say other than thanks for hanging in there. This chapter took a lot longer because, I think, as I get closer to the end I get more and more nervous about _getting to the end._
> 
> I also wrote a [Kerry and Susan one shot](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28218096) for wonderofasunrise for the ER Gift Exchange on Tumblr, and that was fun to write right before working on chapter 26 of this, which is very Susan heavy (and already drafted, so should not be another month long wait).
> 
> Hope y'all are well and I hope you enjoy; please stay safe & healthy.


	26. How Do You Go On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: a very, very brief line near the end mentioning passive suicidal ideation

“How was she last night after I left?” Susan asked as she slid up onto one of the stools at Kerry’s kitchen island, stifling a groan as she got off her feet. Her graveyard shift had been brutal and she was hoping that Kerry would be alright while she took a long, well deserved nap in Abby’s bed. It was all she could do to keep her eyes open while she chatted with Abby in the kitchen; even the sound of Kerry’s shower a few rooms over was enough to begin to lull the exhausted blonde.

“Incredibly grumpy,” Abby said from her position in the fridge, pulling out the leftovers from their dinner the night before and packing them in a plastic bag to bring to work with her. “If that kid doesn’t come out soon I don’t think any of us are going to survive this.”

They were moving into the fourth week of their odd, new living arrangements and while Abby and Susan were certainly feeling the exhaustion of caretaking almost round the clock, Kerry could feel herself starting to go crazy from lack of stimulation. She hadn’t been allowed out of bed for more than the time it took to walk to the couch in the living room for the last 22 days, her only solace found in the lengthy showers she was allowed to take three times a week, so long as she spent the whole time seated and called for assistance stepping out. She yearned for a nice, warm bath but knew there was no way she was letting anyone help her into the bathtub, let alone back out again. Instead, she’d close her eyes under the shower head and try to imagine submerging herself in her tub.

She would admit to anyone who asked that she was hiding in the shower. While Susan, Abby, and the occasional hired nurse were very helpful (and needed), Kerry could feel her restlessness partner with her raging hormones and if one more person asked her how she was doing she was sure she would combust, right then and there.

She wanted peace. She wanted quiet. She wanted to be alone for more than an hour or two at a time.

She was ready to have her old life back, but the uncomfortable twisting motion she felt beneath the skin of her abdomen reminded her that that old life was long gone. Kerry moved her head out from under the stream of water and looked down just in time to see what looked like a little foot jab upward against her skin. While there were times she was fascinated by the idea of the baby within her, other times she was almost freaked out, and seeing the same foot push upward again, she pressed against it lightly with her finger and it retracted. That was her baby.

A knock at the door disturbed the mother/daughter interaction and Kerry made her annoyance apparent in her voice when she responded.

“What?”

“Just checking, you good in there? You’ve been in there a while.” Abby called through the closed door - the comfort level between the two women had significantly increased through the weeks; there were not many delicate, carefully chosen words these days.

“I’m  _ fine _ .” Kerry barked back, the baby moving again from the stimulation of her voice. “I only get three of these a week, would you please let me have some peace.”

Abby turned to Susan who was leaning in the doorway of Kerry’s bedroom, having overheard the whole interaction. “See?”

Susan just shook her head and turned back toward the kitchen, prompting Abby to follow her. “Well, she’ll be happy that I’m on duty today because I plan on leaving her completely alone. I’m setting up camp in your bed and I don’t plan on getting up, short of that baby literally coming out of her, until you get back.”

Abby snickered at the blonde as she resumed her position on the bar stool, her head resting on her arms where they were folded on the counter in front of her. 

“I don’t think she’ll fight you on that. Everything I’ve suggested today hasn’t just been turned down, but passionately argued against. And if you really want to avoid a fight, whatever you do, do not mention the birthing class videos.” Abby packed her lunch bag and zipped it just in time to look up for her final warning. 

“I thought she wanted them?” Susan raised her head, looking at Abby with furrowed brows. “I thought that’s why I ran all over town last week trying to find a copy.”

“She did, but now she insists that they’re pointless, that it’s nothing that she hasn’t seen before, _ ‘I’ve delivered plenty of babies,’ _ ” Abby slipped into her improving Kerry impersonation. “ _ ‘Breathe, push, get baby out. Got it.’ _ ” Abby rolled her eyes as she recounted their conversation that morning. “I gave up. I’m too exhausted, I can't keep fighting with her over little things.”

Susan’s eyes widened in surprise and intrigue. Abby was there much more often than Susan was; Susan tried to stay over at least two times a week while Abby was at work, when their schedules lined up correctly. To cover during Abby's other shifts, there was a hired nurse who came by, but so far, while Kerry could still get herself out of bed without assistance if she really needed to, they had managed to go a couple hours here or there with no one in the house. A few hours was not long enough by Kerry’s standards, but it was already against her doctors orders and Abby and Susan were not looking to get in trouble with Dr. Coburn (not that she could really get them in any trouble, professionally, but certainly out of fear of the older, more aggressive and stoic woman).

Susan wasn’t surprised the two strong personalities were beginning to clash and was honestly surprised they hadn’t until now, but she knew that more likely than not, nothing Kerry could do or say would deter Abby from extending her hand. Abby’s volunteering to live with Kerry until the baby was born had surprised nearly everyone but Susan. She’d had a front row seat of sorts to their friendship as it had grown and strengthened; Abby had a dedication to the older doctor that Susan didn’t entirely understand but respected wholeheartedly. It was the fact that Susan herself was here so often that managed to surprise her every now and then. She tried to picture what she would have said in 1995 if someone had told her that she’d be staying over Kerry Weaver’s apartment twice a week (let alone a heavily pregnant Kerry Weaver). She was sure she’d have called security, if not psych, immediately.

They both heard the water in the shower turn off from across the apartment and Abby set her lunch box by her purse on the kitchen table before crossing to the en suite, giving Kerry a few minutes to prepare before she knocked on the door lightly.

“Ready for me?” She asked, not truly waiting for an answer before dipping into the room. They had the routine down by now: Kerry remained seated on the shower stool but had dried off with a towel and pulled her bathrobe around herself, Abby then moved toward her, handing her her crutch for her right hand and holding out her arm to support her left as she helped her carefully step out of the shower. Kerry tried her hardest not to shirk Abby’s arm off from around her but moved faster than Abby had anticipated, moving independently to the bedroom and lowering down on the bed before pulling the towel off from where she had twisted it in her hair.

Abby turned on the fan in the bathroom and shut the lights off behind her.

“Well, I’m out of here.” Abby waited for a response from Kerry, but was met with none, the redhead instead leaning to reach her hairbrush where it sat on her bedside table, but she’d sat just far away and her stomach hindered her just enough that she could not reach it. She tried for a few moments before Abby walked over and picked it up, handing it to her, biting back a smirk. “Have a good night.”

“Thank you, Abby,” Kerry whispered, somewhat grouchily. Kerry knew she truly was becoming insufferable, but the whole situation was beginning to be insufferable. She wasn’t sleeping, she could barely walk, she couldn’t do anything on her own anymore, she was constantly uncomfortable and sick to her stomach and most of the time she struggled to get a full breath as her diaphragm was compressed upward due the large, life sucking parasite that resided in her abdomen.

Kerry had to remind herself that Abby was only there to help, because the alternative - a very long hospital stay - was something Kerry desperately did not want.

Abby smiled faintly before leaving the bedroom, shutting the door behind her. Collecting her things, she swiftly moved to the front door, pulling on her shoes as she watched Susan follow her from the kitchen, Stinky loyally at her side.

“She’s all yours.” Abby smiled mischievously as she left, making note of the fact that she was considering her 12 hour ER shift somewhat of a vacation.

Susan was face down on Abby’s blow up mattress in the nursery, all but drooling on the feather pillow as she slept deeply. The exhaustion from the graveyard shift weighed her whole body down and it wasn’t long after Abby had left that Susan briefly checked in with Kerry - who had settled back into bed with various forms of entertainment at her reach - and barely made it under Abby’s blankets before she was dead to the world. 

A thump from across the hall jostled Susan out of her deep sleep and she blinked her eyes a few times before she remembered where she was. When no other sounds came, she closed her eyes again, unwilling to allow herself to wake up all the way quite yet. She wasn’t sure how long she had been asleep but however long it was, it had not been long enough.

The next sound she heard was Kerry’s voice, saying something she couldn’t quite make out, muffled through the doors between them. If she needed her, Susan reasoned, she’d call out a lot louder than that. Susan cozied herself deeper into the pillow.

“ _ Fuck! _ ” She made out that word loud and clear and lifted her head. She wasn’t sure she’d ever heard Kerry use that word before and when it was followed by another loud thump, Susan finally pushed herself up, giving her head a moment to adjust to the new position before rising off of the low bed to investigate.

Susan knocked gingerly on Kerry’s bedroom door before opening it a crack. “Kerry? Everything alright in here?”

Susan would have laughed if she didn’t think it would result in a knitting needle through her heart.

Kerry was sitting in bed struggling desperately with what looked like an attempt at a knitted scarf… or a hat? Whatever it was certainly was not going the way Kerry had intended it to.

“Why would anyone ever do this for relaxation?” Kerry gruffed, trying again to do the proper technique, the yarn slipping off of the end of her needle. “God damnit!”

Susan bit at her lips to hold back her amusement, noticing the  _ How To Knit _ books thrown on the floor as she came closer. 

There were few things Kerry was not successful at upon first attempt, and with every mis-stitch and slip-up, her anger boiled at the difficulty and her failure. Her frustration grew and grew until she was holding the needles so tightly it was a wonder they didn’t snap.

“Oookay,” Susan said finally, reaching across and taking the needles out of Kerry’s hands. “This is obviously not a restful thing for you, I’m taking this away.”

Kerry went to argue until her attention was drawn elsewhere. Both hands, now free of the knitting needles, moved to each side of her stomach as she felt it contract, slightly changing shape under the sheets. Susan watched her curiously, studying her face for signs of pain. Kerry blew out a steady breath as she waited for the sensation to end. There was no mistaking the difference between Braxton Hicks and real labor contractions anymore, the former hurting significantly less than the latter, but still Kerry couldn’t help the anxiety that was accompanied each time, as if every new contraction would be the beginning of the whole preterm labor fiasco all over again.

Once Kerry seemed to relax again, Susan pointed at her stomach with the confiscated needles. “See? She agrees with me. No more knitting.” Susan tried to lighten the mood, though it wasn’t lost on Kerry when she placed the needles and yarn across the room, far out of her reach, before leaning down and picking up the thrown books.

“Braxton Hicks contractions used to scare Sandy,” Kerry said seemingly out of nowhere. It wasn’t often that she brought up Sandy unprompted, especially to anyone other than Abby. “I used to assure her that everything was fine. That I’d know if it was labor.” Kerry snickered incredulously, letting her laugh finish her statement.

Susan watched her from across the room as Kerry put the yarn she’d pulled out of her new tote away, tossing the bag off the side of the bed to pick up later. Kerry had read all the books that caught her eye, she’d watched all the movies playing on TV to the point that there were nothing but reruns for her, she’d done all the work that needed to be done for the foreseeable future to assist Anspaugh while he still assumed the Chief of Staff position. Knitting had been an off-hand suggestion from Lydia, but it obviously was not quite what Kerry was looking for. 

Susan turned to the dresser beside her, setting the collected books down in front of a few framed photographs. She stole a quick look at the photos as she bought herself some time, neatly lining up the bindings of the two books. “Can I ask you a question?” Susan said suddenly, her eyes falling on a photo of Sandy and Kerry taken at what appeared to be a wedding, if the hoards of guests at fancily dressed tables were anything to go by. She turned to Kerry, taking a step closer to the bed as Kerry seemed to settle back into the pillows, once again unsure what to do with herself. The request surprised the redhead who looked up in Susan’s direction and simply nodded. Susan readied herself to ask the question that had been on her mind for over a month now. Since Kerry had just spoken of Sandy, Susan figured it wouldn’t be completely insensitive to ask about her. “That day… in the ER… you said ‘wife.’ You said ‘she’s my wife.’ Were you really married?” Susan admittedly was not entirely up to date on status of the law when it came to same sex marriage in Illinois.

While the question took Kerry by surprise and her innate response to something so personal was to recoil, a part of her was touched that Susan thought to ask… that she’d thought about it at all. It took a moment for Kerry to decide how detailed her answer would be.

“Not technically,” she began with a light shake of her head, reaching to fiddle with the ring on her finger before realizing she had taken it off a few weeks before, as her fingers had started to swell. “Not  _ legally _ .” Kerry looked up to Susan with a sad smile as Susan situated herself at the edge of the bed, ready for what felt like it would be a longer answer. “We had plans to go to Massachusetts after the baby was born.” Their conversation had been so cavalier that summer, when the news broke that Mass had been the first state to legalize same-sex marriage, neither truly feeling the desire to be married but wanting the legal benefits that would come with it, especially when it came to Sandy having to technically adopt Emma. While Illinois still would not recognize their marriage, they had decided that it would be worth it to solidify their family.

The sad reality of their thwarted plans hung in the air while Kerry looked down at herself, placing a hand above the spot where the baby seemed to be having the most activity, trying to quiet her movements as she kicked and scratched within her womb. Emma seemed to be as disappointed by the end of the story as Kerry was.

“What we did do, though,” she continued as the memories flashed in her head, the image of Sandy, donned in her sky blue bathing suit coverup, standing in front of her in the little cove they’d found on the beach flooding back to her, her long chestnut hair flowing in the warm breeze. “When we were in Barbados, we found a secluded section of the beach and we had our own version of a wedding, just the two of us. We committed ourselves to each other, we even had rings.” Kerry shook her head at the memory; it had been an off-hand comment from Kerry that they ‘get married’ on their trip and Sandy had taken the idea and run with it, even getting down on one knee and officially proposing their first night at the hotel, privately behind the closed doors of their suite. A few days later and everything had been prepared - a whole day leading up to their vow exchange. Meals in nice restaurants, a sightseeing boat ride, everything to make the day memorable.

“Sounds like a marriage to me,” Susan said assuringly. She never understood why it was so easy for something like what happened between her and Chuck to happen, while there were people in love and dedicated to each other who could not legally get married. It didn’t make any sense to her and she’d been glad to see the laws were beginning to change. She hoped it wouldn’t be long before they changed everywhere. “Why didn’t you tell us?”

Kerry looked up as Susan leaned toward her. “What do you mean?”

“Why didn’t you tell us you got married? Legally or not, that’s a big deal. Why didn’t you tell anyone?” 

“Susan,” Kerry began, sitting up straighter. “I know things are different now, but back then… I mean, why are you even asking me? You were there. Of course I didn’t come home and share the news.” 

Susan thought for a moment but eventually nodded. This year had changed a lot between the two of them. Susan’s perception of Kerry was far from where it had been in the past - the woman she wrote off as smug and bossy, she’d realized, was actually just confident and administratively talented. Perhaps those qualities were expressed in a sharp, untactful way on occasion, but Susan no longer hated her for it and was beginning to actually appreciate her. Thinking about how far they had come since they first met, Susan occasionally regretted the lost time between the two of them, regretted the time they spent fighting. 

The feelings were beyond reciprocated on Kerry’s end; she appreciated the blonde’s humor, her commitment, her passion, but above all else, her dedication to her friends. Kerry had been on the receiving end of that more times than she felt worthy of in the past year and wished their personal relationship had not been tainted by the way it started. 

The room almost felt transported back to the lounge all those months ago, when the air between them hung taught with the energy of their unspoken apologies. Kerry had just returned from her first medical leave and Susan had admitted that she’d been worried about her. It was a first glimpse of the direction their friendship would take, and Kerry figured there was no better time than now to clear the air.

“Susan,” she began, smoothing the sheets over herself with her hands, giving herself a distraction from looking up at Susan’s face. “I know this is a long time coming, and probably significantly overdue, but… I want to apologize. For the way I treated you when I first came to County. I-I was trying to prove myself and you got the brunt of it. I’ve always regretted the way our working relationship began.” Kerry looked up then, at Susan who was staring slack jawed at the redhead, unable to truly believe what she was hearing. Kerry Weaver was apologizing. Finally, Susan shook herself out of her daze, finding her voice again.

“Kerry, that was nearly ten years ago,” Susan could feel herself shying away from the vulnerability Kerry was presenting, not entirely feeling up to following her lead.

Kerry waved away Susan’s argument with her hand. “No, please let me say it. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the last month it’s that you never know if you’ll get a second chance at things like this.” Kerry could feel her eyes watering slightly but blamed the hormones, barreling through to her point. “I am so grateful for your friendship, Susan, even when I really believe I don’t deserve it. And it’s time that I officially apologized.”

Susan was so caught off guard by the whole thing that she wasn’t sure what to say. It took her a few minutes to even pull herself out of the slight haziness of exhaustion that currently occupied her brain before she found the words. “You’re apologizing like it was all you.” Susan pointed out, letting her fingers trail along the pattern of the comforter. “I didn’t exactly give you a warm welcome.”

Kerry looked down - she remembered how ousted she felt in her first few weeks before the final culmination of their aggression peaked when Kerry walked into the lounge in the middle of Doug’s performance. As if Susan could read her mind, she continued.

“And I never really apologized for what happened with Doug.” Susan had always felt a twinge of humiliation and guilt when it came to that particular moment; she had been so wrapped up in her frustration with the new doctor that the gravity of Doug’s actions hadn’t hit her until she’d seen the look on Kerry’s face. It was a moment that haunted her, that followed her, and there were times when she would look at Kerry and be reminded of it and feel the flush of humiliation all over again. “I hate to dig up old wounds, but while we’re here… I’m sorry that I didn’t stop him.”

Kerry felt the tears escape her eyes then, realizing in that moment just how badly she’d needed to have this talk with Susan. All these years she thought that she’d moved on, but the image of Doug in her mind’s eye hurt just as bad as it did in the flesh. 

“ _ God _ ,” Susan huffed, wiping her own eyes. “You’re the hormonal one, why am  _ I _ crying.” The two women laughed through their tears and Kerry reached to her well-used, nearly empty tissue box at her bedside, pulling a tissue out before offering them to Susan.

“Can we believe after all of that, here you are sleeping on the floor of my nursery?” Kerry laughed as she sniffled, dabbing at her eyes with a new tissue.

“Imagine what Mark would say,” Susan felt a fresh wave of grief pass through at the mention of his name, disguising a quiet sob as another laugh.

Kerry only shook her head. Yet another example of a relationship that needed mending that she’d never taken the opportunity to mend.

As the two women composed themselves, Stinky found his way up onto the bed, licking Susan’s face with great enthusiasm. Susan had quickly become his favorite house guest and Susan couldn’t help but take pride in being Stinky’s chosen one.

“I suppose I should let you go back to sleep.” Kerry said eventually, collecting her discarded tissues and tossing them blindly into the garbage she knew was just in front of her bedside table. “If you’ll just wait here, I need to use the bathroom.” Yet another fun addition to Kerry’s new life was the supervision required to use the bathroom, or just to rise out of bed at all. She believed it was mostly that no one trusted her to truly follow the guidelines of her bedrest but she was beginning to argue that if she was going to rebel, she would have done it weeks ago. And now, at thirty-five weeks and two days pregnant, it wasn’t like she would get far, let alone quickly. 

Luckily, Kerry’s apartment had already been equipped with accessible accommodations and the metal support bars beside the toilet kept her from requiring assistance to rise off of it (thus far). Susan offered her hands and helped hoist Kerry to her feet, watching as Kerry slowly waddled, with the heavy assistance of her crutch, into the bathroom.

“Maybe I should bring another crutch by, do you think a second one would help?” Susan offered when just watching Kerry’s careful movements caused pain in her own hips.

“Why, for my walks to the toilet and back?” Kerry snapped - the gentleness laced in her voice only a few minutes earlier obviously a thing of the past - shutting the door behind her with force.  _ ‘Can’t keep fighting with her over little things’ _ Abby’s voice played in her head, reminding Susan to choose her battles carefully. The blonde sighed, collecting her own tissues and throwing them out as well before grabbing Kerry’s water glass to fill it and making note that it was nearing time for lunch. Susan moved to the mirror beside the closet door and was wiping away the makeup that had begun to run down her face when the phone rang.

“Susan,” Kerry called from in the bathroom. “Will you grab that?”

Susan moved quickly to the phone on the bedside table and lifted it to her ear. “Weaver residence.” She said, slightly tongue-in-cheek.

“Hi, Susan, it’s Abby.” Abby said quickly, Susan barely making her words out over the chaos of the noise in the background.

“What’s up?” Susan sat on the edge of the bed. It wasn’t often that Abby called from work.

“I’m gonna have to work the graveyard tonight, Chuny and Malik are both out with the flu,” Susan could hear Abby’s name be called in the distance. “ _ I’ll be right there! _ Sorry. You’re on tonight too, right?”

“Yeah, seven to seven.” Susan looked toward the bathroom door. By some miracle, they had lucked out over the last few weeks, their schedules had never conflicted quite so badly. Leaving Kerry alone overnight would not be an option.

“She’s getting so big,” Kerry remarked from her position on the couch. Ella sat on a dining chair they’d pulled from the table, a towel strewn out on the floor below her as she ate her Dino nuggets off the plate in her lap. Elizabeth smiled, running a loving hand over her daughter's head.

“She’ll be four in the spring,” Ella looked up at her mother, offering one of her nuggets. “No thank you, darling, you eat that.”

“Four,” Kerry emphasized, shaking her head. “Wow.”

“It goes fast. You’ll see.” Elizabeth smiled.

They’d fallen in and out of awkward silence since Elizabeth had appeared an hour earlier. Kerry hadn’t been made aware of the change until Elizabeth had buzzed to come up, and Susan swore up and down that she had thought she’d mentioned it. Whether or not Susan was telling the truth or had intentionally neglected to tell her as to avoid any unnecessary complaints from the captive audience, Kerry had to quickly hide her frustration, as it wasn’t long before the surgeon and her mini-me were standing at her door. Susan had stayed long enough to get Kerry from the bedroom to the couch for a change of scenery but soon her pager was buzzing repeatedly and she had to dash quickly out the door.

Ella had been shy at first, hiding behind her mother and not responding to Kerry’s greeting, but was beginning to come out of her shell, coaxed expertly by the overly friendly yet gentle Stinky. 

Ella held up another Dino nugget, this time holding it in Kerry’s direction. “Miss Kerry want a bite?” She said sweetly, her eyes large and green.

“No thank you, sweetie.” Kerry tried to hold back a chuckle, but the tiny blonde was so cute it was a difficult task.

“Baby want a bite?” Ella pointed the dinosaur shaped chicken nugget in the direction of Kerry’s belly and both adults couldn’t help laughing.

“No, she’s okay too. But thank you for offering, Ella, that’s very sweet of you.” Ella had been nervous at first at the sight of Kerry’s belly, not entirely sure what to make of it. Elizabeth had gently explained that there was a baby inside, just like the baby doll she loved playing with at home. As Ella began to understand, in the way that three year olds can, she began to be more curious, and before dinner had come to sit beside Kerry on the couch, asking if the baby was a boy or a girl (because that would determine in her mind what toy she should share).

The two doctors resumed watching the toddler, quietly eating their own meals until the silence was just long enough to be awkward.

“So… how many weeks to go, now?” Elizabeth set her nearly empty plate to the side, leaning back in the recliner and using a few fingers pushed against Ella’s chair to gently rock herself back and forth.

It took Kerry a second to remember exactly; the repetitive days seemed to blend together so well she had to think hard to remember how long it had been since she’d been discharged from the hospital. “Well, we’re hoping for three more weeks. But it’s five to the due date.” Kerry answered, taking her last few bites of her meal and depositing her plate on the coffee table.

“How have you been keeping busy? Or have you?” Elizabeth leaned forward to wipe a schmear of ketchup off of Ella’s face. “I can’t imagine you’re one to sit around docile.”

Kerry laughed at the accuracy of Elizabeth’s statement. “Docile’s not the word I would use, no.” She stretched her legs along the length of the couch, grateful just to have a different space to occupy. She couldn’t ask for more than that, these days. “I have PT three times a week, trying to keep my muscles from completely atrophying. Susan normally brings me a couple hours worth of problems from the ER every week… Abby and I have been cleaning. I’ve been trying to knit but my needles were confiscated…” Elizabeth laughed then, several images appearing in her mind of the various reasons for Kerry’s needles to have been taken away. “I am starting to go a little crazy… and I will admit I was not in the greatest of moods this morning.” She looked at Ella then, who looked up from her last chicken nugget in time for her large green eyes to meet Kerry’s. “But it’s hard to stay in a bad mood with this one around.”

Elizabeth couldn’t help marveling at the person in front of her. While this person looked like Kerry and sounded like Kerry, she was so different than the Kerry she knew… or, the Kerry she had built in her mind. That Kerry was cold, impersonal. While she’d reached out more throughout the last few months, in a combination of feeling sorry for the woman who had just lost her partner and being swayed by the opinions of Abby and Susan, they hadn’t truly spoken more than a few times and they hadn’t spent this much time alone together in… ever. Elizabeth was surprised to see how soft Kerry could be, especially when it came to Ella. Her voice became gentle and high pitched when she spoke to the young child and Ella warmed up quicker than she did with most strangers. While Ella surely didn’t know it, the two of them were far from strangers. In a twist of fate Elizabeth tried not to think of often… Kerry was likely the reason Ella was sitting there right then, sitting up on her own, feeding herself, talking.

“Ella, come here.” Kerry said softly, pulling the blanket draped over her stomach up slightly and pressing the fingers of her left hand lightly into her belly while her right hand extended for Ella. Elizabeth took her plate and nodded when the tiny blonde looked up for approval. At her Mother’s permission, Ella slid off the dining chair and moved toward the redhead on the couch. Kerry took the little hand in her own and held it against the side of her belly. The movements were small currently, and unlikely to startle the three year old.

“Do you feel it, darling?” Elizabeth asked from across the room, watching her daughter feel a new life for the first time.

“What is that?” Ella giggled at the strange movement under her hand.

“That’s my baby,” Kerry all but whispered, her cheeks almost aching from smiling so hard at the toddler as her eyes went wide.

“The  _ baby _ ?” Ella asked, stunned at the news. “Is she playing?”

Kerry chuckled; the movements felt more like fighting to her. “She’s trying to.” The toddler kept her hand pressed into Kerry’s side, waiting for more movements.

“Is she sleeping?” She asked when the baby was still for a while.

“Maybe… but sometimes I can wake her up.” Kerry poked gently into her stomach, at this point having memorized all the spots that worked the baby up and got her moving, the spots she utilized when her anxieties were high and a moderate amount of time had passed since she last felt the baby move. Kerry was grateful she still had the blanket over her to soften the image of the movements because she was sure the next few waves from the baby would have freaked Ella - and even  _ herself _ \- out. She’d reprimanded Susan for showing her  _ Alien _ this far along into her pregnancy.

“Woah!” Ella exclaimed, recoiling her hand to her side, looking to her mother with a smile spread broadly across her face. “The baby is moving!”

“I know, darling. Very interesting, isn’t it?” Ella had a very inquisitive mind - unsurprisingly, considering her lineage - and each discovery opened so many new doors for the three year old. Elizabeth could already anticipate the conversations they would be having about babies in tummies for the next few weeks. 

“I can show the baby my toys?” Ella looked up in question, her eyes moving between the two adults in the room.

“Are you full? All done eating?” Elizabeth rose out of her chair and collected their plates, moving with them toward the kitchen.

“Yes, Mommy.” She said politely, waiting for further permission. 

Kerry watched the mother daughter dynamic as Elizabeth allowed Ella to play with her toys again only once she washed her hands, ushering her swiftly into the kitchen. The redhead adjusted her position on the couch, trying to move the pillows under her back into more supportive positions, but nothing she could do seemed to help. She’d been on the couch for a couple hours now and could probably use moving back into bed, but the thought of going back into that small, suffocating room was almost worse than the back pain she was feeling.

Still irritated at being prodded so much, the baby continued to move, squirming and stretching, rippling waves on the surface of Kerry’s stomach. Each movement was painful and uncomfortable, and with Ella still in the kitchen with her mother, Kerry allowed herself to wince at the sharp movements. 

Elizabeth had come around the corner just in time to see Kerry sip in a quick breath as the baby kicked three steady kicks against her ribs in succession. “God,” Kerry exclaimed as quietly as she could, then began addressing her daughter. “Okay. Okay, I get it.”

“Where’d she get you?” Elizabeth grinned empathetically, resuming her seat in the recliner while Ella tore through her overnight bag looking for the exact toy she wanted to show the baby.

“My ribs…” the pain was in such a specific internal location she didn’t even know how to smooth it, settling for lightly stretching her back from side to side.

“Oh they’re little devils in the last month.” Elizabeth remembered. “Just wait till she lodges that little foot  _ between _ your ribs.” 

Kerry grimaced at the idea, feeling fortunate to have not experienced that just yet. She laid back into the cushions behind her again, rotating slightly onto her right side to relieve as much pressure off of her back as she could.

“Why is it that no one talks about this part.” Kerry began, trying to keep her voice light in the presence of the young child. “They tell you about the little, gentle kicks. The butterfly feeling. They tell you when they can hear your voice. What  _ fruit _ they’re the size of that week. They don’t tell you that it feels like you are a guest in your own body.”

Elizabeth bit at her lips as she watched Kerry lament. “For the sake of the future of the population? Because if they told you how it really is, no one would want to do it.”

Kerry chuckled in agreement, watching as Ella came to the side of the couch and kneeled on the floor just beside where Kerry’s belly rested. Ella began speaking softly to her new friend - a combination of the gentleness of her voice and the slight speech impediment of someone just learning to talk made her words unintelligible but both women hushed their own conversation to watch.

“It’s nice to be able to talk to someone who gets it…” Kerry began again after another few moments of silence. Her eyes found Elizabeth’s as they both looked up from Ella playing with her toy horse against the edge of the couch. “Abby and Susan try but…”

“They’ve never been privy to the feeling of their body being taken over by a tiny intruder who assaults their insides and squishes their bladder until they have to pee every twenty minutes?” Elizabeth offered, her eyes bright, enjoying the momentary commiseration.

“Exactly.”

The next hour seemed to breeze by; Kerry simultaneously apologizing and thanking Elizabeth throughout for volunteering to be her keeper for the night. Elizabeth assured her that it was no trouble at all, even when it was time to put Ella to bed. Once Ella was changed and ready to sleep, Elizabeth had helped Kerry off of the couch and followed her closely into the bedroom. She began to accompany her to the bathroom until Kerry assured her the accessible features that had already been installed pre-pregnancy were enough to allow her some independence. Elizabeth waited still, with Ella at her side, until Kerry re-emerged from the bathroom, offering her assistance in getting the redhead comfortable in bed.

Ella sweetly said goodnight to Miss Kerry and her new friend Baby Emma and soon Elizabeth had her tucked on the couch, situated with her favorite Barney VHS tape, and before long the three year old was asleep.

The apartment was quiet, Elizabeth lightly dozing in the recliner, doing her best to stay alert should Ella wake up disoriented from not falling asleep in her own bed.

Eventually a noise did wake Elizabeth, pulling her out of her sleep, but it wasn’t Ella. The surgeon blinked her eyelids open slowly, letting them adjust to the dark room. She wasn’t surprised that the clock on the VCR read 11:30, the crick in her neck telling her she had been sleeping with her head lulled to the side for more than a couple hours.

Elizabeth began to think that maybe she’d dreamed the noise when she heard it again. It was down the hall and almost too quiet to hear, but when she heard it a third time, she rose out of her chair. By the time she got to Kerry’s bedroom door, she knew the noise was coming from Kerry and she hadn’t even needed to open the door to know that Kerry was crying.

She knocked lightly on the door. “Kerry?”

She could hear Kerry sniffling and the sounds of her shuffling in bed, but she got no response.

“Kerry, are you alright?” She didn’t want to intrude beyond her welcome or make Kerry uncomfortable, but she didn’t feel right leaving the obviously distraught women by herself. When she heard another sob, she hazarded the question. 

“Can I come in?” 

She barely made out Kerry’s ‘yes’ through the door, but was fairly certain she’d been granted permission and slowly creaked the door open. Kerry was sitting up in bed, blowing her nose as tears continued to flow down her red cheeks. Her eyes were bloodshot and swollen - she’d obviously been crying for a while.

“I’m sorry… did I wake you?” Her voice cracked as she looked up, wiping more tears away with another tissue.

“No,” Elizabeth lied, leaving the door open a crack should the only other person in the house wake up and require consoling. “Are you okay?” She knew the grieving, hormonal woman was probably far from okay but asked her anyway.

Kerry sniffled as she debated how to answer the question. “Sometimes it just hits me all at once.” She admitted, her throat tightening as it flooded over her again. “I’m sorry.” She apologized, hiding her face in her hands. While the pregnancy left her with little control over her emotions, the intensity of the circumstance left her completely defenceless.

“Oh, please…” Elizabeth began somewhat awkwardly, stepping closer to the bed but unsure exactly where to place herself. Instead, she stood about a foot away, her hands fidgeting in front of her. “Don’t apologize.”

“Nights are the hardest, you know?” It was the silence that accentuated the empty space that Sandy used to occupy. Between the bedrest and her inability to sleep, there was nothing to distract Kerry from the fact that her entire life had been turned upside down only a month earlier, that every plan they’d made was no more, every goal they had. Every dream.

“I do know.” Elizabeth said softly, unmoving.

Even the gentle validation was enough to push Kerry back over the edge and she couldn’t stop herself before she sobbed into her hand, trying with all her might to keep her volume low to keep from waking up the child sleeping in her living room.

“I’ve grieved before. I’ve lost both parents. I’ve lost two babies. But this… losing her has turned me inside out. Every room I walk into, I expect to find her there waiting for me.” Kerry couldn’t bring her eyes to meet Elizabeth’s, unable to completely believe she was falling apart in front of someone, when she’d been so skillful at only letting these moments happen when she was alone, in between chaperones or while Abby was in the shower. “I reach out for her at night and sometimes I  _ feel _ her. And then, I open my eyes and it hits me all over again.” She put her cool hand to her forehead; her face was hot to the touch and her eyes burned. “And when I  _ do _ sleep, the dreams... they are so- so vivid and real, and I know it’s the hormones, but these dreams… they can be so cruel. Sometimes she’s missing and no one can find her, but I-I just know she’s out there somewhere… sometimes she walks in the door like nothing’s happened and even laughs at me when I collapse at her feet. But most… most of the time…” A crushing wave of grief encompassed her and she brought both hands to her face, sobbing briefly before finding her breath and her voice again. “Most of the time they’re just… Sandy and the baby. Sandy holding her. Meeting her. Raising her. Those are the ones… those are the ones that hurt the most to wake up from.”

Elizabeth wasn’t sure what to say. She knew from experience that there was nothing she could say that would make Kerry feel better, that would ease her pain. Instead, she continued to sit and offer silent support, just in being there.

“There are days that I wish I would just… not wake up.” Kerry whispered so quietly Elizabeth wasn’t sure she’d heard her correctly until the redhead’s eyes met hers, the unmistakable pain in them clarifying her words. Kerry gasped a breath at the release of admitting something she’d been so ashamed of, something that made her feel like the worst mother in the world before she even got the chance to be one. “How do you do it?” Kerry asked, wiping hastily at her eyes, her wavering voice taking on a hardened, angry edge as she continued. “How do you go on every day? How do you go on knowing that that person should still be here. They should be living their life, getting older, having birthdays. Watching their kids grow.” The desperation for some sort of a clue, anything that could help her navigate the wreckage of her heart without Sandy, was clear in her eyes as she begged Elizabeth for an answer, large tears rolling down her cheeks. “How do you go on?”

It broke Elizabeth’s heart to watch the normally put-together women shatter before her eyes. Even in the time she spent with her the day Sandy had died and the day of her funeral Kerry had managed to keep her composure. She was sure she’d never seen the redhead quite so undone. She posited the astronomical question for a moment.

“You just do.” She shrugged. Elizabeth knew if she had been on the receiving end of that advice, it would have enraged her, so she quickly elaborated. “You’ll do it for her, at first.” Elizabeth nodded toward Kerry’s stomach. “But… once all of this has calmed down, and she’s here, and everything gets quiet again… you’ll start to do it for Sandy.”

Kerry shook her head. 

“I don’t know how to live in a world without her,” she admitted, the words leaving her breathless as the full weight of their truth tore through her body.

Elizabeth took a grounding breath, finding her seat at the edge of the bed. “As much as you want to, Kerry, you can’t run away from it. It’s like this big relentless wave that you have to ride. But, in riding it, somehow, you hold on to what you’ve lost. And, you find a way to go on without shutting off.” Elizabeth leaned forward, her eyes trained on the carpet in front of her. “I tried to pretend, once Mark was gone, that I could pull myself up, continue like normal. But it doesn’t work like that.” She looked up at Kerry, whose eyes, still desperate for answers, seemed to lighten slightly at her words, the pace of her breath calming as she listened to the sound of Elizabeth’s voice. “It’s not easy, but you do it. And every day it gets a little easier, and you can breathe a little better. And I know, someday soon when you look into your child’s eyes what you will see are the beautiful things that live on in her.”

Kerry lost her composure again, then, and Elizabeth leaned toward her to place a comforting hand on her leg. Kerry cried for a few more minutes, uninterrupted by either of them, and Elizabeth allowed a few of her own tears to fall, a response to her own repressed emotions the conversation had stirred up. 

Kerry could feel the baby squirming, having been jostled awake by her heaving sobs. While, logically, Kerry knew Emma shared none of Sandy’s DNA, she desperately hoped she’d be able to see some of her spirit in her eyes. Sandy had been talking to her for months - surely Emma had to have listened, absorbed some of her other mother’s energy. As Kerry tried to compose herself, she allowed one hand to drift toward her stomach as a new, different sensation began.

“I think…” She started, sniffling and clearing her throat to find her full voice. “I think she has the hiccups.”

Elizabeth smiled, grateful that Kerry seemed to be coming out of the dark cloud of grief that had encompassed her, guided skillfully by the baby within her. They had a way of lightening a moment, Elizabeth remembered fondly. Elizabeth couldn’t help herself and reached toward where Kerry was feeling with her hand, and Kerry guided her to the right spot and lightly pressed her fingers in. They didn’t have to wait long before the jerking motion happened, followed by only a few seconds before the same motion happened again.

“She might not have been here if it weren’t for the last thing Mark said to me, before he left for Hawaii.” Kerry said suddenly, while they kept their hands pressed into the side of Kerry’s stomach. Elizabeth looked up, surprised.

“What did he say?” Leave it to Mark to have cracked even the hardest of shells.

“He told me not to let my work become my life.” She could almost hear his voice, still. “As if it hadn’t already.” She shook her head, remembering the place she had been in nearly two years ago. “I think Sandy was a little shocked when I brought up having a baby, the first time. But I blamed Mark.” Kerry smiled gently, looking up at Elizabeth who still had her hand pressed into her side, still feeling the hiccups of the baby within. “I respected him so much. I never meant to hurt you. Either of you.”

Kerry felt a bit like she was making reparations, with the amount she’d been apologizing for the past, but something about bringing a new life into the world made her want to tie up the loose ends of the life she had lived thus far. She wanted to clear the air and move on, particularly with these women, as they continued to prove themselves so selfless, expending their time and energy to take care of her when she had no one else.

Elizabeth watched Kerry closely as she apologized. For what exactly, Elizabeth wasn’t sure… there was a lot to choose from in her mind. As much as she hated to admit it, Elizabeth still had a warning bell in the back of her mind that kept her on her toes with Kerry; chalk it up to seven years of experience and the influence of those around her. But Kerry sounded genuine, and Elizabeth could feel how her heart had slowly begun to soften for the redhead. 

“I’m sorry that this is what had to happen to finally get us to bond…” Elizabeth said with a sad smile. “But you’ll get through it. Some days the grief is so strong and present that it’s difficult to get out of bed, and other days it will just be a gentle reminder that you were lucky enough to love someone so much.”

“Mommy?” A little voice from the doorway turned both their heads and the tiny, Barbie pajama-clad blonde hugged her stuffed bear to her chest.

Elizabeth held her arms out for her daughter who ran across the room into them, shuffling quickly up on her lap.

“And sometimes you will still feel that love so strongly,” Elizabeth whispered over Ella’s head, rubbing soothing circles over her back, “that it feels like they’re right beside you.”

Kerry knew Elizabeth was right, because she was already experiencing the types of grief Elizabeth was referring to, but instead of feeling them one at a time, they were happening all at once. Perhaps that was why it was so overwhelming. She hoped, as time went on, they would spread out and allow her moments to breathe between the grief and the love. Watching as Elizabeth hugged her daughter close and kissed the top of her head, Kerry felt, for the first time, like she could get through it too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was so long that, in reading it through one last time, I was wide awake when I started and now I am not sure I was awake as I read through the last half haha. I hope there are no glaring errors. This chapter was fun to write (from the 'she was sure she'd call psych' joke that I'm sure I read in another fic, but after searching everywhere (!!!) I cannot find it, please let me know if it was your joke because it was perfect -- to Elizabeth's canon monologue that I messed with a little) - I hope you enjoyed it. I'm looking forward to hearing all of your thoughts and I'm excited to start the next chapter! Thank you for reading and hanging in there with me!


	27. A Peace Offering

An early morning breeze lifted the curtains, blowing a gust of fresh air into Kerry’s bedroom. September was such a gentle month in Chicago - not too hot, not too cold, more sunny days than not. Even as the morning softly moved into afternoon, the sun cast restful and calming rays along the floor. The tranquility of the air, however, was strongly juxtaposed by the heavy thump of Kerry’s crutch, the uneven gait of her movement keeping the sound from creating any sort of rhythm.

The loss of her mucus plug the day before had been an almost joyous event for Kerry, the sign of labor in the near future enough to lift her bedrest, and Kerry had celebrated by taking innumerable laps around her apartment, beginning her endeavor to  rebuild her strength . The celebration had continued into the next day, as Kerry rounded the corner near her closet and resumed her fourth lap in the hour. Her movements were shaky and slow; the additional thirty-six pounds she’d gained in pregnancy had already compromised her mobility before the strict six-week bed rest even had a chance to  destroy a good deal of her muscle mass. 

There was no doubting the fact that the baby had dropped overnight; a new, solid presence sat heavily in her hips, hindering her movements even more. The baby - her head, luckily - was incredibly low, which turned Kerry's walk even deeper into a penguin waddle, but her newfound freedom was too appreciated for her to resist and the uncomfortable weight in her pelvis kept her from sitting for any extended period of time.

Abby had long gotten dizzy trying to keep up with the redhead circling the room as she packed Kerry’s hospital bag. With labor imminent, they’d put a hold on their latest attempt at staving off bed rest boredom (a venture to purge the entirety of the house), returning the kitchen tools they’d been sorting to where they’d come from and instead focusing solely on the necessary requirements for when the baby would arrive. They’d also moved up the date for setting up the nursery with a small crew from the ER. They’d planned for the group to arrive on Wednesday but Kerry was (blindly) confident the baby would be born by then, and they’d rescheduled for Sunday, giving Abby and Kerry Saturday to pack the hospital bag.

“I’ll order a pizza tomorrow,” Kerry commented as she turned another shaky corner, making her way back toward where Abby stood beside the bed. “And I’ll pay you all for your time, of course.”

Abby rolled her eyes, folding the small peach-colored newborn outfit Kerry had picked out for the baby’s trip home. “Kerry, we’re helping because we want to. When are you going to stop offering to pay us?” She locked brief eye contact with the pregnant woman as she passed. “Would you please just shut up and say thank you?”

Kerry couldn’t help chuckling at that - she and Abby had lived together for over a month now, their comfort level growing beyond what Kerry would have ever expected with a coworker, let alone a med student. But reaching this level of comfort was expected and even guaranteed under the circumstances, as Abby had been there for everything the last few months: she’d helped her out of bed, she’d helped her after her showers, she held her hair back when her morning sickness returned in full force, she took the place of her physical therapist on her PT off days, she helped monitor the baby’s heartbeat, and she always extended her hand to feel the movements when the baby was active. She’d been Kerry’s - and by extension, Emma’s - rock, there was no denying it. And sometimes, Kerry was taken aback by the level of support she felt from the younger woman.

She swallowed her retort and instead made her way back toward the bed from where she’d taken a brief rest by the window. It was the strong desire to work her muscles and an eagerness to trigger labor that kept Kerry moving despite the difficulty. She was nearly thirty-eight weeks, Emma was officially full term and healthy as ever. Kerry’d had the occasional light cramp over the last few days but nothing she’d call early labor just yet, so in the meantime, she was taking advantage of every moment she could to exercise her body until she physically could not anymore. More than anything, she was worried that she would be deemed unfit for a natural childbirth, and the last thing she needed was a cesarean leaving her unable to properly care for her own child. As it was, it only took an extended period of walking laps around her bedroom, or even a walk to the kitchen and back, before exhaustion set in and her muscles gave out.

“Is it the same group?” Kerry asked, easing herself down onto the bed, allowing herself a break from what felt to her like a marathon. She sat heavily on the edge of the bed, rubbing and itching at the side of her stomach while she stretched her neck from side to side. What she could really use was a nice warm bath, but while it was still impossible for her to navigate getting into it by herself, she clung to the last of her pride and was unwilling to let anyone see her completely nude, though giving in and bathing in a swimsuit was looking better by the day.

“Everyone but Luka,” Abby noted with a tinge of frustration, folding the soft lounge shirt and sweatpant set she and Kerry had picked out for at least one of her postpartum outfits, unsure of how long Kerry would be staying at the hospital but both sure Kerry wouldn’t be comfortable in the hospital gown for very long. “It came down to either him or Carter and I guess John played the ‘I’ve known her longer’ card.” Abby’s eyes flashed up quickly to Kerry’s with as much amusement as she could muster. “At least you know you’re a hot commodity.”

“Or an exciting way to get the day off,” Kerry quipped back, relishing in her last few moments of stillness before rising back to her feet, lifting herself off the bed a struggle supported greatly by her crutch. Her right arm had weakened significantly throughout the weeks, even with the focused work she’d been sure her physical therapist included, but she could already tell the last twenty four hours of movement was doing wonders for her atrophied muscles.

She felt her stomach lightly cramp, but nothing nearly as stiff as she’d even call a Braxton Hicks. The little warning cramps, however, reassured her that she was doing exactly what she should, and she began moving again toward the other side of the room. 

The bedroom was filled with a few more moments of focused silence until Abby spoke again.

“I know that it’s probably… changed a lot…” She began carefully, looking in Kerry’s direction and leaning her thighs forward against the bed. “But… did you and Sandy decide on any sort of a birth plan?” The question stopped Kerry in her (glacially slow) tracks, turning toward the younger woman. “I mean… did you have anything planned?”

“No.” Kerry said quicker than she’d even realized she’d processed the question. “I guess we spent so much time worrying about what could go wrong that we never took the time to make any plans.” 

There had been so many worse-case scenarios they imagined. Just not the one that came to be.

Besides, Kerry hadn’t intended to give much thought to creating any sort of “birth plan”; she knew how unpredictable childbirth was and didn’t see much use in trying to plan for anything. 

“Like, pain meds, who you want in the room, stuff like that.” Abby sat on the bed, packing some toiletries and the last of the baby stuff into small travel bags before placing them inside the hospital bag.

“No epidural.” Kerry said determinedly from across the room. Abby’s eyebrows raised in surprise.

“Really?” She was instantly dreading the task of handling a non-medicated Kerry through labor and childbirth.

“No, no epidural.” Kerry stated again, turning to make her way back across the room. “I want to be able to get up and move and I want to feel my hip, I don’t want to go in to have a baby and end up with a dislocated hip because a well intentioned but misinformed OB nurse decided to hike my legs back.” She said with a bite, speaking from a place of experience with a history of well intentioned but misinformed doctors and nurses throughout her lifetime, misjudging her range of motion during exams and appointments. The caution was drilled into her and was certainly one of the reasons she was so thorough and careful with her own patients. “And,” she continued. “I have experienced labor about as real as it gets. I got through it… and now that I know what to expect, it will be that much easier.” She wasn’t sure why she felt as if she needed to convince Abby of her decision but she was grateful when she was met with no resistance. 

Abby hadn’t considered Kerry’s hip in the equation and knew better to fight with her on it. If Kerry wanted an unmedicated childbirth… Who was she to argue? If there was anyone who could handle it, it was the redhead standing in front of her.

“And who do you want in the room?” Abby asked as she rearranged the contents in the bag to make room for the soft pink swaddling blanket that had been hidden under the bag when she’d packed it the first time. Abby didn’t want to assume anything without hearing from Kerry what she wanted, but was fairly sure she’d be there to witness Emma’s birth. 

“I called Elizabeth yesterday and asked her to be my coach.” 

Abby’s movements stilled, her eyebrows scrunching together as she tried to swallow her surprise. “Elizabeth?”

Kerry nodded, finding herself in front of the chair positioned in the corner of the room and dropping heavily into it despite her best efforts for controlled movement. She took a few deep breaths - relishing in the ability to now do so with the baby lower and away from her diaphragm. “She offered the last time she was here, seeing as I never made it to a birthing class. And she was so helpful back in August I figured she’d be a good choice.”

Abby was surprised to find herself a little hurt, a twinge of jealousy for the English doctor percolating in her stomach. She’d been beside Kerry for the last eight weeks of this pregnancy, not to mention every moment she’d been privy to when Sandy was still alive. Besides, she was a damn OB nurse before Kerry forcibly dragged her down to the ER. While Abby tried to respect Kerry’s choice, she couldn’t help growing slightly bitter.

Kerry noticed Abby get quiet, zipping the bag closed and rising off the bed to bring it to the living room. She continued to watch her when she returned, her eyes following the med student as she traced her footsteps from their packing expedition, closing all the drawers they’d left open and refolding the newborn clothing they had pulled as options that Kerry had ultimately decided against. 

“I am hoping you’ll be there too.” Kerry said finally, breaking the silence they’d found themselves sitting in. Abby, with her back to Kerry, tried with great difficulty to bite back the smile that enveloped her face. “I thought that was just a given.”

Abby nodded, momentarily overwhelmed by the relief she felt. She was caught off guard by the rollercoaster of emotions she’d felt in the last five minutes, and how it confirmed how deeply invested she had become in Kerry’s life. How much she had come to truly care about her, and how much she already loved that baby.

“And because you will be there,” Kerry continued, pushing herself back onto her feet for what would probably be her last lap of the hour, her legs already beginning to subtly shake under the strain of the overuse. “I am enlisting you to be the one to be sure that short of a medical emergency in which either the baby or myself would otherwise  _ die _ , they are under no circumstances allowed to give me a cesarean.” Kerry pointed a finger in Abby’s direction to drill down her point, the younger woman turning to face her just in time to receive the gesture. “Janet has been trying to encourage me to opt for a c-section for months. I understand that in some cases it may be safer than vaginal delivery for older mothers,” she had long ago abandoned the term ‘geriatric’. “But Janet’s only logical argument was that the baby would be too big, but she’ll likely be early so there goes her case.”

“Why are you so adamant against having a cesarean?” Abby asked gently, crossing her arms and leaning against the wall behind her, staying out of Kerry’s way. “I mean, I know it’s not the most pleasant recovery process in the world but-”

“That’s it.” Kerry stopped her before she could make excuses for the procedure. “Abby, I am going to be a single parent. I appreciate what you, and Susan, and even Elizabeth have done for me, I really do. But at the end of the day… I am this baby’s entire family. I cannot afford an optional procedure. If I am restricted in taking care of her, of even  _ lifting _ her, for even a few weeks? It would be different if Sandy was still here. But the way it is… I cannot be hindered in yet  _ another _ way.”

The real fear behind Kerry’s decision snuck in gently at the end of her passionate argument and she resumed her trek across the room, beelining right for the bathroom when one gentle shift from the baby put an incredible pressure on her bladder.  _ Not the most dignified way to punctuate an argument,  _ she thought, shutting the door behind her before moving to the toilet as quickly as she could.

“Alright,” Abby called through the closed door. “No c-section. Got it.” She pulled down the sheets on Kerry’s bed, practically reading Kerry’s mind. She’d noticed the steady decline in her strength and knew she’d be ready for a nap. Kerry had been working so furiously at rebuilding her strength, but they both knew it could be months before she rebuilt back to where she had been. 

And in the meantime, Kerry’s dignity suffered the consequences, like in moments such as this particular one, as Kerry called out to Abby upon completing her task in the bathroom. Abby entered swiftly and offered both hands, grabbing Kerry’s arms steadily at the elbows, and helped Kerry rise off of the toilet that was positioned at just the right angle that made rising independently off of it, even with the accessibility bars installed at its side, completely impossible at this point in her pregnancy. Abby knew it was a swift kick to any sort of pride Kerry had been clinging to and never spoke or even looked at the woman when she helped her. It was the inferred understanding that made the two of them work so well. 

Abby swiftly left the bathroom, collecting all of the baby clothes to bring back into the nursery.

“Are you sure we have everything you want for the hospital bag?” Abby said over her shoulder before quickly moving across the hallway to lay the pile of clothes on top of the dresser, reasoning that they’d be properly put away the next day when the whole group was there setting up the room.

“Did we pack slippers?” Kerry asked as she came out of the bathroom. Abby moved to her side and helped her get situated in bed. She wasn’t ready to lay down just yet but Abby helped arrange the pillows around her - a task that was completely unnecessary but very appreciated as Kerry reclined into them.

“We didn’t - do you want those ones? I can just grab them the day of.” Abby pointed to the slippers Kerry wore on most days but Kerry shook her head.

“We won’t remember and I don’t want to pack them away now. I think I have another pair in the closet, do you mind looking for me? They should be on the floor to the left.” 

Abby moved wordlessly to the closet, opening the door and crouching down, moving the hanging dress pants and the few dresses to the side to peer on the floor. Spotting a plastic bag in the location Kerry had mentioned, Abby pulled it up and held it above her head. “These them?”

Kerry looked at the plastic bag, trying to place what she had stowed away in the back of the closet. When she didn’t answer, Abby took a closer look at the contents of the bag and corrected herself. “Wait these aren’t slippers. It’s a pair of sweatpants.”

Kerry’s eyebrows scrunched and she held her hand out toward Abby, silently requesting she bring them closer. Abby rose to her feet and crossed to Kerry, handing her the plastic bag and moving back toward the closet to continue her search.

Reaching into the bag, Kerry pulled out the grey sweatpants and examined them. There was a strange familiarity to them, despite the tags that indicated they were brand new. 

And then it hit her. She knew these sweatpants well. They were her favorite pair, the ones she had spent endless hours studying in, the ones she spent most cold Chicago winter nights in, the ones that… the ones that she had been wearing when she began her last miscarriage.

Sandy had found a replacement pair, though how… Kerry could not begin to fathom. She had bought them a decade or two before… though perhaps the popularity of the brand helped, but even then, to find the same style, the same fit. Kerry’s breath caught in her throat as she blinked back tears. Even when she was no longer on this earth, Sandy was still capable of stopping Kerry in her tracks.

How she missed her.

“Are these them?” Abby’s voice pulled Kerry’s mind back into the room and Kerry looked quickly in her direction, nodding tightly at the dark blue slippers Abby held up before neatly folding the sweatpants on her lap. It would likely be a while before Kerry fit back into her pre-pregnancy clothes, even the sweatpants (which Sandy probably knew and was trying to be sensitive to by hiding the new pair from her).

Kerry handed the folded sweats for Abby to place in her dresser and Abby pretended not to notice the tear stains that were now tracking down Kerry’s cheeks. She knew that Kerry went through heavy and intense moments of grief on most days, but if she wanted to talk about it, she would. Instead, they made small talk, double checking the content of the hospital bag from memory, affirming the time the group of coworkers (and  _ friends _ , as Abby reminded her) would be arriving the next day, but Abby couldn’t help take note of how distracted Kerry had suddenly become and was close to asking her about it when Kerry shifted the conversation.

“There’s something I need to ask you.”

Abby stood up straighter, her head cocked to the side.

“You want me to make sure Carter doesn’t sneak his way into your delivery room?” Abby chuckled to herself; they’d talked at length about the way Carter had been hurt by being kicked out of her exam room during her preterm labor scare, and the way he’d brought up being kicked out during the birth of Carol’s twins.

“No, that’s not it.” Kerry dismissed the joke, her tone stoic and serious. “If something were to happen during the birth… I’d need someone to look after Emma.”

“Nothings going to happen-”

“But if it does.”

“Kerry.”

“I’m not going to sit here and pretend there aren’t risks. I’m forty-three. There is an extensive list of things that could go wrong.” Kerry waited half a beat, but when Abby didn’t seem convinced, she continued. “Placenta previa, eclampsia, CPD, I could bleed out, hell I could just have a heart attack-”

“Kerry,  _ stop _ .” Abby tried to keep it off of her face but with every worry spoken out loud into the room, Abby could feel her chest tightening. She didn’t need Kerry to list out all of the potential complications. There were not many days that went by that Abby did not think about them, that she didn’t worry about how Kerry’s labor and birth would go. “Nothing is going to happen.”

“Would you be Emma’s legal guardian?” Kerry asked. Her eyes searched Abby’s face, which seemed to go through a few different emotions before she quickly regained control, biting at her lip. “I just need to know that she’d be okay.”

“Kerry…” Abby began, shifting nervously from foot to foot. “Are you sure… that I’m the best one for the job?”

“This baby doesn’t have anyone else in this world.” Kerry shook her head, the weight of her words tugging at her chest. “Except for you.”

Kerry could feel the emotion creeping into her voice, but she had been so nervous to ask Abby this particular question that to finally pose it into the room simultaneously took a weight off of her shoulders and threatened to push her over the edge as she waited for Abby’s response.

Overwhelmed was an understatement for how Abby was feeling in that moment. She’d just started med school again, she was barely supporting herself on what she made when she was still taking nursing shifts (which she had recently had to step away from until Kerry delivered, due to the additional demands of her med student schedule)… to bring a baby into the equation seemed like more than she could handle.

But it wasn’t just any baby. It was Emma.

And she already knew there was not much she wouldn’t do for that child.

“Is this even possible to do now?” Abby said suddenly. “Isn’t there something I need to do, sign a legal thing or something?”

“In the top drawer,” Kerry pointed to her dresser, instructing Abby to investigate. Abby complied, and before long discovered an envelope tucked underneath a pair of Kerry’s maternity pajamas. “I had them drawn up a few weeks ago. Susan brought them to me.” Kerry watched as Abby examined the white envelope like the answer to all her questions was written on it. 

“You know… sometimes it’s hard being alone.” Kerry began. Abby lifted her head from the envelope, her hazel eyes locking intensely with Kerry’s green ones. “But you have never let me feel truly alone. You have always been there. Even before Sandy… before Sandy was gone. I always felt I could depend on you.”

Abby held the envelope tightly in her hands, running her thumb nervously up and down the front of it, her eyes never leaving Kerry’s.

There was nothing she wouldn’t do for that baby. 

And there was nothing she wouldn’t do for Kerry.

“You can.”

Kerry released a slow breath, the knowledge that Emma would be safe and taken care of, that she would have a place to call home and someone who loved her, flooded her entire body. Emma even squirmed in that moment, as if she understood that she was the topic of conversation. There were so many things Kerry wanted to say to Abby, so many things she wanted to thank her for, but the expanse of her gratitude was so gargantuan that it was hard to put into words. Instead, she took another deep breath in and released it slowly. She whispered the only word that she could muster, the only word that was able to work its way out of her overwhelmed brain.

“Thanks.”

  
  
  


Kerry sat in the rocking chair in the nursery, assembling the mobile for over the crib that had arrived in the mail that morning. It had been back ordered when they sent their order for the crib and having it arrive the morning that everyone was coming over to finish the nursery seemed like a little bit of luck from the universe, the smallest peace offering from the fates for the world of hell they had put her through for the last... two years. At least, that is how Kerry chose to embrace it, opting to try to find any source of lightness she could find these days.

In that same vein, she chose to look back on her preterm labor scare with the same filter, trying to lift any positivity she could from the traumatic event. She worked diligently during her six weeks of bed rest to reframe the experience in her mind, choosing to view it as a practice run, preparing her. Kerry knew now that she could survive the pain of labor - even when magnified tenfold by the sheer panic she had felt - and it brought her a sense of security and focus when it came to the real thing.

She hoped the peace offering from the universe would follow her, at least for her next hurdle, which she could feel looming on the horizon. The light cramping she felt hadn’t particularly gotten more intense yet, but it was slowly becoming more frequent. She could feel the cramping the hardest in her lower back, which was only relieved by getting up and walking, which in turn aggravated her hips and her pelvis. But, if she truly was honest with herself, there wasn’t much that didn’t hurt these days, and she repeated silently to herself that it would be over soon.

She was only one day from hitting her goal of thirty-eight weeks. Perhaps she could see her impending labor as another peace offering; she’d reach her goal but not have to go much longer, the baby would be safe and healthy and Kerry would not need to experience life in a forty week pregnant body, when she knew the last few weeks were when the baby plumped up, gaining weight (and gaining size) that Kerry truly couldn’t afford.

As it was, Emma had measured about seven pounds at her thirty-seven week appointment. Kerry had been so concerned about her being a tiny preemie, it seemed Emma had taken her worries and perhaps overcompensated. Kerry wasn’t sure how much more weight her arm could support and, had she not worked so hard throughout her bed rest to keep up her strength particularly in her right arm, would have been surprised that she’d been able to handle the additional weight. Even now when her legs would give out if she were to take another walk around the apartment, she had light weights nearby that she would lift. Kerry was taking rebuilding her strength very seriously, unwilling to settle for the results of circumstance.

She knew she had a long road ahead of her, her postpartum body would be far from what it once was, and in her forties, she knew it was unlikely she’d ‘bounce back’ in the way she’d heard so many talk about throughout her life. She’d gained about thirty-six pounds, and her pelvic bones had shifted, throwing off her hip even more. She tried to tell herself that she’d worry about it when she got there, assess her mobility again post-belly, but she couldn’t help the MD voice in the back of her head that was threatening a hip replacement, something she’d been putting off for years. Somehow she had not considered that pregnancy might speed up her need for one.

But it was truly the very last thing she needed to think about now, she reminded herself as she snapped the last piece of the mobile into place and held it up, lightly pushing one of the small hanging planets and watching as it spun slowly. They had debated between planets and animals, but Sandy had liked the planets. She’d insisted that it would make Emma an explorer.

“That’s cute,” Abby remarked upon reentering the nursery, the grocery bag of diapers and diaper wipes she’d gone out to buy that morning making a heavy ‘thud’ on the ground where she tossed it in the corner of the room.

“Sandy picked it out.” The corners of Kerry’s lips turned upward as continued to watch the rotating planets, momentarily feeling the soothing effect of the mobile. The calm that seeped over her was quickly interrupted by the sound of the buzzer, followed by Stinky’s barking, indicating that their assembly crew had arrived. Abby went to move toward the door but Kerry leaned over and set the mobile on the floor, then held her hands out to Abby to help her up. “Let me get it.” She instructed, Abby helping hoist her to her feet and handing her her crutch. “Any opportunity to encourage this one that her time is up.”

There was no doubt that the baby’s time to arrive was getting closer, the feeling of her head weighing heavily deep in her pelvis told Kerry that she was engaged right above her cervix, exactly where she needed to be. With every step, Kerry hoped it would be encouraging enough to get the show on the road.

Kerry buzzed them in, taking the time while she waited for them to arrive at her door to take another lap around the living room, though she barely got one in before they were knocking at the door.

Stinky bound into the room, barking loudly at the door until Kerry shushed him. “Stinky, bed.”

They (and by ‘they’ Kerry knew very well that it had been mostly Susan) had worked diligently on redirecting Stinky’s barking upon the arrival of a guest, and while he still enjoyed vocalizing a new presence, he very diligently moved to his bed upon command. 

Kerry pulled the door open to reveal Susan and Carter, whose arms were full of gifts, donuts, and coffee.

“Why didn’t you use your key?” Kerry asked Susan, stepping back and letting them in.

“With what hand?” Susan said with a huff, dumping her arm full of wrapped gifts onto the couch before going back into the hallway.

“Kerry!” Carter said, taking a step back to get a full look at her. “You’re huge!”

Kerry took half a beat to swallow her annoyance as a smile engulfed the younger doctor’s face. “Thanks, Carter.”

“No, no I mean you look great, you do!” He moved further into the living room and set down the jug of coffee and donuts he’d brought. “I just haven’t seen you in a while, you- you’ve like, doubled!”

“Okay, Carter,” Susan cut him off as she reentered the apartment, laughing as he seemed to dig himself deeper. She pushed a sleek black stroller in front of her before turning to swing the door shut. 

Kerry turned at the sound of Susan’s voice, her eyebrows coming together as she tried to recognize the stroller or remember purchasing one anywhere. “This is from the nurses, they pooled their money to get it. Malik said something about the handle grip, he said they found one that was easy to steer with one hand.” Susan modeled the dexterity of the stroller, using her left hand to turn it back and forth.

Kerry moved closer, momentarily rendered speechless by the thoughtfulness of the gift.

“And, I tried to stop him,” Susan began, reaching into the stroller and pulling out a white onesie before handing it to Kerry, revealing a printed picture on the front. It was a picture of Jerry, with the words ‘I love my Uncle Jerry’ written above it in a purple font.

“Oh my god…” Kerry couldn’t help chuckling as she brought the onesie closer, examining the picture that she was sure had been taken at the admit desk.

“Randi sent some ‘Randi-wear,’ which I remember her dressing Little Suzie in on occasion. Not entirely useful, but it sure is cute.” Susan handed Kerry a miniature leather jacket as well as what looked like 0-3 sized “skinny jeans” that clasped all the way up the inseam. Susan then gestured toward the gifts on the couch. “And all of that Anspaugh says is from the board, from department heads, from pretty much anyone who wanted to-”

“Suck up to the boss?” Kerry finished her statement for her, moving to the couch to sit beside the packages and get a closer look at the names on the tags.

“I was gonna say ‘kiss your ass’ but yeah, suck up works too.” Susan moved to Stinky, who was still loyally laying in his bed, and leaned down to give him a proper scratch behind his ears. 

Kerry took a few more seconds to look at the packages, then returned the one in her hand to the pile. She added opening them to her mental list of chores to accomplish that day, hoping she could enlist one of the others to take note of who sent what gift so she could write adequate thank you letters, emphasizing that the gift was unnecessary but ensuring she sounded grateful.

“I appreciate you two coming today, there isn’t too much left to do. Abby has been working pretty hard for the last few weeks.” Kerry began, moving to try to rise off of the couch but finding the couch too low. She tried to hoist herself up about three more times before Carter moved quickly in front of her, offering his hands to help her stand. Abby watched with quiet surprise from her position in the hallway when Kerry accepted the assistance without huffing about it. 

“I left the crib for last,” Abby started, moving directly to the jug of coffee, lifting it to bring into the kitchen. “Other than that we just need to finish emptying the dresser that’s in there now and finish putting away all the clothes and extra supplies.” She grabbed a donut, taking a bite and speaking around it as she finished listing their duties. “And Kerry still has to decide where she wants the dresser; I have an attachment for the top that will convert it into a changing table, but we need to secure it to the wall first.”

Abby had entered and left in such a whirlwind of determination and motivation that the remaining three were left amused, exchanging glances.

“At least one of us has the energy for this,” Kerry muttered through a small smile, moving with as much enthusiasm as she could muster in the direction of the nursery.

  
  
  


Carter was in the middle of updating Kerry on the state the ER had been in since her departure, including how Pratt and Chen were doing since their recent car accident, when Abby interrupted him.

“Carter, pass me 3b,” Abby instructed, looking at the step by step instructions in front of her with her hand held out toward her building partner. Carter looked amongst the pile of parts on the floor in front of him, pausing his digest only long enough to hand Abby the long crib drop rail.

“And Neela is working across the street now, at-”

“Who?” Kerry stopped him.

“Neela.” He repeated, though Kerry still shrugged. “Wow, you have been gone a while. She’s a med student. She was a med student. Now she works at the Jumbo Mart.”

“Carter, this is 8b.” Abby frustratedly shoved the bar back at him. She had all but put the crib together herself as Carter got lost in his recount of the last few months in the ER. Carter shuffled quickly again through the pile of parts on the floor while Abby tried to bite back her frustration. Eventually, her patience wore thin and she crawled forward on her hands and knees to sift through the pile herself. “Did you ever think 3b might look like 3a that you gave me two seconds ago?” 

“If it’s so easy, why do we need to go step by step!” His own frustration came out in a disguised laugh, dramatically backing out of her way. “Why don’t we just use our  _ Doctor brains  _ and put it together, we’d get it done in half the time.”

“We’d get it done in half the time if you would  _ help _ ,” Abby snipped, finding the piece she was looking for and moving back to her spot on the floor in front of the spread out instructions.

“Hey, children, cool it.” Susan instructed from where she was screwing the anchors into the wall for the dresser. Kerry watched the group with a bemused grin, folding a stack of burp cloths and tucking them between her body and the arm of the rocking chair. Even with Abby and Carter’s now strained relationship, Kerry couldn’t help but admire the community she had found, her own little village. She’d never had a close group of friends before - close friends, sure, but they were all separate, one on one friendships that she nurtured and valued (and held at a distance, she realized as she got older). This was different, the way they had circled around her - even a good amount of the rest of the ER staff, in their own way - it was a whole new world for Kerry. And she was finally starting to appreciate it for what it was.

“ _ Anyway _ ,” Carter said dramatically, continuing post argument. “With Chen, Pratt, Neela, and now Abby out of the ER, it’s been a little chaotic lately, to say the least.”

“Yeah, speaking of that, Abby are you sure you can’t pick up any shifts?” Susan said somewhat rhetorically, attempting to mask the desperation in her voice. Losing Abby as nurse manager upon her return to med school had been hard enough, but when Abby realized the addition of her new rotations and workloads meant she’d never be home with Kerry, she had stopped taking nursing shifts and Susan had about had a coronary.

“I can probably start taking shifts again in about,” Abby looked pointedly to Kerry with an excited smile. “What would you say, two days?”

“Give or take.” Kerry took a break from folding, placing both hands on her stomach and pressing into the floor with her right foot to rock the chair gently back and forth.

“That close, huh?” Carter’s eyes brightened as he turned to look at Kerry.

“That close.” She nodded.

“Should we call Elizabeth and tell her instead of coming here after her shift to just stay at the hospital and we’ll meet her there?” Susan offered with a laugh.

“No,” Kerry corrected her quickly, shaking her head though the smile never left her face. “I don’t want to jinx anything.” Even just the comment made in jest that she could have her baby in her arms by the end of the night simultaneously excited and frightened Kerry, a whole plethora of emotions she’d been pushing aside for weeks momentarily causing turmoil within her chest.

The group fell back into a comfortable silence, the only words spoken were agitated, brief ones exchanged between Abby and Carter, followed swiftly by another reprimand from Susan, reminding them that they were there to help Kerry and not stress her out. Kerry finished her folding - the only task they’d allowed her to participate in when she refused to go into her bedroom and lay down or take a nap - and resumed watching the group work. 

“How is Romano adjusting…” Kerry’s voice faded out as she tried to choose her words carefully. “To everything?” It had been a few weeks since Romano had taken the plunge and gotten his injured arm amputated but aside from sending him a cordial ‘get well’ card in the mail, she hadn’t had any communication with him (nor had anyone been keen to bring him up while they were trying to encourage Kerry to relax).

“He’s a tyrant. He’s what you would expect.” Carter began, taking the instruction sheet from in front of Abby and moving it closer to his side of the crib, looking at it for the first time.

“He’s angry, more than anything.” Susan added, Kerry looking up at the sympathy laced in the blonde’s voice. “I mean… it’s the man’s livelihood, snatched from him.”

Kerry nodded - though her situation was only temporary, she certainly understood the impulse to be angry at something so out of your control and she understood the tragedy of the surgeon’s career ending before it should have, no matter their own interpersonal disagreements. She wondered if he had the same sort of village surrounding him right now.

“When was the last time you saw him?” Carter asked over his shoulder as he tried to forcibly jam two pieces together that obviously were not meant to connect before Abby took one from him and replaced it with the correct part.

“God,” Kerry tried to remember the last time she’d even been at the hospital. Romano had kept his distance for a good amount of her time as Chief of Staff. “It must have been the banquet. But across the room, we never spoke.” It had been a highlight of the night, she remembered. 

“Oh! That’s right.” Carter rose off the ground suddenly, stepping carefully over the remaining sections of crib on the floor and bounding into the living room. The women exchanged confused glances briefly but he returned as quickly as he left with a small paper envelope he flipped open as he walked in. “I have the photos from the banquet,” he said excitedly, starting to pull them out and flip through them before his eyes went wide and he stopped, momentarily unsure what to say or do to pull himself out of the hole he had just dug himself into. “I mean… if you want to see them.”

Kerry looked at the stack of photos in his hand. She knew for sure that there were photos of Sandy in that stack; surely that was what John had just realized, what had rendered him momentarily speechless. She’d be pictured in her green halter dress, her hair - the curls that Kerry loved - cascading softly down her back. That was the night they found out the gender of their baby, the night Kerry finally got to show her wife off to a room of her coworkers and employees. It had been exactly the kind of night they had needed. It had been perfect.

Abby and Susan exchanged glances as Kerry seemed to lose herself in the memories, unsure what direction their day would go in from here. There were days that Kerry would talk about Sandy freely and happily, telling stories or even just mentioning how Sandy would feel about what they were talking about or the show they were watching. But there were other days that the mention of Sandy would send Kerry down a spiral and they’d be unable to reel her back. The later in her pregnancy she got, the harder it was to foresee what sort of day it would be, as her hormones and mounting exhaustion worked together to render Kerry virtually unpredictable. 

Kerry reached for the photos silently, and Carter released a tense breath as he handed them over. The group slowly returned to their work, Abby and Carter rising off the floor and enlisting the help of Susan to attach the stationary rail to the headboard, as Kerry slowly flipped through the newly developed photos. There were several of various pairs dancing on the dance floor, quite a few out of focus photos of the back of peoples’ heads, and group photos of every table. She smiled at the photo of Jerry and Randi dancing enthusiastically, whoever the photographer had been had caught them at the perfect moment as Jerry dipped Randi back, her long black hair caught in motion. As she started to flip to the next photo, a green dress just over Jerry’s shoulder caught her eye and she brought the photo closer.

And there she was. Her wife, whose face was lit with her breathtaking smile, sitting beside her with their hands interlaced on the table, watching the couples dance.

Sandy had looked so beautiful that night. 

She looked beautiful every night, but that night in particular she had been beaming. She had been so excited about the news of their impending daughter and for the first time she had felt like Kerry was truly allowing her into her world. Not only allowing her into her world, but allowing her in with pride. Kerry was proud of their family. She was proud of her wife.

She was still proud of her wife.

Susan was screwing in the third screw to secure the headboard to the side rail when she noticed a sharp movement from Kerry out of the corner of her eye. She stopped her work immediately and turned in the older woman’s direction. “You okay, Kerry?”

Kerry’s eyes were shut, not tightly, but the line between her eyebrows was defined, indicating some level of pain, be it emotional or physical. She had lowered the photos and was slightly curled around her stomach. Both of the other heads in the room turned toward her in a flash and Abby whacked Carter on the shoulder.

“I can’t believe you brought those photos.” She scolded him, his eyes wide.

“No, it’s not that,” Kerry corrected her, her voice tight in her throat. “Contraction.” Her uterus tensed roughly, but it still wasn’t painful, just thoroughly uncomfortable. With her eyes closed, she blindly handed the photos out toward anyone who would grab them. As soon as Carter took them from her she held both hands out. “I need to walk, someone help me up.” She instructed, quickly feeling Susan’s hands grab her wrists, helping her to her feet. Kerry swayed her hips from side to side subtly, her hands still in Susan’s, as Abby grabbed her crutch. Kerry threaded her arm through it and secured the clasp around her arm before moving very slowly out of the nursery.

“Are you good? Do you want me to come with you?” Abby asked, watching as Kerry moved into the hallway. Kerry tore her free hand off of her still contracting stomach just long enough to wave her off.

“I’m just going to do a lap or two, I’ll be fine.” Kerry assured her, the pressure in her abdomen not letting up, the tightness in her back starting to feel warm as the pressure built. Stinky was still sleeping in his bed but sat up at the sound of the heavy tap of her crutch moving down the hallway. Kerry thought he’d rise to follow her around the room like he did on occasion but instead he stayed in bed, watching her intently as she walked off the contraction.

“Hold it straight.” She could hear Abby frustratedly gruff at Carter even from down the hall.

“I  _ am _ holding it straight.” He replied back quickly. Kerry couldn’t help chuckling at them, especially when Susan retorted with more scolding. Kerry made it around the couch and back toward the front door when she felt something shift. There was a heavy movement within her body that she couldn’t quite put a name to, but it surprised her enough to stop her where she was, putting her free hand to her belly. She was standing in the middle of the hall, her eyebrows scrunched together while she tried to assess what was happening within her when she heard it - an audible ‘pop’ followed by a strong flow of liquid down her pant legs, pooling on her hardwood floors below.

“Abby.” She called out, her voice a deliberately even tone. She didn’t dare move, though it was more for the sake of her hardwood than anything else. She could still hear them bickering in the nursery. “Abby.” She tried again, feeling as the flow of her waters slowed to a trickle.

“I told you it was crooked, look at this!”

“That wasn’t me, your hand slipped when the screw locked in!”

“Abby!” She finally hollered. She heard their voices stop, followed by the sound of them navigating how to set the half-constructed crib down, before the sound of footsteps grew closer and soon all three had emerged from the nursery. Kerry knew she didn’t need to explain, that the image of her soaked pants, standing in a puddle of fluid would tell the story she’d need it to.

“Oh my God!” Carter exclaimed. Abby came up to Kerry’s side, offering her hand but Kerry shook it off.

“A towel first.” She instructed, watching Susan take the initiative and head toward the ensuite linen closet. Abby moved forward again and gently took a hold of Kerry’s arm, providing just enough support for both of them to be confident that she wouldn’t slip. Carter seemed to be thrown off by the lack of initiative, his eyes wide darting between the two women.

“Shouldn’t we be heading downstairs? We can take my jeep, I’ll just get it cleaned.” He offered enthusiastically, the energy of his excitement filling the room a little faster than Kerry preferred.

“No.” She shook her head, shifting her weight entirely onto her right foot, though the sopping wetness in her shoe was more uncomfortable than she anticipated. “Contractions are still hours apart. I’m negative for group B strep, I’m not leaving here until my contractions are closer.”

She and Abby had had the conversation when the cramping hadn’t progressed to full labor for the three days she’d been feeling it. They’d spoken about PROM and what Kerry would want to do if her water broke before active labor. Kerry preferred the natural route in most cases and knew if she went to the hospital before reaching active labor, they would induce her and potentially bring on a whole new list of concerns. Instead, with her healthy, full term baby, she’d labor at home as long as she could.

Kerry glanced around at the three other faces in the room, ensuring that they all had heard her and would not be arguing with her over her decision. When they each nodded their heads in acceptance, Kerry let out a slow breath. She knew it was the start of what could be a long, long day, but surrounded by a former OB nurse and two ER doctors, Kerry knew she could not be in better hands until she was ready to go to the hospital. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have never been so excited about the birth of a fictional baby.
> 
> This chapter was at once so fun and so complex to write. Trying to work in the details about what Kerry has been missing at the hospital got a little complicated, as I was trying to figure out where in the timeline we were, who was around, and whose arcs would have progressed like canon and whose (like Carter's) was entirely different. The only thing I knew for sure was that I needed to mention Neela at least once before this fic was over, so I am glad I was able to do that, even briefly.
> 
> I have the post schedule for the last three chapters planned, which hopefully will keep me on track with no more nearly three-week breaks between chapters. Which means we will be wrapping this fic up pretty soon. I, for one, am having a lot of feelings about it.
> 
> One last thing: I want to emphasize that Kerry's feelings about getting a cesarean are complicated and layered and are in no way reflective of my own opinions. Safe is best! Birthing people who have cesareans are rock stars. Our Kerry is just having a difficult time trying to keep control over a very uncontrollable situation.


	28. Familial Resemblance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Moderately Graphic Description of Childbirth**

The nursery was nearing completion: the crib was built and secure, the cream colored crib sheets pulled taught over the mattress. The dresser Sandy had so meticulously painted was now secured to the wall, the changing-table top addition matching the light pink color of the knobs perfectly. Carter was hanging the mobile above the crib while Susan emptied out the dresser of all non-baby related items to make room for the plethora of new blankets and clothes that Kerry had been gifted.

Kerry and Abby, on the other hand, were occupied in the bedroom. She’d continued to help in the nursery for about an hour after her water broke, and they’d opened and taken note of all the gifts Susan had brought by, but as her contractions came more frequently, she became more and more self conscious and eventually shut herself in her bedroom. Abby had tried to give her space, but it wasn’t long before Kerry was calling out to her. Susan assured her that she’d keep Carter on task, that they could take the set up from there, and soon Abby resumed her spot at Kerry's side.

Kerry was laying on her side on the bed, Abby digging her knuckles into Kerry’s lower back while she worked through another contraction. The contractions had been significantly more intense than any she’d experienced before, now that the amniotic sac was no longer intact to act as a cushion, but when the contraction passed, Kerry released a breath, pushing herself up off of her side into a seated position - squirming as she was still getting used to the thick pad she had put on when she’d changed out of her soaked pants - and brought her hand up to her head to push away the hair that had fallen in her face.

“They’re still not too bad,” she remarked, feeling Abby’s hands pull away to check the time on her watch.

“About a minute long, but still thirty minutes apart.” It was nearing three hours since her water had broken, her contractions plateauing at thirty minutes apart for almost two hours. While Kerry was still confidently powering through, Abby was fighting hard against the anxieties that were reemerging in the back of her head. They were diligent in checking the baby’s heart rate, which was steady and strong, and Kerry reported just as much movement from her as usual. But it was Abby, who had assisted in countless births but never one so close to her, who was struggling to keep her own heart rate steady.

Stinky, in his own right, was having difficulty watching Kerry in so much pain. He’d followed her into the bedroom and watched attentively from his bed in the corner, whining faintly as the anxieties he could feel wafting off of Abby kept him from his normal day-long nap.

There was a knock on the door, and at Kerry’s approval, Carter stuck his head in. 

“Hey, the dresser is almost all ready to go, but what did you want to do with all the sweaters from the bottom drawer?” He stepped forward a little more to reveal that his arms held a stack of winter sweaters and sweatshirts. “The blankets filled it up pretty quick, there’s not much room left for these.”

“Oh,” Kerry fussed with her hair and wiped the thin layer of sweat off of her forehead as she looked at the sweaters. They were mostly Sandy’s, she knew, that Sandy had moved out of their own dresser to make room for the plethora of maternity clothes Kerry had accumulated throughout the months. They hadn’t needed the additional layers anyway as the months got progressively warmer the further they ventured into summer and Sandy had grumbled that they were running out of storage space. If only she could see the nursery now, Kerry thought with a small smile. “Just bring them in here. I’ll take a look at them.” She patted the bed beside her and Carter deposited the stack as neatly as he could on the bed without it tipping over.

“Can I grab you anything?” He asked, stopping himself as he reached the doorway. “Water, a snack?”

Kerry smiled at the gesture, truly considering if she felt the desire for anything before shaking her head. “No, thank you John. I’m alright.”

John nodded, then turned to look at the woman beside her. “Abby? Anything for you?”

Abby shook her head as well. “I’m good. Thanks.”

Carter smiled slightly before leaving, shutting the door quietly behind himself.

“I know that you two are having a difficult time getting along,” Kerry began, picking up the first sweater in the stack to her right. “But he  _ is _ trying.”

Abby stifled a groan - she knew Kerry was right, but that didn’t stop her from still finding Carter grating these days. They’d get back to the friendship they had eventually, she hoped. But for now, some distance would do them good. Abby deflected the topic off of herself and Carter. “You really should have something to eat.” Kerry was far enough off from delivering, Abby predicted, that eating now would not interfere if later on anesthesia and a cesarean section became part of the evening’s activities.

Kerry held up the sweater over herself, letting it drape over her belly, and turned slightly in Abby’s direction. “Not really my color, is it?”

They could out-deflect each other until the end of time.

The nurse assessed the light beige knit sweater. “It washes you out. And considering how flushed your face is right now, that’s impressive.”

Kerry chuckled, lifting the sweater back into her hands and holding it in front of her, letting her fingers explore the soft material. “It was Sandy’s. I’m never going to wear it… but I can’t bring myself to get rid of it. I have a lot of her clothes, spread out in various closets. Some still in the drawers. But, there are so many memories attached to everything...” Her voice faded out as she ran her thumb over the sweater, picturing the last few times she’d seen Sandy wear it.

“I get that…” Abby answered softly, not that she had anything she could truly compare it to, but she’d lived a second-hand version of Kerry’s grief over the last few months and every day felt like she understood Kerry’s thought process a little more. The rest of the sweaters were a combination of Kerry’s and Sandy’s, some causing more of a sentimental tug than others, and soon the stack of eight sweaters had been narrowed down to four. Abby was trying on one that Kerry had offered her, looking at herself in the mirror when Kerry called her back.

“Here we go,” Kerry murmured, not having time to lay back down and instead leaning forward in her position at the edge of the bed, planting her feet on the ground to shift her weight off of her bottom and onto the back of her thighs. She hummed as the tightness gripped her back and wrapped around the base of her stomach. “This didn’t feel like thirty minutes.” She managed to say between breaths. The contractions weren’t so bad that she couldn’t still talk, which meant she still had a while to go, but they were certainly getting there, she thought as the current one mounted and she reached out to grab Abby’s hand, keeping her balanced perched at the edge of the bed. Abby checked her watch.

“Nope, only about twenty that time.”

“Good, good,” Kerry breathed as the contraction ended and she relaxed onto the bed, leaning backward and stretching her lower back out.

“Can we go to County yet?” Abby asked, taking the sweater off and folding it, setting it aside where she’d remember to pack it with her stuff.

Kerry shook her head, grabbing at the collar of her shirt to fan it out, suddenly overheating in the small room. “Soon.”

“Are you hot?” Abby stepped closer when Kerry nodded, placing a hand on her forehead despite Kerry’s protests. The redhead was hot to the touch, and when Abby moved her hand to the back of Kerry’s neck, Kerry caught on to Abby’s line of thinking.

“Abby, I don’t have a fever. I’m fine.” Her insisting went unnoticed when Abby walked determinedly into the bathroom, reaching into the medicine cabinet to find the thermometer. 

“It’s dead. How can you, of all people, keep a dead thermometer?” 

Kerry chuckled slightly, shaking her head. “There should be a new one in the nursery.” She had barely finished her sentence before Abby had left the room.

Susan and Carter were sitting cross legged on the floor, eating a pizza over a towel they’d laid out beneath them as they struggled to put together the seemingly complex bouncer seat that Susan had bought for the baby, hoping to put it together as a surprise before Kerry noticed it.

“Where did you put the medical stuff?” Abby appeared in a flash, starling the both of them as they looked up from their pizza slices and instruction manual.

“Right there,” Susan pointed to the top of the dresser, where supplies sat in little jars at the edge of the changing mat. “Why, is everything okay?” She asked, dropping her slice back in the box before rising to her feet.

“She’s hot and clammy, I want to make sure she doesn’t have a temperature.” Abby grabbed the thermometer, still in its plastic packaging, and tried to tear it open with no luck. 

“I was just in there, Abby, and it’s hot in there… I’m sure she’s fine.” Carter wiped the grease off of his hands before grabbing the package from Abby, lifting the scissors from his side and cutting the packaging open. 

“Her water broke three hours ago,” she snapped, exasperated that no one seemed to realize the severity of the situation. “She could have an infection and if she does and we don’t go to the hospital  _ now _ , then-” 

“Hey, what is up with you?” Susan cut her off, pulling Abby aside while Carter dealt with the thermometer, taking the time to insert the small batteries for her. “Why do you seem so unnerved?” Susan’s voice was low but intense, her eyes trying to grab Abby’s focus as Abby seemed to look everywhere but at her.

“I- I don’t know!” She finally said in a huff, rubbing her forehead with her hand. “She just, she was going on and on yesterday about all of the things that could go wrong and she freaked me out, I think.”

Susan could see how that could happen, they’d all been on edge about…  _ everything _ for so long. Instead, Susan took a breath, grabbing both of Abby’s hands in her own momentarily while she finally caught her eye contact. “Kerry is fine. She’s working hard and like Carter said, it’s hot in there. Have her change into something cooler if she wants. Everything is going to be fine. Just take a breath.” Susan instructed, taking a deep breath with Abby before they both released it slowly. “This is literally your job, you’re a pro. Now get your butt back in there.” Susan’s eyes glimmered as she turned Abby back in the direction of the hallway, stopping her as she opened the door by adding: “And if you’re really concerned, we can check her dilation and tell her she’s crowning, then maybe she’d be ready to go.”

“I’d appreciate it if you would stay out of my vagina today, Susan.” Kerry called loudly from across the hall, inciting a burst of laughter from Susan as Carter’s face turned bright red.

“See, she’s fine.” Susan assured Abby with a laugh, though it wasn’t lost on her when Abby grabbed the thermometer from Carter as she went.

Abby returned to the bedroom just in time to see Kerry pull a thinner material tank top over her nursing bra, stretching the material over her stomach before deciding it was too clingy and pulling it back off again.

Abby, at this point knowing Kerry’s wardrobe better than she knew her own, moved to the closet and pulled out a flowy light blue top with short sleeves that she knew would be a cooler material for Kerry without sticking or clinging to her. Wordlessly, she helped Kerry into it, Kerry breathing a sigh of relief at finding exactly what she was desiring. The new top coupled with the stretchy, black maternity leggings she was wearing instantly reduced the claustrophobia she had started to feel creeping up on her, which was good because the energy it took to change outfits these days was almost more than she had to expend. 

“Are they almost done in there?” Kerry asked once she was changed, placing her hands at the top of her dresser for support as she swayed her hips back and forth gently. While Susan had seen Kerry in a similarly vulnerable position, Kerry was having a difficult time completely relaxing with Carter in the apartment. While she truly cared for him and appreciated his presence in her life, she wasn’t quite at the same level with him as she had reached with Susan and Abby. Perhaps it was the mentor/mentee relationship she still felt between them, but she wasn’t ready yet to let him see her like this. 

“Looks like it…” Abby said. Even after the pep talk with Susan, Abby couldn’t help the anxiety flaring in her chest and knew she’d feel so much better if they knew for sure. They sat in the loudest silence Kerry was sure she’d ever experienced as Abby stood beside her, thermometer still in hand, until wordlessly, Kerry reached out and grabbed it, begrudgingly sticking it under her tongue.

“Happy?” She asked sarcastically around the device in her mouth.

“Yes, but don’t talk.” Abby smirked back at her, taking the few minutes they had to wait to put the four remaining sweaters on the top shelf in the closet. The thermometer beeped and Kerry was already reading the results before Abby made it back across the room.

“98.8 - I’m fine.” She held the thermometer back out for Abby who took it with a sigh of relief. “Has anyone called Elizabeth yet?”

“Susan did - she said she had a laminectomy at one, but barring any complications she would be out before five and then she’s just on call for the rest of the night.”

Kerry looked at the clock. It was a little after three now, the timing would most likely work out well. She’d be happy to get to five minutes apart before they left for the hospital, and now the time seemed to be going in the right direction. From her position in front of the dresser, Kerry let her eyes scan the pictures in front of her, trying to imagine what Sandy would be doing in this moment. Probably pacing, like Abby was. She’d certainly be frustrated with her inability to do anything helpful to speed up the process. She’d probably be cursing Kerry out for her decision to stay at home and she’d be trying with great difficulty to keep from telling Kerry she was an idiot to be doing it all unmedicated.

A laugh escaped her lips at the imagined argument she had in her head with her late wife and Abby turned from where she had busied herself tidying the bathroom.

“What?”

Kerry shook her head, grabbing her crutch from where it was balanced at her side and moved back toward her bed in preparation for the next contraction she was sure was on its way. When she reached the bed, she placed both hands down on it, bending forward and shaking her arm out of her crutch. It felt good to stretch, to stand and let her body move the way it needed to, however encumbered she was by her belly. It was hard to imagine that it would not be long before the belly would be gone - before she’d be able to put on her own shoes again, see the floor again, stand up on her own again.

“Can you believe there were two?” She asked out of nowhere, the question leaving her lips before she was ready for the thought to be released into the room. Abby wasn’t sure what she meant at first, but watching Kerry’s eyes shift internally, she had flashes back to that awful night. Kerry had been so far away, so lost to the present, it had scared Abby. Before she could respond, Kerry continued, staring down onto the bed sheets. “I remember her - or him - when I think of how big I am, how frustrating this is. I remember them. Sometimes I wonder if things would have turned out differently. A domino effect. If I’d been bedridden sooner, if she would have taken a leave.” Kerry’s voice faded as she felt the pain creep in on the horizon. Far enough off, though, to allow her to stew in her reflection a little while longer, Abby standing to the side watching cautiously, careful to not let Kerry go so deep they couldn’t bring her back. “We were a family of four… for a little while. A whole family.” 

The pain returned then, her stomach contracting roughly around the body of her baby. Kerry gasped as her knees buckled slightly and Abby moved behind her to offer support and more counter pressure on her lower back, where Kerry seemed to be feeling the contractions the hardest. Kerry folded onto her forearms, burying her face into the comforter. A glance at her watch told Abby the contractions were still twenty minutes apart, but she was unsure how much longer she could wait before her labor nurse instincts took over and the concern for the pair would outweigh Kerry’s need for control. Labor wasn’t progressing unnaturally slow, this was her first birth after all, but the longer they waited the more time Abby was able to build up everything that could go wrong in her head. This contraction lingered a little longer than the last before it released its grip on the redhead. It was all she could do to raise herself back up into a standing position, rotating carefully around to sit onto the bed and recover her breath.

“That was a big one,” Abby noted, searching Kerry’s eyes for confirmation of her assessment. Kerry, sure of the point Abby was trying to make, looked around the room briefly before abruptly changing the topic.

“Has anyone cleaned up the mess off the hardwood floor yet?” 

Kerry Weaver, the queen of deflecting.

The clock on the VCR said it was nearing seven PM but Kerry chose not to believe it. There was no way she had been working through gradually intensifying contractions for eight hours already. Even when Carter and Susan had stopped in the bedroom to let her know they’d finished in the nursery and taken Stinky for a long walk, and now they were heading to their homes to prepare for their evening shifts, Kerry still refused to believe it.

While she was grateful for all they’d done to finish getting her ready to bring Emma home, she couldn’t deny that she was relieved they were gone, now allowing her free range of her house to move around, releasing her from the confines of the stuffy bedroom. It had been ten minutes since her last contraction when she felt it growing again, like the rumbling of the platform as the L-train approached. The warning gave her just enough time to move to the back of the couch, gripping the cushions in both hands.

“Abby…” she groaned as the contraction peaked, bending forward and burying her face in the cushions to stifle a pained cry growing deep in her throat. This had been the strongest contraction so far, and within seconds of being called to Abby emerged from the kitchen where she’d been preparing some ice chips with a meat tenderizer. Abby came around her back and took up her position applying counter pressure, something that Kerry had enjoyed and relied on all day, but this time Kerry pushed her hands away, murmuring ‘no’ repeatedly into the pillows. She didn’t know what she wanted Abby for, but she suddenly knew it was  _ not _ that.

Abby stepped back quickly with her hands raised, waiting for further instruction before trying anything else or going anywhere.

Kerry’s left hip was throbbing, and in that moment every movement and sensation was throwing burning pain down her leg. She could feel her pelvis shifting, preparing for the birth, but as it widened it continued to throw everything else even further out of whack.

The contraction hadn’t ended before Kerry was crying into the cushions. “ _ Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go. _ ” Her words were muffled and strained but Abby perked up immediately.

“You’re ready?” Abby asked, relief flushing over her as Kerry finally conceded even though the contractions hadn’t gotten closer than ten minutes apart for the last hour. Kerry didn’t even try to raise herself off the couch, just nodded from where she was collapsed over the back of the cushions. While she didn’t entirely want to be at the hospital yet, she was quickly losing faith in her ability to physically bring her body there. She was exhausted already and noted the way her arms trembled as she fought to push herself up off of the back of the couch, her muscles crying out for a break after hours of overuse.

Kerry wasn’t sure how long she had taken to resume an upright position, but however long it had been, it was long enough for Abby to put on her shoes and grab both of their purses, Kerry’s shoes, and the hospital bag. She helped Kerry slip into her clogs and they both said a quick goodbye to Stinky over their shoulders as they left, Kerry leaning on Abby heavily as they made their way out the door. As they moved slowly down the hall and out to Abby’s car, the thought briefly passed through Kerry’s mind that when they would return, it would be with a baby.

The sitcom playing on the television on the wall rolled its credits, though Kerry hadn’t watched a second of it and had no idea what had even been on. She’d asked for the TV to be turned on for some sort of distraction to keep her from thinking about the fact that her contractions were slowing down. They’d been down to eight to ten minutes apart when they arrived at the hospital, but in the three hours that passed, they gradually slowed and now Kerry was sure she hadn’t had a contraction in almost half an hour.

All the people stopping by surely didn’t help, aside from Elizabeth who had popped in quickly to check on her before grabbing Ella from day care. She’d bring her home, get her settled in with her babysitter, and be back within the hour, though Kerry insisted she take her time, spend time with Ella and they would call her when she was closer to at least seven centimeters dilated. The more she watched Abby lose her steam, the more conscious she was about wasting anyone else’s time on her seemingly arrested labor.

Although Kerry and Abby had come in through the front entrance of the hospital, it wasn’t long before word made its way to the ER. In the few hours she’d been there, she’d already seen Randi, Jerry at shift change, Anspaugh, Chuny, and Yosh. She knew it was out of kindness that they wanted to show support for their coworker and friend, but each appearance of a familiar face only made Kerry retreat inward. The last thing she wanted was to be seen in such a vulnerable position, in such pain, and the more her space was intruded upon the more withdrawn she could feel herself become. 

Abby returned from the hallway where she’d stepped out to grab a soda from the machine, resuming her seat at the side of the room and picking up the remote off of the table.

“Do you want to watch the news?” She asked, turning the volume up a little higher as the channel transitioned from their evening sitcoms to late night news. Kerry shook her head, turning to face the opposite side of the room. Abby knew Kerry was beginning to get disheartened as her labor slowed. They hoped it had been the movement of their trip to the hospital or the change of scenery that had affected her progress, but as time went on, they were beginning to hear whispers of Pitocin.

Abby lingered on the channel just long enough to catch the headline of the top story before channel surfing for a bit, landing on a rerun of the hockey game that had aired earlier in the day. Not really interested in what was on the TV either, she left it there and picked up her textbook, resuming her studying. 

As much as Kerry knew she should close her eyes and try to rest, she couldn’t. She was waiting anxiously for her next contraction, begging her body to work with her instead of against her for once. Not even trying to think of Sandy was enough of a distraction, her desperation to regain some sort of control over the process plaguing her thoughts as she felt her control slip further and further out of her hands.

She couldn’t even tear her eyes off the blank, yellow wall when Coburn and a labor nurse entered the room, checking the fetal monitor and taking Kerry’s blood pressure.

“Baby’s strong at 150,” the nurse said quietly to Coburn. “And mom is perfect, 124/82.”

“Good,” Janet said, pulling on her gloves and encouraging Kerry to bend her legs. Coburn pulled the blanket back from the end of the bed to check her progress, Kerry wincing at the feeling of her fingers at her cervix, unable to relax enough for even the exam. “75% effaced, four centimeters dilated.”

Her dilation had narrowed to two centimeters during her bed rest, but she’d dilated two more centimeters before they’d even left her apartment that day. The news that the three hours and countless contractions later hadn’t dilated her one centimeter was disheartening - though Kerry wasn’t surprised when considering her lack of contractions - but when she thought about the fact that she had been laboring since 11:30 that morning, the prospect of how long the remaining five centimeters could take threatened to overwhelm her.

“Last contraction?” Coburn asked the nurse as she completed her exam, pushing her left hand into Kerry’s belly to feel for the location and position of the baby.

“Twenty four minutes.” The nurse’s voice was soft, sensitive to the situation and Kerry’s exasperation. Coburn simply nodded, stripping her glove off and covering Kerry’s legs back over with the blanket. 

Janet took a moment to look at the graph from the fetal monitor herself before turning to the nurse. “Can you give us a minute?” The nurse nodded and moved toward the door, and Coburn turned to the former OB nurse who was still sitting contentedly in her chair. “You too, Abby.”

Abby lifted her eyes out of her book, looking between Coburn and Kerry before nodding, setting the book open faced on top of her bag on the floor and rising out of her chair. “Sure… I’ll be right outside.” She told Kerry, picking up her soda can and moving quickly out the door the labor nurse was holding open for her.

“How are you feeling, Kerry?” Coburn asked once the room was empty. “Honestly.”

Kerry was surprised at the question and it rendered her speechless for a few moments, her eyebrows raising. She wasn’t sure how she was. Angry at her body for making everything more complicated than it needed to be? Desperate to finally meet her baby? Distraught that she was doing it all without Sandy? “I’m fine.” When Coburn’s eyebrows narrowed in disbelief, Kerry corrected herself. “I’m getting frustrated.”

Coburn nodded, crossing her arms while she debated the tactics she would use in this particular conversation with Kerry, whom she knew from experience could be difficult and that it could be hard to get through to her.

“Baby is in a great position… both of you seem to be handling labor well… I know you want a natural birth but by the looks of these contractions, it seems like your body has some different plans.” Coburn began, watching Kerry carefully. “Since your membranes have already ruptured we’re looking at a smaller window here, which limits our options. As they are: we can keep watching you for a few more hours and see what happens, we can get some Pitocin on board to get the contractions up again, or we could bring you down the hall for a cesarean.”

Kerry shook her head before the word ‘Pitocin’ left the doctor’s lips, finally bringing her eyes to meet Janet’s steadily. “No. I can do this.”

Janet pursed her lips, her eyes narrowing as she studied the redhead in front of her. “Kerry, is there something keeping you from feeling safe?” Kerry’s eyes scanned the other woman’s, unsure she truly understood the question, and even more unsure of how to answer it. When she didn’t respond, Janet continued. “The only thing I can think of that is slowing down your labor is  _ you _ . If you’re feeling at all unsafe or uncomfortable, you need to let me know so we can try to solve it.”

Kerry hadn’t considered that, the idea that her emotional state could be changing the way her body was reacting to labor. It made sense logically, evolutionarily, that it would be a survival tactic. If the mother was in danger, that the body’s ability to stall out labor would come in handy. A swift wave of panic radiated through Kerry; she was so uncomfortable, so frustrated, so embarrassed, and so terrified of going through it all without Sandy, she was almost confident that she’d never be able to calm herself down enough to put a stop to the instinctual response. Her eyes filled to the brim with tears and before Kerry could speak, Janet leaned over, placing a hand on her upper arm.

“You know what? How about I ban everyone but Abby and Doctor Corday from this room - hell, the whole  _ floor _ \- and we get you to relax. See if that helps, alright? I’m getting tired of the endless parade of ER staff through the hall, anyway.” She said with a smirk, trying to calm Kerry down and take the pressure of solving the problem herself off of her shoulders. She waited for Kerry to nod before she resumed her full height, setting Kerry’s chart on the supply cart beside the fetal monitor. “Just remember, you’re safe. You’re both healthy. You just need to let her come.” Coburn nodded once more before slipping out the door, Kerry brushing away the tears that began to fall. 

She wasn’t entirely sure why she was crying, why the conversation had triggered such an intense response. It could have been the pain, the frustration, the exhaustion, the hormones, but when the baby wiggled, reminding her that they were in this together, she knew the emotional response was out of concern for her baby. She didn’t care what she would go through - the hours of labor, the endless contractions - it was all for her daughter who would be in her arms at the end of it all. That was all that mattered, that Emma stayed safe.

And she was safe. They were both safe.

Abby’s return into the room only solidified that fact to Kerry. The younger woman didn’t ask what Dr. Coburn had wanted to talk about, only checked to see if Kerry wanted or needed anything before resuming her seat with her textbook.

They were going to be okay.

  
  
  


Kerry was dragged out of sleep forcefully by a strong contraction as it seized her back, waking her so quickly from her much needed nap that it took a moment for her to remember where she was. She gasped, pushing herself up, holding herself off the bed by pressing her hands into the mattress, desperately looking to relieve the pressure in her lower back. Abby was asleep in the chair at the side of the room, the caffeine from the coffee she and Carter had single handedly polished off that morning having finally run its course through her, her textbook long abandoned on the floor. Kerry breathed through the contraction, the strongest one she’d had in hours and the first to wake her out of a dead sleep. The earlier ones had been subtle, readable on the monitor but nothing compared to the one she was experiencing now. As it peaked, she tried with all her might to keep from crying out but all her conscious effort was going to keeping herself raised off of the bed, her arms shaking under the weight.

At the sound of Kerry’s cry, Abby’s eyes blinked open, and in a flash she was at Kerry’s side, whispering words of encouragement and pushing her hair out of her face. The contraction ended and the redhead fell back heavily into the bed, panting from exertion, her mouth dry from mouth breathing excessively following being asleep for so long. Kerry looked at the clock: 12:46am. She’d been asleep for over two hours, having taken Coburn’s advice to relax as much as she could. They’d called Elizabeth and told her not to rush back, that they’d call when the contractions started up again, allowing her to spend more of her night home with Ella. Abby wondered if it was close to time to call when Kerry spoke.

“I think that was a good sign…” she said hazily, reaching to her side to lift her water off of the table, taking a long grateful drink from it.

“It definitely was.” Abby smiled, rubbing her eyes and forehead as it suddenly hit her how quickly she’d gone from being fast asleep in her chair to being across the room and vertical.

“Did you get any sleep?” Kerry asked, watching Abby closely. The guilt she felt for the sleep the younger woman had missed out on for the last two months weighed heavily on her conscience, especially now as the dark circles under Abby’s eyes matched her own.

“A little,” Abby smiled. “You were out for a few hours.”

“It’s that David Letterman,” the Late Show had just started when she’d given over to the exhaustion and she was sure she’d been asleep before his opening monologue had ended. Abby laughed; they’d shared a few nights over the course of her time at Kerry’s where they’d started the Late Show together, either in the living room or in Kerry’s bed, and it wouldn’t be long before she’d find herself talking to an unconscious person. 

“How are you feeling?” Abby asked when the room grew quiet again, leaning against the bed, sure if she moved back to the chair she’d be asleep in minutes.

“I’m ready to not be pregnant anymore.” She said genuinely, reaching to alleviate an itch on her stomach beneath the fetal monitor strap. Abby crossed to the graph paper, looking over the last few contractions it recorded.

“They’re getting closer.... Should be soon enough.” She smiled. While Abby was still nervous about how the birth would go, she was almost excited as Kerry was for the baby to finally be Earth-side. “Do you want your book?”

Upon reading every novel in her house that had remotely interested her, Kerry had finally wanted to resume her quest to read all of Jane Austen’s work - the same quest that had led Sandy to the name Emma in the first place. Kerry nodded, and Abby moved to her own bag to fish out the copy of  _ Persuasion _ she’d gone to buy at the bookstore the week before. Kerry opened to the first page and while she was glad to finally find a distraction that she could focus on, she truly hoped that she wouldn’t get much reading done that night.

  
  
  


“Holy mother of God!” Kerry exclaimed, one hand on her stomach while the other gripped the pillow behind her head. Four hours of increasing contractions later left Kerry writhing on the hospital bed as it felt like each of her organs were all trying to squeeze themselves out of her body at the same time. Abby stood steadily at the left side of her bed, wiping her forehead, neck, and chest with a cool, wet cloth while Elizabeth stood at the opposite side, coaching Kerry through the contraction.

“Remember the breathing pattern,” she reminded Kerry, catching her eye contact and guiding her through the pattern. Kerry, whose eyes were red rimmed and glossy, did her best to follow along. 

“Aaahh!” Kerry suddenly exclaimed, leaning abruptly onto her right side, her hand flying to her left hip. The ripple effect of pain expanded from her hips all the way to her neck; it seemed nothing was untouched from the exertion of labor.

“I know, I know,” Elizabeth said in a calming voice. “Just breathe her down.”

Elizabeth brought Kerry back to the task at hand and eventually the contraction passed, Kerry falling back against the bed to regain her breath. Everything hurt. Every muscle in her body ached. But her back... her back was feeling the labor worst of all. The pain was so intense, even, that they’d done an ultrasound to be sure Emma was not posterior, but she was not. She was facing down, perfectly positioned for her arrival. As if cued by the end of the contraction, Coburn and the labor nurse returned to the room. Janet pulled on a fresh pair of gloves and stepped beside Elizabeth.

“Let’s see where we’re at, Kerry.” She said before pulling the sheet up, Abby helping support her left leg as she bent at the knee. They’d practiced the limits of her movement with her hip earlier in the night, after she’d woken from her nap but before the contractions ramped up. Abby thought she had a good idea of the movement Kerry was comfortable with and Kerry took solace in not having to focus on anything other than the boulder currently passing through her pelvis.

Kerry was still breathing heavily from her last contraction as Coburn examined her, Elizabeth giving her a quick but reassuring squeeze on her shoulder.

“It’s good news, Kerry. You’re 100% effaced, seven centimeters dilated.” All signs seemed to be pointing toward Kerry getting the birth she wanted, and Janet was pleased that the talk she’d had with the redhead the night before seemed to have done the trick.

“I need to get up.” Kerry said, having heard Coburn’s announcement but having much more pressing things to think about in that moment.

“It’s not going to be long now, Kerry, just keep relaxing and breathing and soon it’ll be go-time.” Coburn dismissed her gently, pulling the blankets back over Kerry’s legs.

“No, let me up.” Kerry threw the blanket off of her body and moved to swing her legs off of the bed when another contraction gripped her, doubling her over. “Let me up now. Now now now.” She cried, both hands finding their way to her back as the pain inflamed her spine. She’d worked through the contractions steadily and almost stoically until around four AM, when the sensory overload around her and within her seemed to flip a switch in the redhead’s brain, and while she gave up control over the way her body was responding, she was still fighting tooth and nail for control over what happened in the room.

“Kerry, I don’t think that is a good idea. You’ve been on bedrest for six weeks. Your muscles are weakened and tired. Why don’t we get you on your side and see-” Coburn began, moving to ease Kerry back on the bed before Kerry shirked her hand off of her shoulder. Abby and Elizabeth watched the power struggle with amusement, glad to not be directly involved.

“Janet, if you do not let me out of this bed right now I will have you and every single person in this room fired do you hear me.” Kerry snarled quickly as the contraction released its grip on her, giving her back her breath and her focus. The two nurses at the other end of the room exchanged glances, knowing full well that this was indeed the Chief of Staff of the hospital and that Donald Anspaugh had just been filling in. Abby caught sight of their panicked faces and bit her lips to hold back her laughter. Kerry shakily raised an arm to push her bangs off of where they were sticking to her forehead while Janet seemed to contemplate a few moments longer. “Where the hell is my crutch?” Kerry barked, no longer waiting for approval but easing herself off of the bed, her hands gripping the side of the bed as she turned to face it, swinging her hips back and forth in an effort to ease the pressure.

Backing off, Coburn shot pointed glances at Kerry’s support people. “She can have ten minutes,” she conceded before leaving, frightened nurses in tow. 

Elizabeth moved to stand behind Kerry, applying counter pressure on her lower back, while Abby rearranged all the lines and wires Kerry was connected to, assuring that they wouldn’t get tugged out as she moved around the room.

Kerry moaned into the feeling of Elizabeth’s knuckles massaging her back. “I’m glad I don’t have to fire you.” Elizabeth and Abby laughed, knowing full well that the state Kerry was in, she would have done it. It was only a minute or two after Coburn left before another contraction began to build and Abby came around to join them as she could see Kerry momentarily panicking about holding herself up. Abby grabbed both of Kerry’s hands, supporting them low, at the level she’d normally lean on her crutch, and Elizabeth was ready to hook her arms under Kerry's shoulders should she need the extra support. Kerry closed her eyes as Elizabeth spoke lowly in her ear, talking her through the contraction. She focused on Elizabeth’s voice, she focused on Abby’s hands, she focused on moving the baby down. Instinct took over for a second and she bent her knees to move into a squat, surprised when the new discovery felt good, like it was what she was meant to be doing. Elizabeth and Abby moved in sync with her, now entirely holding her up. They worked as a unit, words unnecessary as they were all in tune with the other.

When the contraction subsided, they helped Kerry stand up, and she leaned momentarily back into Elizabeth as she caught her breath.

“She’s never going to come,” her words were high pitched and whiney, laced with exhaustion as she worked hard to open her eyes. “I don’t even think there is a baby. I think Romano put a curse on me. He rubbed his little bald head and put a curse on me.” Abby would have been surprised that Kerry was indeed not drugged had she not experienced the last five hours of unmedicated active labor with her. Abby and Elizabeth gave into their laughter again, which rose the corners of Kerry’s lips. The laughter felt good. It lightened the room that had grown so dark and narrow for the redhead. 

A beeping filled the room, and Kerry’s eyes flashed to the fetal monitor, her chest instantly filling with panic.

Elizabeth rubbed her shoulders calmingly. “It’s my pager.”

Kerry sighed in relief, extending her hand toward her crutch and Elizabeth moved to grab it. Abby helped secure it to her arm and kept a steady hold of her left side as they began walking around the room, letting Kerry guide her wherever she wanted to go (within the limits imposed by the wires and lines). Elizabeth took a closer look at her pager and moved to the phone, calling down to the ER. She spoke in hushed tones, though Kerry couldn’t bring herself to single out Elizabeth’s voice even if she wanted to, most of her focus locked into moving one foot in front of the other. 

“That was the ER, they need me downstairs for a trauma consult.” Elizabeth said worriedly, wringing her hands in front of her. She didn’t want to leave Kerry now, but she had told them not to page her unless it was truly necessary.

Kerry, barely registering what Elizabeth was saying as she felt another contraction encroaching from the distance, just nodded her head. “Go.”

“Are you sure?” Elizabeth stepped closer to the door.

“Go. She could be hours. Go.” Kerry managed between breaths. As the clock on the wall slowly clicked toward six AM, Kerry made a note that she’d been at the hospital for nearly eleven hours. The time it would take Elizabeth to consult on a trauma and get back was nothing more than a heartbeat of time. Besides, she thought as she felt Abby’s arm wrap around her protectively as the next contraction swept over her, she had Abby. “Oooh,” she moaned as the contraction continued to climb when she expected it to peak. The intensity caught the pair off guard and Abby moved to hook her arms under Kerry’s shoulders to hold her up in the same way Elizabeth had, though this time from the front. Kerry reached her arms up around Abby’s neck and couldn’t help burying her face into her shoulder as she fought to keep her footing. They weren’t far from the bed but far enough that they’d need to wait for the contraction to pass before they could move back toward it.

“This hurts,” Kerry whispered into Abby’s shoulder when the contraction released its grip on her, taking a few shaky breaths as she tried to maintain her composure. They both pulled themselves to their full height slowly.

“I know,” Abby spoke softly, rubbing Kerry’s back as they stayed in their awkward hug position, Abby realizing that this was surely the closest they’ve ever been to each other, even when taking the last two months into consideration. “But you’re doing such a good job.”

They continued to stand in place, tethered by the fetal monitor and IV in the back of Kerry’s hand from going much further, through the next two contractions. Abby could tell things were shifting for Kerry, as her groaning seemed to begin to come from a deeper place and she was harder to reach with her words. 

“Let’s move back toward the bed,” Abby suggested, knowing she wouldn’t be able to hold Kerry up on her own much longer. It took another beat for Kerry to process what Abby had said (and that she had spoken at all), but soon they shuffled back toward the bed, Kerry reaching the side and bending forward, resting her arms and head down on the mattress, relishing in the change of position. Abby stayed close at her side, unhooking her crutch from where it was still clasped awkwardly around her arm and moving it away. She had a feeling they wouldn’t be doing much more walking tonight.

“Thank you, Abby.” Kerry turned her head to the side, resting her cheek heavily on the sheets and enjoying the momentary respite between contractions.

“Of course,” Abby rubbed Kerry’s lower back again, moving from the center and pushing outward, hoping to help alleviate the tension that had built and the pressure that grew as the baby moved along her spine.

“No,” Kerry shook her head lazily. “For everything. Thank you for everything. Everything you’ve done.” Her words were heavy and slurring from her lips and she pushed herself up onto her arms. She felt Abby’s hands slow momentarily before they resumed their soothing pattern. 

“Of course, Kerry,” Abby repeated, adding an extra beat to the contact between the two of them to emphasize her words. Kerry still shook her head, convinced Abby was not understanding the gravity of the situation. She went to argue when her center was gripped again and she sunk back into the sheets, gripping the top blanket in her hands as she sunk back down onto her forearms, pressing her face into the bed as she tried to keep a hold of herself despite the pain.

“No,” she said when she caught her breath. It took every muscle in her body to bring herself to an upright position. “I couldn’t have done this without you.” She stiffly turned in Abby’s direction, leaning back against the bed and reaching out with her hands to grab Abby’s. “I couldn’t have done any of this without you.”

Abby was surprised at the shift in Kerry’s focus and reciprocated the grip of her hands. “I’d do it all over again.” She assured her, unsure what else would convince Kerry of her dedication, of the complete lack of regret she felt over the way she spent the last two months. They stayed like that for approximately forty seconds, when a particularly large contraction viciously coiled its way around Kerry’s insides. She gasped, leaning forward into Abby, still partially sitting on the edge of the bed. Her arms reached up and wrapped around Abby’s waist, pulling her closer.

Momentarily unsure of what to do to help, Abby simply rested her hand on the back of Kerry’s head, stroking her hair soothingly as Kerry finally let herself cry into Abby’s stomach. It was hard to listen to the older woman in so much pain - she’d assisted in countless births but never a friend, never someone she truly cared about. The pain in Kerry’s strangled sobs threatened to push Abby over the edge, and she desperately wished Kerry had opted for the epidural. Abby bit at her lip, trying to tear her focus away from Kerry’s pained cries when she heard a change in the muffled noise. She struggled to make out exactly what Kerry was saying until the redhead adjusted her position, moving to press her cheek to Abby’s side, tightening her grip on Abby’s waist.

“Thank you,” Kerry was repeating, her arms still hugging Abby even after the contraction passed. Kerry’s world had narrowed significantly in the last hour as she felt her baby move lower and closer to making her entrance into the world. All that Kerry could bring herself to focus on and care about was the baby she was birthing and the younger woman her arms were wrapped around. Kerry’s mind was cloudy, but she knew she had something important she needed to communicate to the person in front of her. The person who had kept her safe, who kept her company, who kept her upright. The words were hard for her to get out, but pressing her face into Abby’s side again, muffling her words, they were almost easier to say. “Thank you, I wouldn’t have made it through these last months. I owe it all to you. I love you, Abby. Thank you.” She cried in a muffled sob, her attention quickly diverted as she felt the pressure begin to build again.

Abby couldn’t help the tightness in her throat, couldn’t help the shock she felt waft over her at Kerry’s unexpected words. She knew Kerry was out of it and wondered if she’d regret this moment later. But she cared so deeply for Kerry, she would do anything she could for her, and was surprised in that moment to realize she loved her too. Love seemed like such a crazy and strong emotion, something far out of her reach, yet here it was. She would do anything for her. That was love, wasn’t it?

Kerry stood abruptly off of the bed and gasped as the pain in her pelvis surged downward, releasing Abby so quickly that Abby almost lost her balance, but when Kerry began to gag she was grateful she’d been released and did her best to run across the room for the garbage can, bringing it to Kerry just in time for her to vomit into. It was go time, Abby knew, and she did her best to settle Kerry against the bed before leaning over it and hitting the call button. She helped turn Kerry back to face the bed and made sure she was steady before moving to the phone to page Elizabeth.

Kerry nearly fell to her knees as she felt the baby drop lower, finally passing through her cervix and causing such intense and full pain that Kerry was suddenly unsure what to do with herself or how she’d ever make it through the moment. Her body began to involuntarily shake and push and she felt the baby move lower and lower, aided by gravity, the pain so intense that she vomited a second time into the trash.

She didn’t want anyone touching her anywhere and was grateful when Abby’s hands did not return to her body. It was close, Emma was close, she could feel her sinking deeper and deeper between her legs. She wasn’t sure how she was going to be able to do this. She’d been working so long and so hard, there was no way she would be able to move the baby she felt within her through her body. It was impossible. It was crazy, even. Her knees buckled again as she cried out.

“I can’t do this.” She shook her head against the bed as her entire body tremored, swaying with a desperation to relieve the pressure somehow. “I can’t do this without her.”

“I just paged her, she should be back in just a second,” Abby said soothingly. She hoped Elizabeth was on her way; she knew it wouldn’t be much longer before Kerry would be pushing.

“She’s not here,” Kerry continued, her hips dipping at the sensation of the baby moving through them, pushing them apart. “I can’t, I can’t do this.”

“Give her a couple minutes and she’ll be back,” Abby ventured toward Kerry’s head, brushing the hair out of her face, revealing her dark, sad eyes as she blinked back tears.

“Sandy,” she managed, holding back as much of her tears as she could. “I need Sandy. I can’t - I can’t do this alone. I can’t do this without her. I can’t. I want to go home.” Kerry seemed to spiral, sinking deeper and further away as she cried, turning to sit, leaning against the bed and placing both hands on her lower stomach, feeling beneath them as it contracted and the baby moved further, Kerry grunting deeply for the first time as she pushed with the sensation.

“Woah, Kerry, stop pushing.” Abby grabbed her attention, a hand on her back as she dipped down to catch her eye contact. “Breathe, Kerry, just breathe.”

Kerry tried, but the urge was too strong and she couldn’t stop her body from pushing. It was the only thing that helped, that made her feel like she had any sort of say in what was going on with her body. Instinctually she widened her stance and leaned back against the bed, reaching forward for Abby’s hands, squeezing them tightly as she pushed with the contraction until it passed, Coburn and the labor nurse coming into the room just as Kerry recovered her breath.

“She’s pushing,” Abby told the OB softly.

“Kerry, stop pushing.” Coburn had to repeat the instruction a few times before Kerry stopped and the three of them worked to gently move Kerry back onto the bed. Kerry gasped at the pain that radiated down her legs and up her back as she sank onto the bed, crying out at the pressure and heaviness between her legs as they swung them up onto the bed. She was barely getting a minute of rest between contractions now and Coburn moved quickly to examine her progress before the next wave hit.

“You’re ten centimeters Kerry, and 100% effaced, good job. Her head is right there.” Coburn said as she moved swiftly, adjusting the end of the bed and encouraging Kerry to scooch down slightly. She pulled the leg rests up and she and Abby helped Kerry move her legs onto them. “Good, Kerry, now on the next contraction I want you to push again.”

Kerry would have nodded had her brain been working at its fullest capacity, but as it was, all she knew was she was laying down now. As the next contraction began to build though, Coburn and Abby were encouraging her to push, which she knew she could do. Abby moved behind her to help sit her up and she pulled her chin to her chest, bearing down through the contraction, feeling as her baby made slight progress.

Twenty minutes of pushing and coaching passed, the labor nurse assuming Abby’s position holding Kerry up to give her a quick break as her shoulders locked from the odd position. Abby moved to the foot of the bed just in time to catch the slightest glimpse of the baby’s head before it retreated at the end of the contraction. “We saw her, Kerry. She’s so close.”

The reassurance that all of her hard work was paying off was enough for Kerry, internally begging Janet to count faster as she counted her to ten through another push. Abby stayed close to her side, Kerry gripping her hand in her right hand with all of her might as she bore down. It took a few more attempts before the head stayed put but when it did, Abby’s eyes filled with tears at the sight of the top of her head.

“You’re almost there,” Abby encouraged her, momentarily feeling bad that Elizabeth was missing it, knowing that the English doctor would be kicking herself for not returning in time. Abby hoped she was an adequate replacement as her coach in Kerry’s mind.

“I want you to slow down now, Kerry, just pant.” Janet instructed as she saw Kerry gear up for another big push despite the lack of a contraction, desperate to get the baby out. “Pant, Kerry.” She repeated herself, ensuring the redhead processed what she was asking her to do.

“No, I need to push.” Kerry begged, throwing her head back as the contraction ended, trying not to let the growing ring of fire between her legs overwhelm her.

Janet rose off of her stool, leaning over Kerry to bring herself closer, knowing her focus in the room was not much more than the two feet in front of her. “You can push again soon, but right now you need to pant.” Kerry closed her eyes tightly and groaned but nodded in acceptance, adjusting her hold on Abby’s hand as she prepped to breathe the baby out. She panted for what felt to her like an indefinite amount of time, Abby and Coburn praising her as the head emerged to its brows. “Great job, Kerry, that’s it.”

Her silent panting moved into a strained, frustrated cry when her contraction ended. “Can I push yet?” She barked, suddenly angry and unwilling to wait any longer.

“On the next contraction, just breathe right now.” Janet responded. Kerry groaned, throwing her head back again in exasperation, gritting her teeth against the sting of the baby’s head. Abby watched as Coburn checked for the cord around the baby’s neck, watching for an indication of her findings in her eyes. When they seemed to narrow determinedly, Abby felt herself grip Kerry’s hand a little harder. It was hard to tell what color the baby was at this point - a combination of the wet hair on her head coupled with the way her scalp was wrinkled made it hard to decipher whether she was pink, purple, or even pale blue. Luckily, they didn’t have to wait long for the next contraction. “Okay, Kerry, I want some easy pushes now, not too hard, ease her out.”

Kerry sucked in as much of a breath as she could get and pushed against the pressure, feeling as the baby’s head gradually worked its way out of her body. The contraction ended before the head was fully born but Kerry was determined, continuing to push until finally the chin emerged with an incredible release of pressure and a spurt of fluid.

“There’s her head, Kerry. Great job.” Janet said. Abby watched as she slid the cord over her head, unwrapping it from around her neck. The nurse passed her the bulb suction and she swiftly cleared the baby’s nose and mouth. “She’s nice and pink.” Janet announced to the exhausted mother. “Do you want to feel her?”

Kerry nodded weakly from where she’d collapsed back again and Janet grabbed her free hand and guided it down between her legs. The moment Kerry made contact with the head - her daughter’s head - her eyes flooded with fresh tears. There was a baby at the end of all of this pain. She was almost here. She was real, and she was almost here. 

The brief contact instilled her with a quiet determination as they waited for the next surge to come, Kerry’s eyes burning from the exhaustion of working so hard for the last twenty hours. The mounting pressure, however, practically shot her off the bed as she felt the baby begin to rotate, taking huge breaths as her body guided the baby into the proper position to finish being born. 

Janet’s steady voice guided her through the next few pushes, Abby returning to her position behind Kerry, supporting her back and holding her up as she pushed. Four more contractions came and went but the baby stayed stubbornly in place, despite Kerry’s efforts and Janet’s careful manipulation, Kerry’s last push accentuated with another frustrated grunt.

“I can’t do this anymore,” she moaned, shaking her head back and forth on the pillow behind her. “I’ll take the drugs now.” She cried weakly, earning an amused smirk from the OB between her legs supporting the head of her baby.

“It’s a little late for that, Kerry,” she said softly, taking the break between contractions to assess the position of the baby again. She silently summoned the nurse and Abby to her side. “Let’s get her into McRoberts.” She said quietly, but Kerry’s head shot up from where it was heavily against her pillow.

“Why?” She asked, panicked. Abby worked hard to keep her calm and collected nursing face on but her heart raced with the same panic as Kerry’s voice, watching as the nurse adjusted the bed to tip Kerry back further.

“I just want to give her a little more space, that’s all.” Janet assured Kerry. “We need to get her out in the next push or two, okay Kerry? We’re going to move your knees together and to your chest to open up your hips.”

At this point much too exhausted to do anything but comply, Kerry allowed herself to be moved in whatever way she needed to be, the nurse at her side reaching for her leg before Abby stopped her.

“Wait, switch sides with me.” Abby instructed, taking the nurse’s spot on Kerry’s left side before even finishing her statement. Abby gently grabbed Kerry’s leg, guiding it slowly up, watching Kerry’s face for signs of additional pain.

It was hard for Kerry to discern where any specific pain was coming from, but when her brain registered exactly what was happening, her body instinctively moved to guard her left hip. Abby placed a hand on her shoulder, settling her back against the bed. 

“I’ve got you, Kerry.” She assured her. Kerry hadn’t realized it was Abby who was moving her leg and instantly relaxed back onto the bed, anticipating a pain that never came as Abby rotated her hip and held it steadily in place, careful not to relax and let it slip any further than was possible for the older woman. The nurse across from her did the same, but as the next contraction came she pressed one hand repeatedly on the front of Kerry’s lower abdomen, applying suprapubic pressure as the four women worked together to release the shoulders.

“Push, Kerry, you’re so close.” Abby encouraged her one last time, just as Kerry seemed like she was ready to give up. Kerry tucked her chin to her chest and pushed as Coburn helped deliver the shoulders. The first one emerged and one contraction blended into the next when Kerry refused to stop pushing, eliciting one last cry of pain as almost all at once the second shoulder popped free and the rest of the body was released into Janet’s waiting arms.

Through her tears, Abby noted the time. “7:51am.”

Kerry collapsed exhaustedly back onto the bed, bringing a hand to her forehead as the last few minutes caught up to her, Abby and the nurse very carefully unfolding Kerry’s body as Janet lifted the baby up through Kerry’s legs and laid her heavily on her chest. 

Kerry gasped at the sudden appearance in front of her, both hands moving up and hovered above the baby, almost scared to touch her, as if any contact would prove her only an illusion. But she wasn’t an illusion, she was real. She was finally here.

Janet was still leaning over her, rubbing vigorously on the baby’s back. “You worked really hard, didn’t you?” Abby watched as Janet spoke softly to Emma, flicking at her feet as the nurse repeatedly suctioned out her nose and mouth. “That was really hard.”

“What’s happening?” Kerry asked, overwhelmed at the movement and stimulation happening on top of her.

“Just give her a second,” Abby whispered, reaching to place her hand at the crown of Kerry’s head in an effort to comfort her, standing out of the way, the top of the bed the only place with room left for her.

Kerry held her breath as she watched Janet listen to the baby’s chest, and the nurse worked to stimulate the baby, who was a rosy pink but floppy. Moving her arm around where the nurse’s was, Kerry reached forward and stroked Emma’s cheek softly. “Come on, baby.” She whispered, her voice quivering.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity but was truly no more than thirty seconds, Emma flexed and kicked her legs, turning her face to the side away from the bulb suction and let out a strong cry, evoking a sigh of relief from every woman in the room.

Sobs immediately wracked through Kerry’s body, eliciting sharp pain nearly everywhere but she didn’t care, as the baby on her chest continued to wail loudly and burrow as close to Kerry as she could. 

“She’s okay, Kerry,” Abby assured her as she helped open her hospital gown, tucking Emma securely onto her for skin to skin as Kerry brought a shaking hand to her face and sobbed harder. Abby’s hand lingered against the blanket she laid on top of Emma, sneaking in her first official hello to the new baby while Kerry struggled to recover her composure. “She’s alright, Kerry, she was just taking her time.”

“We did it,” Kerry cried, laying her hands gently on top of Emma, hugging her close. “We did it, Sandy, she’s here.” 

Abby turned her face away, wiping the tears that had begun to roll heavily down her own cheeks. The sorrow in the redhead’s voice pierced her directly in her heart and the guilt of being the one to witness the birth instead of Sandy momentarily knocked the wind out of her. 

Kerry wiped the tears from her cheeks before moving her hand to cradle Emma’s head. “Hi, Emma.” She whispered, her voice cracking, as the newborn lifted her eyes toward the sound, Kerry getting her first real look at her daughter’s face. “We’ve been waiting for you.”

Coburn clamped the umbilical cord and called Abby over. The nurse handed Abby the scissors and, with a brief nod of approval and gratitude from Kerry, she cut the cord. Abby stepped back, letting the mother and daughter get to know each other while she helped the nurse prepare to clean her off. 

“Almost done, Mom,” Coburn said, using Kerry’s new title pointedly with a smile, as she massaged Kerry’s stomach, encouraging her uterus to deliver the placenta. Kerry continued to speak in hushed tones to the baby on her chest, wiping particularly thick chunks of vernix off of her face, until she grimaced as her stomach contracted, the first strong contraction standing out among the smaller ones as her uterus began to shrink. Abby moved toward her then, placing a soft hand on her shoulder. Kerry looked up, almost startled, like she’d forgotten anyone else was in the room, and she helped support Emma’s head as Abby gently lifted her into her own arms.

Kerry couldn’t stop herself from staring at Emma across the room as they cleaned, measured, and weighed her.

“Nine-out-of-ten five minute APGAR.” The nurse announced and Abby reached forward to rub Emma’s hands, hoping to get the circulation moving and turn them pink before long.

“Check her hips,” Kerry instructed with authority from her position in the bed, reestablishing her control in the room. Abby watched as the labor nurse moved Emma’s hips in various directions, folding her thighs in and out but finding no anomaly in the movement. The nurse continued her tests before lifting her onto the scale. 

“Eight pounds, seven ounces - she’s a big girl!” The nurse smiled, Emma’s arms and legs reaching outward when she was lifted off of the cold scale. Kerry wanted to scoff, as if she needed to be told that particular update, when Coburn directed her attention back toward the current task at hand.

“Hi Emma,” Abby spoke softly, resuming her spot in front of the baby and gently wiping the last few particularly stubborn spots of vernix off of her. Kerry watched from across the room, her heart warming in her chest to see the love between Abby and the baby already. To see that Emma already had at least one other person to love her in her life. She’d been so worried, when Sandy died, that Emma would end up the way she was: alone, without a family. There was nothing Kerry was more grateful for in this world than the family that had chosen them.

She watched as Abby swaddled Emma snugly in a warm blanket and gently pulled a newborn cap onto her head. She lifted her off the exam table, rocking Emma in her arms while she waited for Kerry to finish delivering her afterbirth. It only took two moderate sized pushes to deliver the placenta, but Kerry barely felt it due to the endorphins flooding her brain as she stared at her newborn. Finally, as Coburn assessed the placenta and confirmed that it was whole and looked good, they elevated the back of the bed slightly to sit Kerry up further. 

Abby placed Emma back into Kerry’s arms and the feeling that flooded Kerry’s body was unlike anything she’d ever felt before. She felt weightless - like the only things that existed in the entire world were her and her baby. Emma blinked her eyes slowly, having finished fussing when Abby swaddled her, and looking into her already green eyes, Kerry realized that this was the first time she’d ever seen her own features on another human, the first time she’d had a familial resemblance with another person. She hadn’t looked like her parents, she didn’t have siblings. Emma looked like her.

Kerry moved to open her gown again and Abby helped position Emma, guiding Kerry through her first attempt at breastfeeding. They watched as Emma instinctively found Kerry’s nipple, Kerry sucking in a breath at the painful experience that disturbed their calm moment.

“Ouch,” Kerry winced, surprised at how painful the process was, though she knew she would eventually get used to it.

The chaos in the rest of the room calmed, Coburn and the nurse picking up their supplies and offering their congratulations before stepping out, the labor nurse letting Kerry know her postpartum nurse would be by soon. Abby and Kerry seemed transfixed, watching the newborn eat, marveling at how quickly she’d taken to the process. Every movement, every eyebrow raise, was the most fascinating thing in the world to the pair. Eventually, Abby reluctantly broke the silence.

“I guess I should go down to the ER and break the news to Elizabeth.”

Kerry looked up with a sympathetic smile. “Tell her to come up as soon as she can. Susan, too.”

Abby nodded, marveling at the person in front of her. The Kerry she knew only months ago wouldn’t have wanted anyone to visit her room, she’d have been private and secretive. This Kerry had asked two of her friends to be present at her birth, she’d allowed them into her house, she’d allowed them to help.

“I’m really proud of you.” Abby said before she could stop herself, still perched in her position on the side of the bed.

Kerry pulled her eyes away from her daughter, looking up at Abby, her eyes bright. “Thank you.” She whispered, not trusting her full voice.

When the pair could feel their eyes flooding with tears again, they laughed, and Abby rose up off of the bed. “Okay, I’m going. I’ll be back in a little bit.” She leaned down and lightly brushed her fingers on Emma’s hat to say goodbye to the baby before moving toward the door and into the hallway. 

And suddenly, they were alone. They’d been alone so many times before, communicating with little movements back and forth through the layer of skin that separated them, but now here they were, face to face. The hardest, most difficult nine months of Kerry’s life all narrowed down to this one moment, watching her daughter take her first meal. However painful the actual process felt, Kerry didn’t mind, because it all faded away as she stared at the baby in her arms. The baby that had been created so purposefully, with such desire, with so much love. She’d been waiting for her much longer than the nine months that she’d been growing.

Kerry wasn’t sure she’d ever felt so good, it felt like Heaven. Like she could turn her head and see Sandy at her side.

If she focused really hard… she truly could feel her at her side. She could feel Sandy stroking Emma’s head, kissing her on the cheek. She’d be so proud of their baby, she’d be feeling the endorphin rush just as strongly as Kerry was. Kerry hoped more than anything that wherever Sandy was now that she could see them. That she knew Emma was alright, that she was born, that she had green eyes and a sprinkling of dark brown hair. Their daughter had entered the world. They had their family.

The sound of Emma’s little swallows as she fed were the only sounds in the still room until Kerry lightly cleared her throat.

“Your Mamá wishes very much that she could be here with you,” she said gently, Emma’s eyes flicking open at the new sound. “She loves you very much.” Their eyes locked, Emma seemingly listening with an intensity that could only be passed down from Kerry herself. “But she is going to watch over you every day. She’s going to watch you grow, and learn. She’s going to be your guardian angel.” Her voice was barely more than a whisper and she reached her hand up to trail her finger softly against Emma’s warm cheek. “You have a whole team of guardian angels up there, baby girl.” Kerry blinked hard, releasing a group of tears that fell heavily onto Emma’s blanket. “So if you ever feel alone… just remember that. They’re always with you. You just have to think of them, and there they are.”

She closed her eyes and thought of Sandy, as hard as she could. She thought of her chestnut curls, her specific smell of summertime and cinnamon, she thought of her warm voice, her beaming smile, that flame that always flickered beneath the surface. She thought of her wife, her best friend, her lover, the mother of her child.

And there she was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cannot even begin to express how glad I am that this chapter is finished. Haha! But truly, it was a labor of love. The time (12 hours today alone!), effort, editing, research, and build up to bring us to this chapter has possibly required more effort than I've ever given to anything before in my life, but it was truly worth it. It is so funny, after so many months focused on this little family, on this fictional little human, Emma feels very real to me and I am really excited for her fictitious life to begin. I even bought myself a bottle of a wine called 'Emma' to celebrate.
> 
> We have two chapters left, which I believe I can assure you will _not_ be as long as this one was. We are winding down, but I hope you continue to enjoy until the very end.
> 
> I need to add before I forget, that "Where the hell is my crutch?" line is a bit of a reference to a prompt sent to me a few months ago by littlemissbatwing on Tumblr, which inspired a one-shot, but I couldn't help myself including it in the main fic.
> 
> Happy birthday, Emma!! I truly cannot believe we've made it to this point. And if you've made it this far with me, you have my sincerest and deepest gratitude. Thanks for hanging on for the ride.


End file.
